Original subtitles

Jim, would you please tell the girls to finish their cereal? We're running late

for school.

Girls, finish your cereal.

I don't like it.

Well, put some sugar on it.

Okay, you girls ready to go? Yeah!

Bye, Daddy!

Bye, Daddy! Bye, Daddy! Bye, Daddy! Bye, Daddy! Bye, Daddy! Bye, Daddy! Come on,

Dave.

Oh,

baby.

Geez, Jim, why don't you just buy a new one? What do they cost, like 80 bucks

now? Yeah, well, that's 80 bucks they're going to be collecting interest in the

kids' college fund.

Honey, you never started a college fund for the kids.

I'm waiting to see which one's the smart one.

Okay.

Better.

Dana, do you want to come to dinner on Saturday night? Our little brother is

bringing his new girlfriend. Oh, great.

When did Andy get a girlfriend?

He didn't tell you? What do you guys talk about at work?

Oh, stuff.

You know, like we found a thumb on a work site the other day? We still talk

about that.

Well, Andy is dating Ruby's piano instructor, Alicia.

When did Ruby start taking piano lessons?

Honey, where do you think she's been going every Saturday for the past month?

Out.

There.

You know, why are we peeing for piano lessons? I was going to teach her how to

play. Oh, yeah, like you were going to potty train her. Anybody can pee sitting

down.

Just wait till you see me with the boy.

No hands.

In the snow.

Writing his full name.

Now that takes lessons.

Do you mind if I bring somebody to dinner?

Really?

His name is Dr.

Josh Nelson. He's a cardiopulmonary surgeon.

A doctor?

Since when?

What, she didn't tell you?

What are you guys talking about on the phone?

You.

Really? Yeah, if you were shoes.

Anyway, I finally found a straight, single, successful man. A man with

And I don't mean how many donuts he can eat without throwing up.

17.

Alicia's teaching style is so unique.

I don't think of myself as a teacher.

I'm more about watching the child's natural talent evolve on its own.

So you're more like a $25 an hour babysitter.

He's kidding.

He'd love you. Honey, she just watches.

You know what? Actually, it's time for dinner. So why don't we have the grown

-ups in the dining room, kids in the kitchen.

I want to eat with the grown -ups. I know, sweetie. Just 14 more years.

Yay!

I think it's going to be a few minutes late, so I'll just go wait outside for

him. Dating a doctor.

Ruby is so talented.

Well, she probably gets it from me. I play the harmonica.

Oh.

Yeah, like in jail.

Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of hard to hide a piano during a strip search.

Alicia, why don't you sit over there, away from Jim?

So, I hope everyone brought their appetite because Cheryl cooked like half

cow.

Actually, I'm a lacto -vegetarian.

Oh, I thought you people killed yourselves because the spaceship was

Ouch.

No, we just don't eat meat or eggs. It's not a cult.

Well, you believe in God?

Of course I believe in her.

God is not a girl. How do you know? Because God is a boy's name.

Alicia, I don't want you to worry. Aunt told us you were a vegetarian, so the

girls and I made you a five -bean harvest loaf.

I think I'll have some of that, too. I've been a vegetarian for three weeks

and I've never felt better.

Really? So those five Slim Jims today, that didn't count?

More, please.

I'm sorry, honey. I fell off the wagon. But I've been clean now since 2... 4

.30.

Hi, everybody.

This is my date, Dr.

Josh Nelson.

Actually, Josh is fine. Okay, Dr.

Josh.

Excuse me.

Ooh, big accident on the Eisenhower. Looks like Mr. Louder's going to get his

heart after all.

Oh, well.

Guess I'm going to have to get used to this.

My apologies. It was really nice meeting you. Oh, yeah. Take care. Bye.

Oh, what do you think?

Guy's got wives all over the place.

Hey, do you guys want to come over tomorrow and watch the Bears game?

Oh, honey, please.

I mean, vegetarians don't sit around and watch football on Sunday.

They're probably out dancing around a pole, praying to a cabbage or something.

Actually, Jimbo, I'm a huge football fan.

Jimbo?

Honey, honey, look, there's some grizzle over there you missed. You might want

to grab it.

Hey, Jimbo, Alicia's from Wisconsin.

I'm a Packers fan.

In my house? Guess what's for dessert?

Andy's been watching the Packers games with me, and I think he's starting to

warm up to them.

I've just been checking them out, looking at a few brochures, you know,

what they're all about.

You're dead to me.

What?

What do they do now?

Alicia and Andy's first girlfriend since Carrie. And your behavior tonight was

embarrassing. You can only embarrass yourself.

