Original subtitles

What time your little fast tail get in this house last night?

Mr. Brown, I was in here by 9.

I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to Cora.

Ms. Cora, you have a curfew?

No. Yes.

She need to be in here by the time them streetlights come on or someone tear her

tail up. I done told you. Get your behind in here by 9 .15.

I am grown, Mr. Brown. See, I know how women work. I know how y 'all do.

But how are we? Yeah, how are we, Mr. Brown?

Okay, I tell you, you better stop working your neck before I snap it.

Now, first of all, I know y 'all copy each other. You get a miniskirt, she get

miniskirt. Next thing you know, we'll have a house full of pregnant women

running around in miniskirts.

That's ridiculous, Mr. Brown.

Just what I'm talking about. Look, right there. That's what I'm talking about.

Do that miniskirt come with a pregnancy test?

I'm going to be your skirt.

Mr. Brown. Where me? Where me?

Everywhere you go, I'm going.

Mr. Brown.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, y 'all.

You can't go nowhere.

So what did the doctor say? Said everything is great.

Well, good.

And just a little tie from the amniocentesis.

Amniocentesis?

It's an exam that, you know, helps you figure out if the baby's healthy or not.

Mm -hmm. It also tells you the sex.

Well, we already know y 'all been having sex.

So stop being nasty.

No, Mr. Brown, that means to tell you what the baby is, a girl or a boy.

You don't need no animal scientist to tell you what the baby is.

Now, look, Grandma Brown could tell what a baby is by just touching a woman's

hair. What?

Let me show you. I can tell you what it is.

Mark my word, I know. Come here.

Step over here. What?

I'm right there. Now, put your hands up.

Yes!

You're going to have a weed.

Number three, Cirky Street.

Yes, with a yakky blend on it.

She's having a girl.

That's why I got her this.

Brianna, you were supposed to wait until the baby showers.

I know, I just couldn't wait anymore.

That ain't nothing. Sorry, I just couldn't wait.

Y 'all think that's something.

Oh, Brianna, it's so cute, my baby. She's going to love wearing it. You're

sweet. Yeah, you know, that's cute, but my son won't be wearing it.

He's going to be an athlete.

He's going to be wearing this.

Oh, baby, that's adorable.

But guys, look, I really don't care if it's a girl or a boy.

As long as it's healthy.

It's going to be a girl. Yeah, it'll be a girl. It doesn't matter.

I don't know, but it's a girl. Hey, listen up. Hey.

Now,

what Sasha said is true. It don't matter if it's a boy or a girl.

What really matters is, is that it's going to be a brown.

What? Wait, wait, what are you doing?

Just trying to secure the baby gate. Secure the baby gate? Yeah.

Now that's not secure.

You stronger than the baby.

Well, you know the baby's not due for a month.

Yeah, this is it.

We need to be thinking about baby names like Babelba.

That's a horrible name for the brave starting pitcher.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, sweetie, sweetie.

Let me handle that, all right? You shouldn't be handling stuff like that.

get your hand. Uh -huh, that's how we got in this predicament in the first

place.

TMI.

I'm not going to be able to eat for weeks. Thank you.

Kettle corn!

What's wrong with the cabinets?

Oh, uh, ha.

I child -proofed it.

Baby, I got news for you.

If they can reach it, they can open it.

Oh. Yeah.

Be like 12.

And this thing is dumb.

I'll do that for you. It's hard.

Put childproof caps on them.

Huh? Will, are you serious? Yeah, I was thinking. Baby, I'm thinking ahead.

Here, you open it.

Oh, I got it. All right.

All right? See? On the top. All you do is push, squeeze,

and twist.

Okay. All right?

Boom. Pow.

Boom.

Bing.

Pow. Okay.

Never mind.

See you later. Don't worry about it. Twist. Hold on. You quit. Yeah. Push.

then, hey, at least the house is safe.

Which way is the sun coming from?

Is someone burning chicken?

Nah, I don't smell nothing.

Hey, I thought you were supposed to be helping me, Burnty Mac.

And I thought you weren't supposed to be watching movies after your curfew,

either.

They've tried labor laws against this.

Well, keep laboring, child.

Hey, Mr. B.

This letter was delivered to the frat house by accident.

So how about a tip?

I got a tip for you. The next time you open my mail, I'm going to bust your

to the white meat.

Give me my mail. I did not open your mail and see that you have to pay your

taxes.

Taxes? I know what to do with this.

Here, Waco, sweep that trash on it. That's how you make a real business.

are you doing?

That is important.

Ain't nothing important. I get them every year.

The government is after you for back taxes.

I don't offer no back taxes, front taxes, or side taxes.

