Original subtitles

98 to go.

Why did he even go into theatre? He looks so fit.

700 charity marathons, 43 extreme triathlons. Last year, he'd run the

the River Tweed. All for mental health.

Or maybe just for the attention.

Simon, please do not talk that way about Hutch. I think he's a saint.

And all the Facebook -liking, just -giving idiots in the hospital seem to

him. Apparently, replacing all the joints he ruined himself is the least

can do. Wasn't he doing theatre an hour ago?

Oh, yeah, Tillman sponsored him to do crunches.

99 to go.

This guy's like he goes, the sky's the limit.

High five.

Now, let's get these shitty hips replaced.

Are you still keen on becoming a doctor? I mean, there's a vacancy just come up

in cardiology. Really, I'd be very interested in that. Christ, no.

You really are an idiot, aren't you?

Poor Simon.

Well, I don't think you're an idiot.

Well, but then I'm not a doctor.

It was lunchtime.

I was drunk on neat Kahlua, masturbating to loose women. I said, hot, this has

got to stop.

She just started running.

Yeah, I got rid of every penny I had.

Never looked back. I mean, what's the point of having eight million quid in

bank if it's not going to make you happy?

Eight million? Yeah, I invented GPS. Well, refined it.

Sold it for a bucket loan.

Did it make me happy? Did it? Bollocks. Now, absolutely everything I do is to

raise awareness for mental health.

Hey! Hey!

Why does it take three porters to push one guy to an operating theatre?

First rule of portering, backpack it all the time.

Going down.

Seems like a bit of a waste, is all.

You know, for one man.

I mean, all he's done is run a few tiny marathons and swum the longest river in

Scotland and invented GPS.

I know.

And that's why we love him.

Catch! Catch!

Catch! Catch!

Touched by an angel. I should get agonizing arthritis more often.

There's the cure for depression right there.

Kissed on the cheek by a beautiful woman.

He's also kind and surprisingly intelligent.

Am I right? Yeah.

I cannot stress this hard enough. No matter what the provocation, no visiting

relative can be tasered.

Finally, I'm afraid last month's threatened budget cuts have been

Who says management don't keep their promises?

Everybody in this room is the beating heart of this hospital.

You're just as important as me, the other six deputy chief executives, or

the doctors.

That's why we need you to come to the party.

There's a party?

Just bullshit. She's just about to ask us to work harder for less money.

we're her most valuable resource.

You remain her most valuable resource. And that means that our making more with

less challenge is right at the top of the agenda.

Remember, even the lowliest junior porter can change the world and find

themselves on the far... Trapped to the exciting world of NHS hospital

management. And believe me, it's one hell of a ride. You just need one big

My door is always open.

Thank you.

Yes.

Who's there?

My name's Simon Porter.

I'm a porter.

What are you doing in my office?

You said your door was always open. Well, that was a metaphor.

You need an appointment.

Well, I had an idea. Really?

Yeah. I'm sure you get them all the time, but... Actually, no, you're the

one ever.

So what is it?

It's a little bit complicated, so I've written it down. There's some handy

diagrams in it as well.

Give it to me.

Sorry.

But can you keep it still? My depth of perception is challenged.

No, just lay it on the desk.

I'll look at it later.

I'm very, very busy. OK.

Thank you. My name's at the top of it. It's Simon Porter.

Yeah.

Wait.

Is this really all your idea?

Yes, Miss Biden. We're not schooled. You don't have to call me that. Sorry,

Miss. Sorry.

So you didn't trace it? No.

And it can really increase efficiency by 116 %?

I believe so.

So all this is something to do with the internet? It's actually a localised

networking solution based on available and affordable consumer technology.

That's Wi -Fi, right?

So you'd need a password?

Not really. I can explain it to you.

I've always had ideas.

Big ideas.

Some people might call them dreams.

But what I didn't realise was that what I was about to suggest was going to

spark a global revolution in healthcare delivery.

The challenge, maximize efficiency by reducing spare capacity. How?

Baby brother.

