Original subtitles

Hey.

What are you doing?

Daddy said a bad word, so we're making him take a time out.

For a whole hour.

Oh, wow.

Sitting on the couch reading the paper.

That must be really hard for Daddy.

Well, you know, Cheryl, I kind of had it coming.

I mean, the one thing that would make it worse is... No, it's too horrible.

All right, I'll say it.

Please, girls.

Don't force chips and beer on me.

Chips and beer! Chips and beer!

No, not the cold ones in the back.

Chips!

Oh, baby.

Kids. I am so glad you're home. The girls are still sick and I've got to

I've been holding in all day.

Where was that bladder control when we drove to Wisconsin?

Where's Kyle?

On the washer.

Hit the spin click. It makes him sleepy.

Peek -a -boo.

Godspeed, John Glenn.

my little girl's doing, huh?

What's the matter, baby?

She's going to throw up.

Cheryl,

Grace is going to throw up.

Deal with it.

I'm not the throw -up person. I'm going to take out the trash guy.

You don't do that either.

Here you go, baby.

I remember doing this with your mother after an Aerosmith concert.

Well, nothing coming out.

Okay, I think it's a false alarm, honey.

There you go. Jim, would you clear off this table, please?

Honey, I just made dinner. I only have two hands.

And I only have one. Yeah? Well, whose fault is that?

Yours.

Who's going to sneak up on me in the shower?

I don't know. In the movies, the women love it.

Yeah, well, in the movies, it's Russell Crowe.

Oh, thank God, adult food.

Mommy, you promised you would read Madeline.

You said you would go with me.

No, me first.

Okay. Hey, girls, you know what? If you don't go upstairs and get in bed right

now, Santa won't come tonight.

You'll deal with it tomorrow.

I'm sorry.

It's just that it's been like this all day. They're thick and they're cranky

they're driving me nuts.

Well, I got two words for you, honey.

TV.

No. Come on, honey. Put a TV in their room and you won't hear a peep out of

them. Jim, we promised ourselves we would never do that.

We promised ourselves we wouldn't do a lot of things.

Like not go to bed mad or with other people or something like that.

Hey, guys.

Oh, you're eating.

That's okay. You can watch.

I have something to say, and I need you both to listen.

I'm in therapy.

Since when? For about a month, and I really feel like I'm getting acquainted

with the Andy deep inside.

Therapy, huh?

You mean like... Nice.

No, it's all right, Cheryl.

Dr. Gamble and I felt it'd be helpful if my two sisters joined me. Oh, Andy, I'd

love to, but the girls are still sick, so I'm kind of stuck here.

Well, maybe Jim could watch them. Oh.

What, you want me to babysit?

You do know it's not babysitting when they're your own kids.

You've been talking to that mom down the street, haven't you?

The fancy one with a job.

Well, I'm sorry, honey, but some of us just like to be the best parents we can

be.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think my baby's done.

Cheryl picked me up, dried the blood off my nose, and told me everything was

going to be all right.

You're fortunate to have such a wonderful, wonderful sister.

I don't know if I'm wonderful. Wonderful.

Hello, everyone.

Hi, I'm Dana.

Dana, you're late. You know, you could have called.

Well, maybe I was waiting outside, working up the courage to walk in that

and bare my soul.

Yeah, Cheryl.

What's in the bag?

New shoes.

Interesting, Dana, that you would stop to buy shoes knowing you'd be late.

Not really, once you get to know me.

Is it because you don't feel pretty on the inside?

It's okay, Dana.

I don't feel so pretty on the inside either.

I'm fine.

Before you came in, we were talking about the time you punched Andy in the

Which time?

My sixth birthday.

Mom promised me the flour on the cake, the big one.

You, you took it and only ate half of it and then gave the rest to the dog.

Then you punched me.

Your friends thought it was funny.

It was my flower, and you took it. How does it make you feel, Andy? I feel

violated and ignored and discarded.

I feel attacked and betrayed.

I'm fine.

Hey, beauty.

Hey.

What's going on? Where are the kids?

In their room.

Are they okay?

Oh, yeah. They're fine.

They've been up there all evening.

Haven't heard a peep out of them.

How was Dr.

Bookabooka?

Well, I'm fine.

And Andy's really open up. He even cries.

Oh, big deal. I make Andy cry every day at work.

For $150 an hour, I make him crap his pants.

Mmm. Mmm.

It's good.

You like it? Yeah. Good, because we've got a three -gallon box in the kitchen.

Wow.

It's nice, huh?

Would you listen to that?

I don't hear any kids whining or fighting or yelling.

You put the TV in their room.

Uh -huh. And I got a bunch of stuff finished.

Like what?

Peanuts.

Jim, we said no TV in their room. I know, I know, honey, but it's just why

they're sick and cranky and living at home.

Come on, David.

Come on.

You know, you smell so good.

Did you have fries on the way home?

Oh, okay.

It's okay, but only until they're better.

Absolutely. Okay.

Cheryl, come to the dark side.

Oh, I'm so relaxed. It's starting to worry me.

Yeah.

I'm starting to remember what it was like before we had kids.

You mean back when we could both fit in the tub?

Yeah, you really let yourself go.

Ew, look.

Why do you always think I want to see that?

Can we get the Ben and Hill collection?

It's next door in the store.

All right, that is it.

Girls, I'll work on it. I'll work on it.

Jim,

Ruby's been back at school for three days. No more TV in their room.

