Original subtitles

Hi, Mom.

Sweetie. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hand me the honey.

What did I tell you about eating food off the floor?

That's just for Daddy.

That's right.

All right, I'll get under the kitchen, get a clean one, and eat it there.

Okay.

Cheryl, will you stop obsessing over that stupid baby report card?

The pediatrician said Kyle was perfect. I just don't get it. His height and

weight are right down the middle, but his head size is just off the chart.

I gave birth to Mr. Potato Head.

Hey!

Oh, well, son of Mr. Potato Head.

Cheryl, I have got some great news. I'm going to knock your socks off and

hopefully your certain pants, too.

We got a free trip to Vegas.

Yes, Sin City, Bugsy, Seagulls, Folly in the Desert.

Did you want to tell them? Yeah.

We got a free trip to Vegas?

Well, not exactly.

It's a business trip, okay?

The foam insulation company is sending me and Jim to a trade show to

their new product.

Do you want to tell them that, too?

So it's just you and Andy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dana, you want to come?

What?

Well, we need an assistant for the demonstration.

And as an added bonus, she's like a human rabbit split. Oh, no, you guys,

time at the Riverboat Casino was just a fluke. Well, come on, I made 400 bucks

at Bacharach. I don't even know what that is.

And I won 50 at the slots, and that rash on my inner thigh cleared up.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry. I am not going without Cheryl. Ha! All right. But

if you wanted to come, the company would pay for your whole trip plus 50 bucks a

day.

I'll get you something really nice from the gift shop.

Jim,

I don't believe you. What? We haven't been on a vacation since the... I don't

know when. Oh, baloney. What about that time we went downtown for five nights

and waited on your hand and foot?

The hospital?

I was giving birth to your son.

Cheryl, you didn't have to cook, did you?

But if you're going to go on a vacation, I'm going to go on a vacation.

And if you're not taking us with you, then I'm taking the kids to Hawaii.

first class.

On a yacht.

Presidential suite. All right, all right, all right.

Family vacation, Vegas.

All right, pack your bags and shave your legs.

Well,

I'm off to the mall. I saw this pair of shoes that really say Vegas.

In what way?

They have the word Vegas written on them.

I can use one of those Mrs.

Schmetzels pretzels.

They are so good, I swear there's nicotine in them.

Okay, what's up? You hate Vegas.

Okay. Can you keep a secret? Not if you tell it to me.

From Jim?

Oh, okay. My pleasure. Spill.

All right. You ready? Yeah.

I've been keeping in touch with Jim's sister.

Roxanne?

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I've been trying and trying to figure out a way to get them talking

Well, a year ago, she moved to Vegas.

This is perfect. It's like destiny.

Okay, wait a minute, Cheryl. Don't they hate each other? Oh, Dana.

Come on.

If they really hated each other, they would have signed the police report.

Oh, boy, I can't lose.

Thank you, rabbit's foot.

Hey, how's it going?

Oh, well, I hope you have your oven mitts on, because I am on fire.

Yeah, Maverick, here's up 22 bucks.

All right, look, you know what? I've got to go to the bathroom. I've been

standing here for two hours. Okay.

Fine.

Fine, go.

Can we play this one just for fun until she gets back?

Oh, busted.

Well, Cheryl, I guess you're not any luck.

Must have used it all up when you met me.

Yeah, that's right, honey. You're the jackpot that just keeps paying off.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Yeah, that's right, sweetie. Hey, you know

think is great about Vegas?

About 50 shrimp for a buck?

Yeah, yeah, that's that. But also, with all the millions of people from around

the world, you can actually run into someone you know. Oh, yeah? You see

somebody? Yeah.

Darned if it wasn't your sister.

What? She's here? What? Yeah. I was surprised, too.

Oh, look. Here's Roxanne now.

See, Daddy's forehead finally came in.

Sort of Mom's mustache.

What the hell

are you doing here?

Stopping traffic with a rat that just won't quit.

Cheryl called.

Oh, yeah?

Said you wanted to patch things up.

Oh, yeah.

That's great.

Okay, speak to you for a second.

Excuse me, sis.

We'll be just one second.

Family vacation?

I knew you had an exterior motive.

It's ulterior, Jim. Oh, yeah, like I'm going to believe anything you say right

now.

This is why I wanted to come, but honey, it's just that I care about you.

It's not natural to be cut off from your own family.

Cheryl, I cut her off because I don't want her anywhere near us. Our family. I

don't want to... Tuk -Tuk owes you a

little money.

Oh, it's not about that.

I've forgotten about the $4 ,567 .19.

