Original subtitles

I hate corn.

Oh, honey, come on. Just try a bite.

But I hate it.

Come on, honey.

Corn is fun.

Watch.

What are you doing?

I'm pretending I'm a typewriter. Yeah.

What's a typewriter?

Well, it's like an old -fashioned computer.

Yeah.

Oh, I still hate corn.

Honey, let me know. You sound like a broken record.

What's a record?

And don't let Ruby run around the park too much or she'll get overheated. I got

it. Okay, and these are antiseptic wipes.

Band -Aids, and here's sunscreen.

Okay, and where's the plastic bubble you keep Ruby in?

Okay, you know what?

Three kids, no kids, enough said.

Oh, really?

Okay, stretch marks, no stretch marks, enough said.

Hi, Nana. Hi.

You ready to go? Yeah. All right.

Hey, this is not over.

No, but that hairdo is.

Oh, you are the greatest. Thanks, honey.

Bye.

You know, you never see an anvil in real life.

Well, look how dangerous they are.

Hey, honey, I was thinking, Mother's Day is only a week away. Have you gotten me

anything yet?

Jim? Yeah, yeah, I'll clean up after this.

anything for Mother's Day.

Hey, don't worry. I always get you something. I always come through.

Well, you know, what about the lingerie I got you last year?

From the gas station?

Anyway, I know what I want. This.

What's this?

It's a pedometer. It counts your steps. Just hook it onto your belt and walk.

All right, but when I give it to you next week, I act surprised.

No, it's for you.

What? You know how the doctor said you need to get more exercise?

The gift I want for Mother's Day is for you to walk more.

Cheryl, I am in the construction industry.

I am in great shape.

Oh, sweetie.

What shape is that, a circle?

It's only 80 ,000 steps. That's just 10 ,000 steps a day till Mother's Day.

How far is 10 ,000 steps?

About five miles.

Five miles a day?

Yeah. The girls glue macaroni on a piece of paper, you get all weepy, and I

gotta walk 40 miles?

a long, long time. I know, but... Come on, sweetie, for me? For Mother's Day?

Come on, come on, come on. All right, all right, all right. But just for the

record, you are not my mother.

Who is stupid enough to sell that much dynamite to a coyote?

Haven't you been watching? A pig.

Miss Mary Mac, Mac, Mac, I'll just come back, back, back with silver buns, buns,

buns. Can we go play on the monkey bars?

Oh, sweetie, I'd love to, but these pants are dry clean only.

Uh -oh.

Let's see what happened.

Oh, honey, it's okay. It's just a scrape.

Hey, you know, if you need some Band -Aids, I got some in my bag. Oh, thank

I think we're okay.

Daddy!

Jerry's getting in my blood!

Okay, help, yes, please.

Oh, I can't, sweetie. I'm helping. Oh, you're talking to her.

Oh, you got your pants dirty. Oh, these are old rags.

Thanks for helping me out there.

I'm Michael.

Dana. Little girls can be so dramatic.

Trust me, we can be dramatic at any age.

Wow, that is some fancy nail polish you have on there. Oh, thank you. My

daughter picked it out.

I would have gone with something a little more vibrant. At the park? Never.

don't want to look cheap.

Actually, I forgot to take it off right at the house.

I'm sure your husband's done the same thing. Oh, I'm not married.

Really?

Boyfriend? Nope.

Me neither.

I mean, girlfriend.

See, I'm still getting used to being single again.

Oh, don't worry.

It gets a lot harder.

Yeah, it's rough out there.

And, you know, I can't even think about dating someone that doesn't have kids.

You know, they just don't know what we go through.

You know, I should probably tell you that I, um... What?

That, uh, I'm with you 100%. Because I'm a single parent.

You know, with a kid who's single.

That's great.

Oh. Shoot, I've got to get Olivia back to her mom's. Olivia!

You know, we're here every day after work, so maybe we'll see you again.

Okay. Like tomorrow?

Well, that would be one of the every days. Right.

All right, I'll see you tomorrow, Michael.

Help! Help!

I can't get down!

I'm a mom.

My virgin?

Yeah.

Am I supposed to be feeling it in my chest?

That was my high school football coach used to say, no pain, no gain.

You were in a band.

Yeah, but they practiced right next to us.

How am I doing?

Wow!

You've been walking for an hour and you've got 4 ,322 steps.

Except that's a four -day total.

How many was that?

None. You got to be wearing it.

Oh, forget it, Andy. What?

Just forget it. Oh, okay. Is this how we're going to play it, huh? No, I don't

want to do it.

