Original subtitles

Honey, here's your fork.

Thank you. You see, now you're a lady.

Oh.

Hello?

No, the lady of the house is busy right now.

Hey, you know, I don't really appreciate you making these calls during dinner

time. What?

No, I'm not being rude. No, this is rude.

Thank you, honey. I just hate getting those calls. Me too.

Call your sister after dinner.

Hey,

hey, hey.

Check out our new toaster oven.

Pretty swanky, huh?

Now we can throw out that old piece of junk.

One electrical fire and you turn on the thing?

It's chrome and stainless steel. Doesn't it look clean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, let's see if it's up for the tuna melt challenge.

No, no, no, no. We can't use it.

Hey, Shirley, ready to go? Oh, yeah, I can get my purse. Where are you going?

Oh, we are going car shopping for me. Hey, did you decide what kind you want?

Yes, a blue one.

The two of you are going car shopping?

Just the two of you?

Yeah.

What?

There's three things that women should never do alone.

Work on their cars, walk to their cars, and most important, buy a car.

Yeah, what about washing cars?

Can we still do that? Oh, yeah, you can put on that wet T -shirt, get all soapy.

Listen, I'm not one to make broad, sweeping statements.

should never buy their own car. Why, Jim?

I'm so glad you asked.

Because they get distracted by the little things like the cup holders or

makeup mirror. Ooh, the lights.

Where does he come up with these ridiculous... Oh, my God, is that the

toaster? Yes!

See, right there, distracted.

You act like I'm a dealership and you're going to get ripped off.

Do you remember the car I had when we were first dating? I got a great deal on

that car.

myself without help from any man.

Didn't dad go with you to buy that car? No.

I could have sworn he said he went with you. Well, he's dead now, so it's his

word against mine.

Cheryl, Cheryl, no offense, but if you dug up your dad, propped him up in a

dealership, he'd still get a better deal than you.

Well, I'm going to show you. I'm going to take Dana down there and we're going

to get a great deal. Yeah.

And we won't get distracted.

No.

I was a kid jumping in a big pile of leaves.

Can we do it? Sure, sure.

The rinks are in the garage.

Yeah!

Yeah, honey, could you help me out with something? I'm confused.

This looks like the car I helped Dana buy.

Is that it?

Yeah. Well, I don't understand that because the car I got Dana was $600

Now, am I reading that wrong or did I get Dana the best?

Oh, come on. Why can't you just admit it, that I, a woman, got Dana a great

deal, even though I am not you, a man? For the love of God, enough with this.

Do I gloat when I'm right about stuff all the time?

You gloat when you beat Gracie at Candyland.

That is different, Cheryl.

Gracie was ahead of me in Ice Cream C, right? And I was lost in Lollipop Woods.

floating, honey.

That's winning!

Hey. Hey, guess what?

Dana's brand new car broke down.

What is wrong with you? I told you not to say anything in front of Jim.

Then the next time I'm rocking out to Skinner, don't harsh my groove.

How can your car break down? We just got it a week ago. I know, and now it's

going to be in the shop for God knows how long, and a loaner car isn't part of

my deal.

Oh, a loaner car is not part of your deal.

Wow, David, I would really be chapped if the person that helped me make that

crappy deal.

Hello.

All right, David, that's it. We're going down there. We're getting you a loaner.

I am going to raise hell.

Oh, sure.

Okay, you're not going to give them hell. You could give them heck.

You can give them, oh, darn.

Maybe you'll give them the dickens.

But you're not going to give them hell.

Oh, I see. So you're the only one who can make a big scene.

Well. It was me and Sinatra, but now it's just me.

Hey, he's tough.

Remember when that Girl Scout shorted me a box of tagalongs?

She won't do that ever again.

Maybe you should do it. I mean, you're perfect for this. You're a horrible,

horrible man.

Well, thank you, Dana.

But far be it from me to step on the toes of Cheryl's little project.

Unless Cheryl, a woman.

would ask me, a man, for help. Oh, all right, you do it, you big... Oh, look

out! Look out!

Don't! Oh, she's giving me the ticket!

Daddy, we're done.

Can we jump in the parallel leaves now?

Did you do the front wall? No.

Well, that's no fun.

