Original subtitles

Carol? Yeah?

I think Kyle needs you.

Oh, honey.

What he needs is to be changed. I know, but you do it so well.

All right, all right. But you need to help Ruby with her valentines, okay?

Okay, bye, Sneaky.

Don't eat all the candy hearts.

Mommy said don't eat them.

Mommy said don't eat all of them.

See?

Listening is important.

Watch this one here.

Look at that, two turtles kissing.

Shall you be mine?

That's clever.

Who's Brad?

Her boyfriend.

Shut up!

Give me that.

P .S.

My dad is the boogeyman, and he knows where you live.

Oh. Yippity -dippity -doo.

Oh, baby.

What are you guys doing?

We're mooses, and Daddy's a bear. Is he chasing you?

No, he's hibernating in his chair.

I see.

Sprint tire!

They're gone.

Oh, playing with these kids just wears you out.

I think I need a nap.

So I've been thinking about Valentine's Day. Oh, Valentine's Day. Come on,

honey, that is such a racket.

Created by women.

Like salads.

The ordering.

Cuddling.

Are you done?

Yeah.

I was thinking, maybe this year we should just stay in, order a pizza, and

a movie in our sweats.

I have never been more in love with you than I am right now.

What did you get me? Oh, I got you something really good.

All right, because it's going to be hard to top last year's smart mop.

Well, I won't be needing that blouse for Valentine's Day.

Richard flaked on me. Shut up, Jim.

Okay, I'll just save it for the next guy.

What happened?

Everything was going great, you know, but now that Valentine's Day is coming

I can't even get him on the phone.

Well, Dana, you know what that's about.

Cheryl, if I may.

Take it away, Professor.

When did you start dating him?

Right after New Year's. Okay, there's your problem right there. You see,

Christmas is the commitment cutoff. If you were dating him before Christmas,

Valentine's Day is a lock.

After Christmas, he has no legal obligation.

Also, you talk too much.

Okay, this bear is hitting the woods.

I still don't know what I want to get Jim for Valentine's Day. Do you have any

idea? been listening to me, I'm going to be alone for God's sake. Well, honey,

we already know your Valentine's Day is ruined.

Can we focus on me?

Okay. Let's see. What doesn't Jim have?

Oh, I know. How about opposable thumbs?

Dana, sometimes I think you forget he's my husband.

And that was very funny.

Oh, I know. You know, a friend of mine did something for her husband on his

birthday. It was very romantic and sexy and...

Oh, never mind. You'd never do it.

What? No, you'd never do it. Tell me.

Well, she got someone to take these boudoir photos. Oh, no!

Gregarious. Okay, class. Oh, Cheryl, I've so lost you.

You know what? I could be the kind of person who would take a sexy boudoir.

she naked?

No, no, no, no, no.

It was tasteful lingerie. It was soft focus. Very classy.

You know, that might be fun.

I am going to consider that. Okay, well, let me know when you're done

considering it because we both know there's a no coming.

For your information, there is a yes coming. Yes. You see? There it is.

I'm a nut.

I don't believe you.

Well, do you believe this?

Well, we have a couple days to work on it.

All right. In a red bag and everything.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Yeah, you got three emergency players.

Wow. And look, there's little crackers and cheese packing in case you get stuck

in a ravine. Oh, that's great.

Actually, let me take those now. I'll replace it later.

Okay, my turn, my turn, my turn, my turn. Cheryl, calm down. There's only

crackers.

No, no, I need my present.

You ready?

Open it, open it.

Well, it's not a home entertainment center.

Oh, I can't wait for you to see it.

Oh. You're too much, baby.

I want to marry it.

But I did.

I can't take my eyes off it.

Well, maybe you can take your eyes off of it for this.

You see what happens when you play in the black keys?

Yeah, man.

What got into you, huh? Little muse by the name of Kelly.

I met her on Valentine's Day. Now, I don't like to kiss and tell, but let's

say I kissed her.

And now I'm telling.