GPS meets Fitbit, the simple employee fitness device that would track every

step, every movement of the working day. If you're not where you say you are, if

you're not doing what you are meant to be doing, this little box knows about

I made my dream a reality.

Did it make me a dollar billionaire?

Sure.

But it also made this incredible woman the

mother of my adopted Chinese baby.

It's just a simple tracking device that records every waking moment of the

working day.

Big brother.

It's just called baby brother, so it's sort of the opposite.

Nine. In Berlin, we tore down a damn wall with our bare hands.

We'll feed them.

Oh, well, Jane's not going to like that, is she, Tillman?

Yeah, I'll talk to him.

There's a film I saw a year ago exactly about this.

There's this young guy who works on his uncle's farm, but his real father has

been seduced by a dark force.

Then the kid meets these baby monkeys who just love robots, but one of them is

best friends with a princess who really wants to have sex with Indiana Jones.

Oh, and it's part of this weird bear.

Are you talking about Star Wars? Star Wars, yeah.

You saw it?

I think so.

Super profound.

They should make a sequel out of this film.

Yeah, I'm just going to leave that. Is there a point to any of this?

Our brother, Simon, is being seduced by the same dark side.

We must defeat him before we can save him.

It's time to stand up to baby brother.

We're going to have to move you. You're protesting in a defined promotional

area. You'll have to taser me.

I'm absolutely fine with that. If you strike me down, I shall become more

powerful than you can possibly imagine.

So it really is all for charity.

Yeah. I mean, you remember the ice bucket challenge?

Oh, I loved it.

I was hospitalized three times.

But doctors have said I should take it easy on the new hips.

Sorry, Frankie.

Sure. I understand. I mean, I should know that you wouldn't be able to do it.

It's just... Oh, so unfair.

All little Louise wants is to go to Paris and see the Disney princesses

her operation.

I mean, I can see them in her eyes, Hutch.

Her beautiful blue eyes.

Give me that tracker.

Come here.

What is it you want me to do? There's 90 destinations that you need to visit.

It's a full 26 miles.

And we'll have it all on camera.

When I'm finished.

You go again.

No. What are they for?

Nothing.

I mean, they would be, if they were kittens.

But they aren't. Do you want these or not?

So are they uppered or downers?

Honestly, it's very hard to say.

Initially, there's a very powerful anti -anxiety effect. The subject feels

profoundly calm, but incredibly...

self -confident. So they're uppers. But then there is a sudden spike of acute,

violent paranoia. They feel as if the whole world is conspiring against them,

and you find it impossible to urinate.

And you get all that from testing it on kittens?

No.

Basically, they're a work in progress. As a PhD doctor, I would strongly advise

against taking any.

That's okay. I'm just going to send them out by the chicken shop.

Forty?

Fifty

-six

miles in a day? It's not possible.

I gave it to Hutch.

He rolls.

I get the credit.

Except that completely defeats the object of my monitoring system.

The date is going to be completely skewed. This is cheating, Frankie. It's

putting a fake birthday into Facebook.

So what are you going to do about it?

Well, if you can assure me that this won't happen again, then I am prepared

let it slide just this once.

When you came here, you were nothing.

I made you.

Well, I mean, I would say that you technically bullied me.

I own your bitch ass.

And I will always...

Own your bitch ass.

Never forget that.

Oh, here he is. The

man of the moment. The system is perfect.

Productivity has never been higher. High five.

I was just about to call you. There's a charity dinner tonight in Hutchie's

honour. You're invited.

Wow.

That's great, thanks.

I should be thanking you.

You've turned this place around.

Looks like we're going to have to find you some kind of hot desk, Mr Fast

Now, what can I help you with?

It's actually a little bit awkward.

I thought she was going to put a mark on your permanent record.

A what?

Detention? Lines after school? This is real semen.

I needed this job and I made it pay.

Strictly, you know, you did break the rules a tiny bit.

Misusing a patient.

So you're happy now?

You got your revenge, posh boy.

It wasn't revenge.

I was just trying to do my job. You're a fucking Judas, mate. Am I?

