Original subtitles

Here we go.

Happy first birthday, my son.

Now, this is a Sunday.

It's a Sunday, but don't be fooled by the name.

Because you can have it every day of the week.

That's right.

Make a wish.

Let me give you some advice. If you're going to wish for the chicken alias, not

going to happen.

Ready? Ready?

All for you, my son.

All for me, my son.

And when you're a little older, we're going to have beer with this.

Oh,

baby.

Yeah, that's right. Happy birthday, boy.

It's a little man workbench. You like that? Look at it. It's got a wrench and

screwdriver and a saw. You can be just like that.

Exposed butt cracks sold separately.

Somebody's been looking.

Ew.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't see you there.

Interesting. It's my birthday, too, yet you didn't see me.

You only see Kyle.

Look at that smug smile on his face.

Oh, he's probably pooping, Andy.

Oh.

Great. Hey, everybody, look at me. I'm pooping.

I try and make a joke, and he shows me up.

All right, Andy, what's going on? I don't know.

It's just now that Kyle and I have the same birthday, which is great.

Big fan.

Are we going to celebrate together every year?

No.

Someday you'll die.

I love Kyle. I guess I just don't want to share my birthday.

I'm trying to look at this as an adult, but it's just that I'm... Big baby.

You're the baby.

Andy won. Gracie's in.

How about this? Why don't we do something special for you? What would

I don't know.

Oh, come on. There must be something.

Dinner at the Rusty Schooner restaurant and an 8 .45 viewing of Rollerball at

the Cineplex and a treat. Surprise me. No coconut.

Rusty Schooner. Isn't that the place with the 72 -ounce steak?

Oh, Jim.

Jim, that's four and a half pounds of meat.

It's like trying to eat your own head.

Oh, and if you finish it, they give you the little metal pin that's shaped like

an anchor.

You know what? You go for the pin. I'm going for the challenge.

Man against meat.

So far, I'm undefeated.

Okay, it's time.

Hello. For my present for Kyle.

Oh, look at this, sweetie.

One custom -painted mural for your child's room from We World of Wonder.

Danny, this must have cost a fortune. Oh, don't worry about it. But, yeah, it

did. No.

It's sweet, but it's a little much.

Oh, come on, Cheryl. He's my boy. Oh, he's my boy.

I'm his auntie.

I know, I know, but you buy these expensive gifts for the girls. I'm

you're spoiling me.

Cheryl,

she wants to spend the money on the gift's letter.

Come on, birthdays are a big deal. Thank you, Jim.

You're welcome, Dana.

More cake?

Don't mind if I do. No, I mean I want you to get me some more cake.

All right.

Unless Cheryl thinks I'm spoiling you.

Oh, I'll get it.

She'll never get the right ice cream to cake ratio.

You know what I'm thinking about?

Oh, let me see.

Couldn't be that 72 -ounce steak at the Rusty Schooner, could it?

No.

I'm thinking about birthdays and, I don't know, passages of time, family,

you know, life just goes by in a blink.

All right, you got me. I was thinking about steak.

You took Dana's side.

I didn't take Dana's side. It's just how I felt.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for a good, sturdy pair of steak pants.

What?

Cheryl, I'm going to eat a 72 -ounce piece of meat.

I need a pair of pants that are up to the challenge.

Hey, where are those pants that I wear when I have my winter weight?

You ripped them when you were carrying your summer weight.

it with Dana. I keep asking her not to spend so much, but every birthday, every

holiday, it's $100, $200 gifts.

Look, if she's stupid enough to love her kids as much as we do, she deserves it.

Hey, remember last

Halloween I played MC Hammer? Where are those pants?

You made them into a tent for the kids.

Right. I mean, she does love her kids a lot. Hey, look, it's only money. Yeah.

Better yet, it's her money.

Okay. Would you do me a favor?

Would you pick up the check tomorrow at Andy's birthday dinner? It would help

even things out for me. All right.

But make sure the kids fill up on bread before they order.

Of course.

Hey, what do you think if I wear this robe to dinner?

Oh, I don't know, Jim. What if there's a breeze?

No, really. I could put an ascot on.

