Original subtitles

my pinky princess on a pony?

Sure, sure.

Do you love rainbows?

Well, actually, I prefer football.

Why don't you go see if Mommy still has the receipt?

Oh, baby.

Hey. Hey, what are you doing home? Well, I missed you, and I thought I'd

surprise you for lunch. Oh, that is so sweet.

Yeah, it is, isn't it? Okay, come on, let's go.

What? Come on, I only have a half hour to send you to heaven and back.

I can't. It'll only be five minutes. We'll leave our shirts on.

I gotta go pick up Kyle at Dana's. Alright, fine.

Okay, Andy, come on in. It ain't happening.

Thank God. It's getting nippy out there.

You make Andy wait outside?

Oh, no, no, no. It's my choice.

You get a little loud.

Alright, Jim, don't forget you have to be home at seven. We have Emily's baby

shower tonight.

Oh, yeah, that.

I can't. What?

Gus is coming into town tonight.

Since when?

Since this morning. He called me. He's going to be at the airport.

The Gusmeister's coming in?

Mind if I tag along for a salty story or two?

I don't think so. You know, his wife just left him, and I think he needs to

to an old friend. We've had these plans for a week.

I know, honey, but he's just going to be in town tonight.

Oh, honey, come on. It's a couple shower. I don't want to go alone.

I'll go with you, Cheryl.

Yeah, have.

Guess it's just me and my palm tonight.

My organizer. I like to

play games on it.

Let's move on.

No, I want to look for pictures of Gus.

Jim's friend?

Yeah, Jim swears he was at our wedding, but I don't remember him at all.

Is that him?

No, that's Seth's somebody. I made out with him under the gift table.

It's so frustrating.

Gus always shows up at the worst times.

Who's that? Is that Gus?

No, that's Mike's somebody. I made out with him in the coat room.

I don't get it. When Jim... and wanted to do something, he just said no.

Yeah, but he only gets a certain amount of no's a month, and he's used them all

up. Yeah, he said no to the school fundraiser, no to the Geiger's

and no to Donna Carter's birthday party.

Wait, Donna had a party? Why wasn't I invited?

She's not a fan.

Hey, that, is that him?

No, that's Marv's son, buddy.

He was a fan.

And all I'm saying is if a werewolf bit a vampire, he'd still have trouble with

the sunlight.

Oh, look at us there. Look at that. Yeah, I know.

Check me out. A randy 19 -year -old with nothing but a pink tuxedo and a kidney

stone hours from passing.

What a night.

Honey, would you point out Gus to me? I can't find him. Sure.

Let's see.

Where would he be? Oh, right there.

That's the back of someone's head.

Yeah. That's the back of Gus's head.

You know, June, it's weird.

Gus is your oldest friend. I don't have any idea what he looks like. I don't

know anything about... out him? No, his name is Gus Demas. We grew up together.

What else do you need to know?

What's his birthday?

June 15, 1960.

Where does he live?

San Diego.

College?

Syracuse. Job?

He runs a B &B.

Hobbies?

He makes driftwood sculptures.

He also chairs the local chapter of the California Sea Lions Foundation.

And you know what else?

At the wedding, he said you were the most beautiful bride he'd ever seen.

Ring a bell?

Maybe that last part.

What about me? Did he say anything about me? He's not a fan.

I can't believe she doesn't remember Gus.

He's practically family.

Andy, there is no Gus.

What? I made him up.

The Gusmeister? The Gusman?

Greyhound Gus?

Completely fake.

What about those great stories you've told?

Like the time you guys were on that bus and if it went below 55, it would

explode?

Or when you were fishing for that giant shark that was terrorizing the local

beach community?

Look, let me explain, Gus, and then we're going to take a little trip to the

video store.

Wait, Jim.

Why would you make up an imaginary friend?

I want to get him out of things. I mean, like this...

couple's baby shower.

Just tell Cheryl no.

Oh, no, no, no. In marriage, there are only so many no's per month.

And this month particularly, she had a ton of boring crap.

I burned right through all my no's.

So, unless I want to hear her complain and complain and complain and complain,

play the Gus card.

Wow.