Because all you've done since I came here is mock and belittle me.

You made fun of my name. You defaced my badge. You've implied I'm a virgin when

I'm not.

So while on no account did I want you to get fired, maybe on some level you

actually had it coming.

What the hell am I doing here?

I don't belong here.

I don't belong here.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

You look really, really sad.

I'm fine.

Really. I am very empathic, so I think I can tell when someone is sad because

everybody hates them.

Everybody hates me.

Well, almost everybody.

I was just trying to help. I know.

Actually, I think it's amazing what you've done.

Do you think you'll be like Mark Battenberg?

Sorry? The Facebook man.

I suppose it's possible.

I think you could be the most important man in the hospital.

And no one likes the ones who make the tough, tough call. But they respect

Actually, I've been invited to the dinner tonight for Hutch.

It's a plus one and I don't have a partner. I'd love to.

Who are you?

What do you want?

I want to save you. Oh, hey, gentleman.

When you came here, you were so cool.

You had a baby back that folded.

You loved golf.

You ran to base jumping. No, you said that. I didn't say that.

You need to see this.

When I was young, I wanted to be...

Ein Übermensch.

Superhuman.

And so, all that remains is for Matthias Tillmann to sink this six -inch putt.

All I had to do was hole a single putt, and I would be champion.

He missed.

Six inches.

You crazy?

No. I won.

Then I realized my dream was just bullshit.

The desire for adulation would drive a man insane.

So I walked away.

You must do the same.

Walk away from your ego.

You don't need this.

I do.

Lucy has agreed to go on a date with me. She understands me now.

This time I get what I want.

A career.

Lucy. I'm sorry if you and Frankie don't like it, but I've made up my mind.

Now, I'm going to be late for my date.

I'm asking you, as a friend, please let me go.

High five?

Cubs, do your best.

Hey, Caleb, we will do our best.

Simon. I wasn't talking to myself.

Sorry. I didn't mean to get you fired.

I was simply concerned about the data.

OK, I love it.

Are you going to mock me, sneer at what I'm wearing, maybe belittle me?

No, I'm not.

In fact, I'm here to apologise.

I've treated you badly these past few weeks. I've bullied you. I've said

that I never should have said. I mock the fact that you're still a virgin. I'm

honestly not a virgin, Celia. It's OK. It doesn't matter.

You've probably guessed that I'm hiding my own insecurities, right?

Not as such, but... I'm depressed, Simon.

Chronic anxiety -depression coupled with cripplingly low self -esteem.

I mean, why do you think the doctor thing got to me?

At least you have dreams.

I have nothing.

Shit.

I had no idea. No one does. In fact, these stupid pills have been keeping me

going. You're on antidepressants. Anti -depression, anti -anxiety.

An instant confidence boost.

It did help me cope.

But what you've done these last few days, it inspired me, really.

So I'm saying hello to a new me.

Starting now.

I don't need these anymore.

No matter how effectively or rapidly they deal with my acute anxiety and

situations, I'm making a new start.

You look great.

Really.

So can I get her, okay?

Okay.

Just... Whatever you do, don't be yourself.

Fuck you, Mackenzie.

It's the legend.

Oh, hey, legend.

Looking good.

Hey, um, how's your kidney?

Uh, you didn't take my kidney, remember? You stopped just in time.

Sure, sure, sure.

Well, maybe I just whipped it out and I'll sell it to the highest bidder.

Simon.

Oh, shit, man. I would so tip your nail there. Respect.

There's no way to talk about a lady.

Thank you.

Hello. Hey.

Shall we? Yeah.

I like the suit.

You look like, um, George Clooney. Oh, thank you.

Or James Bond.

Oh. The name's Porter.

Simon Porter.

I know your name.

There's definitely something different about you.

I'm here with you. That's different.

In a good way.

To the most beautiful woman in the room.

You okay?

Can you give me...

Just two minutes.

I need to get a part of my nose.

I have a big wig.

The biggest love night of his life when you give him experimental drugs. No.