Oh, man.

What a spread.

The Lexus dealership. On Sundays, they have an omelet station.

They could have taken Cheryl there for Mother's Day.

So, uh, how are we going to play this?

I'm going to make a big stink, and then we're out of here with Dana's loaner.

Ah, the old stink and dash classic.

Hey, hey, can I help?

Sure. Just keep it subtle, okay?

Hi, I'm Bill. Is there anything I can go ahead and show you? Sure.

You can show me an American where people still believe in quality.

What's this about quality? I'm interested.

Well, it seems that my sister -in -law bought a car here last week, and it's

already in the shop, and this dealership won't give her a loaner. Well, perhaps

this eccentric billionaire has come to the wrong dealership.

What kind of business are you running here, huh?

Please keep your voice down. I'll keep my voice down once you give my sister

-law a loaner. Okay.

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and get the manager.

Bill, you go ahead and do that.

How about that? I've officially moved from obnoxious to frightening.

You should live under a bridge and threaten Billy Goats.

That was just a warm -up. Wait till you see me with the manager.

I'm Gretchen Saunders, the manager.

Bill tells me he'd like to speak to me.

Did you want to buy a car?

Where's the minivan?

Oh, that?

That's not here.

Yes, I can see that, Jim.

Where is it?

Oh, I traded the minivan in and got you this little beauty here.

You're welcome.

What? Yeah, I dealt directly with the manager. You know, honey, that's the

way to go. College girls were pointing at us at red lights and not laughing.

Wait a minute.

So this isn't my car? Where's my loaner? I don't know. What, do you want me to

cut your meat for you, too?

Hey, Cheryl.

Cheryl, you know, I was thinking about getting a leather bra for the front, and

I thought to myself, nah, let's just let the headlights hang out.

Oh, my God.

Jim, can I talk to you inside?

Sure.

Great. So he gets a new car... I get nothing.

You say that, but I know there's more coming.

How would you feel if I took your truck and traded it in without asking you?

Don't change the subject on me, Cheryl.

This is not about my truck.

You're jumping all over the place. I can't follow you.

I drive carpool.

How am I supposed to fit all those kids in that tiny car?

Those kids are like two feet tall.

What much room do they need?

All right, we agreed.

to make all our major decisions together.

That's why Ruby and Gracie aren't named Sayers and Piccolo.

Those are fine American names.

Come on, besides, you wanted to replace that minivan? Yes, honey, with another

minivan. Oh, you're so old -fashioned. Come on, you gotta learn to think

the box.

Cheryl, haven't you ever gotten just spontaneous and just bought something

because it felt good?

That's true, honey. For a family of clowns.

Gerald, I work hard. I put a roof over her head. I'm a great lover.

We're keeping the car.

All right, Dana, get off Andy's head.

All right, one thing is going to get done right, too. We're going to go down

there. We're going to get you a loaner. I am ready. My blood is... Me, too. I am

pumped. Yeah.

Just so you know, punching a man in the Adam's apple is dirty pool.

Not now, Andy. We're not in the mood.

Well, look at me.

I'm Cheryl.

I'm the older sister, so I boss everyone around.

Let's get all up in his business.

Hey,

you. Yes? I bought a car from you and you wouldn't give me a loaner.

Now you're going to wish you had.

Tear it up, Cheryl. He is going down.

So, Bill.

Do you think maybe when you have time, you could maybe get the manager out

Could you? Do what I can.

Thank you so much, thanks.

Don't go out of your way. Thank you.

Wow, I wouldn't want to run into you in a bright, sunny alley.

Cheryl,

this isn't going to work. Can I just borrow your new car for a few days?

you stop calling it my car? I'm not keeping it.

What about Jim?

Don't worry about Jim.

After a week of making him drive carpool, he'll drive that thing off a

Wait a minute, I'm picturing it.

Nice.

I just don't know what Jim was thinking buying that car.

Hi, I'm Gretchen Saunders, the manager.

Well, at least I know what he was thinking when.

You are gorgeous.

Absolutely stunning.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, I'm straight.

Mwah. Kyle's with Dan and the girls are having dinner at the O 'Connor's. Oh,

nice people, Fred and Mary.