Cheryl actually keeps track of how many times you say no. Handy.

A marriage is a giant scorecard.

And by the end, I just want to be a little below par.

Well, mission accomplished.

And Dana,

will you ever have a baby? Oh, of course I will, sweetie.

But what if you don't? What did I just say? Now get off my back.

Dana, Dana.

I just checked the guest list for the wedding. No Gus Dimas.

You've got to confront him.

No, I can't. I can't. There's only that 1 % chance I'm wrong.

And if I am, he'll torture me for the rest of my life. No.

No, I need an airtight case.

Okay, I'm off to the airport, so have fun with that thing.

Okay, great.

Great. Honey, what time do you think I'll be back?

Oh, I don't know. You know, Gus is pretty torn up. He's going to need to

out a little bit. Yeah.

Can't really put a clock on that.

Right. Yeah, I'll probably be back about 10 .30. Sounds right. See you then.

Okay. Have fun.

Dana. Call me on my cell phone in five seconds. What are you doing? I'm going

go to the airport and meet Gus.

Yes! Hey,

look, girls.

Somebody's part of Mommy's secret plan and you're not. Who's the loser now?

Hey, Jim. Yes, yes, yes. Would you give my best to Gus and tell him how sorry I

am about him and his wife? Oh, I will.

Oh, thank you so much for understanding. Yeah. You know, if he had a wife like

you, he wouldn't be in this mess.

Oh, honey.

Hold that thought.

Yellow.

Oh, hey, Emily. Yeah, I was just about to... What?

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, tomorrow night's great.

Okay, I'll see you then. All right. Bye -bye.

What? Well, Emily's two -year -old is throwing up, so she has to postpone the

shower.

What a shame.

Yeah.

Okay, see you later. No, no, honey.

You don't get it. Now you can go with me to the airport.

Oh, to see Gus?

Well, yeah, and to comfort him.

I mean, unless there's some reason you think I shouldn't go.

No.

Great, let's go.

All right.

But, you know, if Gus wants to go to a strip club, you've got to come along.

I got singles.

Hey, buddy, wait.

What about if I give you 20 bucks, you'd be my friend?

No, it's in here.

What does he look like? Can you at least describe him? I wish I could tell you.

But it's just, you know, he changes his hairstyle all the time. He yo -yos and

wait back and forth. I mean, he's like Madonna, always reinventing himself.

Well, you know, I'll tell you, I'm getting a little tired of this. This is

only flight in from San Diego, and all the bags have been picked up.

Oh, there's one right there.

It says oranges.

Well, it's got to be his.

He's from San Diego.

They eat a lot of oranges out there.

I mean, they just grow on trees. You just pick them.

I know how fruit works, Jim.

Hey. Hey.

What are you doing here?

Babysitting. No, no, no. I was supposed to babysit tonight.

I can't believe they double booked us.

I know. I'm sick of it, too. So piece by piece, I'm stealing their good china.

But Cheryl's car's outside. I thought she went to the baby shower.

Change of plans. She went with Jim to the airport to meet Gus.

Interesting.

You know what?

I'm really thirsty.

You like our teacher. I like our teacher.

Do you want another word for stupid? It's pathetic.

Gracie, I need the phone.

I'm going to have to call you back.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're a stinky butt, too.

No, you are.

No, no, no, you're a stinky butt.

Infinity!

Hi,

Mr. Anderson.

Jim? Yes?

I just talked to the airline. All the passengers are off the plane.

Weird.

Yeah, is there something you want to tell me?

Hello? Mayday!

Mayday!

Mama Bird knows! Repeat!

Mama Bird knows!

Gosh! How are ya?

You missed your flight. That is so you!

Yeah, yeah, no, your oranges made it. Yep, they did.

Uh -huh. Tomorrow night, sure. Tomorrow night would be great.

Cheryl wants to talk to you.

So don't hang up.

Gus!

There's nobody there.

Darn cell phone. You know what? You got the radar in the airport. Probably threw

up all the calibrations.

The calibrations?

Yeah, calibrations. I mean, I could explain it to you, but it'd just confuse

you.

Hey, you know what, though? You could see Gus tomorrow night.

Oh, you got that.

