Original subtitles

Good morning.

I think the kids are still sleeping.

What do you say we have a little breakfast in bed?

You smell so good.

Oh, hey, honey. I didn't know you were up.

How about cereal or eggs?

Uh, both.

Excuse me.

We didn't, uh... You know... Good!

Oh,

baby.

Hey, Ruby, I gotta tell you, that soccer game was great.

Wasn't it, Andy?

Oh, great.

Yeah, well, wasn't it great, Cheryl? The game was great.

Was I good?

Great!

Hey, let me ask you something, though, here, champ.

How come you hugged the other team's goalie after your team scored?

She looked sad.

Sweetie, why don't you go wash up for lunch?

That was so sweet. Yeah.

She sucks.

It's not about that. It's about her having fun and hanging out with her

That's what sports are all about.

That's what tea parties are all about.

Sports is about life. There's a winner, there's a loser, and at some point they

cut off the beer.

This is our daughter you're talking about. I know, and she really sucks.

I mean, come on, honey. The way she acts in that soccer field is the way she's

going to act the rest of her life. Oh, my God.

You mean she's going to go through, like, hugging people?

If we don't nip it in the bud.

Wow, what a soccer game.

Ruby, you were great. He's upstairs, Dana. Oh, okay. She sucks.

Hey, who was your date at the soccer game? He was so cute.

Cheryl, his name is Ted, and he's a client at our ad agency. He was way too

for you.

And I am dating him.

Well, good for you, Dana.

Tell me, what's it like eating dinner at four?

Does Viagra make a difference?

Come on, you guys.

Thank you, Cheryl.

And yes, it does.

Anyway, Ted thinks Ruby has the perfect look for this cookie we're doing, and

he'd really like to use her. You know, if it's all right with you guys. The

perfect look.

Oh, boy, does that take me back.

One size fits all.

Remember? I was eight years old when I did that commercial.

I had on snow pants and a derby.

Oh, come on, you guys. The guy says, regal snow pants, the snow pants for

Then I say, one size fits all.

It ran for like six months. You've got it. One size fits all.

What do you think, Cheryl?

Ruby's picture will be in the paper.

I don't know. I don't want Ruby to get the message that her value is based on

her look.

Oh, well, you had no problem entering me in the most handsome dad contest at

Ruby's school.

Yeah, that was a disaster, and I was wrong.

You know, Dean, I really don't think I want her to do it. You know, I got to

kind of go along with Cheryl in this one. It pays $1 ,500.

She'll do it. What?

Come on, Cheryl. All she has to do is eat cookie and smile.

Ruby will have fun, I'll score big points at work, and it'll make Ted very

happy. Yeah, and he only has so much time left.

Oh, I am so terrible.

Cheryl, come on.

Ruby has been leeching off us for six years.

I mean the nightlight alone.

Oh, all right, but the money goes right into her college fund, she doesn't miss

any school, and this is a one -time thing.

Absolutely.

How many people can say they actually have a model in the family?

Hello?

You ready?

Now, just look into the camera, dip the cookie into the milk, take a big bite,

and smile.

Good. Perfect.

Hi. Hi, Jim. I'm Ruby's father.

Where do I go to validate this?

Jim, you're right in Ruby's nightline. She's working.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry. You're the photographer?

Yeah. Let me ask you. Do I have a good neck?

Because... Some guy once told me that that'd be a good neck bond.

Maybe. Get these chins out of the way. Let's have a look. Hey.

You know, I have to tell you, your Ruby is a natural at this.

She's very photogenic.

Well, that's because of her big head. She gets that from me.

Have you thought about getting an agent?

Yeah, but, you know, I really don't want to do nudity.

But, uh, of course, every man has his price.

But you got a job in mind, or... I'm in for Ruby.

Ruby?

Because we must have seen 50 girls for this.

50?

You mean my Ruby beat out 49 other girls?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let me get this straight.

You're telling me that 49 girls lost to my Ruby.

Couldn't make the cut.

Wasn't good enough.

Yeah, but Tim, we try not to look at it like that. What? Yeah.

Did any of them cry?

Where's Kyle's belly?

Where's Kyle's belly?

Impressive. This is Ruby's aunt.

Oh. There it is. There it is.

There it is. Look at it. Look, it's great.

Look at that big old head, huh?

You know what? The photographer said she was a natural, that she could have a

career doing this. He thought she could get an agent.