Mike and Laura.

Right.

Hey, you know, I told the O 'Connor's what a great deal you got, and they

to know who you talked to at the dealership. Do you remember his name?

You know, I remember the face, but the name escapes me.

Well, what did he look like?

He was vaguely Germanic.

Germanic.

Yeah, with a dash of Latino, Chinese kind of mix, you know.

All right, well, that narrows it down to what? Three billion people?

Well, you know, he had a mustache, if that helps you at all.

You know, I think I'll just go down with the O 'Connors and we'll track him down

on our own.

Phil, that's it, Phil.

Phil? Yeah, but you know what the problem is?

The guy got fired.

Yeah, for giving me such a great deal on the car.

Poor Phil.

Phil. Well, Phil, that's a...

That's a pretty common name for a German -Latino -Chinese guy.

Well, you know, honey, that's why they come to this country.

We don't judge.

Yeah, it reminds me, I'm going to put the flag out on the steps over here.

Honey, Jim.

I happen to know the manager's name is Gretchen.

So what?

I bought a car from a guy named Gretchen.

I know, honey. David and I went down there today, so I happen to know that

Gretchen... is a leggy, gorgeous woman. And you bought that car because you got

distracted. Actually, you sat right here so smug and told me women get

distracted. Absolutely not.

Fine, fine, I will admit that she was a very attractive woman. But I did not get

distracted. I bought that car because she was a finely crafted machine.

You refer to cars as a she, you see.

So then you know all about that car.

Yeah, from stem to stern.

Although that's a voting term. Oh, yeah.

So, honey, what's the cubic displacement of the engine?

Huh?

That's very close.

3 ,800 cc.

What about the suspension?

Well, I didn't exactly get it. A modified McPherson strut system with gas

-charged Bilstein monotube dampers.

Huh.

Yeah, that's right.

Right.

You know what? I think you're just mad.

You're mad because a very attractive woman who smelled like flowers saw a man

that shared her interest in cars.

What she saw was a great big cartoon dollar sign with feet.

What's funny? She played you. Oh, I was in complete control, baby.

Sometimes when we argue, you say that you get a little frisky?

Well, I don't use that word.

But, yes.

I think it's happening to me right now.

Oh, I'm just so attracted to you.

Is that weird?

You're only here.

Evidently.

You know, honey, we're all alone in this house. I wouldn't say we use this time

creatively.

I just saw your old minivan. They haven't sold it yet. Great. All right.

just talk to Gretchen and get this thing over with. Okay. Hey, but just

remember, don't look directly at her or you'll get sucked into her beauty

vortex. Right.

What happens if she adjusts her bra strap or does something sexy like that?

yeah.

Okay, how about this? Whatever she does, I'll do the same and we'll cancel each

other out.

No, Andy, I know. Here she comes. Avert your eyes. Avert your eyes.

So, Jim, How are you doing with that convertible?

Well, Gretchen, it's a great car. I just think it might be, you know, a little

too small for me.

Oh, come on. A trim fit guy like you?

I do work out.

I don't think the convertible is really right for me because I have a wife and

three kids, and I just got to have that minivan back, Gretchen.

Well, I'm sorry, Jim, but I'm not authorized to do that. Is there, like,

owner here that I could speak to?

Yeah, Mike's here today. Oh, Mike, that's great. Mike's a guy's name.

That's great.

Why don't you get Mike out here?

Okay. Thank you.

Would you like a burger with those fries?

What? Oh, it's a thing on how sexy she walks.

No, the scene is, I'd like some fries with that shake.

Why do you have fries and a shake, no burger? That doesn't make any sense.

Andy, that's the scene. That's the scene. Fries, that shake.

I paged the owner, and he'll be right with you, all right? Thank you so much.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

You did it.

You overcame your weakness of flesh and emerged victorious.

And you split your pants picking up your keys.

Gretchen said you wanted to see me.

Want to buy a car?

Uh -huh.

One

purple.

No. Two purple.

Candy Castle! I can't believe it. You weren't into it. You're not hungry.

I'm hungry, coach.

You're always hungry. You're my... kind of guy thanks coach oh look at me i'm

mike dick good yeah i can yell at anyone i want because i coach the bears