Original subtitles

So then I had to leave medical school to look after my sick grandmother. It was

a tough, tough decision, but Norma needed me right up until the end.

And it was just sort of one thing after the other, really, but I always felt

this incredible pull, you know, like there was a calling, you know, calling

literally. There was a voice going, Simon?

Speaking. Speak of a doctor. All right, then.

So this portering thing's all just temporary, but it's good to see how it

works down here.

Sweating it out in the old engine room.

So what's your ambition? I mean, obviously it's not all this.

Well, deep down, right now, I'm secretly hoping that you shut the fuck up before

I smash your face in. Cool, right. Okay, my friend. That's a fistful of genuine

Chinese Viagra right there. Thank you very much. Let's go.

You're filling Chinese Viagra in basement corridor?

No, I'm filling out of date paracetamol covered in permanent marker.

Well, that's both illegal and immoral. And I don't give a shit. When it comes

portering, there's only one rule.

When I say stop, you stop.

Stop! Stop.

He could have killed me.

That's Parkman. He's registered blind.

But you let him drive.

Whatever that thing was.

Laundry train. No choice.

They tried to stop him, but he threatened to sue them for disability

Stop!

You're really not getting the hang of this, are you?

Relax.

He's alive.

What happened?

This golf ball smashed into your face.

I am Tillman.

I am Simon.

Oh, scheisse. Your baby bike is broken.

Oh, no.

No, it's fine. It's actually a mixed -mode commuter bike.

Amazing. High five.

Can I own a Brompton?

Yeah.

I like him.

He's a cock, which means he needs to supper all day.

Co -black, Ben and Gina Paul. Repeat. Co -black, Ben and Gina Paul.

What? Co -black.

He's dead.

Either that or he's been holding his breath for the last two hours.

Dr. Kelly, you called for the porter? I believe we're dealing with a code black.

Who's she?

Simon, new porter.

I'm delighted to be part of the team. I'm actually hoping to be a doctor

one day. Oh, great. Going to work your way up. A lot of people do that. Really?

No. This is Rabbi Durham. I need you to get rid of him so that I can fill this

ward with people who are barely alive.

Right. Where are we taking him?

Well, you could put him in the paediatric ward.

Scare the shit out of the little bastards.

Personally, I'd just stick to the walk.

Whatever you do, he's R .A .P., therefore F .E .P. F .E .P.? Someone

problem. Have you certified him yet? Oh, don't tell me. Sorry, teeny bit of an

emergency.

Right, what seems to be the problem here?

Poor man.

Poor, poor man.

Hi.

Seaman? No, it's Simon.

You're new here, aren't you, Seaman?

What's a porter, porter?

It's my name.

Porter's my surname.

Are you okay?

Someone's put Seaman on my badge.

No. In permanent marker.

Okay, so who's going to help me with this poor soul?

Well, will he be needing a full body wrap and bottom plug?

He will. Well, seeing as it's his first day, I'd say that that is a job for

Seaman. Okay.

I'm looking for someone who just tried to commit suicide.

He goes by the name of Mark.

And he needs an X -ray of his rectum.

You must be Mark.

So what happened?

I took an overdose.

The packet said take two, three times a day. But I took three, three times a

day. Plus the symptoms persisted.

I didn't consult my doctor.

Why are we x -raying you, crazy boy?

I also stabbed myself with this.

Then I ate the fork.

This broom?

I'll never find it.

So, apparently, he left medical

school to look after his sick grandmother.

That's awful.

Can't they just let you back in? I mean, it's not like you failed all of your

exams or anything.

No. No, no. In fact, that's exactly what I said to the dean.

So now you're here, working as a porter.

You know what?

I think your dream will come true. And that badge won't read Seaman Porter

Porter anymore.

It'll read Dr.

Seaman Porter.

Doctor.

It's Simon.

What are you doing?

Didn't you know?

Their feet are lucky.

You should hold the rabbi's foot, too.

I'm not 100 % certain that's correct. Oh, come on, hold his lucky foot.

Don't you want to be a doctor?

Unless he's scared.

No, I'm respecting him by not touching him. It's a sign of respect.