Because I ain't never paid no taxes.

This is serious, Mr. B.

You can go to prison.

Then you'll be cleaning the yard.

Shut up. I can go to, like, the lock -up prison. Like, that kind of prison.

I can't go to no prison. Who's going to be doing the cooking?

Cora.

Well, who's going to fix stuff around here?

Will. Well, who's going to do the shopping?

Sasha. Not in my family, me. I can't go no further. I'm too pretty.

Listen, I'm a business major, okay? I can do your taxes for you.

But the first thing we need is all your receipts.

Oh, that's easy.

I got a receipt for everything I ever bought.

No way.

Everything? Yes way, everything.

Look here.

Right here.

Look.

That right there, that's the receipt for...

Jesse Jackson's inauguration right there. Jesse Jackson?

Yes. His slogan was, yes, I think we might can.

Okay, it says here that babies eat every two hours.

Oh, so do you, Bree.

Right. Don't. Hey,

do we have any more of that kettle corn?

No, you ate it out.

Now, this is your house, okay?

Look at it. All right, it's a little old, but don't worry about it. It's been

here a long time.

This is your house, all right? And this is your beautiful family, all these

beautiful young ladies.

Here's your beautiful cousin, Cora. This is my cousin, Cora. Say hi. Say hi to

the baby, Cora. Hey, Bathsheba.

Tell your daddy you like that name.

Oh, don't be like this. Your name won't be Bathsheba, but she loves you anyway.

Oh, don't be like this. Now, here is your big sister, Brianna.

Isn't she pretty?

All right. Beauty and brains, sometimes.

Say hi, Bri. Hey.

Stay out of my room and blame everything on Joaquin.

Bye, Dolce.

Or Gababy.

Those terrible names. Goodness gracious.

All right. And this queen over here.

Is my wife, your mommy.

Hi, baby.

And right in here, this is where you used to live before you lived here.

Right inside of there. And you're going to get bigger and bigger and bigger and

bigger. Even though it's small now, it's going to get huge. I mean, like, big,

big.

Nephew, what kind of video are you shooting in my house?

Quickie time.

All right, that is the famous Uncle Brown.

Say hi, Uncle Brown. Unless I can write him off on my taxes, I ain't got time.

Come on, say something nice.

Nice? I got to go. Hey.

What? Now look, his last name is Brown, too, but there's really no relation.

Remember, don't look directly at his clothes.

Don't let your baby see you get beat down. This how I look when your daddy

beat down.

See?

When uncles attack.

All right, anyway.

Okay. All right, give me, give me. Here, here, here.

Baby, here. What? Come on, do it. Are you serious?

Yes, yes.

I'm excited.

All right, you ready?

Tell me when you're ready. All right, Daddy.

Okay, what do you have to say?

Hold on. You got to make sure I look cool. Do I look cool?

You are not in Hollywood. All right, all right, all right. Say hi to the baby.

William Brown Jr.

William Brown Jr. I am your father.

I'm sorry.

I'm just being goofy. I'm so excited. Everybody's so excited to meet you. All

right? We just can't wait.

And now, little do they know, I know a little something they don't know.

I know you're going to be a beautiful baby boy.

Sasha. She really don't want to be a boy.

Sasha. Sasha.

It was just a joke. Sasha. No, I don't think we're joking.

Sasha. Sasha. Hey.

You call this a filing system?

Yeah, yeah. These are all the receipts that I ever had in my whole life. Right

here. It's all the receipts.

What? Here you go. Yeah.

This right here is my Rolodex and more receipts.

To call all your employers?

Yes, yes.

All right, fine.

Let's get to work. Okay. Do you have any write -offs?

Oh, yeah. Here, you can just write on this. Just write on that.

I hope you're charging him by the hour.

How about your dependents?

Oh, no, no. I don't wet him. I wet boxes.

I can't watch this.

No, dependents are people you're taking care of. Well, you should just write

your own name down at the end.

Okay, so no dependents.

All right, have you ever given to charity?

Oh, no, I ain't never gave her no money.

But I loaned her mama $20 a long time ago, and she never gave it back.

You know, you think we can write that off on my taxes?

Oh, wait.

You know what?

It's too bad you're not a farmer. You can write off $2 ,000 for crop failure.

Shut up.

Yep.

I don't think this is going to make it. It didn't make it.

You think that patch of dead grass I backed, you think that'll count?

Oh!

What?

You bought a body by Jake?

That's, uh, Jank.

Jank Jenkins.

It was half price, yes.

I see you got half the results.

Look how I'm bit. This is full results.

What else you got in here?

Shut up! Look, look.

That's the receipt to my O .J.'s eight -track tape right there.

Backstabbers. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where you going?

