All language subtitles for According to Jim s01e10 An According To Jiminy Christmas

All right, we got the shepherd here, we
got the angel here, we got wise man,

wise man, and semi -sosa.

Jim, I think we really need to get
another wise man. Actually, I was

turning those two wise men in for a
clean -up and a closer.

Oh, this is impossible.

Two tangles. All right, let me see.

I can work with this.

Okay, come on, Snow Place. Let's go
outside.

Come on, girls.

Uh -huh.

Huh?

Ah.

What's that supposed to be?

Well, it's, uh... The Star of Bethlehem.

You can't just leave it like that.

Well, honey, then you can take a minute
and untangle.

Oh, baby.

This is your grandma when she was your
mommy's age.

And this is your daddy when he was your
mommy's age.

What's that on daddy's head?

Hair.

Hey, I got hair.

I just don't comb it forward anymore.

Pick it up. My mom's going to be here in
three hours. You still need to polish

all the cocktail forks.

You know, I recovered a game -winning
fumble in 79.

Swear to God.

Hello, everybody.

Hey, Cheryl, I need to change for the
Qantas Christmas party. Mind if I use

bathroom? Yeah, go ahead. Just don't use
the little towels. Or the toilet paper.

Or the toilet.

Look at you.

Wife cracking the whip, m 'lady.

Actually, a little later on, I'll stick
her on or wax my legs.

That hurts.

your mom just stay in a hotel like she
does every other time? Well, because,

know, the holidays are tough on her
since my dad, you know, left us.

Cheryl, my dad left us on a 30 -year
search for a pack of smokes.

Your dad died.

And, you know, come on, it's been two
years, Cheryl. It's okay to say the D

now. Whatever.

You know, my mom is coming. We're going
to make the best of it.

Now get back to polishing your silver.

This is not mine, because if it was my
silver, I'd be melting it down right

Oh, look, it's Mom and Dad's wedding
picture.

Oh, hey, see that pearl necklace Great
-Grandma Cheryl's wearing?

She gave it to my mom.

My mom is going to give it to me, and
when you grow up, I am going to give it

you.

How come not me?

Because you're the middle child, and the
middle child doesn't count.

Girls, did you clean your room?

Yes.

Girls, go clean your room.

I know.

Thank you, girls.

Ho, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas.

See you later, Andy.

My chestnuts are roasting in this thing.

I know.

Your mommy thinks I give you too many
presents, but I don't have to listen

to your mommy because I'm her mommy.

I really didn't have to do that. They're
going to get plenty of presents from

Santa.

Really? We're going to get lots of
presents?

Yeah, sure.

I want a dollhouse.

Yeah? Go tell that to Santa.

She just did.

And some for my girl.

More derbies!

Oh, Jim, nice fanning of the crackers
there.

I was sick. Time was running out. I was
on the goal line. Everybody cheered.

I hate this one.

Dana,

you look fantastic.

It's smart that you stay trim. Men like
that.

Really? Thank you, Mom, because I was
actually thinking of going another way,

but... But, you know, you really should
accentuate your bosom more. You have

such nice bosoms.

Am I right, Jim?

You know, I really don't know, Maggie.
I'm an ass man.

Oh, Gerald.

How do you hide your eyes with those
bangs?

Mom, everybody wears it this way now.

Well, if everybody jumped off a bridge,
would you do that too?

Today I would.

And there's my little Kyle.

Does my peanut want a peanut? Well, Mom,
he can't have a peanut. He could choke

or develop an allergy.

Oh, nonsense, honey. I used to give you
kids peanut butter all the time when you

were a baby.

A little smear around the nipple was the
only way to get Andy interested in the

breast.

gave us when you guys went to London.
You remember, Mom?

I'd love something cold to drink.

Okay,

Mom. What can I get you?

I'd love a glass of tomato juice.

Okay.

I'm just going to run to the store.

You don't have to do that.

No, no, Mom. It's okay. I have every
other juice. No, no. Tomato juice. No,

honey. It's all right.

You know, I don't want to be difficult
here. I'll just have some carrot juice.

Uh, Maggie, I'll tell you what.

How about you and I split a beer?

I'll take the inside.

Where do you come up with these things?
I've got a book in the bathroom.

I don't want to be difficult. I'll just
have some impossible juice.

Tomato juice? You have tomato juice?

I don't even have a tomato.

Well, according to Mom, you have very
nice tomatoes.

Anyway, that's why I'm no longer welcome
in Canada.

Oh, thank you. So, where am I sleeping?

Oh, I thought that the girls would sleep
in Kyle's room, and then you could

sleep in the girls' room.

Oh, the girls' room.

Or you could sleep in our room.

Or you could sleep in the girl's room.

No wonder Gracie's so damn grumpy all
the time.

Yeah, honey, that's where she gets it.

Do you know what my mother did tonight?

She washed the dishes.

Let's kill her.

No, no, like after I washed them. It is
so insulting.

It was so much easier when my dad was
here. He was such a great buffer.

I liked him.

Yeah. Hey, remember we used to go to
restaurants together?

And we would always wrestle for the
check until he took it?

Cheryl, that is a mark of a great man.

I don't know how I'm going to make it
through three days.

I have an idea that would keep your mind
off it.

Jim,

this is our children's room, and my
mother is right down the hall.

Oh, keep talking, keep talking, keep
talking.