I will tell all.

So, what happened, huh?

I kissed her.

That's it.

Good story.

This is my first Valentine's Day without the ex -wife.

I thought I'd be very sad, you know, but I went out with this chick from work,

had a great time.

I didn't miss the ex -wife at all. Good for you.

How about you, Joe? What'd you do?

Went out with your ex -wife.

She doesn't miss you either.

Jim, you're kind of quiet. What'd you and Cheryl do? I'll tell you what they

did. They sat around the couch in ratty old sweatshirts covered in pizza sauce

and baby spit. That's what they did.

We all gotta know.

Did you fall asleep in the bathtub or the couch?

What?

All right. All right.

You want to see what ten years brings? I'll show you what ten years brings.

Look at that.

Wait. Oh, was that Cheryl?

Well, yes, it was. Really?

All right, take a long, long look at that, boys.

Lookie there.

That's my wife's face.

That's my wife's body.

And that parasol?

I think they gave that to her.

Beautiful, huh?

Stop doing that! That's my face!

What are you doing?

What's going on?

Just a little band wrestling, you know.

Give me that!

Okay, you're busy. Get in here!

I can't believe you showed this to them. This was only for you.

Oh. Okay, well, now I know.

No, now you don't know.

You never know. You are clueless.

So we're cool, right?

Right? You're an idiot.

Cheryl, Cheryl, you don't understand.

The guys were all bragging about how hot their Valentine's Day was and how we

were a boring couple, and I took umbrage with it.

You used it right. Thank you.

Trust me. I was defending your honor.

By showing half -naked pictures of me in the garage?

Yes, and it worked perfectly.

You were showing off.

So what? You show off all the time. You brag about it, you know, to your friends

when I get a big... or you'd tell the neighbors how good I am in bed?

I'm not telling them that.

Somebody is.

Jim, Jim, look at me.

See these?

Yes.

These are my divorce eyes.

You have no right to objectify me so you can look like a big man in front of

your friends.

Cheryl, I think you are overreacting.

Overreacting is painting the front door black because the Cubs lost.

They are going to win the World Series.

Jim, all I'm asking is that you never show that picture to anyone again.

Okay.

I will never show that picture to anyone ever again.

Okay? Thank you. You're welcome.

Well, where did you get a wallet -sized photo anyway?

Oh, Kinko's.

Are there any more?

Just this coffee mug.

Like it hot?

Yeah, guess you came up with that. It's cute.

Cheryl!

I'm keeping the key chain.

Kyle finally went down. Good.

So, what did you end up doing for Valentine's Day?

I went to Morton's alone.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, don't be.

My waiter was drop -dead gorgeous. He really clicked. We went out afterwards

talked for like two hours.

And then at the end of the night, he gave me a single red rose.

It was...

One of the most romantic Valentine's Days I've ever had.

Honey, I'm so happy for you.

When are you going to see him again?

Cheryl, he's a waiter.

Oh, my God. I have the same shoes as Gwyneth Paltrow.

Yeah, turn the page. Janet Reno has them, too.

Hey, Kenny. Hey, Cheryl.

Just wanted to drop off this camisole for Jim.

What?

Huh?

You said camisole.

Oh, it's a blueprint.

Oh, all right. I'll give these to him.

What?

Why are you looking at me like that?

What?

You saw that picture of me, didn't you?

No.

Look, I'm totally late. Love you. I mean, bye.

What was with him?

I have a pretty good idea.

Daddy, do you have any fives?

Lives?

Girl, can you go upstairs?

But we're playing with Daddy.

Look, I'm not saying there's a pony in your room, but I'm not saying there

isn't. A pony!

Yay!

That's a good one with the ponies.

Kenny from work was just here.

That's weird. He's been dead for two years.

Yeah, they're coming.

Oh, good.

Because of dead Kenny, own money.

Oh, I told him he could bring these by a Monday. Yeah, he's so sweet. I guess he

made a special trip so he could, you know, gawk at me.

