Original subtitles

And Jim, can I have all your guppy?

And I win again.

If only they had goat fish tables in Vegas.

Yeah, our old maid.

Are there any popsicles left?

Yeah, I think there's one left. Oh, I call it. It's mine, mine, mine, mine.

right.

Hello.

Wow, look at my little ninja.

How'd she do?

Honey, she is so great. Show Daddy.

Ka -yah!

Oh, yeah!

Way to go!

Now can I play Popsicle? Of course.

Oh, actually, sweetie, Uncle Andy... No, no, no, no, no, no.

Let it play out.

Tracy's not sharing.

Oh, baby.

Three, two, one.

Yes! Exactly. 24 hours till our beloved Chicago Bear.

against our tribal, the Green Bay Packers. Boo!

Are you ready for some football?

It's our Monday night football, baby. And we're going.

My son's first game.

Chest bump.

Take the pin out of the pocket.

Daddy, we made a shirt for Kyle's first football game.

Oh, look at that shirt you got.

got here? You got rainbows, starfish. Who's this on the pony?

That's the Olsen twins.

Oh.

Isn't that cute?

But don't you think Chicago Bears should be somewhere on this shirt?

I told you.

Are they coming to the game?

Sadly, a sleepover was scheduled for the same night.

Yes!

Wedding ring. I'm sorry.

We got the game. Listen, I want everyone to know I... I had nothing to do with

this. With what? With what?

With that.

What? That. That. That.

Packers ball.

Packers ball. Yes, it is. I'm sorry.

Again, I had nothing to do with bringing this filth inside your house. Cheryl.

I was trying to fit in the market. I had to do something.

Did you try?

vending machine. That's just what came out. I begged her to give him candy.

Ah, don't worry about it, Kyle.

Your daddy's here right now. Just give me the ball.

Mine.

I don't believe this is happening.

You let this happen.

Calm down.

It's just a stupid little toy.

Oh, sure.

Why don't you just go out and get him some booze and a chainsaw?

Must I explain to you again?

About the concept of the formative years?

I do not want Kyle forming into a cheese head.

He's going to forget about this tomorrow, I promise.

Come on, would you just let it go?

I guess, it's all right. Okay, yeah.

No big deal.

All right, guys?

Yes, it's cool.

All right, let's get that ball.

Oh, I got an idea. I'll give him a cupcake.

That's actually a fallacy.

Babies love candy, and rarely do they let people take it from them.

Here you go, sweetie.

Want a cupcake?

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Mine.

Great. Now he's got the ball and the cupcake.

He is so your kid.

Name sounds familiar, but, uh... Jim, we've been waiting for this day for 20

years. He's your son.

Is he still a cheesehead?

Then I have no son!

Please, Dad.

Please.

It's the most important day of my life.

Are you still a Packers fan?

Don't blame me.

She's the one who gave me this stupid Packers ball during my formative years.

You were right, Jim.

I couldn't raise the boy.

Can you give me the ball now?

Mine.

I pumped 72 quarters in that vending machine, and I finally got a beer's

Yes!

That's my boy.

Does life get any better than this?

Yes, Jim, it does.

Hey, Dad.

Yes?

Ready to go?

Jeez, Kyle.

Do we have to go to every single Bears game?

I love you, Dad.

I love you, too, son. Hey, hey. Thanks for taking away that Packers ball when I

was in my formative years.

How can I ever repay you?

Well, there's a matter of the 72 quarters.

You'd take it out of my college fund. I bought that.

Hey, guys!

Are you okay with that?

I mean, otherwise you could just stuff his feelings in and drink them away like

your Uncle Howard.

What? What are you talking about?

Honey, what were you talking about?

History. Here.

This is the ball he should have.

Would you give him the ball he wants? Why?

So he can grow up to be a Packers fan and a drunk like your Uncle Howard?

He saw things in Korea he couldn't forget.

Go get him the ball he wants.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay. Oh, that's a good boy.

Oh, Jim.

What? That doesn't make him a Packers fan. It's just a ball to him.

And you can't take it away from him. It's attached to it now.

It's his transitional object, like Ruby with that stuffed monkey.

Mr. Pickles?

We had to save a place at dinner for that thing.

And I'm not eating with that.

And I'm not not eating.

All I'm saying is that eventually he'll give it up.

Eventually, the game is tonight.

And he's not bringing that ball to the game.

Maybe he will and maybe he won't, but I'm not taking it away from him.

Look, no matter what you do, Kyle's going to grow up to be his own person.

I'm sorry, sweetie, but chances are he's not going to be a carbon copy of you.

Oh.

He might not even like sports.

Hey,

what are you guys doing here? Hey, check it out. I made football -shaped

pancakes in honor of tonight's game.

Can you imagine if real footballs were made of pancakes?

Or if goalposts were made of bacon?

Or if I had a girlfriend?

son might not like sports.

Yeah, I said it. And you'd be okay with that?

Well, if that's what he wants.

I don't care if he's a Packers fan or a Bears fan or a Democrat or a Republican

or a meat eater or a vegetarian. All right, that's it.

Right after breakfast, I'm storming out of this house.

Cheryl, I don't understand. I thought you were a Bears fan.

No, no, honey. You're a Bears fan.

And I married you, so I support you.

What does that mean? If you were with a Packers fan, you'd be a Packers fan?

If I loved him and he didn't annoy me every day of my life.

Oh, thank God.

You were never with a Packers fan.

Right.

What?

