Original subtitles

Cheryl.

Cheryl, where's the good ice cream?

You know, the stuff we don't share with the kids?

Find the Brussels sprouts.

Oh. There it is.

Okay.

Spoons.

We have lived here seven years and you don't know where the spoons are?

I know where the spoons are.

Oh.

Ice cream is melting.

Fuck damn coupon drawer!

I swear the silver was in that drawer yesterday.

Yeah, Jim, a magical elf came and moved the spoons.

Think he'll ever catch on? Oh, please, I still think that's a good ice cream.

Hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

The boys are in the bath.

Honey? What?

Do you really think this is appropriate?

Oh, it's a beautiful thing about this song. It sounds like you're going to say

something dirty, but you never do.

All right, girls, your lunch is ready in the kitchen. Good work, girls.

Your attention, please.

have an announcement?

Something bouncy, maestro.

Hello, operator.

You guys are not going to believe this. Not only am I not going to believe it, I

won't care.

I am going to be on national TV.

What?

I'm going to be on The Bachelor, that reality show.

The Bachelor?

The one where 25 gorgeous women fight over one slick -haired pretty boy? Yeah,

that's reality.

personal infomercial. Either I get The Bachelor or I get asked out by 100 guys

who saw me on the show. Yeah, you'll get fan letters from prisons in all 50

states.

Dana, don't listen to him. You are smart, confident, ambitious.

Honey, have you seen the show? The guy picks the girl.

Smart, confident, ambitious equals high maintenance.

Thanks for playing.

What do you know about The Bachelor?

Enough to know if you want to be a contestant, you should enroll in the gym

school of seducing a man.

Is that anything like gym school holding your liquor? Because that didn't go so

well at the Hannigan wedding.

Cheryl, if they didn't want people swimming in that pool, they should have

covered it.

They did.

Dana, I am serious.

You can win this thing.

You've got to make the bachelor feel like he's bigger than he thinks he is.

If he thinks he's smart, make him think he's brilliant. If he's funny, make him

feel hysterical.

If he's a pompous windbag, make him think you're listening? Exactly.

Now, this goes for all men.

And when you feel like you're getting in trouble, talk about his mother. They

love their mothers.

And if he likes his mother, be like her. You know, that is true, Dana. That's

why you see me walking around in my housecoat and curler smoking a palm oil.

Cheryl, come on.

When we first met, you did all that girly stuff. You laughed at everything I

said. Oh, honey.

and I genuinely thought you were funny. You know, then.

And, you know, I wasn't trying to win a contest.

But you did.

You won a lifetime supply of stud.

Oh, honey.

I don't know if I'd say won.

Yeah, or stud.

Jim,

you're telling her to be something she's not.

Well, it's not like, you know, guys are banging down a door to get to the real

Dana. He makes a good point.

Oh, I'm sorry, Andy. I forget. When was your last date?

No shortage of good points today.

My first impression of Dana was, she was really cute.

So anyway, I'm in advertising.

You know those commercials for the American Bread Council? Mine.

So, you know, if all goes well, I should be partnered by May of 2003.

But as we started talking, well, as she started talking, I began to realize that

we just...

weren't clicking i just think that some governments exploit their people i mean

sure you can put a band -aid on it and say that you don't care excuse me dana

this has been really educational uh but it's getting late we should head back

but what about that walk we're going to take by the river um i think they closed

that river could you take us home high maintenance thanks for playing

wait wait

You know what?

I have been talking about myself this entire time.

Let's talk about you.

What's your mom like?

Oh, my mom? Yeah.

She's great.

She thinks I'm really funny. She loves my Peter Jennings impression.

Good evening.

I'm Peter Jennings.

Oh, my God.

That is just like watching the news.

We got off to a rough start, but once I saw her real personality, I was hooked.

Well, did you make the cut?

Oh, I'm so happy for you!

And get this, this is so cool. Rick is coming here tomorrow night to have

with you guys, my family.

With a film crew.

We're going to be on TV.

Oh, girls, go clean your rooms.

Honey, honey, my house is going to be on television.

So is my butt.