What's next, huh? Leave the family?

No, Andy. Come on, Jim. Don't give up on your family. Come on. I'm not giving

up. Don't give up on your family.

Girls are upstairs playing, and I'm going to take Kyle to the pediatrician

his checkup. Okay. Hey, let me see how many steps you've done. No, no, no, no,

no.

But you can take a guess.

Okay,

four days, 10 ,000 steps a day, 40 ,000 steps.

You're way off.

throw stuff at people.

What am I supposed to do now?

She's expecting 80 ,000 steps by Mother's Day.

Hey, do you think she'd believe I walked so much that this rolled over to zero?

What you need is inspiration.

Hi, yeah, hey, um, your yoga classes are women only, right?

Yoga? Hey, hey, hey, great, great. We're going to be walking by your window in

about a half hour. How's the herd looking today?

Oh, please.

If you could trace this call, you would have caught me years ago.

Hey. Hey. Is that my shirt?

You wanted that?

Is Cheryl here?

No. Huh.

How about Ruby?

No, she's upstairs playing with Gracie. Oh, okay.

Well, why don't you take both of them to the park? I don't want to.

Then why not?

Jim, come on. They're not conjoined twins. Let them breathe.

Wait a minute. What?

What's going on?

Nothing. I'll have Ruby back in a couple hours.

Hold on right there.

Now, this is the third time this week you've taken only Ruby to the park.

Now you're stealing Ruby's artwork.

I don't know what's going on here.

But if you're making a buck, I want my cut.

Jim, I am not doing anything.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Spill, baby.

Okay, Ruby stays with me.

Fine. Uh -huh. What's up?

There's this single father at the park that I really like.

And he kind of assumed that Ruby was my daughter. And so she is.

So you have deliberately deceived someone for your own selfish reasons.

I respect that.

Please don't tell Cheryl. I can't stand to hear her speech about being the real

you. You know, it's like the push -up bra conversation all over again.

That's interesting.

You want something from me.

And I want something from you.

What?

Do you want me to do your walking for you? Hey, I'm sparing you the pain of

childbirth.

Jim, this is all you've done?

Glaciers move faster than this.

Dance, monkey, dance.

Bye.

Okay, three o 'clock class, let's move.

Since when?

Only the last two years.

Any good?

No.

Well, there's $25 down the drain.

$25 for a tumbling class and I can't get the good baloney?

No, no, no. She's not missing that class.

I'm going to go get her.

Gracie did it.

Gracie!

Gracie! Jim, what are you doing here? I'm here to take Ruby. She's got a

tumbling class. No, no, no. Michael's not here yet. She can miss a lesson.

Not for 25 bucks a class.

Jim! Come on. This is not like school where you can take him out for free.

Jim!

That's my girl. Come on, we've got to go to Tumbling Club. Jim, this isn't fair.

We had a deal. Dina, I want my kid. No! I want my kid, Dina.

Everything okay here? Hi, Michael. Yeah, everything's fine.

Ruby, go play with Olivia.

So this is the famous ex.

Ex?

I thought he was still in prison.

What? Michael, can you just give us a second?

You sure? Yeah.

Okay.

If there's any trouble, I'm stepping in.

Even though he's bigger than me and looks like a biter.

Hey, I've been in prison, buddy.

What the hell have you been telling this guy? Doesn't he have to be the bad guy

in this divorce?

At least I said he never hit me.

Sober.

Gee, Dana, couldn't you just say we married young and tripped it apart?

I'm begging you, don't blow this for me. I really like this guy. Listen, we're

going on a date on Sunday. He's taking me to brunch at the Fairmark. Then we're

going to go for a ride on the merry -go -round.

I'm going to tell him the whole truth then. Dana, Sunday is Mother's Day.

Mother's Day? Yes, Dana.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Oh, he wanted Ruby and I to have a special day so we didn't have to spend

our depressing government housing.

Government housing?

Well, if you paid child support.

I was in prison!

Cannot have Ruby on Mother's Day. I have to have Ruby on Mother's Day. I'm her

mother. Okay, now you're getting really weird. This is getting creepy.

Hey, hey, hey. I didn't touch her. We're fine.

Amicable divorce. We're fine.

Jim. You can't.

Listen, you let Cheryl sleep in.

I sneak Ruby out for a couple hours, and then everybody wins.

Everybody wins?

Fine, I'll give you the money for Ruby's tumbling class that she missed.

What, you think I'm in the business of renting my kids out?

A hundred bucks.