Watch, Shane is not good.

You've seen how she uses people. She doesn't even think twice about it. I

I know it's been that way in the past. People do change.

My sister does not change.

Oh, really? You know that guy Rick? Out of her life.

She said that the last time. She always says that. Then the guy running the

tilting roll takes off his shirt and she falls in love all over again.

He'll be back in a second. Just set it down, honey.

Yes, that's sad, but I don't want to get sucked up in that screwed -up world of

hers again, ever.

I want her out of my casino. All right, all right. Quit giving Cheryl a hard

time.

Just take this.

For you.

What's this?

It's called a check.

If you take it to a bank, the nice people turn it into money.

150 bucks?

Yeah, put it towards where I owe you.

I know it's not much, but it's a start.

Wow.

Never paid me back for anything.

Jim, I know you don't believe me, but I really have turned things around.

Hey, she even has her own business here in Vegas. Tell him. Tell him. Oh, yeah.

I'm a hairstylist.

I paid my way through beauty school working as a magician's assistant.

Yeah, check it out.

Okay, Roxanne, I get it. I get it. I get it. Roxanne, I get it.

Come on. What do you say?

Can I buy my big brother a cup of coffee? Yes.

Love it.

Is that top of the 150?

Sure. I'll let you leave the tip.

All right. That's all right.

Because I never leave a tip.

Oh.

So there's this wet cement in front of our Uncle Paul's restaurant.

Oh, please. And everybody else is writing their names in it with sticks.

The little Jimmy here drops trowel and plants his butt cheeks right in the

middle of it.

You know, he still does that with every foundation we pour. Oh, come on.

What can I say? I like to sign my work.

Aunt Roxanne, I like your nails.

And I like your makeup. You can really see it.

Well,

you know what? The key is the foundation.

You want to know who gave me that tip?

Barbara Mandrell. Last time she played here.

She knows Barbara Mandrell like I know Howie Mandrell.

Roxy.

Roxy. Oh, hey, Wayne.

Hi.

I just popped in for a little key lime pie, but it seems things have gotten a

lot sweeter.

Oh, stop.

Hey, everybody. This is my friend Wayne. Hi.

Oh, my God.

You probably don't remember this, but when I was in the fourth grade, I went

to see you at Rosemont Horizon, and you looked right out into the audience, and

you said, There's a young lady that's going to grow up and break many, many

hearts.

Oh, my God, you remember.

How could I forget?

I say that every show.

I want you to meet my big brother, Jim, and his family. Hi, how are you, Wayne?

Hey, good to see you. Oh, this is the, this is the butt in the cement guy.

Yeah, yeah, he likes to make a good impression.

My wife, thank God she's beautiful, right, Wayne?

And by the way, My wife wanted me to say thank you because she was thrilled with

the new do that you gave her. Oh.

Well, tell her I said dunk a Shane.

You're really a special lady. Thank you, Roxy. When your wife's already getting

a 20 % discount, you can stop kissing my butt.

See you guys.

See you.

Bye. Bye -bye.

high -class clients like that once I get my chair.

Your chair?

Well, you have to rent the chair space in a hotel salon.

Then you start making the big bucks.

Oh, and when I do, I'll be sleeping late and eating steak.

Wow,

you are Jim's sister. Oh, come on.

Hey, Roxanne, can you come on the roller coaster with us?

Okay, but I gotta warn you, I'm a screamer.

Are we still talking about the roller coaster?

No. Jimmy, I got this.

Hey.

Hello. You're doing pretty well.

I guess so.

You glad I stuck my cute little button nose into your business?

Well, it is nice to see her, you know, with the kids.

You gave her a chance and she rose to the occasion.

I guess anything can happen.

Got the tip.

But there's a Canadian quarter in there. Don't tell anybody.

When are you going to start at the salon?

Well, soon, I hope.

Just got to raise $2 ,000.

Somehow.

Did you hear that? Did you hear that, Cheryl?

She was working me. Did you hear that? Hi, honey. She didn't ask you for

anything. Oh, no, not directly. She's too smart for that.

First, she gives me a little of my money back, gets me to trust her, then she

hits me for the big chunk.

Well, forget it. She's not getting a dime. I am not an ATM machine.

I am so embarrassed, you guys, but I seem to have left my wallet at home.

Can I borrow five bucks to pay for the pie? Sure.

Thank you, Jim. Oh, you're welcome.

Not a problem at all.

What? He's good for it.

Excuse me. These cups are for winners.

Well, I'm off to get us all tickets for the best damn show on the strip.

What's that?