Okay. Jim, this is exactly what I was afraid of. We agreed this was a one

thing. Oh, honey, that's what you said the first night we were together. You

don't stick to your guns.

Yes, I do. Do you see a one -man helicopter in the backyard?

That is not over.

I will fly.

You're so excited for her, honey.

I mean, you know, you see her struggling at soccer and like that, and then you

see her succeed at something like this.

I'm just proud of her.

I know you are.

And she had a great experience.

And now?

And now she goes back to being a normal kid, normal life, normal house.

It's over.

It's done. Thank you.

Hey, Jim, guess what?

Your meeting went great. Ruby's got an agent.

Oh, I wish I had that helicopter right now.

I can't believe you got Ruby an agent behind my back.

Honey, I had no choice.

You told me I couldn't do it.

I can see you do have some of the workouts on.

Get back here.

I just want you to know I came back because I wanted to, not because you

me.

Jim, we agreed this was going to be a one -time thing. Look, Cheryl, I don't

mean to support Jim because I don't, you know, like him.

Cheryl, I've been doing this for many years, and I'm telling you, Ruby was

great. And she loved it.

No, Jim, you loved it. Yes, I did love it.

You know why?

Because she had fun.

She was excited. She was getting a lot of praise. It was really good for her

confidence. And are we having cauliflower for dinner again? Yes.

That's a whole other discussion.

Ruby, Ruby, Ruby.

Look at your picture in the paper.

Wow, I look good.

Yeah.

Did you have fun eating all those cookies and having everybody love you?

Yes.

It's okay with me. You're going to have to ask your mother.

Can I, Mommy, please?

I guess we can try it for a bit.

was just uh relax jim i know you dance when i'm not home you know anything else

no i can't do this anymore sure you can what am i talking about i

don't know i have to spend an hour and a half with 30 screaming kids do you have

any idea what that's like honey i try not to put myself in those kinds of

situations taking movie these auditions is a nightmare

Come on, Cheryl. You knew how this business worked when you got us into it.

It's been a week, Jim. I've been running all around, dragging Gracie and Kyle

with me. I haven't gotten anything done around the house. And, you know, Ruby

hasn't gotten one job.

She didn't get this one either?

No.

It was this little girl with, oh, with the curliest red hair. She was so cute.

And, you know, her mother was telling me... Her mother?

Yeah.

Don't talk to the mothers. They're the enemy.

Me?

The enemy? She was nice.

Oh, boy, she saw you coming.

There was no agenda. We were just talking while Ruby played with her

girl. Played with her little girl? Yeah.

You can't have the children playing together. This isn't a social event,

This is a competition where there's one winner. Come on, Cheryl, you don't

see... The old boxers before a fight playing with Jackson juice boxes?

No, no, they talk trash and they beat the crap out of each other.

That's modeling.

I don't see it that way.

I don't think anybody does.

Well, you see, that's the problem right there. That's the problem.

That Ruby's just like you. She's a pushover.

I mean, what's going to happen with the rest of her life if she's going to have

tons of friends and no trophies?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

There's nothing wrong with being nice.

I can see I caught this just in time.

The kind competitor.

From now on, I, I will take

Ruby to the auditions. I will prepare her. I will get her competitive.

honey what was i thinking trying to raise a well -rounded loving human being

apology accepted

jim i'm gonna go on in

ahead of you and uh sign in okay in the ad

world signing in means i know what it means okay then i'm gonna go into the

waiting area

Okay, come here, baby.

Just a minute. Are you nervous?

No. Why are your hands cold?

You made me hold your slurpee.

Okay. All right, give me a smile.

Good, good.

Okay, now mad.

Now surprised.

Now incredibly surprised.

Now smile.

My face hurts, Daddy.

Everybody's face hurts, honey.

Now go in there and get that job.

One thing, one thing, one thing.

If it helps,

you're one -sixteenth Cherokee.

Whoa.

Excuse me, but weren't you the regal snow pants boy?

Yes! Yes, I was.

One size fits all.

I was the snowflake earmuff girl, remember?

Warm and toasty.

No, I'm sorry. I don't remember that.

Sure you do.

20 years ago.

Stopped living in the past.

This place is packed.

Don't let it throw you.

Scope the place out and there's only one kid in here that poses a real threat.

Right there.

Haley Michaels.

She's got an Adidas and a Lucky Charms spot running.

