Original subtitles

Ah,

Captain Bytham.

Live long and prosper. I absolutely will not.

Okay, okay.

Halloween is totally banned in this hospital. We had a very near legal myth

year with a so -called Dr. Freddy Krueger and a very traumatized child.

No, no, no, no, no, they're glued on.

Excellent.

Very funny, isn't it? I had a little spot thing going on because somebody

me that...

Creative Costumery was actively encouraged in this hospital during

These bloody nails, man. We just thought it might be a fun way to perk up your

first night shift.

Nothing wrong with a little light workplace bullying, sir.

Really? I think you'll find that Hospital Regulation 7 -3B... Is

You're late.

You're needed down in the morgue now.

Ricky, the morgue porter, inhaled too much embalming fluid and landed himself

intensive care.

No, no, I can deal with the costume thing, but there's absolutely no way

I'm spending my first night shift in the morgue.

Hello, sweetie pie.

Careful, mind the guts on the floor.

Oh, sorry.

They get everywhere once you cut open the abdomen. Spill out like a fire hose.

OK, deep breath. If it tastes salt, aim for the bucket.

I'll get this sword lost.

Seriously? Seriously.

A bona fide serial killer, called it my thought is.

Shouldn't he be in a prison hospital far away from us? Nope. All prisoners in

custody have the right to medical treatment by the NHS. I think he had a

attack.

That's Graham Post, the second son of infamous 1960 serial killer, the

His dad is the current British serial killing record holder.

Sixteen... confirmed murders in the Greater Pontefract area.

Did they only put that nickname because his surname was Post?

Yes! And the Yorkshire River was already taken.

The Postman's my absolute fave. I've got all the books about him. Only one

person ever survived an encounter with him. She said he practically hypnotised

her. She was utterly powerless and has finished the game, and now he has

inherited the gift.

Like a less creepy Derren Brown, I suppose.

Do you think he'd sign a photo as Dad for me?

really looks the part, doesn't he? What else are you meant to do with your life

when you look like that?

Child catcher?

Is that a real job?

I've got to run. I've mislaid a small patient.

But keep me updated on anything exciting he says, okay?

Where'd you get those from?

Some kid in A &E who wouldn't share.

Ah, ah, what?

Give that leg eye a diamond. It's something else to try.

A place wouldn't go in this terror.

Don't think you said please to me once in our entire marriage.

Well, let me fix that.

Please go shove everything in this morgue up your arse, Harry.

Oh, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't think anyone needs to shove anything up anybody's arse.

Maybe we should have a bit of respect around, you know, the corpse's leg I'm

holding incredibly close to my face. Sorry.

You're disgusting sometimes, Janice. I just think you could be a little bit

polite to our attractive young guest.

Is this still about your fucking sister?

She was standing on... on that doorstep for 45 minutes, Terry. You know her

tinnitus makes her dizzy.

She could have passed out.

Is there anything I need to do over there?

She could have rung the doorbell.

What have I just said about her tinnitus?

We finally get some new blood in here and you really apologise to Simon. I'm

terribly sorry, Simon.

I'm sorry my wife was such a stupid, rancid hag.

You just suck the life out of me, Terry.

She left you when you killed Angus.

What? Our gerbil. Right.

Do you know what? I don't need this.

You know, maybe we could get you a new job. I am sick to the back teeth of you

and your hag ways.

I'm off.

Fine.

Fine by me.

What are you doing?

Lucy asked for a blood test kit.

Blood kit's here!

No, wait.

What?

I know your dad never actually admitted to the Apostle's Way disemboweling, but

it really did seem like his signature. Did he ever mention it to you?

No.

So, where do you want this?

That, just like, over there.

So how did he select his victim?

Was it looks or personality?

Fair hair?

Brunettes? People who say strawberry blondes when they mean ginger because I

would actually kill them.

I just see someone I dare fancy to and decide I want to kill them.

Sorry, I think my wife has just found out about my second family.

Oh, of course. You take that call. Good luck.

So, can I just... I'm cold.

I'll get you another blanket. Nothing's too much bother for you, Mr Pope.

What? No, I'll be one minute, Max. I'm just going to get a fluffy one.