Plus, I'll throw in 10 ,000 extra steps.

Well, I'd be stupid not to take that.

What? Sure.

Yeah.

I don't pay any attention to him.

Hey, sweetheart.

Keep those legs moving. I want 90 ,000 by Sunday.

He thinks I'm a little chunky.

Do you understand how we play this little game?

Yeah. It's Mother's Day, so I call all the ladies mommies. Very good.

Now remember, if you do a good job with the game, I'm going to give you a whole

dollar.

Can I get a lollipop, too?

All right.

But it's going to come out of your dollar.

Fine. Jim, I did not walk all night to have my daughter leave this house

like a stolen car.

Well, why don't you just go wake up Cheryl and have her change Ruby?

She's awake.

What's going on?

Oh, my God.

Cheryl. Cheryl.

You're going to ruin the big Mother's Day surprise.

Yes.

All right, nobody come out now.

We're still in the original plan.

All right, why is Ruby dressed like this?

me out to breakfast mommy okay sweetie well why don't you

go inside so who wants to go first

how about the one my daughter calls mommy wearing my husband's pedometer

okay um okay cheryl you know how sometimes you meet a really cute

guy and you lie about your age

about my age, so points for me. There you go.

All right, but why is she wearing your pedometer?

And why are you wearing my robe?

This is my robe. Well, I think you answered your own question then. Jim.

What? I did his walking for him in exchange for Ruby.

I don't believe that was my mother's day gift. Well, I got a hundred bucks too.

You rented our daughter?

Well, it's not like your high morals are bringing any money into our house.

I'm sorry, Cheryl.

I don't know what I was thinking. Oh, Tina.

Sweetie, you don't have to lie.

When are you ever going to learn that true love? Here we go. Okay, the wise

perfect Cheryl's going to judge me again.

Honey, I'm not judging you.

And I wouldn't have to if you weren't afraid to be yourself.

Cheryl, you don't know what it's like.

You're not still single. You have the luxury of being yourself because you're

married beneath you.

No offense, Jim.

None taken. I'm married off.

Dana, you've got to stop trying to be me.

If you keep trying to be Cheryl, you know what you're going to attract?

Jim.

Except no substitutes.

You know what I think? I think you love it when I screw up because then you can

get on your high horse and wag your little finger at me. That's so not true.

You keep saying the same thing.

Well,

you know what?

You won. I lost. You are right again.

Yeah.

Okay, great. Well, consider it my Mother's Day present to you.

Eye contact!

Everyone in your family throws things without eye contact.

Well, look at this.

Wow, she walked a whole 40 miles.

She walked 40 miles for this guy?

Yeah.

You know, he was a pretty good guy, too. You should have seen the way he stood

up against her.

Like, jerk ex -husband.

What ex -husband?

Me, Cheryl.

Keep up. Keep up.

Okay.

So, who are you?

Well, um... I'm neurotic.

I'm a little insecure.

I'm told I snore.

I have a little bit of a shoe habit, but it's under control.

Mostly. Okay, not at all.

Oh, and I'm unemployed.

Well, I think you left out smart, funny, and beautiful.

Well, you didn't let me finish.

Dana, here's your little ruby. Hi. She wanted to be with a real mom on Mother's

Day. I'm her stepmom. Try following that ad.

Cheryl. You know, I tried to find her love with gifts and toys, but she would

have none of it. You raised her too well.

I told Michael the truth.

Oh.

Oh.

How was I? Because I did some acting in high school.

I'm Cheryl, Dana's sister.

Nice to meet you. Yeah, you too.

Well, Ruby, why don't we go?

So, uh, Jim's really your... Yeah.

But he's so... I know. And you're so... Thank you.

All right, buddy.

Showtime.

What's Andy doing with Kyle?

Would you stop renting our kids?

Doesn't look like Dana's in a fetal position, so I guess everything's okay?

Yeah.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Good.

All right, well, let's go home, then.

The girls really want to make their jelly bean omelet for Mother's Day for

Oh, jelly bean omelet. Mm -hmm.

Great.

Let's go.

Oh, come on. I'm kidding, Mom.

We'll have our table in a minute. Really? Yeah.

One condition.

What? That I walk home.

Deal.

Cheryl, Cheryl, that's ten miles.

Don't you know an empty gesture when you hear one?

Oh, honey, you don't have to walk anymore.

Really? No.

I thought you know an empty gesture when you hear one.

Well, I just want you to know for Father's Day, I want a real present.

We'll stop at the gas station on the way home.