She's going to ruin my Christmas.

I wish she'd stay in a hotel.

You know what?

How about if she stays here with the
kids and we go to a hotel?

You know, we can meet in the bar.

You could be Angelina Jolie.

And I could be... Well, if you're going
to be her, I'm going to be me.

Good night, Jim.

That was not me.

If I have six, I'm going to eat.

like sleeping on a cloud.

Who's the big raisin -eddy here?

Cheryl.

She did a beautiful job with the
bedroom, though.

Yeah, well, you know, at night, not a
hotel.

I mean, it doesn't have an honor bar,
you know.

And I mean, the toilets are clean, but
they're not sanitized for your

protection.

to get me to go to a hotel.

Well, Maggie, you know, I adore you.

And I just got to tell you that the
truth is it is a little crowded here

now and Cheryl and I were just talking.

Yeah. What?

Do you want me to go to a hotel?

Huh?

Well, I was just talking to your mother
about how we were discussing that maybe

it would be easier for everyone if she
just stayed at the hotel.

Is that true, Cheryl?

No, Mommy.

How could you bail on me like that?
Close the door.

How could you tell my mother to go to a
hotel?

Cheryl, I was just trying to help.

Besides...

Did you like it?

You are out of your mind.

Cheryl, you have to stand up to that
woman. I can't.

What, are you going to be ten years old
the rest of your life? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

Do you have any idea what you've done
here?

Me?

look at yourself and figure out what you
do that makes me ruin the holidays you

have a

chair

stuck to your butt i'll get it in the
morning

her presents for you yet. Well, since I
am leaving for Aunt Carolyn tomorrow, I

thought we'd do it now.

Ask Santa. You ask him.

Why are you still here?

It's Christmas Eve. You have to go.

In a little bit. Now cut it out. You're
starting to make me mad.

for sitting up.

I've got something to say.

This would be the time to do it.

Okay, then.

I guess everything's fine with
everybody.

Um... Look!

Cheryl's got something to say!

You know full well that necklace was
supposed to be mine!

Look, I would rather not discuss this
right now. Why?

Because... Because I am your mother. End
of discussion. No, no, it's because

you're punishing me.

It's going to take a while.

This is really hard.

Hey, Cheryl.

Boy, you sure took a long shower.

You just missed your mom.

It was almost like you didn't want to be
here when she left.

You ready for lunch?

Sure.

Come on.

It's 10 in the morning.

Want mail?

Both sides.

Sorry, you shouldn't have mail.

Then why did you ask me?

I wasn't thinking, all right?

Because you were thinking about your
mother.

Fine.

Cheryl, never make sandwiches out of
anger.

Look, Jim, I did... what you wanted me
to do. I told her how I felt. I know,

honey, and you did good.

You really did. You stood up to her.

But, you know, you had your little
tantrum and you stormed out.

You know, that's fun.

You know, everybody likes to do that.

But, you know, after you storm out,
honey, you have to come back.

You gotta finish it.

I can't.

Yeah, you can, honey.

You do it all the time with me. You
don't let me off the hook.

No, honey, I mean, I can't. She's gone.

Cheryl, your father is gone.

Your mother's at the airport.

All right, let's go.

I'll call Annie to watch the kids.

And you're never going to hear me say
this again.

Go put on some clothes.

There she is.

What do I say?

Well, you can start by saying, really
enjoyed you.

It was nice that you came.

The kids really enjoyed you. Jim prefers
cash at Christmas.

I'll figure it out.

Good luck.

Oh, thank you.

What are you doing?

It's a good luck kiss.

Honey, we haven't had sex for days.

Oh, honey, can I have a dollar for some
pop?

I'm surprised to see you here.

Yes, you're out here at Carolyn's? Yeah.

Yeah, you know, Mom, I'm sorry I said
those things. And I'm sorry I was there

when you left.

It's not what I came here to say.

Mom, I just... I didn't want you to
leave without us being okay.

I'm a grown -up. I'll get over it. No,
Mom, you won't.

You won't. You'll do exactly what I do.
You'll ignore it. And then next year

you'll come back and pretend
everything's fine and the same thing is

happen all over again. I'm not sure what
you want from me. Mom, I just want us

to get along.

I want us to be able to talk.

And I want to know why you gave that
pearl necklace to Dana. Is it because of

the hotel thing?

No, honey.

Although it doesn't mean that that
didn't hurt like a red hot poker going

through my heart.

Jim's idea, honest.

Look, I didn't say anything then
because...

Look, I wanted to give Dana the necklace
because she doesn't have someone in her

life to buy her nice things, you know,
to tell her that she's special.

Like you have Jim and like I had your
dad before he left.

He died.

He died, Mom.

You know, you really do have beautiful
eyes.

Thank you, Mom.

You have your father's love.

And I miss him.

I miss him too.

Can somebody please take this purse?

I mean, I know it matches and
everything, but you know.

Flight 63 now boarding.

That's me.

Well, we'll see you, Maggie.

Not if I see you first.

Hey, you've been reading my book in the
bathroom.

Bye, Cheryl. Oh, fine.

Bye, Maggie.

Goodbye. Merry Christmas.

Oh,

thank you for dragging me down here.

I was coming this way anyway.

So, how did it go?

Oh, great.

So great.

Turns out she gave the necklace to Dana
because she thinks she's a loser.

Merry Christmas, baby.