What's your name, love?

Leslie. She just said your name were Frankie.

Why did you even ask that?

What do you do, Frankie?

I'm a porter.

And my dad is really, really hard to defy.

Sit.

Talk to us.

So, what's it like?

Murdering? What do you think it'll be like, Frankie?

I've actually never considered it. Have you seen a dead body?

Skin as lifeless as wax.

Like a life -size action man.

Something beautiful in their stillness.

A soul finally at peace.

Thanks to yours truly.

I'm a porter, pal. Yesterday I set up a dead body to look like it was playing

cards just to shit up Simon.

Are you scared of me, Frankie?

No. Then look at me.

Properly.

You're going to help me now, Frankie.

No. Yes, you are.

You're going to be good, aren't you?

Just like you used to be when your dad were alive.

Always helped out your dad, didn't you?

How did you...

That's because you're a good girl.

Now be a real good girl and reach into the left -hand pocket of that jacket on

the back of your chair.

They'll conceal a key.

Take it out.

See you later, Frankie.

So, when you decided to release

the prisoner... I didn't. I'd never.

It was one of your lot who left the key in the room with him. But you were meant

to be watching him. See, what I don't understand is how you could manage to

someone in quite a small room.

I'm a porter, not a security guard.

We mainly do wheeling. OK, then.

If he got the key himself whilst chained to the bed... How did he manage that?

He kind of... ..hypnotised me.

What, and he just asked you to unlock him and you did?

It wasn't like that! It was like he had his big...

Weird, creepy hands around my brain.

I'm sorry, I don't think that's possible.

I think she might have been employing a metaphor there, big lad.

Great. Well, we now have the exciting task of tracking down a dangerous

in a hospital full of sick people.

You can get back to your... wheeling.

Don't worry.

Probably just get a tag and a bit of community.

Unless he kills someone else.

And the sky's the limit.

All right, team. This is what we've been in training for.

Finally, the day has come.

We are on lockdown.

Let me see them.

Mm -hmm.

All right.

Okay. Uh -huh.

What about if I need to work?

Okay.

Same for a poo?

Well, no, not right now. No, I'm just thinking ahead.

OK, thank you.

Everything all right?

Um, yeah, it's nothing.

There's just an escaped prisoner on the loose in the hospital.

What?

Yeah, apparently it's some kind of frenzied serial killer. You don't need a

do you?

No, well, what?

They've said we can't leave this room under any circumstances.

So I vote with number one in the thick bucket and avoid the other altogether,

OK? OK, we should probably lock the door. And we'll both have to look after

other emotionally.

OK, Beth, achieve that by locking the door. One of us is going to have to be

strong one.

Fine then.

I hope they catch him quickly.

I'm sure they will. They're certain.

They're very confident in general.

As if today wasn't bad enough.

Do you want to talk about it?

I'm just so lonely in this marriage.

Oh. It was love at first sight, me main terror, when I saw those big, strong

hands ditch up a nasal cavity.

Anyway, spark gone for us now.

Just pick her.

I don't know what to do.

Love is hard.

It's hard for everyone, you know. Surely you could have anyone you want. I mean,

look at you.

You're an Adonis in a navy shoe, eh?

I love you, Ria.

Right.

So unusual.

Right. They're so long and they're elegant.

Have you ever made love in a mortuary?

What? What was that?

What the bloody

hell is going on here?

Well, what do you expect, Terry?

You storm up and leave me here alone with a hot porter?

I'm only human.

This is a massive misunderstanding, so... Quiet, perm boy.

Janice, I'll be taking Michelle and my beehives and moving out first thing in

the morning.

You can't just move beehives.

The pair of you have ruined my life, genuinely.

And you, if I ever see you again, I'll fucking kill you.

All right, listen up.

We've identified the suspect at an external location.

Where is he?

He's been spotted at the 24 -hour Tesco.

He's definitely left the hospital?

Yes. He's out there endangering the general public.

Have we? But we still have to be on lockdown, though, right?

No, he's gone.

Step aside, please.

Right, panic over. Feel free to go about your business.

I'm so sorry.

What if he does?