And you should know.

What about you?

Interrupting me and giving me looks and stuffing bread in my mouth with no

butter?

If I didn't do that, you'd be... I'd be fine, honey. And you'd be out of a job.

Come on, I can take care of myself. I'm not Ruby or Grace. I know. They have

manners.

Do you know that Packer fan ate the centerpiece?

We all ate the centerpiece, Jim. It's called a salad.

Honey, she was a guest in our home, and now she thinks you're a big jerk.

I don't give a rat's ass what Andy's girlfriend thinks of me.

That's more important to you. You're the one that cares.

Everybody cares.

Everybody cares. You're so obsessed with this people liking you. Jim, when

you're rude, it reflects on me, and we both reflect on Andy.

Yeah, well, when you kick me, it reflects on you, and it hurts me.

All right, I hear you. You want me to back off?

Yeah, let's try that for a change.

Let's just let Jim be Jim.

Okay, honey, if that's what you want, you got it.

Fly, little meat -filled birdie, fly.

Hey guys. Hey Andy.

What's that bacon?

Sweet mother of God, that tastes good.

Hey, I thought you were a vegetarian now.

Alicia and I broke up last night. I'm taking it out on the animals.

Bears? Packers?

Bears. There you go.

Hey Ruby, enough with the twinkle twinkle. How about some Little Star?

Oh, Andy, I'm so sorry about you and Alicia. What happened?

She found a turkey leg in a baggie taped to the back of the toilet tank.

You know, like the gun in The Godfather.

As far as I'm concerned, Andy, you just dodged a big, fat five -bean bullet.

Oh, Jim, they just broke up. No, no, Dana, we're not doing that anymore.

What are we doing? We're going to just let Jim be Jim.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Oh, come on, Andy, be real.

I mean, Alicia was a controlling pain in the butt.

You know, looking for some schmo she can push around, you know? Am I right?

I guess. I mean, some little boy she can mold into some freak vegetarian packer

fan, right?

Yeah. I mean, you're not some she -god -loving little boy. You're a man.

Yeah. A meat -eating, bears -loving man. My name's Andy, and I love bacon.

Now, you see that show?

You see that? Will you stop censoring me? I can take a man whose spirit is

broken, whose heart is shattered, and make him not that way.

Okay, you see here, Curly, he's going to make breakfast for Larry and Mo.

But pay special attention to the pancake syrup.

It's really glue.

Mo is going to be really pissed.

Curly. No, thank you, James.

Goodbye, James.

What's with the James?

Uh -oh.

It's a formal guy.

He's mad at you.

What did I do?

Alicia and I have chosen to resume our relationship.

And in light of certain opinions you expressed about my lady, I no longer

at ease in your presence.

Oh, Andy, I was just trying to pump you up when you were down. No matter.

From this day forth, I shall work with you.

I shall be in the band with you, and I shall borrow money from you.

But that's it.

Andy, come on. Let's talk about this.

Cheryl, you're my sister, and I love you, but I just can't be here anymore.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick up some... tofu.

Good day to you, my lord.

Andy! I said good day!

I want you to know that he's on your mother's side of the family.

So Alicia takes us to this great kosher vegetarian restaurant called Soy Bay.

And Andy bets that he can stump the sitar player. So Dr. Josh picks Little

Corvette, which is funny because he drives a Lexus.

We love to love.

Oh, wait. Dr. Josh was there?

Barely. He was giving CPR to the maitre d'. You see, Jim, one of Andy's sisters

gets to go out with him and his girlfriend and share in his newfound

happiness. The other one is married to you.

Well, here's another way to look at it.

Where's the pretzels?

I'm sick of this. I've invited Andy and Alicia over three times this week, and

he keeps making lame excuses.

Oh, honey, who cares?

I do.

You see, this is what happens when I let Jim be Jim.

You know, honey, you don't have to say everything that comes into your mind.

Well, I'm holding something back right now.

Oh, honey, would you talk to Andy for me?

Why? I didn't do anything wrong.

Typical macho guy.

You know, I think deep down, little Jim is dying to communicate with little

Andy. You know, you and I have very different ideas of who little Jim is.

I got some pretzels.

Hey, is Andy coming or what? I don't know.

I insulted his woman.

Apparently, you don't do that now.

Ed, Joe, harmonica guy.

Sorry I'm late, but my overbearing, Packer -loving girlfriend had a flat.

Well, great.

You ready to play? I don't know.

Is there something you want to say to me?

Go to him, Jim.

You know? Sure.