I'm going to get my money back. That thing broke the day I got it.

Ms.

Cora, do you think Scotch is going to be okay?

Oh, yes, honey, yes.

She's a strong woman. She's going to get through this, all right?

We just have to have faith.

Just keep praying for her, okay?

Okay.

Come on.

Will, what happened? What did the doctor say? I don't know. They threw me out of

the room.

Really? Telling me I'm acting more like a panicked husband than an experienced

physician. Do I look like I'm panicking to you? Do I really look like I'm

panicking?

Yes.

It's going to be okay, all right?

Will.

I need to speak with you.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Sure, but what is it?

Alone.

Come on. What is it?

We're family, Doc. Whatever you need to say to me, you can say to all of us.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Are you sure?

Well... You know what? Why don't you guys... Why don't you wait here?

You sure about this? I'll be right back.

I don't...

It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay.

It's going to be okay.

You done yet? No.

How about now? Not yet.

How much jail time am I looking at? Give me a minute.

Am I looking at Michael big time or am I looking at Paris Hilton time? Tell me.

I can take it.

You're looking at O .J. Simpson time if you don't let me finish.

The first time or the second time?

You need more W -2s? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I got them right here.

These are the big ones. These big.

That's the big time.

You work for the Humane Society?

Yes, yes, yes. I was what they call a cat whisperer.

What's a cat whisperer?

It's what you call cats. I used to be like, here kitty, kitty, kitty.

Here kitty, kitty, kitty.

And that worked? Yes, yes. I caught cats from all around.

Like Asia, Japan, and China.

Yeah, and Chinese restaurants.

Okay, what is Ray Ray's roll and smoke?

Mr. Brown!

No, not like that. It was a skating rink that had a barbecue pit in the middle

of it.

Okay, and how long did you work there?

To the place burnt down.

Yeah, I think it was that mesquite that did him in. That fire caught that whole

wood flowing fire.

Wait, you worked for Ford?

Yes, yes. I only worked there for one day, though.

What'd you do for one day?

I was a crash test dummy.

You know, they fired me because I kept hitting the brakes.

All right.

I am done.

Finally, I'm wore out.

Speaking of wore out, am I going to be getting wore out in jail?

You know what? According to my calculation, you got something coming.

I don't want nothing coming to me. I don't want nobody.

I don't want to do it.

No, I mean a refund.

You're going to get a refund.

Oh, they owe me money? They owe me money?

Yeah. Oh, I'm going to get me the phone. I'm going to ask them how much they owe

me. They're going to give me my money.

How much?

50 big ones.

What? 50 big ones? What?

$50 ,000?

I'm rich?

I'm going to buy a car or something. I'm buying her everything in the world she

wants.

I'm going to buy a car or a car.

I'm getting a husband, and I'm buying a house. No, no, $50 .74.

What am I doing with 74 cents?

Now, now, with the fee that you owe me, that will leave you with times three.

Wait, did you pay for lunch or did I? I paid for lunch. Okay, minus lunch, plus

gas. You don't mean me have no car.

Yeah, but that lunch gave me gas, so.

You aren't grateful. That's what you are ungrateful.

Grateful.

All right.

Your total refund is $38 .13.

Okay. You need to take you and your calculator, and y 'all need to go. Oh,

and the calculator rental.

So that's $29 .13.

I just paid your doctor bill. That's what I did. I paid your hospital bill in

full. What hospital bill?

The one you're going to get after I punch you in your face.

Hey.

Hey. Hey, baby.

I'm so sorry. Hey, hey, hey.

Come on now.

You know it's not your fault.

God, I wanted this baby.

More than anything, Will. I know.

Hey, don't worry about that right now. All you need to do is just concentrate

getting better, okay?

Mm -hmm.

I know how much you wanted to be a father. I am a father.

We've got two great kids. I know, baby, but I meant... Hey.

I know what you mean, okay?

Mm -hmm. And we've got time for that.

Why don't you just focus on getting some sleep?

Well, I can't sleep.

Maybe we should just break the news to everyone.

They wanted this too.

Okay. Mm -hmm.

I'm going to tell Brianna and Cora, okay?

Okay.

I'll be right back.

Did you ever find out?

Find out what, babe?

If our baby was a boy or a girl.

I don't know.

Probably best we don't know.

she can't use her own shower.

One day, little man.

Hey, Mr. Brown, what are you... Back up, back up, back up.

What are we looking for?

Here,

kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Help!

Help!

Look,

I still got it.

Mr. Brown is the name.

Cat whispering is the game.

Isn't that the cat from the Kung Fu Chinese restaurant?

Nice.

You still want to get that ice cream?

Sure.