Original subtitles

Carol, that dryer's making that noise again.

Thank you.

Daddy, what do you want for your birthday?

My birthday?

I think I want breakfast in bed, and then read the paper till dinner.

Which I'd also like in bed.

How about a magic tiara?

That was second on my list.

Honey, I think I know what you want for your birthday.

And what's that?

A new dryer.

You know, you never did take the time to know me well, did you?

Honey, I've got to run everything through three times before it gets dry.

at this. My T -shirt's been in an hour. It's still wet.

That wet T -shirt argument works against you.

Okay, girls, come on. Let's go to school.

Jim, we need a new dryer.

No.

Look, when Ruby lost a few teeth, did we throw her out and get a new kid?

No, we kept her.

Now, don't you think a major appliance deserves the same consideration as one

our children?

Jim.

No, Cheryl. When the dryer breaks, we'll get a new one.

Simple. Okay?

Come on, girls.

Daddy, how about a gumball machine?

Somebody's been reading my list.

I threw in a wrench, two hammers, and Ruby's lunchbox, and it's still going.

Why don't you just send your stuff out like I do?

Oh, honey, listen to yourself.

You're still living like you have a job.

That's right, I'm an unemployed loser.

Forgotten for five minutes. Thanks for reminding me.

Hey, is that the auction site? Yeah, this is the sports memorabilia site. So

what do you want to get Jim for his birthday?

Oh, God, I don't know. Not that. Go down.

Stop! Hey, hey, what's that?

A Chicago Bears helmet signed by Dick Buckus. Yeah, he loves that guy. Let's

that. Okay, now you just need a screen name so you can start bidding.

Oh. Oh, hey, hey, how about Charlie A? Because you used to play Charlie Daniels

when we were little.

Oh, thank you.

Remember Andy and that tube top?

Yeah.

Okay, so Charlie A.

All right, and now you're bidding against Spiffy Tool 405.

Okay, go for it. All right.

Now you're the highest bidder. Oh, I win. I'm so excited.

Well, Cheryl, there's still four days left, so anyone can bid. Oh, come on.

Who's going to mess with Charlie A.? Who the hell is Charlie A.? What do you

mean? For the last three days, I've had the highest bid on this Butkus helmet,

and some clown is driving up the price.

Hey, Jim, will you check on that Full House lunchbox?

It comes with an Uncle Jesse thermos.

He made lunch cool.

Well, Charlie, it's time to separate the men from the boys.

Oh, no, you just got outbid by 52405.

What?

52405. That's probably his weight.

I can just see him sitting there scratching his belly eating a jelly

I'm today.

Man, this Charlie ain't outbid me again.

Well, I think I know what the A stands for.

Why don't you go outside and make a friend, fatty?

I got to change my tactic.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to cozy up to him.

You know? Give him the back off, then the helmet is mine.

How's it hanging?

How's it hanging?

How's what hanging?

He thinks you're a guy.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

I'm writing him back.

Charlie A.

Huh? Once I'm his buddy, this 400 -pound geek, desperate for any sort of human

contact, will just hand the helmet right over.

You have issues.

Yeah, I know.

Okay, what should I write?

All right, well, you're writing as a guy, so think of the lowest common

denominator. What would Jim say?

That's easy.

Hey, how about that game, I think?

What game?

Oh, come on. There's always a game somewhere.

Hmm.

Yeah, that was a good game. Oh, that was a great game.

Hey.

Hey.

I hear you, my man. You marry them, and right away they try to change you.

Are you still writing Spiffy Tool 405?

Yeah. Is this how... as good as mine. Men are so stupid.

So are you guys becoming friends?

How could we not?

We've both been kicked out of bowls games for mooning the ref, and our

beer is the next one.

You're not going to, like, go out cruising for chicks together, are you?

No. Being a guy is fascinating.

tells me stuff he would never tell his wife. Like what?

Oh, get this.

He buys sports memorabilia off the internet and he hides it from her in his

cabinet in the garage.

God, that poor woman.

