Original subtitles

Yeah. Want to see an Uncle Illusion?

Sure. Hold your fingers like this.

Okay. No, touch it. Take a hit there.

Okay.

What are you doing?

It's funny.

Honey, that's not funny. It's not funny when you trick somebody and you hit

them. I'm sorry, Daddy.

It's okay, baby. It's okay.

Just don't do it again.

Hey. Hey, Dana.

Hey, Dana.

You want to see an optical illusion?

Sure.

Okay.

Take your two fingers like this. Okay.

Watch the tips and try to bring it together.

Okay, Ruby.

That's to you.

Four pretzels.

Honey, one of those has a bite out of it. Just bet three.

In or out, Daddy?

I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in.

Gotta go to the ATM machine.

Jim.

I signed your truck over to Ruby two hours ago. Just walk away.

little girl. You just violated household security rule number 2A. Never open the

door to a stranger, Danger.

Did you bring me something?

Yeah. I have a puppy and some candy in my van.

No, no, no, no.

Better work on those home security rules, huh, Jim? Yeah, Danny. Good to

you. Cheryl, how are you? Danny, I'm good.

Well, you've been waiting for him all year. Yes.

Tickets to the policeman's bar. Oh, great.

Danny, can you stay?

Love to.

Your security that you feel in your home right now is predicated upon me

patrolling the mean streets of an even meaner city.

Knowing that any moment I may go toe -to -toe with some hammer -wielding

psychopath.

So, can you stay?

Yeah, why not?

Hey, Danny, can you talk to the brass about the policeman's ball? I want the

band to play.

They went for it. They did?

Great, great, great. How much more do we need to pay?

Nothing. The open bar?

God, no.

Preferred parking?

Negatory.

All right, we'll do it.

I've done my professional non -paying gig. I'm so happy for you.

Oh, thank you. Hold on a second.

Well, hello. Come on in.

Come in.

Officer Majowski, I know these people are your friends, but there is an

cable hookup out there.

That was there when we moved in.

That's the reason we picked the house.

Come on in.

Jim, Cheryl, this is my partner, Officer Lorraine Elkin.

Pleasure to meet you, citizens.

Yes, we first met on a multiple suspect 437.

When I arrived at the scene, this diminutive minion of justice was laying

nightstick right in the immobilizing nerve cluster of that perp.

Can you believe I got paid for this?

Can I see your handcuffs?

You break the law, ma 'am, you'll see the handcuffs soon enough.

I think you better push this little suspect right here. Oh, Lorraine, that's

going to stain. Why don't you come into the kitchen? I'll get that out. It's

okay, honey. It's okay, baby.

I see you have a lovely home here, Cheryl. Thank you.

It's a burglar magnet. Close those windows at night.

How about you stop by the garage tomorrow? The band is rehearsing. We'll

a song for the ball.

All right.

What's been going on here? A little poker?

Yeah. You know, as a law enforcement officer, I really should stop this game.

You didn't see anything.

This is for Dad, not Rob. Oh.

Thanks.

You know, if you ever find yourself confronted by an armed assailant, aim

the brachial tendon of the gun arm.

When you hear that pop, you'll know you're home.

Thank you.

Sorry, I thought we were exchanging helpful tips.

See? Look, it's almost gone.

Thanks. Yeah. I'm wearing these to the ball.

What? You're not going to wear a gown?

Well, the only dresses I own are for when I go undercover as a hooker.

Yeah, I can see how that might not be right.

But come on.

Don't you want to look pretty for the guys?

You do like guys, don't you?

I get that question a lot. I don't know why.

If Sister and I are taking you to the mall tomorrow, we are going to get you a

gown.

Well, all right. All right.

Why not?

Say, we'll take my squad car.

Oh, yeah, I can park anywhere I want.

That is so much better than Jim's homemade handicap placard.

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Why do I know I'm going to find a whole lot of shoes in that bag and nothing for

the boss?

Here, these were on sale.

Boxer briefs?

Next stop, San Francisco.

Honey, Lorraine needed everything. She didn't even have eye shadow. Can you

believe that?

Shut up.

I am not wearing these.

And she talked about Danny the whole time. I think she has a crush on him.

Cheryl. These look too clingy.

Lincoln and Douglas need room to debate.

All right, I'll take them back. Now focus.

I think Lorraine has a crush on Danny.

No. And neither of them has a date for the ball. Stop right there.