With you on my arm, everyone will think I'm half.

No, they won't.

You're right.

You're not twins.

But if you were... No, Jim. No, no.

a 72 -ounce landlubber.

Yep. And it's about to set sail.

Abast me, Hardy.

Requesting an official gold anchor pin.

Arrgh. We don't have pins. We have stickers.

Can we have one?

No, girl. No, it's a special sticker.

The only people who get these...

Well, let's either finish the steak or keep my pants on. What do you want me to

do?

Keep your pants on.

Oh, here, I'll take that.

No, no, no, no. Let me get the check.

I'm not Jim, really. He's my brother.

All right. You can't argue.

Yes, I can.

Andy, it's Cheryl's brother.

I'm married to Cheryl.

I'm going to take the check.

Whoa!

Somebody break something?

It's my pleasure.

Jim, please, I can afford this. So can I.

But this is not a problem for me. What, do you think it's a problem for me?

Well, I do make more money than you.

Give me the check.

was in my stomach.

Oh, can you blame it? You ate 72 ounces of meat.

No, Cheryl, I conquered 72 ounces of meat.

Can you believe Dana said that tonight?

She said, I make more money than you. Well, she does.

How do you know that?

Because I know what you make and I know what she makes. Do you really want to

know? No.

Yeah. No.

Jim.

She didn't mean anything.

nice. No, she wasn't. She was trying to rub it in my face like she does when she

buys those expensive gifts for the kids.

Wait a minute.

When I said something about those gifts, I believe you said, it's only money.

I say lots of things. I said I was going to have a Diet Coke tonight. What did I

have? Six beers.

There you go.

You are a hypocrite.

You change your mind all the time. You call it being a woman. I do it. I'm a

hypocrite? I'm sorry, honey.

You're a woman.

Well, this woman is going to go downstairs and sleep on the couch. Oh,

come on. Don't be mad.

Cheryl, I just ate four and a half pounds of meat. I'm sleeping on the

because I love you.

Drum roll, please.

Ta -da! Wow!

Lena, I love it!

Oh, look, look, it's Jack Spratt, 420 Blackwoods, Hey Diddle Diddle, a couple

rabbits falling down a hill. This is great. I'm really proud of how it turned

out. It is. What do you think, Jim?

No, I don't know. I mean, it's nice.

That spoon and that dish running off together, I mean, it's kind of

but...

beautiful. In fact, it's so beautiful, I kind of feel like we need to repaint

Kyle's room before we put it up there. I mean, don't you think?

Yes.

We'll paint Kyle's room. We'll paint their whole house.

I love gifts that make me do more work.

You know, maybe we should put it in the garage until the room is done. You know,

I think it'll be safer there.

Aunt Dana, can we have one for our room?

Please? No, girls. This is Aunt Dana's special gift for Kyle.

Then can we have a pony?

Please?

We'll see.

Girls, girls, don't go. asking Aunt Dana for stuff like that. You ask me. I'm

your father.

I'll get you what you want.

Can you get us a pony?

No.

I want it.

Girls, it's not that I don't have the money for a pony or enough money to take

people out to a steak dinner or whatever.

It's that the best gifts come from here.

Not from here.

From your butt?

No, from my wallet.

But what I'm trying to say, girls, is that the pony isn't important.

What's important is love.

You understand what I'm trying to say, girls?

made breakfast?

Well, today's kind of a special day. Why?

Sit down.

Okay. Come on, sit, sit, sit.

Cheryl,

I did something wonderful today.

Oh, my God.

What do you say that for? You don't even know what I'm going to say.

Well, honey, that's the last time you did something wonderful. I ended up with

60 rotting tires in the backyard.

Cheryl, Rubber Circle Fun Land was a great idea.

But this idea is better.

I got the girls a pony.

What?

Oh, tell me it's just for the day.

You bought a pony?

No, Cheryl.

We bought a pony.

I put your name on the card.

Oh.

What?

That's not a pony.

Not a pony donkey.

The girls aren't going to be able to tell the difference.

Besides, do you know how much a pony is?

Like $1 ,500.

I got this pony for a deal.

All right, stop calling it a pony.