Oh, please. She's a sap.

Tell him an off -color joke. Guys love those.

Oh, I don't know any.

You don't know any? No.

You married an off -color joke. I got a great one about a sailor.

parent who meet the pope i heard it at a gas station oh

okay i get it the parent's jewish right

what

Just the corner.

I threw up on an anthill. Oh, man.

Hey, you know, Charlie is a runner.

He runs three miles a day. Do you believe that?

Charlie A.? Yeah. Yeah, there's a name I haven't heard more than 16 times today.

I thought you were just sizing up those bows so you could get the helmet.

I was, I was. Well, you know what? It turns out we got a lot in common.

It's kind of nice, you know, having a friend who's a real guy's guy, you know?

Oh, come on, you know what I'm talking about. I mean, like a guy who's married

with kids and doesn't wear velour sweats.

Yeah, but when you run and you're not wearing underwear, it's delicious.

Hey,

you ready?

Oh, honey, yes, I am starving. Let's go. You know what, sweetie, it's kind of a

long drive. Could you use the bathroom? I don't need to go to the bathroom. Jim.

Okay.

My key's right there. Will you grab it? Oh, yeah.

Spiffy tool.

Hey, Cheryl, I heard a great joke today about a sailor and a parrot meeting the

Pope.

You want to hear it?

No, I think I heard that one. Oh.

Yeah. Parrot's Jewish, right?

It's 4 -0 -5.

4 -0 -5 is April 5th. That's Jim's birthday.

How could I be so stupid?

I don't believe it.

I'm the sap wife.

God, this stuff must have cost a fortune. Look at this Michael Jordan

basketball.

Sammy Sosa baseball.

This ball's green and fuzzy.

Oh, God, it's an orange.

I couldn't get a dryer, and yet he's spending money on this pucky thing

by Bobby Hall.

Bobby Hall?

Cool.

Wow, your nostrils are flaring.

You know, you could fit a nickel up there.

Yeah, that'll have to wait.

We have work to do.

Mommy's teaching us planets.

Yeah. Oh, that'll come in handy when you grow up.

Hey, we still have to do Saturn. You want me to get another ball out of the

garage? Yeah, they're in Jim's tool cabinet.

You got these balls out of my tool chest?

Yeah, yeah. Dana and I were just looking around in there. We found basketballs,

baseballs, hockey pucks.

This is an autographed Michael Jordan basketball.

And this so -called moon is a baseball signed by Sammy Sosa.

$250, $350 for the basketball. Right.

Here, you big baby.

I didn't really paint over them.

Here.

You did this on purpose?

Yes. Well, you know, this is a pretty lousy way of making whatever point

trying to make.

could be worth a lot of money one day, enough to put our kids through college.

Oh, I see. So you're going to sell them.

Why do you always have to push it?

Jim, why would you hide this stuff from me? I'll tell you why. Remember I came

home one time with that Ryan Sandberg rookie card that I bought? You said I

throwing my money away.

Well, you took all the fun out of me throwing my money away.

So in the future, keep your hands off...

Ropes, if you just told him that you were Charlie A., you would have crushed

spirit forever.

Are you kidding?

I want to see how he spins it to Charlie A. I've got a window into Jim's mind.

You know, all you're going to see is a wall with three buttons, sleep, belch,

and fart.

Okay, now I know it's not till Saturday, but happy birthday, buddy.

Your traditional birthday breakfast burrito.

There you go.

Talking to Charlie?

Oh, well, okay. You know what?

That's it.

I put a lot of thought in your special day. Me and the guys were going to sing

you happy birthday, but you know what?

Forget it.

You know what?

Charlie was right.

He said you'd be jealous.

Why don't you and your best friend Charlie just run off and get married,

And do all the things you and I do, like eat and watch TV and...

All the other stuff I can't think of because I'm so upset.

You were so right about Andy.

Unbelievable. We had a huge fight last night and all I can talk about is some

stupid burrito. Well, Cheryl, guys never talk about what's bothering them. You

gotta draw them out a little. Speak their language.