Baby shower tomorrow night.

Come on, can you give Cheryl a break here?

Okay.

Confession time.

What? The shower is actually tonight.

What do you mean, tonight?

Well, yeah, well, you know, I really didn't want to go without you, and I

to meet Gus, so I kind of played with the truth a little bit.

Isn't that a hoot?

I may be old -fashioned, but since when was it a hoot to lie to your spouse?

I'm sorry, but honey, look.

Now I can still make guys, huh?

In fact, why don't you bring them over for dinner?

That sounds like a great idea.

To me, too.

Hey, and you know what? If we hurry, we can still make it to the shower.

But didn't the shower start already?

I mean, you know... Well, you know, honey, we probably misnamed tags, but we

still make it for diaper pin bingo.

Don't you have to get Gus's oranges?

Guess I have to.

That's so weird.

I can't find half our good china.

Uncle Gus. He was supposed to be here an hour ago. He's coming, isn't he? Of

course he's coming.

You know what? I should have just picked him up at the airport myself.

But he felt so bad about last night that he took a cab.

Oh, that Gus.

That's one considerate guy.

There's a name for people like that.

What?

Considerate.

I just said it like two seconds ago. Where were you?

Listen, girl.

Why don't you guys take a breadstick and go upstairs and I'll call you when he

gets here.

Okay?

Unless you think Gus might not be coming.

Cheryl, don't say that.

That got me all worried.

Cheryl.

Andy.

Attend to me.

Didn't you look at him?

I got him on the ropes. He's got no movement left.

Yeah, you played him like a big sweaty violin.

Yeah.

But in case... Gus is real and good -looking. I'm just gonna... Would you

those away?

Nobody's coming.

Hey! That's Gus! It's gotta be Gus!

Oh, Gus.

Hey! I have a telegram.

Sure, telegram her.

I'll take that.

Thank you.

My hand's shaking too much. You read it.

Bad

news

from San Diego.

No! Stop.

Gus Demas passed away this morning.

I guess God needed a new best friend.

Look, I think I need to be alone with my thoughts right now.

Jim. Yes, yes, my young, young, beautiful bride.

Nothing.

I guess we'll be having dinner without you then.

at a time like this.

Gus, my friend, my best friend that I've known since this high is now laying

cold on a slab.

All right, what are we having for dinner?

Lasagna.

That was Gus's favorite dish.

Gus, I should have two portions.

Gus liked wine, didn't he, Jim? Yes.

Reflected to him in his will.

What?

I'm really sorry I keep beating you, buddy. I guess I just got a little angel

sitting on my shoulder. Right, Gus?

Yes,

I'd like to make a donation to the California Sea Lion Foundation.

What?

honoring Gus by making a donation to his favorite charity.

Yeah, I'd like to donate $200, please.

$200? Cheryl, um... You know what?

You're right.

He was your oldest friend.

I'd like to donate $400.

Yeah, $500.

Right.

A receipt for tax purposes?

No,

that seems tacky.

Oh, okay, yeah. I need your credit card.

Thank you, honey.

No.

Thank you.

You know, you guys could really use some counseling.

Eh, probably.

Jim, how are you going to get out of this one? It's 500 bucks.

Andy, it is a small price to pay for a man like Gus Demas.

Think of the big picture.

All the weddings, all the baby showers I got out of.

It is the best money I ever spent.

To Gus.

To Gus.

Hey, Jim.

Great news.

I got him to name the next sea lion pup after Gus. Yeah, and it only cost an

extra $200.

Appreciate the gesture, and you know who else is going to appreciate it?

Sherman.

Sherman?

Yeah, you know Sherman. He grew up with me and Gus.

Actually, Andy and I, we're just about to go see him.

Where are we, Andy?

Yes, Jim.

Yes, we were.

Yeah, you see, Sherman's all broken up, losing Gus and all, so we thought we'd

go and bowl away the pain.

Come on, Andy.

Well, then who was sitting next to Gus at the wedding?

You're such a good woman, honey.

Just a bad memory.

Hey,

Andy, did I tell you the time that Sherman was in Vegas and a guy offered

million dollars to sleep with his wife?

What an indecent proposal.