Kill someone, I mean. It'll be all my fault.

Technically, yeah.

And that's a hell of a burden to carry, let me tell you.

Oh, you're telling me you've killed someone?

I don't know what to talk about.

OK, sure.

I was a sniper.

Basra. Do you know what they used to call me?

Was it, hey, you, what are you doing here? You're not in the army.

Deadshot Delamere.

Because I never missed.

Bullshit. OK.

I missed once.

Desert Sirocco.

Affected destructory.

Could you shut up? So, yeah, it might be your fault.

Lots of people suggestible.

Hill. Porter's come in.

Denim at receiving.

Porter needed in maternity.

We'll go.

Maternity near to Porter.

I'll go.

Better than sitting here listening to this bollocks.

You're very sexy when you post.

Terry, yeah, Terry is out there. Probably getting attacked right now by

escaped serial killer. He'll just... Terry can look after himself.

Janice, please, pull yourself together.

Are you part gobbling?

Please, that's fake!

Ah, that's fake!

Portable maternity.

He's here.

Excuse me, love, we're busy.

He's here. Graham Post. The prisoner, he's here. I just saw him downstairs. As

much as I would love that to be true, he's definitely at Tesco.

The police have him surrounded right now. Oh, no, but listen, he... Clearly

you're embarrassed, as you should be, because you've done something very

embarrassing, but we'd really appreciate if you'd just sort of, you know, pipe

down. But... If you'll excuse me.

I told the police. They don't believe me.

And so your plan is to do some DIY?

It's my fault that he's out there, so I've got to be the one to bring him

Yeah.

Because it's personal, right?

He shouldn't have messed with you. Damn right.

Fuck yeah.

I'll help you.

You sure?

Let's deliver this mother fucking postman on a plate.

What's the plan?

First...

She's bumped over in a moment.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on

kittens.

If I ever see you again, I'll fucking kill you.

You're Julie Andrews.

And you make mad costumes out of curtains.

Go.

Damn, he's elusive.

We only started four minutes ago.

Maybe we should split up.

Of course.

Cover twice the ground. Why didn't I think of that?

No, can't see any downside in the splitting up. Okay, you go left, I go

And if you see him, call him.

We don't tackle him alone.

Roger that.

When the dog bites out.

When the bee stings. No.

When I'm feeling sad.

Ah!

I heard you've been a real dirty dog.

What?

Is it true?

No. I see you didn't ravage Janice in the morgue. What? Everyone's talking

it. You wouldn't sweat lovers now. How could you possibly... No.

If anything, I was the one who was ravaged, and there was some very bad

language... I think I'm serious, Simon. Do you have any idea what Terry did to

the last person who touched Janice?

Sorry, it wasn't rhetorical.

Er, no.

He went after them with an axe!

He killed them.

Oh, no, no.

She's lost an arm.

Temporarily. Then Mr. Pardee set it back on and they decided not to press

charges, so actually it was fine.

Anyway, shouldn't you be hiding?

Oh, my God.

Try the incinerator room.

He'll never find you there.

Definitely.

Casually wait for everything to go back to normal.

Stuff to blow over.

Blimey, everybody's very jumpy tonight.

Lucy, you need to get out of here.

Graham Post is loose in the hospital. Really? He's back here? No, I heard he

at the home stretch.

No, no, no, I saw him. He never left.

And me and I are going to hunt him down.

Ah, amazing.

Room for a little one.

No, I don't think you should... Hey, you need me. I'm like your expert.

I'm in his head. I know how he thinks and feels.

Perhaps I'm too close. Who knows?

No, you need a weapon.

Standard nursing issue.

Let's go.

I don't think he's here.

Oh, radiotherapy.

Okay. Au revoir.

Terry, don't.

I'll do anything. I've got so much left to do. I've never seen The Wire.

Has there ever been to Ikea?

My kissing technique is like, why are you laughing?

What?

Your face!

You can pull your kicks off now, Simon.

What is the point of this?

It's just any time anyone new starts working with us, we prank them.

We love it.

tell you about the act?

You don't want me to come down here and hide? Oh, your face.

Oh, sorry, lad.

Trick or treat.