Oh, it's sweet. You're screaming.

You know, when I was a student, I kept thinking I was going to reach out and

grab him, you know, like a zombie.

Miss, I'm not nervous.

As I said before, it's just...

Yep, he's a middle -class twat. You know the kids about medical school, don't

you? All that bullshit about his grandmother.

There's a German word for a guy like him. A young man who is trying too hard

to impress a female colleague on the first day of a new job.

He's unlikely to keep. You're sticking up for him? He could be the coolest guy.

Look at this amazing bike.

A fucking Brompton.

This guy.

To put a spoon up your ass, you must be pretty unhappy.

Well, maybe he's just after the attention.

I mean, he's here every week.

Aren't you, Mark?

I do kill myself a lot.

Why do you think he stabbed himself with a plastic knife? Maybe he's over

-ambitious. Or maybe he's just a little bit mental.

I prefer troubled.

She's got it all wrong.

It's the world that's the master of the earth. It chooses to ignore your cries

of pain.

But I, Tillman, will cure you.

Ja!

So anyway, he was talking to me whilst I was cleaning the slick off him.

Mostly old person gibberish. But then he just said the most amazing thing.

He reached up and he held my hand.

And then he just stared at me.

Like he was looking right into my soul.

And he said, I have seen him.

I have seen the face of Jehovah.

And then he just told me the answer to all of it. You know, love, death.

I just thought, that is it, you know? That is so it.

Rabbi Dolem actually told you the meaning of life?

Yeah, totally.

And it was just so true, you know?

So simple.

It was like I was actually talking to God.

Wow.

So what was it?

What did he say?

He said... No, hold on.

Something about ducks.

No.

Sugar.

It's totally gone.

Oh, well, never mind.

Anyway, there we go. Bottom plugged, wrapped up, neat and tidy. All yours.

Which way's the mortuary?

Basement, Queen's Building.

You're not coming with me?

No, no, there's just so much business up here. Two more limp dicks and a guy

coming for a box of capitals. You do it.

Aren't you going to be supervising me for the whole week? No, you're a

There's nothing more I can teach you. Hey, you're like Luke Skywalker if he

stayed on Dagobah with Yoda.

OK.

Take him, I will.

Where am I going?

Just use the force. No, no, I don't know where I'm going. Frankie, Frankie!

I don't know where I'm going!

you doing this?

Because I want to help you, my friend.

You still have the gift of life. You can't just give that away.

Look at me. I have nothing.

And I'm a happy man.

Ask me why.

Why? Because I live my life like a real German man.

Not in a pussy. I appreciate the simple things.

Please don't touch me.

I created.

A playlist for you. Hard Rock, Metallica, Rammstein, The Boys of the

It's on shuffle.

And the films of Jason Statham.

If you were dead, you would never be able to see these films or the sequels

these films ever again.

Don't forget that.

See you later.

Shit, shit, shit.

No, actually, that's not important. Who is this?

That's not important either. Dad, what's going on? Dad? I'm afraid I have some

bad news. Your father is in hospital.

Good. Is he all right?

Well... Are you one of the doctors?

Yes.

Yes, I am. I'm Dr.

Spock... I'm Dr.

Spocklington. That's me.

He's not going to...

I think that... We think that your father had a heart

attack. Is it serious?

I'm afraid so.

In fact, it could hardly be more serious.

Oh, my God.

Every day I tell him to check his cholesterol.

He's going to be all right.

That depends... I need to know.

...on what you mean by all right.

I mean, is he going to pull through?

It can have to be more specific. I mean...

Well, how was the last time you saw him?

Fine. He had a little angina, but... Oh, my God.

Is he going to die, Doctor? Just tell me. Is he going to die?

No.

No, I can safely say he's not going to die.

Thank you. Thank you, Doctor.

Can I speak to him?

No. No, because he can't speak. He needs to rest his voice.

He's listening.

He's on speaker.

You see the problem? What, you bludgeoned a dead rabbi with his granny

attacked me. A dead person attacked you.

Concentrate on the second word of that sentence.

No, because he wasn't dead.

