Original subtitles

Hello. Hello.

I'm a Swedish stewardess who is, uh, lost and dirty.

Can you face me and tell me all about your American football, huh?

Yes.

I just have to ask my... Cheryl?

It's okay.

Really?

You deserve it. Go.

I'm very, very dirty.

Let's go over this one more time because it's very crucial.

Kyle, stop playing with your food.

Kyle, just don't stick it up your nose, all right?

Okay, girls.

Who's taking you to your first Bears -Packer Monday night football game?

The greatest daddy in the world.

That's right.

And what is this more important than?

back when Kyle can talk, right? Right.

What's in the dryer?

Oh, that's my lucky game day jersey.

I like it toasty and warm.

Because when I put it on, I feel like I'm getting a hug from the whole team at

once.

Oh.

Oh, honey.

You put my jeans in the dryer.

Oh, man, I can barely get my big butt in them as it is.

Joe, your butt isn't big. Oh, come on. Are you kidding? Look at it. It's like

two hams.

I liked it even before you compared it to hams.

Just please don't put them in the dryer anymore, okay?

I have a mind to stop doing housework altogether.

All right, girls, get your jackets on.

Hey! Dana,

will you tell your sister her ass isn't big?

But you are big, Jim.

Okay, honey.

Now, listen, I know how rowdy you guys get at these football games, so... If

could please watch your language in front of the girls.

Ooh, muzzle getting a little tight, milady.

All right, Andy, you too.

But, Cheryl, I'm street.

Street's about keeping it real.

Hey, Andy, I'm putting in these juice boxes you like. Oh, goody.

You know, Cheryl, I'm going to try not to curse, but by that time of the game,

I'll be so drunk.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

For the girls?

Okay, girls, let's go kick some gosh darn

Packer Teaster.

It's just not the same one. I know.

Just try to set a good example. A good example? The man eats in the john.

Excuse me for being efficient.

Honey, they're right out in the field right there.

They're not bears.

They're vampires.

They're not eating honey.

Oh, come on! Where's the defense?

Ah, you bunch of... Who we had?

First down!

Bears suck!

Daddy, he's saying that word.

I know, honey. He's a Packer fan.

He can't help himself.

It's all that cheese they eat. It backs up their system. They get really weird.

The bears are a bunch of damn bugs!

Hey, shut up, cheese head!

Now, just watch your mouth, huh? I got my little girls here, okay?

Yeah, okay, whatever.

Hey, O 'Lucker!

You suck!

That's it, that's it. Whoa, Snape, you're on parole.

You don't want to end up back in the joint.

Oh, so sorry. I didn't mean to insult your precious girl, O 'Lucker!

What did I just say?

You can't watch... Welcome to my stadium and talk like that. Oh, yeah, because

this is your stadium. You got that right.

Oh, because I didn't happen to see the sign out front that said, Welcome to Big

Jackass Field.

What? Oh.

Excuse me.

Nobody.

Girls, come on. Just shut it down.

What are you guys doing home so early?

Oh, well, you know what? We got up to get the girls some cotton candy because

they love it so much and I'm such a great dad, you know?

And then I noticed that they were kind of cold and tired.

And so I thought, why push it? You know, because I'm a great dad.

Okay.

Girls, did you have a good time?

You know what?

They lost their voices cheering for the bears.

I'll do it, honey. I'll do it. Go on, girls.

You know what?

Right now, they're kind of in a daddy place.

You know, from the bonding at the game and because I'm such a great... Great

dad, yeah.

You picked up on that, too, didn't you?

Okay, girls, I'll be right up. Good night, my pumpkins.

Night!

I snapped back so fast when they're that age.

So, you left the game early?

Yes, you know, fatherhood first, football fans second.

Man, you are looking pretty good in that robe, baby.

Ew. Ow!

What are you doing? Oh, God. What is... Ow! What is this?

Cheryl, can we please have some mystery in this marriage?

Ow!

Look at the... You pulled my hair on my arm.

Those are the hot movies opening this weekend. And with that... Here's Mark

Giangreco at the sports desk. Mark? All right, Janet, thanks a lot. Well, I'll

tell you, it was a low -scoring game tonight between the Packers and the

but the real action was in the stands.

