Original subtitles

Oh, Ruby, come here, honey. We have to talk about your birthday.

Do you want the Little Mermaid, Cinderella, or Snow White?

I want a clown.

Are you sure, honey? Because once you get a clown, you're stuck with him.

Did I not say that at your bridal shower?

They can have Prince Charming.

Ruby, Prince Charming doesn't just show up at your door. You have to go out and

search for him. You have to go to bars, join a gym. All right, Ruby, come on.

Let's go make tiaras.

Now, the first thing to look for in a prince is no wedding ring.

Hello.

Hi, girl.

Thank you.

Did you get the plate for Ruby's party? I sure did.

What do these look like?

Jim, how could you get NASCAR plates?

our place don't go with Disney Princess Cups? Now it's all mishmash. There's no

theme. Well, can't no theme be the theme?

Okay, well, what's all this?

Well, those are the munchies you asked me to pick up.

Jim, I said scrunchies.

I want them to go in the goodie bags.

As usual, nothing gets done right unless I do it.

Hey, just because it wasn't done your way doesn't mean it was wrong.

Yeah, Jim, it kind of does.

What's a scrunchie?

It's a cloth -covered hair ornament with gentle elastic designed to aid in the

twist and loop of a ponytail.

Yeah.

Well, here's a stumper for you. What are testicles?

Tap!

Oh, baby.

Cheryl, hey.

Wake up.

What, are you still sleeping?

You don't look so good.

Put some makeup on.

Cheryl, come on. You're not even trying anymore.

Jim, I'm sick.

My throat hurts. I've got a temperature.

Oh, honey.

I can't be sick today. It's Ruby's birthday.

You are burning up. Let me get you a couple of aspirin. Oh, thank you, honey.

Oh, I can't believe I'm going to have to cancel her party.

Yeah, don't you feel silly about making such a big deal out of NASCAR plates?

Mommy! Am I seven now? Oh, yes, you are, my big birthday girl.

How many hours till my party starts?

Oh, so don't sit too close to Mommy, okay? I'm sick.

Um, honey, I am really sorry, but I don't think I can do your party today.

No, you...

Oh, honey, I wish I could. I don't want to get all the other kids sick.

Can't Daddy do it?

That is so cute.

What's cute?

He thinks he can do the party without me.

No. Honey, that's not Daddy's thing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, not my thing?

Cheryl, flossing may not be my thing.

Judging Amy may not be my thing.

Flushing a toilet may not be my thing.

But throwing a little party for my daughter, Cheryl, that's my thing. Jim,

I'm serious.

It's a lot of work. There's a whole list of things that goes into throwing a

party like this.

What's this?

It's my party book.

Scared?

I'm not scared of books. I just prefer movies.

Come on, I can do it.

Ruby, hi. Your father will take care of everything.

And this may surprise your mother, but I am perfectly capable of taking care of

my children. Head! Oh!

She's fine, she's fine. She's just a little clumsy.

Oh, poor Gracie.

Feeling a little left out today because Ruby's getting all the attention?

Oh, don't worry.

Your birthday's in like what?

Seven months?

Seven.

Wow. That must be like a lifetime to you.

No great comeback, princess?

I didn't think so.

You put a cupcake on my chair, didn't you?

That's right, princess.

Did I hurt you?

I'm so short.

Hey, are you supposed to be in bed?

Yes. What are you doing down there? Are you checking on me?

No, honey. I always like to take a walk right after I throw up.

Honey? What?

You didn't even write the girls' names on the goodie bag.

No, they're all Brittany or Ashley. What difference does it make?

You can't just wing it.

You know, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

Oh, great.

Why don't you shave your head and chant that at the airport?

Ta -da!

Do I know how to make a cake for a princess or what? Oh, Dana, it's

Thank you for dressing up. The girls are going to love that costume.

Well, I figure if you're going to be a spinster aunt, you might as well be a

good one.

Hey, you finally got some good use out of that bridesmaid gown, huh?

All right, I bought you magazines, tissues, and cold medicine.

Hey, did you get me mouthwash?

Oh, maybe not enough.

So, partay man, anything in Cheryl's book I can help with?

Yeah. You can throw it out.

I don't know if that's a good idea. Last time you threw out Cheryl's

instructions, we accidentally drove to Canada.

We had a fun time.

We saw a moose.

Listen, it's not that big of a deal.

Come on, it's a two -hour kiddie party.

We put in a videotape. We feed them some pizza.

Pump them full of sugar and let them go.

Well, hello, Sandy.

Hey. Oh, hi.

So, are you ready for nine little girls? Oh, I don't think I can handle it.

Oh,

for me, you shouldn't handle it. No, no, those are for... Oh! I got you!

Oh, God, you rascal. Yeah.

You know, I have to tell you, you are a great dad. My husband would never stick

around for a slumber party.

Slumber party? Yeah.

You mean as in...

Slumber party stay all night? Well, with these kids, it's more like stay up all

night.

and then J -Lo showed up at the Versace party with Ben Affleck on one arm and a

Cartier bracelet on the other.

The benefit was to raise money for the survivors of blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah.

The end.

Well, I'm going to go put the finishing touches on the cake.

I wish I was J -Lo.

Aw, you are, honey. You're just living in Illinois with no talent and a fat

husband.

tell me this was a slumber party. I did.