The lift malfunctioned and then he came alive again.

Fuck's sake, they all do that. It's called the death twitch. And there was

malfunction. That was a test. And you failed. Oh, what? Oh, look, lift key.

Oh, I was in charge all along.

This isn't funny, Frankie. We could both get in serious trouble.

We, no, you.

You grew up semen. It's the simplest test of nerve, and you go mental.

If this is some sort of initiation... The first rule of portering. Never

the patients, even the dead ones.

I don't think he's dead.

Maybe we should ask Dr Kelly to double -check. The second rule of portering.

We do as we're told, without question. Let's get the poor bastard back to the

mortuary before someone notices.

Oh, um... Um, there was something else.

I thought I should mention it.

When I was moving him, his phone sort of went off.

Please tell me you didn't answer it. Again, not deliberate, but I had a

chat with his family, and the upshot is the daughter still

thinks he's alive.

Alive? And she's going to the hospital now.

Sorry. Fuck.

This is your mess.

However, seeing as I'm on my final warning, I need you to keep quiet and do

tell you.

So they actually cut up dead people for a living? Yeah, but they treat the

departed with respect and dignity.

We're busy.

Just leave the stiff outside.

Is it Jennifer Aniston?

Oh, uh, no.

Just leave the stiff outside.

This is Tillman.

Open and be there.

Nasty. Really took a chunk out of the poor bastard, didn't he?

Kids, were it?

Not exactly.

Simon battered him with a mobile. He's dead.

Bit of a girl, isn't he?

I'm sorry, but I don't think feeling trepidation in the presence of mutilated

dead bodies is in the slightest bit unreasonable.

Christ. Or maybe the property's just nervous.

Sandwich. Actually, I'm fine for you.

Having a party?

Birthday. One of the pathologists.

Death begins at 40.

Took us ages to think of the theme.

Yeah, it's really cool.

Looks like you've made a lot of effort. Oh, I've only just started.

Give me two hours and this place will be a perfect facsimile.

Of the Judeo -Christian vision of hell?

Can you appear in?

Bit of filler.

Touch of foundation.

Nick and eyelid from Mr Bull.

Yeah, it'll be good, isn't it?

How much? 50 euros.

50? We're not having a euro.

Or we could leave it. His family's about to arrive any minute.

I just don't know where I'm going to find a bureau de change.

It's not this hour. In return for a strike of euros, mate. Golf ball.

Till it will be.

Didn't mention I'm also scared of clowns. I'll have to do.

We've only got a few minutes before they fill this bed.

Lift up his shirt.

Okay, so you understand the plan.

You let him have a quick look so they all think he's alive.

And then pull the plug.

You put on a show. Rabbi doesn't make it. Problems often.

Oh, God.

Calm down. It's too fast. I thought you wanted to be a doctor.

Believe it or not, I've never tried to...

re -kill a dead man in front of his grieving family before.

You've got your disguise on.

Doctor!

Doctor Spocklington.

We spoke earlier.

This is my uncle Mendel.

Doctor Spocklington, Doctor Mendel Dolem.

Doctor. That is correct.

Now, would that be, um, doctor isn't very clever, but not, um... actually a

doctor. You mean do I have a PhD? Yes, are you a PhD doctor?

Well, doctor, while I do have a doctorate in cerebral remodeling after

injury, I'm also employed as consultant neurologist at King's Square Hospital.

So in full answer to your initial question, I'm both a real doctor and

very clever indeed.

So pale, doctor.

So desperately pale.

And his tachycardia.

It's a real concern, surely. Speak English, Mendel. His heart is racing.

I wouldn't worry about that. I don't agree, Doctor. Have you called

I don't think that's necessary. I'll probably stop soon.

No, not stop.

It will get better.

Any second now. I still think a consultation is...

all right i'm fine very calm very very calm and very very relaxed so

cold dad why is he so cold doctor what is actually wrong with him very

complicated obviously obviously although elderly care medicine is not my

speciality surely you can indulge me as a professional courtesy you're concerned

about his heart yes exactly extremely uh we've actually run some tests

ECG. Echo.

Chem.