Look at these two guys. They don't know the meaning of the words timeout.

Should have had this guy down on the field tonight.

What was that? Well, at least someone's fighting for the Bears.

Sign them to a 10 -day contract and see if you can help out their defense.

I mean, am I watching a gladiator or a football?

Let's see that in slow -mo.

That's a 15 -yard penalty for illegal contact with styrofoam cheese.

Oh, that's got to hurt.

F4 Packer fan is going to feel it in the morning.

You know, all we need is a guy with a chili hat.

That's me.

Jim,

how can you get into a fight in front of the girl?

Easy.

You were not the... Here, Cheryl.

Okay? You don't know what happened.

I'm done. I'm done. No, no, no.

You're judging me. Hey, hey, hey. You're right. You're right. I am right? You're

right, honey. I don't know what happened. That's right.

So why don't you tell me? What did he do? Did he harass Dana? Did he threaten

the kids? No, no, no. No? Well, then what happened?

He called me a name.

He called you a name? A very hurtful name.

What name?

Um, Fatty? No.

Baldy? No.

Jackass? It is not important!

The point is, is that that guy was trash -talking in front of our little angels.

The little ruby and the little black one. Gracie.

I am a good example.

Come on. I don't smoke. I've never been in jail. I look great in corduroy.

Oh, come on.

You just admitted you were wrong.

Please, please, Cheryl. I'm not going to admit I was wrong. I was not wrong at

all. Oh, come on. No, no, no. You weren't there. You're really hurting my

feelings right now. I'm starting to get hurt. Hurt.

Hello. Oh, hey, Anthony. How you doing?

Yeah, I really nailed it. Well,

thank you. Thanks for calling. That was really nice of you.

Okay, bye -bye.

FYI, that was Anthony. He just saw it on TV. He thinks I'm a hero.

Who's Anthony?

Anthony was on my bowling team.

The one under house arrest?

Jim! What? Why couldn't you just call security? That's what civilized people

Honey, the football stadium is not civilized.

It's ancient Rome.

It's where men act the way men are supposed to act.

Pushing and shoving and peeing in troughs.

Well, thank you, honey. Thank you for insisting on taking our little angels

there. Well, I got snow cones, too.

Well, hey, Andy.

Really?

Really? What channel?

Okay, okay, bye.

Guess what?

They got a name for me now.

The Packersmacker.

That's just great. My friend Julia is married to a surgeon. I'm married to the

Packersmacker.

Look here. Channel 2.

Packersmacker. Channel 7.

Packersmacker.

Channel 9.

Hostage situation.

It does to where girls need to see their daddy fighting.

I think it shows them that their dad is strong and will protect them. No, no. It

shows them a role model who solves problems with violence.

Where do you get that?

What, do you think our kids are like little sponges? They soak up everything

do? No, Jim. I think their teacher taught them how to burp the alphabet.

And do they not read better?

Give me that. Don't.

You better change your attitude, baby.

If you want to be Mrs.

Packersmacker, it's got to change.

Yeah, yeah, Penny, I'll give him the message.

Oh, well, he's a hero to me, too.

Yes, well, you know, he belongs to the world now.

Yeah, yeah, I was being sarcastic.

Yeah, good ear.

Can you believe it?

gonna go right to his head. Yeah, it was bad enough when he got his picture in

the paper for riding that pig.

Ugh.

Look, I agree with you that Jim shouldn't have fought in front of the

do you really think this is gonna permanently scar them?

Well, who knows?

Do you remember when Dad took us to see The Exorcist? I still have trouble going

to bed sometimes.

Well, of course you do. You sleep with Jim.

Oh, all right.

That's it. That's it. No more phone calls.

just unplug those things now ladies please direct your attention to the man

behind the front door weighing in at a belt 190 pounds

sixth grade the pride of chicago

the packer smacker the man they call

Jim is a registered trademark of Jim.

You know, Cheryl, I know the world is wrong and you are right.

But if that's true, what's with the cheese?