Honey, there is no TV crew going to be traipsing through my house, stealing all

our valuables.

You mean your glass collection from Chevron?

Cheryl, you don't get it. Nobody has all eight.

It's not happening.

Jim. No, Cheryl, Jim's right. I mean, who needs a catering table with five

different kinds of pies?

Five?

Well, it could be a good experience for the girls, you know.

And, Cheryl, they bring in a stylist to redo the whole house for the night. Oh,

that's so great. Maybe they can put in really big furniture to make my butt

smaller.

You guys are going to love Rick. He's just so great. And he's so into me.

into a smart, confident woman.

Yeah, about that.

What? Well... What?

I tried to be myself, Cheryl, but he was losing interest.

And? And it was just... easier to do it Jim's way. Oh!

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well.

Looks like we have another transfer student to the university. University of

Jill.

Please stop by the library to pick up your copy of the fight song.

You should have seen him, Cheryl. I mean, his eyes lit up. I couldn't bear

myself.

So you'd rather have an entire relationship based on a lie?

Well, if it makes me happy, why not?

I mean, I really like this guy, Cheryl. I like him a lot.

Interesting. After an entire lifetime of you playing matchmaker to Dana.

I'm the one who gets her husband.

Isn't that a delicious enigma?

Yeah, Jim.

If I sculpted a man out of crap, he wouldn't be more full of crap than you

right now.

Oh, excuse me. Would you please put those flowers on top of the piano?

much.

I am in love.

with these throw pillows. Can I have them?

Kidding.

I love this. It's like being married to a rich guy. Oh.

Honey, we're rich in many ways, like our love. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, y 'all mic'd up?

That's what we say in the biz.

Ah, my latte.

Yeah, cold.

Chad.

Can you do me a favor and run this over to ten minutes ago when I wanted it?

Okay, you guys, how do I look?

I mean, I know I look great, but I'm still really nervous.

I just really need this night to go well.

Wish me luck.

You know what? A graduate of the University of Jim, they make their own

Thank you, Jim.

Well,

Andy, did they give out a Nobel Prize for love?

Because I humbly accept.

Jim, put on your headphones.

I can hear The Bachelor out on the porch. Oh, cool.

This Dana chick, she lasted all my jokes.

She thinks I'm a genius.

It's too easy.

Tonight is going to be the perfect one -night stand, and tomorrow, I dump her

the show.

Oh, man, this is unbelievable.

What a creep.

How can people be so cruel?

Oh, Chad.

Yeah. See my hand? Guess what's not in it? A hot latte!

Come on.

Let's go teach this slick -haired pretty boy bachelor a lesson. No, no, we can't

beat up a guy on national TV.

We learned that at the St. Patrick's Day parade.

Okay, let's tell Dana. No, we don't tell Dana. Dana tells Cheryl. Cheryl

discredits the school of Jim and a great institution of learning tumbles down.

Well, we got to do something. We can't let him sleep with her.

What would make a guy not want to sleep with a beautiful, available woman?

Hi,

girls. Are you going to marry Aunt Tina?

If I told you, you wouldn't watch the show.

Oh, my God. What do you guys do?

Do your Peter Jennings.

Good evening.

I'm Peter Jennings.

Dana's a whack job.

Run.

I hope it's ready, because I have some pretty tough questions for him.

Do you like pot roast?

No, I don't like it.

I love it.

Well, I'm just going to take our soup terrain back into the kitchen.

We got it in Wales while we were yachting.

I missed that trip, remember?

I was big game hunting in Africa with Nelson Mandela.

Well, I'll help you with your entree.

I'll be right back, cutie pie.

Well, boy, those mushrooms just shoot right through you, huh?

is that you'd be real smart to get in there before him.

You guys realize there are cameras here, right?

Oh, yes. I think it's good advice for the entire country.

Shall we?

Come on in. Here you go. Thanks.

Hey, a little privacy, a little privacy.

Okay.

I think I can pretty much take it from here.

Have a seat.

Look, I think everyone here

in this room loves Dana.

That's right. We wouldn't want anything to happen to her. But when it comes to

men, she's... A complete psycho. Out of her freaking mind.