Pretzel? Ah, thanks.

Okay. All right, let's get back to it. Oh, by the way, Alicia and you are

invited over to Sunday dinner. Ooh, not such a good idea.

Oh, come on, I'll be nice. Jim, you're not the problem.

Come on, he's always the problem.

What's the problem?

Cheryl. For some reason, Alicia doesn't like being around her.

My Cheryl?

Not me?

Cheryl? Now, Alicia told me this in confidence. Promise me you won't tell

Cheryl. I promise.

You're going to tell her, aren't you? Oh, yeah.

Alicia and Andy to come over for dinner on Sunday.

Fantastic! But they're not coming.

What did you do?

I didn't do anything.

It turns out I'm not the one she doesn't like.

Apparently, she doesn't like you.

What? Yep, not a fan.

Did Andy say why?

Nope, just doesn't like you.

Not her cup of tea. You rub her the wrong way. I throw it in her side. I did

And it's fine.

What do you want for dinner?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast.

First, I want to hear it.

Hear what?

I want to hear you say, Jim, you weren't the problem.

I, Cheryl, was the problem.

Not you, Jim.

I don't care what Alicia thinks about me. All that matters is that she likes

Andy. That's what's important here.

It is.

What?

Sometimes life tickles me.

No.

What? Oh, come on, Cheryl. You can't stand this. You're obsessed with being

liked. You've always been like that. I have.

hated you because she never saw you through her magic mirror.

Oh, she saw me.

This is just eating you up inside, isn't it?

No, it is not, you guys. I am fine with this.

Really.

I'm fine.

Really.

Well, she said it so many times.

She must be fine. Shut up!

What?

It's my kid. What do you care?

Oh, yay.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Where's Dr. Josh?

Oh, his grandma had chest pains and he went running. Coming, Granny.

This is Chip.

Oh. Chip works in the mail room at my office and he has all the time in the

world for me. He drives the Corolla.

Come on, there's this great bar I want to take you to on Rush Street. You're

right?

Oh, Ruby, you were so awesome. You were like a teeny -weeny white Ray Charles.

Thank you.

Music is a universal language, and it speaks to our soul, and we listen.

I hate piano. Can I quit?

Oh, you know, it's okay with me, but you know who loves piano?

Santa.

Daddy, can I have a cookie?

Oh, sure, baby. Why don't you both go get some cookies over there?

All right, and fill up your pockets. We pay two bucks a seat.

Oh, hey, there's Alicia. Why don't we go over there and tell her how good the

performance was?

Honey, no. No, not now. She's busy. She's talking to some other parents. Oh,

wonder why.

Oh, it's because she likes them.

Maybe she does. And I told you, I don't care.

I know, honey.

Alicia, come on over here.

I want to talk to you about the show. Oh, that recital was so great.

Well, Ruby's a wonderful student. She'll be even better when she kicks in with

those other fingers.

Well, she's a great teacher.

Oh, well, we've got an advanced class coming up. Why don't you like me?

Hey, look, an exit.

Alicia, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. And it's okay if you

me, really. I just kind of want to know, why don't you like me?

Not that it means anything to her.

I never said I didn't like you. I just said I didn't like being around you.

Splitting hairs here.

Why? What's wrong with me?

Be honest.

This is going to sound strange. It's just, you're so perfect.

Huh?

I mean, you're this perfect mom with this great house and these terrific

and you're pretty and smart, and here I am starting up a relationship with Andy,

and I feel like you're the standard I'm being held up to.

Let me get this straight. What you're really saying is you like me too much.

I guess I was just jealous.

Well... You do realize that I'm married to him?

Hey, how you doing?

You know, the truth is, I am so not perfect. I mean, what you saw was an

isolated little slice of my life. Right before you guys came, I was in ratty

sweats, having my daughter's dress with a stapler.

Thank you for telling me that. It's true. I feel a lot better.

Well, now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go ruin the rest of Andy's day.

I want to hear you say it.

Say what?

Say, you, Cheryl, are not the problem.

You, Cheryl, are in fact delightful.

Signed, Jim, the jackass.

I'm not signing that.

You know that every time a husband is wrong, an angel gets its wings.

Okay, honey.

You're perfect, and I'm the him, and what's she doing with him?

Oh, honey, don't worry.

Someday, somewhere, someone won't like me. Yeah, and the apes will rule the

planet. Blah, blah, blah. Come on, let's go.

How come everything always ends with apes ruling the planet? Well, all they

are their thumbs, honey.

Hey, speaking of thumbs, did I tell you I found one at work? Yes.