He meant to give me the choice first.

It's a bit of fun for me in the meetings.

And again, we get one to be a flirt in my land.

Well, that act looks pretty good on you as well, eh?

Thanks, man.

Come here.

I want to see what makes you tick, Frankie.

You've clearly got guts coming to find me.

I thought I'd take a look inside to see them.

What do you think this is for?

Could be dangerous in the wrong hands. Why don't you tell me about your

dad? Yeah, the original postman.

Is this a clumsy attempt to dive into my psychopathology to distract me from

dissecting you?

No, no.

Oh.

Okay. What do you want to know?

Well, it can't have been easy with him getting arrested. A real shock.

That it were.

I remember it were a Sunday.

Cold day.

Roast beef and dripping.

Proper Yorkshire's.

Our mothers were so fluffy and light.

We were waiting for him.

Dinner's getting cold, Mother said.

Half of them will have to start without him.

And then we heard the door.

The police?

Reporters from the Evening Post.

He'd just been arrested.

All I'd ever wanted to do was make him proud.

I worked hard at school.

I played league because he wanted it. I got into fights.

I learned how to really hurt someone.

Oh, man!

He's here!

He's here, he's here! He's got French issues in real danger!

As I told you, the police have this in hand now.

Last we heard, they were staking out Nando's.

The book was strong.

I still wanted to make him proud.

Carry on his work.

I wanted to become him. The sequel.

Postman 2.

Son of Postman. And sequels are always bigger and bloodier.

Is that why you brought me to the operating theatre?

Roger that.

We've got an occasion.

You think you're clever, don't you? Not really. I fell just the other day.

Don't kill me.

Give me one reason why I shouldn't. Well, it's like a really horrible thing

do. Stand down for Nando.

He's at the hospital.

He'll bring us back a butterfly chicken.

And I'm a young and a really cool, glad, funny, and a bit of a quaker.

You really pissed me off now. In fact, I'm really going to go to town.

Let's have a little party.

Oh, please, go, go, go, go, go.

Oh, you've dropped a bollock there, lads.

This supposed to be?

He'll kill you.

What is it? Is it another trick or treat? Is it the shining on an NHS

Who's this?

It's very funny.

Sorry, the gig's up. The Grimm's already spilled the bean. It's hilarious.

This is Graham Post.

Son of a... It's a postman.

That's shit.

You're going to have to come up with a better name than that.

Two for the price of one, isn't it?

I've always loved to bargain.

Did you write this? It's appalling, Frankie.

Simon! If you don't get out of this room right now, I'll skin you like my

grandma's cat.

Did you hire a semi -professional actor to do this? I don't know what you're on

about! You know, my sister was in Amateur Dramatics. I think I know what a

knife looks like. That is a fake knife.

I mean, no expense spared, but still.

All right, fine, it wasn't my sister, it was me. But I'll tell you one thing,

I'll play along.

Don't say I haven't warned you.

Yeah!

Yeah, I knocked him out.

Do you know why? Because pranks are extremely irresponsible and people can

hurt. I really thought that was going to be made out of bulk, I would.

Did you cut me off, dear? Yeah, sorry.

What have we learnt here?

I'd say, number one, when hunting serial killers, don't ever split up.

Yeah, the seagulls are always worse than the originals. He was slightly shit, I

mean, if you can disarm him. I actually felt a bit sorry for him. He's only

trying to impress his dad.

How hilarious!

He has been giving me the runaround tonight.

Why is he dressed like that? Well, why wouldn't he be? He looks sick.

He had a very bad asthma attack at school the flag day. Such a little

sweetheart. Yeah.

I'll just paddle.

Looks like they want to talk to the hero of the hour.

I honestly can't face it, can you? Oh, absolutely not, mate.

Greetings!

Anthony de la Mer.

Psycho killer.

Hello. Qu 'est -ce que c 'est?

Qu 'est -ce que c 'est? The new and exclusive series of Porters continues

tomorrow at 10. And Simon has a run -in with a medical robot, which doesn't end

well for the robot.

But if you can't wait till then, the whole series is available at our on

service, UK TV Play.

Next up, have a good bit more news for you.