Original subtitles

Carol, when do we start this two vegetable thing?

It's peas and carrots. It counts as one.

So I guess that means pie and ice cream counts as one dessert? Oh.

Yay!

Okay, so I haven't run this by Reverend Pearson yet, but that's the layout for

the bingo tables. What do you think?

You know, I think these tables near the entrance look a little crowded. Yeah,

just looking for blind support here.

Oh, then I love it. Oh, good. Geez, enough with the bingo talk.

Come on, every night for the last two weeks, all I've been hearing about is

bingo night.

Can't we just have some civilized dinner conversation?

All right, Jim.

Read any good books lately?

Well,

you know, Dan, I've been busy raising a family.

But don't worry, honey. Maybe you'll meet your husband in a book.

All right, you girls are done. You're too mature for this conversation.

Can we watch TV?

Sure, go ahead.

Oh, Jim, no, no, no. They're watching too much TV.

Yeah, you're right.

Hey, girls, put on a video game.

So, Jim, do you mind coming down early and helping me set up the bingo tables

church?

You know, big white building cross on top.

No way. I am not going to bingo night.

Jim, come on. It's to raise money for the church. Whatever happened to do unto

others? Cheryl, for everyone to do unto others, there's got to be some guy to be

done unto.

I'm that guy.

Oh, did I tell you the grand prize is a king -size waterbed?

You're kidding.

I love waterbeds.

I'm going to win that waterbed. I'm going to win that waterbed. I'm going to

it. I love our bed. I don't want to give up our mattress.

To be fair, she's already given up her career, her ambition, and her dignity.

Cheryl, don't you see that this waterbed is a sign from God? He's saying, my son

walked on water. Jim, you must sleep on it.

I thought you weren't even going to bingo night. Oh, that's that thing we

You know, you always want to do something that I don't want to do. Then

convince me. It's fun.

Go ahead. Let's do it again.

Okay. Let's do the dishes.

I don't want to.

Thank you, Reverend Carrington.

Oh, this one is so much fun. Okay, in the B column, people, it's B4.

And after.

And after we're done here tonight, and before we see to

the... I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm sorry.

Look, if you want to see heaven, cough up the green, okay?

Hey, you want to buy a homemade cupcake?

Fifty cents.

Oh, come on. They're made with love.

Butthead.

Jim, what do you think of my cupcakes?

Well, they've held up real nice with three kids and all.

B7, B7.

B7. Yeah, B7's great.

If this was ten freaking minutes ago!

Nancy, would you keep it down? Get lost.

Bad luck having a dame eyeballing your cards.

Ah, not the church bench! I'll be good, I'll be good!

I -22, I -22.

I missed the last number.

What was it?

I -22.

What?

Thank you. You're welcome.

You remind me of my husband.

He had a beautiful voice.

I slept with Jack Kerouac.

Bingo! Bingo!

We have a bingo!

Full ball cards.

Raps. There goes dinner for two at the Rusty Schooner. Come on, Andy, man,

you're better than that.

It's time for the grand prize game.

Well,

Dana, feast your eyes on this.

It's a king -size waterbed donated by Swifty the Bed Czar.

It's a free -flow multi -baffle system made right here in the U .S. of A.

and comfort is a sin, well, then some lucky winner tonight is going straight

hell.

But what a way to go, huh?

Retail value, $699 .99.

So, let's get it on!

Um, that was supposed to be my part, Reverend, but, uh, okay.

If you do, can I have your old one? The one that your sister and I conceived

three children on? Sure.

I'll stick with the futon.

B6, B6.

Still waiting for the winner of that waterbed.

Oh, N45, N45.

067.

Thanks for nothing, universe.

Oh, Lady Meyer.

067.

Time we go out.

Oh, Jim, what a pleasure to see you.

Yeah, Cheryl's now with me. Oh, good. It's so hard to keep up the facade here.

So why don't you fork over that waterbed and I'll be out of your hair until

Christmas.

Uh, yeah.

Um, you know, Jim, many religions believe in a omnipresent God.

Whoa. Okay, look, I didn't come all the way down to church to be lectured by

some minister about God.

For instance, some Hasidic Jews believe that reality is a dream that God

has conjured, and therefore God sees all and knows all because he is all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got an altar boy or something to help me move this water bed?

God is always watching.

And sometimes, so am I.

A hidden camera in a church?

I know, you wouldn't know it to look at me, but I'm actually quite a bit of a

techno geek.

All right, what are you going to do?

Me?

I'm not going to do anything.

No, your conscience.

over time is going to eat at you.

Wow.

That's heavy.

I'm going to be thinking about that all night.

Let me toss it and turn it on my new waterbed. Where is it?

It's in the rec hall. Go ahead. Go get it. Enjoy yourself. Have a great time,

Jim. Just remember, God is watching you.

Well, after I get this waterbed set up, he may want to avert his eyes.

That wasn't so bad.

You went to church, you helped a charity, and you got a free waterbed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice recap. Lose the top.

See anything you like, sweets?

No!

Honey, what's wrong?

Nothing. Nothing.

Cupcakes. Fifty cents.

Go!

Hey.

Hey.

You work late tonight, huh?

Had this water bit for a few days now and still haven't felt the motion of the

ocean.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I doubt it.

All right.

What's with you lately?

Nothing. Everything's great.

Totally normal.

You're eating my tofu.