The truth.

Have you ever been with a Packers fan?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

I'm in a mixed marriage.

It was just a couple of dates in college.

Oh, please, honey, tell me it was a girl. That I could deal with.

Just some guy who happened to be a Packers fan.

Did the two of you ever, you know...

Go to a game together?

No. Oh, Jim, she's lying.

What? She went to a game and she loved it. She came home and she said she never

screamed so loud in her life.

That's what you said after our first game.

You made me feel like I'd never been to a game before.

Are we still talking about sports?

Because if not...

I haven't been to a game in six months.

Jim, just because I dated a Packers fan doesn't make me a bad person. No, it

makes you a bad American, Cheryl.

You hate America?

Hate apple pie?

She sure cooks it like she does.

And you know what else? It makes you a bad influence on our boy.

Whoa, wait a minute. Now I'm a bad mother?

Why are you dropping your forks now?

Sarah, I didn't say you were a bad mother. You're a great mother.

For the girls.

But boys need to be raised by men the way nature intended it.

You know what?

You make a good point. That's a good point. Why don't you take Kyle and make

a man? And I'll go get my hair and nails done. You know, the way nature

intended.

Oh, I'll make him a man, all right.

Right, Andy?

Yes, sir. Read diddly -deedly.

And I'll do a little work on you, too.

All right, listen up, guys. Today we are building ourselves a brand new sports

fan. What kind of sports fan, Jim? Boy, the best kind, Andy. A Chicago Bears

fan. Bear! Bear! Bear!

Cheer the kid.

Our mission today is to get him to reject this ball of evil and accept this

ball of purity, good, and light.

that, we're going to teach this young man, my son, about the greatest year in

Bears history.

Look,

Jim. He likes it. He's smiling.

Quick, quick, quick. Get the flashcards.

You're doing good, boy. You're doing good.

Mike Ditka, leader of men.

No heart attack's going to stop him from smoking.

Jim McMahon, the quarterback.

He once mooned a news crew. Oh, he's cool.

Look at that samurai Mike Singletary. Look at him crazy eyes.

Oh, Jimmy, it's loving that. Yes, yes, quick, the Super Bowl shuffle.

Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.

We are the best shuffling crew. Shuffle on down. Two, three.

We're not here to start no trouble. We're just here to do the Super Bowl

shuffle.

Okay, Super Bowl XX, it's 37 -3. Who does that have to bring in?

Refrigerator Perry.

Spike the

ball. Spike the ball like Uncle Andy did.

Spike the ball.

like we have a brand new Bears fan.

All right, lunch is over. Get out of here.

Hey, Kenny, get rid of this. You see, Andy, that's how you raise a boy.

You don't hand him the enemy flag when he's crying.

No, you get a bunch of construction workers to dance for. That's right.

Amen, brother.

All right, my little son.

My little Bears fan.

Here. It's your first Bears ball.

Green ball.

Try it again.

This is your first Bears ball.

There you go.

No, green ball, green ball.

No, no, no, green ball.

Come on.

You're a Bears fan now. No more green ball.

Blue ball, blue ball, yeah. You're a Bears fan. There you go.

I can't stand this crying.

Just ignore it.

It'll get over it. It'll pass.

We gotta get that ball back.

Kenny!

Wow, sent that ball straight to hell.

You buy that Packers ball for me, and you can keep the change.

Hi.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Yes, I need something.

I need a couple things, actually.

I need some golf tees.

And ankle weights, of course.

Some squash balls. I'm running low.

And then I'll have a little Packers ball.

Excuse me, what?

No,

no, no, over there.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Packers ball!

Did you just say you wanted a Packers ball?

Me?

No, I didn't say anything like that. I mean, I'll buy one.

I mean, to torch it.

Do you take checks?

Hey, this guy over here is buying a Packers ball.

What are you, some kind of cheese head?

No, no, no, no, no, not me, actually.

Actually, it's for my son, you know.

He's two years old. What are you going to do?

You let your kid play with a Packers ball?

Well, he doesn't play with it.

He just sleeps with it.

Like a doll?

What the hell kind of boy are you raising?

Hopefully a happy one.

You got a problem with that?

It's okay.

It's okay.

Tell it to the dump truck.

Get this thing out of here.

There's no trash cans. Find a mailbox.

Get it out of here.

I don't know.

It's just the beginning, isn't it?

The beginning of all the things that make you happy and drive me nuts.

Thanks for sticking up for me in there.

I'm your dad.

It's my job.

No matter how dumb your decisions are.

Sorry. It's all right.

You didn't mean it.

Not this time.

But it's coming, right?

Oh, yeah.

Big time.

So no matter what I do, you're going to be who you're going to be, huh?

Yep. Is that the way you do about it?

No.

I could ground you.

I could give a nose ring.

As much as it's going to piss me off.

It'll make it a lot easier if you're a sports fan.

Don't rub it in.

Hey, Jim. What, what, what? Jim.

What? Hey, how do you think of the grass so great?

You know,

you really should ask them because our lawn looks like grass.

Sure. Watch the game.

You're here to learn about men and football and a change of kids' diapers.

And to be designated driver.

Speaking of, three more beers, sweetheart.

Hey, spear guy!

Three more big boys right here!

Well done, Cheryl.

I mean, it's the peanut guy.

But very good technique.

You may help me raise our son.

Oh, look at him.

So happy with his little Packers ball.

As long as he's happy.

See, Cheryl?

Sometimes you do get through.