Oh, right.

Right.

Wives, huh?

Right.

Can't live with them?

But if you don't, they take half your stuff.

I hear you. The wife and I really got into it last night. Yes, we're in.

Mommy, the toilet won't stop.

Yeah, Dana, would you handle that for me?

I gotta get a job.

So, what was the fight about?

Well, I wouldn't spend money on a new dryer.

And then she found my sports stash.

So what?

You make the money.

God, it hurts just to type that.

Yeah, apparently.

We both, quote, contribute equally, end quote.

Laugh out loud.

Well, you know what they say about women.

What's that?

Sometimes it's better to just buy them the damn dryer and shut them up.

You think I'm being hypocritical?

Maybe a little. And hypocritical is spelled with a Y.

You sound like my wife.

Please, don't insult me.

Ha. Ha.

Well, actually, that's a compliment.

Cheryl's a great woman.

Sometimes I don't know what I did to deserve her.

The only thing I can come up with is when I was ten, I gave a hobo half a hot

dog.

I mean, I guess I've done other good stuff, but that's the one that really

stands out.

You know, why don't I let you outbid me on the helmet?

That way you can bring it home and show her who's boss.

No.

You gave me good advice.

Thank you.

You take it.

Okay, gotta go.

I'm attaching a video of a monkey kissing a goat.

I'm gonna need a plumber.

Andy, I could use a little hand here.

Oh, really?

You want my help?

All right.

Ow! Oh, no can do.

I got a Charlie A. horse.

Christmas and happy birthday.

Thank you.

Oh,

don't move. I'll be right back. All right.

That is fascinating.

It is your birthday, and yet you bought Cheryl a present. What would make you do

something like that?

Well, it's nothing.

It was on sale at Lazy Owl, so I got it. Oh, by the way, they're looking for a

clerk, so I brought an application for you.

give it to you at your party, but I couldn't wait. Happy birthday.

Thank you, honey. You didn't have to do anything. I told you I'd be happy if you

and the kids just left me alone for a night.

Oh,

my

God.

This is a Dick Butkus signed helmet. I know.

You know, I was bidding on one just like this. No, you were bidding on this one.

Spiffy tool 405.

You mean, you're Charlie, eh?

Well, well, well.

What a delicious little twist to our story.

He's taking us to all the PGO tunnel pools for your birthday.

Honey.

Come on, honey. I didn't mean to hurt you.

Look, I was just mad about the dryer, and then I found out you were hiding all

that stuff, and so I deceived you.

Yeah.

I'm not mad about you deceiving me.

I've deceived you so many times, I guess I was due.

Jim.

Can I ask you a question?

No.

Why is it you shut down around me, but you can pour your heart out to some

stranger on the Internet?

Because it wasn't a stranger.

He was my friend.

And you know me, I don't got that many guy friends.

That is not true.

Oh, come on.

You got Andy and the cheese sample guy at the supermarket.

Really? Yeah.

Honey, I just small talk with him while I'm eating the cheese. When the cheese

is gone, so am I.

What do you want me to do?

I don't know.

I miss Charlie.

But, Jim, you don't have to. Charlie's right here.

It's a little different. How?

Well, Charlie's got boobs now.

Why?

Come on, just ignore him.

Okay, okay, look.

All right, how about this?

Talk to me like I'm Charlie, okay?

Just look me right in the eye.

The eyes, Jim.

Hi.

You got blue eyes. Oh.

They're really pretty.

Thank you.

They scare.

That blends right into your neck. It goes right back to where it was at.

Okay, how about this? If I make it again, you have to forgive me.

And what happens if you don't? Well, you still have to forgive me.

And you have to wear my underwear on your head when we go out.

It's so ridiculous. I'm not doing that.

Well, Charlie A would take that bet.

So in this application, can I put you down as a reference?

Yeah, um, I don't think so.

All right, hey, we ready for a touch?

Almost.

What are you doing?

At least they're dry.