Oh, come on, they're perfect for each other. Cheryl, look who's not focusing

right now. No, I'm not going to do it. I just don't see what's to harm in

suggesting that Danny ask Lorraine out. Cheryl, there are certain unwritten

rules that men honor.

I know, I know. Eyes straight ahead at the urinal.

But even more important, men don't meddle in other men's love lives.

Also, men never use the phrase love lives.

Now just drop it.

All right. Fine.

Good.

not letting it go.

I'm not asking you to meddle. I just think it would be nice if you would

Danny in Lorraine's direction.

What is it with you? Why can't people just be single?

You can't even relax unless every woman has paired up with some guy that she can

nag to his grave.

You're only allowed to dig yourself one hole at a time.

Honey, you know I love our marriage. I know. Honey, I know you do.

I know, but you know what?

We may not even have been married if Danny hadn't meddled the night we met.

Danny? Yeah, that night in the bar.

We've been here six minutes and not one guy has hit on him. I have to think it's

you.

I think this place is totally awesome, and the people are so, oh, God,

Hey.

Hi. How you doing?

How you doing?

I'm Danny, my friend Jim, and you must be... Impressed, not?

You got a great laugh.

Oh, come on. I'm sure you've heard lots of girls laugh at you.

There's that laugh again. That is amazing. Well, thank you.

I'm Cheryl. Cheryl. And this is my sister. Agnes.

Agnes.

I'm Agnes.

So, Cheryl, Agnes, can we get you ladies anything? Oh, thank you.

Harry, we'd like two more wine coolers. And I'd like to see the dinner menu,

please.

So, feel the music.

Are you? Yeah.

Oh. Come on, Cheryl, you want to bust a move? Oh, no.

Oh!

I'm not much of a dancer. You are a dancer, I can tell.

Come on, I got the boogie. He's got feet, daddy.

Come on, baby.

Come on, baby.

So,

are you from Tennessee?

Because you're the only 10 I see.

This Jim really likes you.

I've known him for a long time, and I've never seen him like this. We troll for

chicks three times a week.

Oh, that's a good word.

No, no, wait a minute. Look, you see that TV up there?

Okay, that's the Blackhawks in overtime, in the playoffs.

And all he wants to do is dance with you.

You've got to respect that level of commitment.

I mean, look at him. He doesn't even know you left yet.

the edges and there's probably a bypass or two in his future but but he's a

really nice loyal guy cheryl

oh

oh oh oh come on baby oh man where'd he go oh come on i'll slow

down boy i'll slow down there you go

There you go.

And spin.

You're good.

I didn't know

Danny talked to you.

Yeah. If he hadn't, I would have left and I would have never seen you again.

But because of Danny, honey, I stayed.

Eventually, you stopped dancing.

Three kids later, here we are.

Come on, honey.

Please talk to Danny about Lorraine.

I guess so.

I mean, you do owe him.

I want an angel of my own.

Someone to be with me when I'm wrong.

Make me feel special. Love me strong. I want an angel of my own.

All right, back to the one, guys. One more time.

I want an angel of my own.

Someone to be with me when I'm wrong.

Make me feel special.

Love me strong.

I want an angel.

Honest mistake.

I can't wait to tell my parents that we got a gig.

Yeah, for the pigs. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

A little respect here. Oink, oink at one o 'clock.

No, thanks.

None taken.

It used to bother me until I realized anyone calling me a pig is just one

planted baggy away from seven to ten in Joliet.

I'm dead serious.

Everybody got a date for the ball?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, uh, Andy.

gown yet?

No.

She took one out of your dad's closet.

Calm down, calm down.

Why don't everybody take five, all right? I got some beers in the house.

Hey, no staring at my wife and don't talk to my kids.

How about you, Danny?

You got someone lined up, right?

No, I'm going stag.

Stag? Jim, I'm a lone wolf. I travel fast and light.

It may seem sad and empty to you, but when my underwear hit the floor at

I can be damn sure they're there in the morning when I need them again.

No prospects, huh?

Not even a working girl who owes me a favor.

Hey, how about that partner of yours?

She seems nice. Why don't you ask her out?

Officer Elkin.

Looks like the lone wolf's got a little howl in his heart.

I have to admit,

When the muzzle flash from a .357 Magnum dances across her alabaster skin, my

thoughts do stray to the unprofessional.

Wow, great.