Oh, it's amazing.

It's Samson and Delilah. It's the Titanic. It's the history of the world.

That's pulled by 50 topless women.

Thanks.

Hey, how you doing?

Losing.

So did you get Jim to change his mind about Roxanne? No, he won't budge. Well,

maybe he's right about her.

I think he's wrong this time. I really think she's changed.

Wow. Do you really believe...

I wish I could help her get set up.

past you or something?

The canal is only three feet deep, senor.

First you can drown an inch of water, you know.

Hey, I'm late.

What's with the hat?

Oh, well, I thought it might get windy, you know, out on the water.

Cheryl, we're inside on the second floor.

There's a smoke detector in that cloud.

Yeah, well, I'm wearing a hat. You're wearing black pants with white socks.

Let's move on, shall we?

All right.

Isn't this romantic?

Yes, it is.

Now, we never have to go to Europe.

Yeah, nice try.

Thank you.

Signore, it's traditional for lovers to kiss when they go under the bridge of

sight.

Well, I don't want to mess with tradition.

Hello?

that bridge with that hair. No.

Wait, hold it.

Did Roxanne do that?

Yeah. She just wanted to do something nice for me.

Oh, yeah? Why would she want to do that, Cheryl?

Did you do something nice for her? Honey, I mean... Huh?

All right, I won $2 ,500 at the slot, and I gave $2 ,000 of it to her for the

chair. What?

What? Are you nuts? How could you do that? I wanted her to have it. I don't

care. You don't get involved in that.

What? Because she's my sister, not yours.

She's my sister -in -law.

Oh, I don't care what she used to eat. You don't do that. Why are you getting

that kind of shape?

Because I already gave her the $2 ,000.

Wow.

At least I got a hairdo out of it.

like to see in one of these shows?

Emmanuel Lewis getting shot out of a cannon.

Oh, hey, Jimmy.

I'll be with you in a second.

Why don't you just grab a National Geographic?

The one on the bottom has Native girls in it.

You know, I don't even care about naked women right now. That ought to tell you

how mad I am.

Well, I guess Cheryl told you how she gave me the money. Yeah, and I noticed

didn't tell her how I gave you the $2 ,000 already.

Did you?

Well, you made me promise not to tell her.

I was going to give it back.

Oh, you're right, Roxanne.

Oh, here we go.

I'm the screw -up who always screws up.

Nobody ever believes me. Oh, come on, Roxanne. You know that little act might

have worked with Daddy, but it won't work with me.

Oh. Well, why don't you just shut up and look on the counter?

Right there in that envelope.

Two grand in there.

Ouch! What do you want, honey? You got a lot of knock.

You are so full of it. The only reason you're giving me this money is because I

caught you in a lie.

Oh, is that what you think? That's right, Roxanne. Well, I'll tell you

I'm going to give you Cheryl's money, too.

You know what? I'll take it.

Well, just tell me something.

Why'd you give me the money in the first place?

You know what? I don't know.

Maybe because I still had hope that I was wrong about you, but you know what?

wasn't. You love this.

As long as I'm the loser, you get to be the big hero of the family.

With your marriage and your job and your house.

Hey, everybody, look at me.

I'm Jim.

I've never been to rehab.

All right, all right, turn it on me.

All right, but I'm done cleaning up your messes.

You better not be lying about this.

Oh, $2 ,500 burning a hole in my pocket.

I'm thinking flat screen TV in the bathroom.

Or we could blow it on something stupid.

Yeah, we could.

Stop.

Is that who I think it is?

You've got to be kidding me.

Roxanne. Roxanne.

What are you doing here?

I thought you didn't have the money to do this.

Well, now I do.

What do you do, rob a bank?

No. I got the money from my new boyfriend.

What does he do, rob a bank?

No. He's a great guy.

He's warm and nice. And unlike you, he happens to believe in me.

Hey, darling.

Hello, butter muffin.

Just ruined butter and muffins for me.

Next time on According to Jim.

Yeah, Andy, I got to talk to you. Oh, Jim, I know what you're going to say,

don't worry.

The Andy man can handle himself.

Of course, I don't have to now that I'm dating your sister. You got to dump her.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Where's my sister?

You mean my wife?

She's sleeping in.

Had her up pretty late last night.

I've made my decision,

okay? Roxanne is my wife. Now you two need to decide if you want to be in or

of our lives.

Does that sound like a patsy to you?

Hell no.

I gotta go.

Wait, wait, wait.

You're not going anywhere until you tell Andy exactly what you're doing.

Could you tell him?

Because we're not really that close.