How much was it?

$300.

Down from $500, he still kicks, you know. What?

I'm going to train him.

You are going to train a donkey?

Cheryl, come on. Doggies are very smart animals. It's the movies that make them

look stupid.

Besides, look at that. They threw in a bale of hay.

And it's Derby.

Well, he calms down. I'm going to put him on. I'm a little scared.

He's got a great personality.

And his name is Paul.

I'm not married to that name.

Speaking of being married to an ass.

That's funny. I'm going to use that.

There is no way you're keeping that donkey.

What are you talking about? Why not?

I'll walk him.

I'll take care of him.

Cheryl, the girls are really going to love him.

And you know what? I think you'd love Paul, too, if I put this little derby

Maybe a big pair of sunglasses.

Paul?

Oh, my God, Dana's mural is ruined.

All right, Cheryl, this is where the training starts.

Come on, help me rub his nose in it.

Nice going, Cheryl.

This will blow over, Paul.

Not my fault.

It was Paul's.

Paul.

You know what? You should have named him.

Donkey Hotey.

Don Quixote?

Man of La Mancha?

No?

Who? How about Mr. Applesauce?

Oh, she's so upset. You know, she was really proud of that mural.

Yeah, I know.

But you know what? In a way, it's kind of funny.

David spent $500 on a mural for her only nephew, and now it's ruined.

own a donkey.

How is that funny?

Well, I'd tell it better than that.

Oh, I think he's lonely. I'm going to keep him company.

Coming, Mr.

Applesauce!

His name is Paul.

Give him his dignity.

Hey, when Dana comes out of the bathroom, I think you really need to

her. Why?

I didn't kick the mural and pee on it.

Well, you got me there, Jim.

However, you did buy the donkey because you wanted to prove that you could spend

money, too, because you were threatened by the fact that my sister makes more

money than you.

What are you talking about?

There you go again.

Confusing the issue to take the blame off of yourself.

Me? What did I do?

You don't know?

a favor and pick up the check for Andy's dinner?

What does that have to do with a donkey in our garage?

Cheryl, if you can't draw a straight line from a steak dinner to a donkey in

garage, then I can't help you.

All right, you guys.

I think I'm just going to go home. I'll see you later. Bye -bye.

Go, go.

That donkey is an ass.

Cheryl gave me that.

She also, you know, put the mural in the garage.

But you know what? We're big enough. We can both forgive her. Jim, this isn't

about the mural.

You're threatened because a woman makes more money than you.

What is with you and Cheryl?

I am not threatened by women making more money than me. Come on, I know that.

I mean, there's Oprah.

There's Madonna.

There's that blonde lady who makes lampshades out of apples.

Martha Stewart?

Okay.

So then what is your problem?

I'll tell you what my problem is, Dana.

It's what you said the other night.

I make more money than you.

In front of my kids.

Dana, that's why they're coming up to you and asking you for stuff.

Instead of me, their father.

I'm the head of the family.

And when you said that, it just...

Cut me off at the meetings. All I wanted to do was pay for dinner.

David, that's fine.

But it's just the way you did it.

It made me feel about this big.

Wait a minute.

Are you saying that I hurt your feelings? No!

I'm just saying you make me feel bad inside.

Jim, of course you're the head of this family.

You take care of everybody. You even...

Take care of me and Andy.

Well, then I had no choice.

You guys were thrust at me.

All right, I see what happened.

You do? Yeah, I shouldn't have said that thing.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

I'm not going to stop buying stuff for your kids, though. No, no, I want you to

keep doing that. All right.

Actually, you know what they really want? I heard them talking.

What?

That DirecTV with the sports package?

Really?

Ruby has been chattering about it.

Something about international soccer.

So are we okay?

Yeah. Should we hug?

No. We're okay.

Listen, the mural? Yeah. I want to pay for it.

What?

Between a steak dinner and a donkey pony?

I'm just a little tapped out right now. Yeah, that's okay. I can afford it. I

make more money than you.

Oh, come on. I didn't stay in front of anyone.

I was this close to hugging you.

Hey, you guys, you've got to check this out.

needs to find a girlfriend.

I think you just did.