Okay, now, you didn't hear this from us, all right?

But a while back, she was dating this guy that she was crazy about. He sleeps

with her once, then dumps her.

Okay, she gets all obsessed.

Calls him at all hours of the night.

Drives by his house, steals his mail. She joined his mother's canasta club.

Okay, the guy finally moves away to Bali.

Four years later, he gets married.

Comes out of the church with his bride in Bali.

Gets into the limo.

And guess who's driving?

Dana?

Dana. Wow.

She is so complex.

I'm beginning to think that I'm not good enough for her.

In fact, I know I'm not.

I'm not.

So, Rick, do you plan to stay in the Chicago area? Because, you know, Dana's

real Chicago girl.

Um, well, no.

I like to move all over the place.

Well, don't worry. I'll follow you anywhere.

Just try and lose me.

Rick, come on. Sit down next to me. I don't bite.

For the love of God, do what she says.

Nope, really, I'm fine. Over here.

Hey, Rick, looks like you need a little ice in your drink.

Dana, do you mind?

Oh.

He loves her ice pick.

I do. I really do.

Okay, that's great, but I think I could be heading out.

What? Wait a minute, but you're meeting my family. Dana, hand me the ice pick.

Nice and easy. We all love you.

This has been really fun, but I gotta go.

But you can't go.

Dana, you are really nice and sane and everything. Back off. What?

What night is this going to show on TV?

All right, all right, all right. Shut that off. Show's over.

Over. What happened?

I don't know.

It was going so well, and you and I went into the kitchen, and the guys were out

in the dining room.

Excuse me.

Did you see his face with the ice pick? Oh, that was brilliant. I just made that

up.

responsible for this? Well, I think you have to define responsible.

Okay. Andy, were you involved in this, too?

Cheryl, we had a very good reason, honest.

All right, I want to hear this.

Uh -uh, coaster, not ours.

Pretty comfortable bench, huh?

Apparently, we picked that up ballooning in Switzerland.

You know, Dana, maybe this Rick wasn't ready for a long -term relationship. He

said he was.

Well, then maybe I scared the hell out of him when I told him you were a

You did what?

Dana, Andy and I were listening on the headset to him, and he was talking to

crew and bragging about how he was going to sleep with you and then dumping him

off.

Really?

Yeah.

How embarrassing.

I am such an idiot.

I even laughed at his stupid Peter Jennings.

Well, that was a slap in the face to a fine journalist.

What was I thinking?

I wasn't thinking.

I was just blinded by the whole fantasy of the roses and the limousines and the

cameras. How low have I sunk? I listened to you to get a man.

a weasel. I got rid of them at no extra charge.

So it doesn't work when I'm myself and it doesn't work when I take your stupid

advice.

It must be me.

Oh, come on. It's not you.

Let me ask you a question.

How many women out there, if they really knew me, would want to be with me?

None.

You know, you can wait a couple seconds before you answer it.

One.

Your sister.

That's all I needed.

And that's all you need, is one.

You see, Dana, we're what the experts call hard -to -place people.

You'll find somebody. Just take some time.

Yeah, how do you know?

Well, that's because I'm the president of an enormous university.

Remember, for every hand, there is a glove.

For every ass, there is a saddle.

And for every good woman, there is a good man.

Thanks.

Are you going to come back inside?

No, I'm going to stay out here.

I need to shake off these nice feelings I'm having for you.

Probably the best idea.

Oh, uh, listen, uh, this little conversation?

Never happened.

That's my girl.

You were nice to my sister. You were nice to my sister.

Very sweet, my lady.

Damn.

It's not polite to eavesdrop!

Thank you so much. And thank you, graduates of the University of Jim.

Four years ago, you came here as hapless, nagging, single chicks.

But under my tutelage, you've become the kind of broads any man would be happy

to throw a ring at.

And now a word from our class valedictorian, runner -up, and the first

and star of the new show, The Bachelorette, Trista Wren.

professor jim but what i have to say wouldn't be nearly as interesting as

hearing you talk i couldn't be more proud