You should have seen him at work. Guys were coming up, having him sign boxing

gloves and giving him cheese.

You know, because of the whole cheese head thing.

Yeah, and I got a call from the Oval Office.

Yeah, I mean, not the real one. You know, the gentleman's club off Ashland.

All right, fine.

Fine, Jim.

I'm wrong, and you and the rest of the world are right.

Just hit whoever you want. Grab your crotch. Curse like a sailor. Who cares?

It's just our kids.

You know what?

It is far more important for you to be right than to be a good example.

Oh, come on, Cheryl.

Everybody's a winner.

Look, I fought that jerk. He went home a hero.

I'm a hero.

Nobody got hurt.

And we got enough cheese to get through the long, cold Chicago winter.

Please, what's the big deal?

Mommy! Mommy!

What, baby?

Mommy, punch me in the face!

Oh, no, let me see.

Oh, honey, her nose is bleeding.

Oh, that's the big deal.

Come on, Gracie, let's get some boo -boo cream for your ouchie. Yeah. Just don't

bleed on Auntie Dana's shirt. It's Dolce & Gabbana.

Where are you going?

Don't take this the wrong way, but I have to distance myself from you right

Hey. Hi, Daddy.

So, what happened?

She said I eat poop burgers.

Come on.

What are you doing here?

She made me mad, so I punched her. But you can't do that, honey. You did it,

everybody clapped.

That's totally different.

Why?

It's a very simple why, honey.

He's not my sister.

So I can punch somebody else? No, you can't. Why?

Because you just can't. Why?

Okay, but this is the last why.

No matter how right you think you are, you should never punch anybody.

Even if when you punch them, you think that you were right

when you punched them.

You understand?

No.

Well, I'm a little confused by this myself.

Let me, let me, let me, let me, let me.

Okay, here it is, honey. You punched your sister.

Okay, did that feel good?

No. Okay.

Now, you wish you hadn't done that?

Yeah. Okay, well, that's the reason right there.

It's the reason why you can never punch anybody.

Okay?

All right, then.

Now, you just sit here and do whatever it is you do, you know, when Mom's

punishing you.

She makes me candy.

What, am I new here?

Daddy?

Yeah? Do you wish you hadn't punched that guy?

Yes. Hey.

Hey. I just thought everybody would like to know that Gracie is going to be

okay.

Now, is there something you girls would like to say to each other?

I'm sorry.

You don't eat poop burgers.

That's my girls.

You want me to read to you?

Yeah.

And Benny looked at his friend Turtle and said, Have you seen my house?

No, I have not seen your house, said Turtle.

Then can I stay at your house after, buddy?

Gerald, it's those damn violent cartoons.

I mean, you got pigs hitting ducks and rabbits without pants.

I mean, it's a recipe for mayhem.

You know, wherever we go, we're parents.

And our kids are watching us, trying to figure out how to live their lives.

Okay, I get it.

I really try to be aware of the message I'm sending. I try to set good example.

And you know, you should too.

Good example. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

All right, girls. Dinner.

Good. We're done.

And you know, honey, if you ever find yourself in a situation where you don't

know what to do, you know how that is.

I want you to go ahead and ask yourself, what would Cheryl do?

And then you do that. Okay?

Okay. Okay. I'll do that.

Hey, girls. Guess what?

We have a special treat for dessert.

Hot Fudge Sundae! Yay!

I don't want any, Mommy.

Oh, baby, what's wrong? Does your nose hurt when you chew?

No, my butt's too big.

What did you say, honey?

Whatever you want.

All right, girls. Now, go wash your hands.

Okay.

Okay.

Wait a minute, Cheryl.

Two hands.

Help me out here.

I seem to recall someone in this house saying the exact same thing.

Someone who sets a good example.

Jim. No, not me.

I think it was you.

You know what it is?

It's those damn fashion magazines.

They set such unrealistic standards.

You know, I'm going to go write a letter.

Honey, honey, honey, honey, it's okay. It's okay.

It happens.

But, you know, the next time you're in a situation where you find you don't know

what to do, ask yourself, what would Cheryl do?

And then don't do it.