It's obviously a cry for help.

Come on, something's wrong.

Is it me?

What?

No, no, no, honey.

Okay,

I didn't know how to tell you this, but I'm seeing somebody else.

What? Maybe that was a bad choice of words.

I actually see somebody else.

Oh, what?

And bingo, I switched cards with old lady Meyer while she was asleep and won

bet. And then Reverend Pearson saw it and ratted me out to God.

And because of that, when I try to be with you...

conscience. I know people keep saying that, but I don't buy it.

Look, honey, there's an easy fix for this, and I think you know what it is. I

know, I know. I thought about a blindfold, but I'd still feel the beard.

Yes? Hi.

You remember me?

Yes. You helped me with the bingo. Such a nice boy.

Yes, thank you.

I ripped you off.

Yeah, he skinned you real good.

Yeah, I, uh... Well, long story short, you won the waterbed,

and here it is.

Oh. I wouldn't have any use for a waterbed.

But you want it. You have to take it. But I don't want it.

But you have to take it. But I don't want it. But you have to take it.

Look.

He won't take the waterbed.

Please, let me pay you for it.

Oh, I couldn't take your money.

Drop the act and take the money.

Look, please, will you take the money? It's important to me.

Well, all right.

How much is the waterbed worth?

Well, how much do you think it's worth?

Is Dana smarter, boys or girls? Girls, by a long shot.

Daddy says boys are smarter.

Well, that's because he's a boy and he's stupid.

Where's Cheryl?

Where's Cheryl?

Daddy, if Dana says you're stupid... Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Where's Cheryl?

In the bedroom.

Idiots!

Okay, okay, here, here, here.

out for some ice cream. Come on, go, go, go, go, go, go. What?

I need some alone time with your sister.

Oh, my God, girls, let's go. Move, move, move.

Let her chill. There's no time. Run.

Chill, chill, chill.

Yeah? I've done a good thing. Now let's do the bad thing.

What's the matter?

You're not fucking Reverend Pearson, are you?

Finally.

It feels like it's been years.

Jim, the man upstairs is not in the business of putting curses on people.

Oh, yeah?

He makes zombies.

Right, I forgot about the zombies.

Yeah, now he's got me seeing you and old lady Meyer in bed.

In bed?

No, I just flirt with her.

We need central air. She's got deep pockets.

I'm not talking about that.

Instead of seeing my wife, I see you, and then I see old lady Meyer.

And because of that, I...

and look at Cheryl.

Jeez.

Well, you know, Jim, if you need me to make love to your wife, just come out

say it.

That's a joke. Come on. I use that in my couples counseling session.

It gets a bigger laugh there. Okay.

You know, Jim, it kind of seems to me like maybe you're having a little

with your conscience.

Oh, no, no, no.

Look, I told Cheryl the truth.

Yeah?

and I went to old lady Meyer's house, and I paid her for the bed.

I'm clean.

Jeez. Wonder what the problem is, then. I don't know. That's why I'm here.

How much money did you pay her?

Well, I might have given her a little less than market value.

Okay, how much?

Fifteen bucks. Fifteen bucks?

I thought she'd count her. She didn't even count her.

Oh, Jimbo, you are in big need of a little talk with God, my friend.

Come on, nobody does that anymore.

You know something? As a matter of fact, they do, Jim. Otherwise, I'd be working

at my dad's shoe store.

Come on, sit down. I'll get you started. All right?

God,

Jim.

Jim, God.

Hey.

Big fan.

First time caller, long time listener.

You got God's ear. Let's get to the point, okay?

Well, I know that you know the things that I've done wrong.

Kind of like Santa that way.

Did I do long time listening? Uh -huh. Yes.

I'm out.

Come on, come on. Hold it, hold it.

Why don't you try lifting the things that you think God might find bad?

You mean like cheating little old ladies at bingo?

Well, that's an excellent example. Go on. And then low -balling them after you

cheated them? All right, Jim, you're on a roll. Keep going.

And then flirting with them to get central air for the church?

Okay, let's wrap this up, so... Jim, come on. I mean, you

know what you gotta do, don't you?

Yeah, I should give old lady Meyer a fair price for the bed.

And maybe stop calling her Old Lady Meyer.

Welly, welly, welly, look at you, mister.

You feel better?

Yeah, well, it's kind of painless, I guess.

Yeah, well, you know, when God's not smiting the wicked, she's a pretty good

lady.

Thanks.

Sure.

So I guess I'll see you in shirts Sunday. Nope. Great.

Thank you. I'm back.

Hello, Chicago.

And God said, let there be a rock.

I've got to talk to you.

I'm at a moral crossroads and geez, you know, um, bartenders love to listen to.

I'm joking. Come on in.

So, after I sold the waterbed, I went right over to old lady Mrs.

Meyer's house and I gave her the money.

And that's it? You didn't steal any lawn ornaments on your way out or anything?

No. I was very good.

She made me oatmeal and told me stories about the Great Depression.

Let me tell you something. That lady does not like the Irish.

See, honey?

Doesn't it feel good to have a clear conscience?

Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Even though I was forced into it.

Yeah, honey.

It is kind of a shame we never got a chance to try out that waterbed.

Well, next time we're over at Andy's house, we'll have to sneak into his

bedroom. You sold it to Andy?

Yeah. One of their staff will pay my 10 % transaction fee.

Kitty want to play?