I put them in the bin. He decided to take them.

This is not good.

Because of him, I don't have a job.

I'll fix it. How?

He's one of them now. You can't believe that. What I see is maybe some jealousy.

Bullshit. True shit.

If you don't care for him, you don't help him.

But if you do, you will, right?

Okay.

Hi.

You just look at my cock.

You took a long time.

I wasn't doing poo.

Okay. Okay.

So, how did you come up with the idea for Baby Brother?

Why do you want to know?

Oh, just because I'm interested, really.

You know, it's copyrighted. It's 100 % waterproof.

I made sure of that. You can't do anything with it. Simon, I don't want to

your idea.

I just think it's a bit weird, you know, that there's such an interest.

Well, I...

I think it would be great if it took off. Could make you famous.

Come on. Bye, all.

Who do you work for?

Is it the Russians?

Are you wired?

Hey. Do you know what? You look quite flabby in that light.

I'm sorry.

I really don't know what you're talking about. Oh, you.

Perfectly innocent, is it?

Mutant!

It is with great pleasure that I introduce... A man who has raised over

million for this trust alone.

Gary Hutchinson.

And I would also like to welcome

our eminent transplant surgeon, Mr Pradis.

Who has agreed to be our charity auctioneer for the evening.

Thank you. It is an honour.

to share the stage with Hutch.

A total fucking legend.

Okay, the first slot this evening. A fresh human.

Kill me.

Yes!

Given to us by an anonymous donor. The perfect gift for someone with renal

failure.

Who's going to start the bidding?

Yes, sir.

No!

It's mine, it's mine!

An anonymous donor.

He took it! Yes.

He stole it. Yes.

Don't listen to him. It's not even his cell.

Hey, guy.

No one is taking any kidneys tonight. Don't touch it. Somebody call security.

No. Simon, it's harsh.

Remember me. You need to calm down.

It's all for a great cause. Who cares?

Simon, it's me, Frankie. I need you to come with us.

No. No, no, no.

Let me see. They're all in.

All of them are a conspiracy.

What no one wants you to know, the Illuminati.

Think about it, man.

Davros, Bilderberg, Mel Gibson, Mel B, the Dalai Lama.

They are one.

What the hell's wrong with him? Nothing.

He's found out the truth.

Yeah.

Come to me. He needs to calm down. He needs to calm down.

disappointed it's a shame i had high hopes for you anyway thanks for the

thingy sorry i'm fired right oh fuck yeah

you

were on track sorry and i know it's not an excuse i mean

simon we have all dabbled with crap But on a first date. I wasn't crack. I was

on medication.

Is that an antidepressant? Look, it's okay. It's okay. I want you to feel like

you can be honest with me.

Do you buy it from a sinister man in a dangerous pub?

I'm not on crack.

I'm not on crack.

Do you use your own pipe?

Are you sharing?

Are you going to go to rehab?

I'm not going to rehab because I'm not on crack. You know, in a certain life,

you do look a bit like Robert Downey Jr.

Are you going to battle this bravely?

You should definitely call me.

When you get back from rehab.

No.

Cold in the desert.

Water down the sea.

Ground.

So she fired you too then?

I think it was inevitable, don't you?

Where is everybody?

Silent. You've got something to show you.

I know what it's like to

suffer from mental health problems.

I know how low you can get. But do we stigmatize this young, depressed

man for having a tragic breakdown in public?

Or do we support him?

Do we insist they lose their job or do we help them to get back to work? Well,

know what Hutch thinks. What do you think?

No one in this hospital will

lift a finger until you are back in your rightful place, pushing a trolley

around and doing whatever else Porter does.

Am I right?

Turns out you're not a twat, just a minority.

I'll probably do a fun run or something.

It's a proud day for a democracy.

High five.

Yeah.

Sorry I ruined your date.

Actually, Lucy's still interested.

She thinks I'm dangerous.

And I'm crack.

Take the shot.

Are you sure?

Take it.

What?

I'll point the main gun.

Very good for a beginner.

Really?

Yeah.