When? When I looked you right in the eye and I said, Jim, Ruby's having a

slumber party.

Did you tell me the focus?

Yes.

Did you give me a treat?

No. Well, there you go.

Cheryl. Whatever, Jim.

You know, Jim, come on. I just admit you're in over your head.

Honey, there's no shame in not being able to handle a room full of little

Just go downstairs, call the moms, and tell them to pick up their kids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd love that, wouldn't you?

What? Oh, this is part of your plan, isn't it? What plan? Your plan. You win,

lose. Oh, honey, that's not a plan.

That's a fact of life.

All right, that's very funny, Cheryl. Almost as funny as a little thing coming

out of your nose.

You know what?

I'm going to do whatever it takes.

By hell or high water, by hook or crook.

party Gracie has ever had.

It's Ruby's birthday.

You just can't let go, can you?

Is this your card?

No.

Yes, it is.

I promised a hundred.

There's no a hundred in the bank.

Oh, Jim.

Hey, help me, please.

I got two things, card tricks and impressions, and they don't strike me as

Nixon crowd.

Daddy, when does my party start?

Oh, real soon, honey, real, real soon.

Hey, girls, look who's here.

Ex -President Richard Nixon.

Would anyone like a glass of Watergate?

You smell like the hamper.

Let's go. Cake time. No, no, no, no. You don't start with the cake. You build to

the cake.

Have the pizzas come yet?

No. Then we build to the pizzas.

Ah, ah, ah, Jim.

I have put my heart and soul into this cake. I was working on it at 5 o 'clock

this morning, and we don't serve it until I say we serve it. Stop acting

princess. I am so not acting like a princess.

Oh, my God.

You butcher.

What are you talking about? Just lighting the candle.

This is not your cake, by the way.

Cake's still good.

You asked!

There are children here! Watch your mouth!

We

do

this by placing three -quarter -inch plywood over the existing studs, then

covering it all with drywall.

Can you say drywall?

You don't have a girlfriend, do you?

Where's Dana? Where's the cake?

Well, there was some unpleasantness.

Okay, good to know. I'm going to get Cheryl. No, no.

We don't need Cheryl. We're fine. We only got like 14 hours.

14 hours?

That must feel like a lifetime to you.

Okay, girls.

What do you want to do now?

We want to make fairy dust necklaces.

Yeah, that's not going to happen.

Tell us a story. A story? What a great idea.

Yeah. Why don't you girls grab your sleeping bags, lie down on them in case

fall asleep.

But it's only six o 'clock.

What's your name?

Ashley.

Ashley. Adorable. Common, but adorable.

That is the cutest watch. May I, sweetie?

Aw. Hello, kitty.

Goodbye, kitty.

Hey! Hey!

He's for horses!

No, what kind of story would you girls like to hear?

A princess story.

No, a rainbow story.

A story about a pony named Twinkle.

Okay, I hear scary story.

Here we go.

Once upon a time, there was this crazy guy.

And he had...

His fingers.

And his feet.

What's his name?

It doesn't matter.

Is it Twinkle?

No, get off it!

Anyway, they called him Old Fingerfoot. Yeah.

And he lived in a graveyard.

Right where we built this house.

And he used to ride around on a skeleton horse.

Was his name Twinkle?

No!

What happened was he was really thirsty one night, 20 years ago this very night,

and he wanted some blood and popcorn and Cheetos and stuff. And so he crept up

the driveway with his six fingered feet and he looked in the window and a sharp

windmill blade ripped off his head.

So remember, 911 is for real emergencies, not ghost stories, okay?

All right. Who dialed 911?

Joe. Joe who?

Joe Mama.

Are you out of your mind telling them ghost stories?

Can you do me a favor?

Can you just tell these little girls that if they don't go to sleep, you're

going to put them in jail?

It doesn't work. I've tried it on my kids.

Daddy, where are we going to think?

Thank you, honey.

Okay, entertain him. With what? I'm out of material. Show him your webbed toe.

I'm usually charged for that. Just do it!

Everybody's having fun.

Are you?

Well, yeah, I mean... No.

I wish Mommy wasn't sick.

No.

Me too.

You think this is a bad party?

When I was seven, I didn't even get a birthday party.

Why?

I don't know.

That's ancient history.

Hey.

Baby.

I know why we're not having fun.

Because the real fun isn't supposed to start until the actual time that you

born, which was 648.

And what time is it now?

230.

Don't they teach you anything in that school?

It's 648.

So now the party can begin.

Foo on Andy's forehead?

Joe.

Joe who?

Joe Mama.

I guess she ought to be there.

The house is still standing. Nobody's missing.

Looks like the party went okay.

The party went better than okay.

Every first grader is going to be talking about it at the drinking

Monday morning.

It couldn't have been more perfect. Actually, better than perfect.

What's a better word than perfect?

Oh, right.

Me.

Okay, honey.

I was wrong and you were right. My way is not the only way. Oh, that goes down

so smooth.

All right, come on. You go upstairs and I'll fix you something to eat.

Okay. Hey, did you save me any cake?

Cake? Oh, syrup.

Come on. I'd lit that thing on fire and host it.

Joe!

Okay, girls, breakfast!

Hey, honey.

Thank you. You made Ruby's day.

Just doing my job, man.

And by the way, you are never allowed to get sick ever, ever again

on anybody's birthday.

Okay. Except for yours, because that's your day.