Well, apparently in spite of our conversation, you've been showing my

the guys at work.

Cheryl, I did not show that picture to anybody else. I did not believe you.

You know, I've been waiting for this day.

The day that I can actually truthfully deny doing.

What you're mad at me about.

I did not show anybody else that picture.

Wow.

Honesty.

That feels... same.

All right.

I guess I believe you.

You guess? Well, you had to see that picture somewhere.

Hey, pervert, keep your eyes on your pants.

You know what I mean.

I told you, you can't block my window. Now take your coat and get out of here.

That scantily clad woman with the parasol is my sister.

Yeah, right.

Let me see.

You must be the owner of this smut shop, huh?

Yes, and it's a photography studio. That is my half -naked wife hanging in your

window next to a Dalmatian train conductor.

Oh, my God, that's adorable.

How'd I miss that?

Cheryl. Cheryl. Hi, Cheryl. Hey, Michelle.

Did you park in front of a meter? Don't worry, honey, I put your paper bag over

it.

Oh, that's...

Really big.

Yeah, well, you don't have to worry about it, honey.

Because it's coming down right now.

Really, I've gotten many compliments on it. It's been great for business.

Really? Oh, that is bull.

Don't listen to her, honey.

You remember that time we were in that barbecue restaurant and they took a

snapshot of me eating ribs? And then they put it up in the window?

Two weeks, bam, the place closed.

Well, Jim, it looked like you were eating a person.

It was embarrassing.

That thing is coming down. That is coming down. Oh, wait, wait a minute.

That people like the picture? Yeah, when I tell the moms you have three kids,

they sign right on.

So, Michelle, you're telling me that I'm like a poster girl for soccer moms?

Okay, that's it. You stay real with your brother. I'll handle this. All right,

I'm done with the charm, okay? You, you, keep moving, keep moving.

I'm the husband. I am the boss.

That photograph comes down.

All right, I don't want to cause any trouble. Michelle, leave it up.

What?

Cheryl, Michael Jordan is a role model.

You don't see him running around in his underpants?

Actually, he does do those commercials.

Are you a guy?

Yeah. Then help me here.

Okay. I can't believe that.

Half -naked photo of you hanging in this window in broad daylight in front of

this town to see for these coops and creeps. Go get that creep right there.

at him. He's staring at me.

You're killing me here.

Come on. You can't do this. It's just wrong, honey. And there's a million

reasons.

For example, like, first of all, like... Privacy?

Privacy is an issue, yes.

Intimacy?

There you have it. Interesting.

And?

And? And you probably shouldn't have shown that picture to the guys because

really private between a husband and wife. Wife.

Wife. Wife.

I know those are hard words to hear, but they needed to be said.

Yeah, well, you were kind of rough with me.

Come on, you're killing me.

I am serious.

Look, I didn't even go down on my knee when I proposed to you.

No, no, you certainly didn't kneel in gum.

I am really serious here. I'm begging you to take this photograph down.

If you don't, I'm going to park myself right in front of this photo shop 24

hours a day, seven days a week.

And then what's going to happen? I'm going to lose my job.

And then you know what?

It's going to be a public embarrassment for you and the children.

And then when somebody asks you who your husband is, you know what you're going

to have to say? Oh, he's the sneaky guy living in front of the Photoshop.

You know, the cute one with the gum on his knee.

Come on, baby.

Please.

All right, Michelle, take it down.

Oh, thank God.

How much is that doggie in the window?

$200. Oh, you saw me coming.

You scared me. That's not fair.

Oh, it's so fair.

All over this photo. Hey, hello, everybody.

Nobody's going to see it. Oh, man.

Hey, you know what? I think we've been off with a free frame.

Sweetheart, I want you to close your eyes.

Okay.

Okay.

You can open them.

I know you really love that emergency road kit I gave you.

And by the way, I'm going to replace the crackers.

But after you gave me such an amazing gift, I just felt I needed to do

more.

So I got you this.

Anybody you want.