Ask her.

She'd never go for a career flatfoot like me. I wouldn't be too sure about

What do you mean?

Well, Cheryl thinks she would.

You know, she's a chick. You know, they pick up on crap like this.

I don't know how I'd ask her or when.

Most days we're crammed into a squad car with a 12 -gauge between us and some

shirtless drunk banging on the cage in the back seat.

Well, how about this?

Why don't you bring her to the house? We'll give her a little wine.

I'll have Cheryl cook dinner.

And if you feel more comfortable with a shirtless drunk, I'm here for you.

Ask her to dinner.

Jim, Tony's staring at Cheryl.

I told him not to. I said, I don't care what Jim says. Tony!

You see, this is what we call a light -blown bullet.

Half the gunpowder, so it doesn't go through the perp and rip into the flesh

an innocent bystander.

And they lived happily ever after.

Okay, let's put the bullets away.

But we like the bullets. Come on, you heard your mother. No clean plates, no

ammunition.

Next time when I come over, we'll tape off your room and pretend it's a crime

scene. Dad!

He's so good with juvies.

Danny, wait till you see the dress Lorraine got to wear to the ball.

Oh, yeah, we had so much fun shopping. I got this little plum number with the

bronze. And Lorraine is going to look really good, too.

Did you hear that, Danny?

What do you think of that?

Yeah.

Well, uh... Yeah, I...

You know, I do some shopping myself occasionally.

I bought some cut -offs the other day.

They're corduroy. They, you know, they bear weight well.

And they're durable.

Well, that's one hell of a great story, huh, Laurie?

squad car.

Huh, Danny?

They look like they're pea green.

We heard it.

Okay,

girls, it's time for bed.

Can we sleep with a bullet?

No. No bullets in bed.

God, I'm going to be such a good mom.

Oh, Cheryl, you've got to give me the recipe for that string bean casserole.

actually, that's my recipe.

Really?

Cream of mushroom soup.

Good guess, but no.

It's a shiitake miso.

I'm going through this fusion influence right now.

Come on, I'll write it down for you. Great. I'll trade you one for a stew.

can make it a riot helmet. It may not taste good, but it'll probably be the

meal you ever have.

Oh, Danny, come on, come on. Go talk to Lorraine. Cheryl lives to clear the

table. Come on.

I don't mind.

It's obvious he's too... scared to talk to Lorraine. You have to do something.

Me? Yes. Come on. I put this whole thing together.

I got them both here. I got you to cook dinner. And I didn't even mention that

the pork chops were a little dry.

I have nothing more to give.

Okay.

I'm going to go help Dana with the kids.

You have a chance to save your friend from a lifetime of loneliness and

And those pork chops aren't fried.

Oh, please.

have to wash the dishes.

Look, you just set it in the sink, and the next day, they're clean.

That's Cheryl of yours. She's something, Jim.

You're a lucky guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I am. With a little help from you that night at Hannigan's, Cheryl told me

you talked to her.

Ah, well, you would have done the same for me. I am trying to, Danny, but

making it very difficult.

Now, come on, let's go in there and just ask her into the ball.

Uh -oh. Why not?

What if she says no?

Then I look like a fool.

Then we're riding in the squad car. We're sitting there and she knows that I

care more about her than she does for me.

The awkward silence would kill me.

God, I would kill for that silence here.

Just kidding. Come on.

Come on. She's going to say yes. I guarantee you.

Come on. Let's just ask her. Come on. Let's go. Come on.

By the way, Jim, Sharon's a poor child.

Absolutely already here.

And then Jimmy Smits leaves and they bring in the kid from Silver Spoons.

Officer Elkin.

Yes?

Since we're both going to the policeman's ball, I thought it would be

if I swing by and pick you up.

As we have a mutual destination.

Which would be the aforementioned policeman's ball.

Well, I... She's going to the ball with me.

What?

Yeah, she's going to be my date.

Oh, I see.

Well, since everybody's transportation needs are taken care of, I guess my

done.

Getting a little late, I think I'll call it a night.

Can I give you a lift anywhere?

I'd be happy to take her.

Fine. I guess I can't give you a ride anywhere.

Lucky for us all that Andy's here.

Well, have a good time and wear your seatbelts. I'd hate to hose you both off

the highway.

Yeah, I'm a funny guy.

I think I'd better just go home and... Clean my gun.

Jim?

Walk me to my car?