Oh, come on, Cheryl. Look at our lives. We're living like movie stars.

Jim, they're eating. Chips and chocolate and drinking sodas and veg. I don't

know if they're brushing their teeth anymore.

Honey, they're not going to keep those teeth anyway.

This whole thing is spinning out of control. We have to draw the line

and I am drawing it at television.

Since when do you get to draw the line?

Because I am the throw -up person, and the throw -up person gets to draw the

line.

What about the take -out -the -trash guy?

You don't get to be the take -out -the -trash guy unless you actually take out

the trash.

That's not my understanding of the title.

Look, Jim, we agreed on certain things when we became a family. Like we'd

eat dinner together.

Yes, even when I've already eaten.

And I would stay home to raise the kids.

And then I would let you.

And we'd always wear seatbelts.

Absolutely.

And you would give up riding your motorcycle.

If you don't have the belts on, the car's not going.

Jim? Yes?

Have you been riding your motorcycle?

A little.

Oh, a little!

You promised me you'd never ride that thing!

I don't recall any such promise or discussion thereof.

June 27th, 1995, the night Ruby was born. You sat next to my hospital bed

tears in your eyes, and you promised me you would never, ever ride that thing

ever again.

Touche.

Girls, you watch Little Mermaid one more time, she'll die.

Did you hear that?

I think it's raining candy outside.

Don't get it, don't get it.

We really should have them tested.

Well, here's the TV. It's not in the kids' room anymore.

Just like we decided, you and me, together.

Us.

No, don't give me that.

Honey, get off my back here, okay? I'm not going to sell that bike.

No. No, I'm serious. I'm not going to get rid of it.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Well, just let me finish, all right?

I'm a guy.

I got two feet, and I'm putting one down now.

Come on.

Honey, you think the Lone Ranger would sell Trigger?

You're messing with my mind, Cheryl.

Now, listen.

Honey, I've been driving that bike since 1984.

I mean, it means so much to me. It means it's as much a part of my life as a

washer and dryer is to you.

It took me to kindergarten, and when I got into the room, I realized it wasn't

really under. Day?

Dana, why are you reading while Andy's sharing his feelings? Because no one in

my building gets this magazine.

Andy, how does that make you feel?

Makes me a little, you know, mad.

Well, tell Dana.

Dana, please put down the magazine.

You heard me. You're a mean, self -centered jerk.

Jeez, Andy.

Very,

very good. Okay, you guys ready?

Here's another one.

And this is how I walk.

Stampede! Stampede!

Okay, Cheryl, it's done. The bike is up on its stand. I drained the gas and the

oil, and I covered her up.

The only problem is I just can't find the keys.

Oh.

All right, here's the keys.

Oh,

honey, thank you.

I know how hard that was for you, and I really appreciate it. All right.

have one look i'm a daddy and this is how i walk oh very good

oh very funny i don't do

that i do other things too all right all right all right all right let's do look

i'm a mommy this is how i walk oh that's sweet

What's this, honey?

I'm mommy smoking a cigarette.

You are?

Look, I'm a hypocrite. Smokey, smokey, smoke.

Cheese, please.

You girls play good.

know that you know that smoking is bad and what mommy did was wrong right well

mommy is not very proud of herself why because sometimes mommies do

things that aren't very smart and sometimes

daddies do things that aren't very smart why because they have the emotional

maturity of a six -year -old

No offense.

You know how you love jawbreakers?

Yeah, but you know they're not good for you because they can break your teeth.

And even though we told you you couldn't have them anymore, we found that one

under your pillow.

That wasn't mine.

Okay,

Ruby.

Do you know who really hates smoking?

The Surgeon General.

Who?

Santa.

Leave it to me.

Hey, Cheryl.

You know, I wanted to ask you that smoked ham we had last night.

Was it regular ham when you bought it?

You know, sweetie, I can quit smoking.

But you'll always be an ass.

Jeez, you spoke with that mouth?

Not anymore.

I am done.

Good. Yeah.

How about you?

I don't smoke.

The bike?

Yeah.

Honey, you fell in love with the guy who rode a motorcycle.

You thought he was sexy.

Yeah, well, now I think it's sexy when you come home in one piece.

All right.

All right, here's the deal.

I won't ride the bike anymore, but I'm not going to sell it either.

Occasionally, I'll go in the garage and sit on it.

And go vroom, vroom.

That is none of your business.

Hey, wait a minute. What if there's a special occasion where, you know, you

to ride a motorcycle?

Like what?

You know, like a neighborhood parade.

I don't have a neighborhood parade.

I know, but someone might start one.

You know what? If we have a neighborhood parade, then you can ride your bike,

and I'll sit on the back smoking.

It'll be our little float.

Honey, do you think we have too many rules?

I don't know, baby. What do you think?

Well, I don't want our girls to grow up thinking that they can't express

themselves. You know, that it's not okay to break a rule every once in a while.

Oh, I think they're going to be just fine, Ben.

We weren't sure if you were coming.

I wasn't either.

Andy, I don't know if things are going to be any different, but you may... me

want to be a better sister.

Shut up.

You had me at I wasn't either.

I got you a cake with a flower on it.

Oh, Dana.

It was never really about the flowers. Just me needing you to accept me for who

I am. That's all.

Well, I thought about some of the things you said, and if you need me to change,

I'm willing to make the effort.

Thanks, Dana.

Where's the flower?

I ate it!

What? You ate the flower? You did it again?