Seven.

Pop -a -dom.

Sorry? I said we're doing some tests. You said pop -a -dom. No, I didn't.

Rebecca, confirm, please. Dr. Spockington just said pop -a -dom. Stop

Mendel. Not everyone can be on the spectrum.

I had one.

CT scan.

CT scan. Yep, for his heart. It's a heart CT.

If they pop it on, that would be idiotic.

These tests, you must have some results by now. Yeah, the tests have proved

quite inclusively. In fact, there's very little doubt that your brother is

very... very... What on earth are you doing?

He's a heart doctor.

He's having a heart attack.

Dr. Sparklington!

Jesus!

My God, it stopped.

Mental hit, not breathing.

I'll do something, Doctor.

Dr. Bucklington, help me. The defibrillator, quick.

Dr. Bucklington!

Aren't you on a final warning for selling Chinese Viagra? I don't see how

relevant. Because you're clearly lying to me. And for some reason, this idiot's

dressed as a doctor.

That rabbi was dead.

But you certified him. I got called away to see railing guy.

So you didn't actually examine him?

In fact, we're all lucky Dr. Porter was here to save the day.

All right, what do you want, Mamie Knopfer? What if we agree never to

any of this ever again? I think that is an excellent idea.

Thanks for sticking up for me.

Reported. Stick together.

First rule.

I thought the first rule was do exactly as you say, or was it stop when you say

stop? Okay, the point is, I make the rules, you just listen.

Scheiße. Look.

This is serious.

The love of music is the last thing to go.

What are we going to do?

I have a plan.

You just have to do exactly everything I tell you. Got it.

Don't try and talk me out of it.

I've made up my mind.

I'm really going to do it. Good.

I think you should jump.

You think I should jump?

Definitely. What? You heard me. Come on.

Jump.

I will. I'm not joking.

Neither am I. You're right. You're a piece of shit.

The world would be better off without you.

Jump. I'm about who?

You want me to push you? Stay away from me.

Jump.

Jump. Jump.

Jump. Jump.

Come on, guys.

Jump. Jump.

Jump. Jump. Is this really a good idea? He seems very sure. Jump. Jump. Jump.

Jump. Jump.

Jump. Jump.

Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump. Come on. Yeah.

Was that the plan?

No.

No, he was supposed to get mad at me and hit me, and then I was supposed to

touch him. It worked a little weapon.

He just came to me when I was falling.

Suddenly I wanted to live, to start again, to enjoy myself.

To masturbate.

Actually, I was thinking about writing a novel.

That's good.

They'd all given up on that rabbi.

You didn't.

Why? Maybe because he reminded me of someone.

Someone who never gave up on me.

Even after the drug, failed marriages.

The incest accusations.

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I'd do this goddamn crazy job.

Maybe it's because you care.

I guess someone has to.

God, I want you. I know.

She makes you like steel, yeah.

Lucy, that perfect nose, hair like spun sugar. The way you imagine her,

prefer go on to taste.

Maybe the first two, yeah.

It's totally out of your league, Seaman. She is Barcelona.

You're just a man on your own, not even part of a proper team, who's never

played football before and who's got no legs. That is how far out of your league

she is.

Yeah, but Frankie's right.

A woman like her belongs to the doctors.

It's the ancient way.

Yeah, but I'm going to be a doctor one day, and then we'll be together.

This job isn't forever. I'm not... It's not what I'm meant to do.

I love this guy.

Nothing can stop him. Ha! Like Arnie in Terminator. Now we must drink heavy

-strength lager.

Um, actually, I don't drink that much.

You know, I'll have some champagne at Christmas, maybe a toast for the

but there's a general rule.

Insane. Next year, whatever, you don't take golf.

Actually, all porters play golf.

Tell them we'll teach you.

It's getting late, so I'm going to pop off.

Shit.

He's alive.

I think the three of us are going to make a hell of a team.

Yeah.

The new and exclusive hospital set comedy series Porters continues on

at 10, starring Rutger Hauer. While next up, it's world -class stand -up comedy

live at the Apollo, hosted by Ramesh Ranganathan.