So, that's not good.

Actually, it's great.

She's worked too much. She's overexposed. No thank you.

So that's good.

Yeah, hard to say. She has a name. Get away.

Let me go mess with her head.

Hey. How you doing?

That's my daughter over there.

She's auditioning.

Yeah, mine too.

She's over there. Yeah, but you may recognize my daughter. She was in the

page of the Sunday Chicago Tribune in the food section eating a cookie.

You know, right next to the obituaries.

My daughter's done TV commercials.

Yeah, well, she's done TV commercials, too.

And movies.

Yeah, right. What movie?

It was called The Wiseass Father Who Got His Ass Kicked in the Parking Lot After

the Audition.

Yeah, is that the one where the wiseass father turns out to be an off -duty cop?

So we're cool?

Yeah.

And because Gia's looks were so perfect...

They ended up destroying her.

Hey, hey, sweetie. Did you have fun with Daddy?

It was great.

Uncle Andy got kicked out for making a girl cry.

Oh, honey, it was really great. You know what? I got a really great feeling

about this.

They just called. She didn't get it.

That didn't last long.

Probably because she's 116 Cherokee.

Jim, you didn't pull that out, did you?

You weren't so high and mighty about it when it got us a 3 % mortgage.

You know what? That's it.

Ruby is not doing this anymore. It's too much rejection for a 6 -year -old. Oh,

honey, come on. Everybody gets rejected. That's part of life.

That's a lesson they have to learn.

You know, I just want to, you know, toughen Ruby up a little bit. That's

you think she needs toughening up. Are you kidding, honey? She's a softie.

I mean, she's always the last in line for everything.

She always gets stuck with the broken crayons. And at Halloween, you know, she

actually turns in the money she collects for UNICEF.

Kids don't do that.

Just worry about her.

Oh, honey, everybody worries about their kids.

No, I don't worry about Gracie. She's like me. She's tough.

The other day, I actually saw her take a piece of meat out of the dog's mouth.

Honey, Ruby's not like Gracie.

Ruby's sensitive.

She's sweet.

She goes out of her way to help others. Yeah, like you.

Yeah, like me.

You know, you said that the other day. I mean, when did that become such a bad

thing?

It's not a bad thing.

Actually, it is a great thing.

I mean, I married that thing.

Yeah, all right.

Okay, I guess I'll go upstairs and tell her that you're going to come upstairs

and tell her that she didn't get the job.

Yeah.

All right, you're right.

I'll have her agent do it.

Gracie.

Come on. Go downstairs and play with the dog. And no biting.

Come on out, honey.

Hey, you know what?

I got a really funny joke for you.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. They didn't pick me.

How did you get there?

You told that joke when my girlfriend died and when I had to get a shot.

It's a bad joke.

Well, it's not one of my best, but... How come they never pick me anymore?

Um... Don't they like me?

Look, I don't know why they don't pick you, sweetie.

But I know it's not because they don't like you.

You know, I... You know what?

I wasn't really having fun with it anymore, you know?

I mean, yeah, it was kind of cool at first, the experience, but there was no

fun. I mean, were you having fun?

Were you? Huh?

So you know what?

Let's not do it anymore.

I mean, we don't have to, right?

We don't? No!

What you and I should be doing, we should be having fun. We should just

fun.

Right? I want to talk.

Sit still.

Come on, sit still. How am I going to talk to you if you're not sitting still?

Stay still.

Okay, come here.

Tell me, what do you think is fun? What do you want to do that's fun?

Soccer.

Really?

Yeah, but I'm not very good at it.

No kidding.

Well, what do you find fun about soccer?

After my team goes out for pizza.

Really? Wow, you are like me.

You want some pizza?

Let's go get some pizza. Wait a minute.

You know what goes good with pizza?

No, Daddy, no!

You know what goes good with pizza?

Body slam!

Body slam!

Playing soccer good can be fun. You just got to practice. Now, come on. Just

show me how you kick.

No, no. Honey.

Honey.

Let me show you.

Okay, kid. Good morning, sir. You want to kick it really hard like that.

You're right, Daddy. This is fun.

Not like that, honey.

Okay.

All right.

Now, try it.

Now, get behind. Get behind the ball.

That a girl. That a girl.

That's my girl.

You go to bed in five minutes. Just kill it. Come on, kill it. Not

just really give me a shot. Come on, give it to me, baby. Give it to me.