Original subtitles

I'll tell you.

Derek, what are you doing here?

Never mind.

What's wrong with the TV?

Oh, it's broken.

The Colonel and Brown have gone to get a new TV.

I'm glad the Colonel talked Mr.

Brown into getting high -def, even though he didn't know what it was.

Yeah, he thought high -def was most -deaf's brother.

Isn't that?

Cora, that's so, so deaf.

Old people, man.

Watch it. You gotta get old.

One more kiss? Come on, come on.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, Will, man, come on, man. Will, Will, man. Would you stop it? Oh, Sasha,

that's you.

Well, of course it's me.

Oh, I was about to say, I said, Will, you got some spraining to do.

Yeah, see, this is just Sasha's hot new wig.

It almost makes me feel like I'm seeing another woman.

What? Who look just like my wife, who I love very, very, very much.

Uh -huh.

Whatever, Will.

So, uh, Sasha, what's with the wig?

Renee's selling these wigs for the Hair with a Heart campaign.

Yeah, she twist my arm to get me to buy one.

Literally. She did.

I tried three times to put his shoulder back in place. Oh, God!

I'm sorry.

Make that four.

I tell you guys, that girl is one wig -selling wizard.

I know, because I bought the fun ones. I let you see them later. Oh, thank you,

Paul. Once we hit 5 ,000 and sell, the hospital said they'd match it with a

donation to cancer research.

Really? That is wonderful.

Baby, didn't you buy a blonde wig?

Oh, yeah.

But I'm going to save that one for my four -inch heels.

Okay,

so since you guys are getting a new TV, what are you going to do with the relic?

Oh, now.

That's her father. She's got to give him a place to live.

That's what I'm doing, Mr. Edna.

Be careful, Brown.

Mr.

Brown.

He tripped and his head went through the box.

Stop the bleeding, Carmen.

Is my head cut out? Are you all right, Mr. Brown?

Wait.

Where's the TV?

Only thing playing on that thing is the facts of life.

Pay for this.

Mr. Burns, would you just calm down? I ain't calmed up yet, Cora.

Calm down? Mr. Burns, do you even have a receipt?

Yes, Cora, I kept my receipt. It's right here.

Look, let me see.

This is an eight piece and two snickerdoodles. What?

They didn't give me my snickerdoodles?

That's terrible.

Look, look.

They gotta wait in here to try to make this thing heavy.

that was part of your artificial hair?

Mr. Brown, I thought it was part of that metal plate in your head.

I ain't got no metal plate in my head. Oh, watch me.

I feel terrible about this. And you should.

I can't believe you two bought something from a stranger in a parking lot. It's

a wonder you two didn't get robbed.

Carver, we did get robbed.

I gave them money and I didn't get no key fee.

We're going to get your money back. That's right. I want my money and I want

now. Now, wait a minute. How are you going to find gangsters? They don't

business cards. Right.

Wait, you know, I did hear them mention that they was going to see, uh,

Weatherman and Skinnywad.

Skinnywad? At Hot Pockets?

You know somebody named Skinnywad? Oh, yeah, he run numbers down at the pool

hall. Everybody know him. Y 'all don't know him?

What?

I ain't been slaving all my life. Well, bro, we're going to... hot boxes to get

your money back. Okay, let me get strapped up. I'm getting strapped up.

why you gonna roll in there like that? They're OGs. Well, we're gonna be OGs.

More like OGs. Look, just call it a lesson learned and just forget about it.

Forget about it? Yes, forget about it. Did MC Hammer quit?

No. You know why?

Why? Because he was too legit to quit.

Hey, hey.

That's right.

Did Richard Nixon quit?

Actually, he did.

Did Roberto Duran ever quit?

Yes.

General Custer didn't quit. He ain't no quitter. He got killed.

But M .C. Hammer didn't quit. He hammer all the time, Carl.

Don't, don't, don't.

Yeah, a man's got to do what a man's got to do. Yes, good. So let's just send

Edna. Well,

Edna's busy, Brown.

Well, Brown, we're going down there. We're going to get your money back.

fine. You do what you got to do. But you call me and let me know everything's

okay. I will. It'll be fine. We'll go down there and we'll fit right in.

Are there not any more honest people in this world?

People only want what they pay for.

This is terrible. They just, they do so bad.

Mr. Brown. They rob, kill, and steal. It's just the TV.

I ain't nobody talking about no TV. I'm talking about my snickerdoodle. I'm

going to get my snickerdoodle. They drive me out of my snickerdoodle.

Oh,

uh -uh, uh -uh, uh -uh, honey. This is for a person with a regular forehead.

No, you got a five head.

So this is a five head wig.

But you got to wear it this way.

Thank you for supporting hair with the heart.

Hospital staff, if your face is telling your hair, get off me, get off me, or if

the back of your neck looks like army man with that fist balled up real tight,

then come by and wait from Renee.

Back to healing.

Renee. Yes.

Did you tell the women in the lab that I would do a lap dance for them if they

bought wigs?

Yes. I sold six wigs.

So get your G -string ready.

Um, six?

There's 50 women in the lab.

Well, maybe I better work them some crunches.

I'm not doing that.

You better do some squats, too. Get those glutes tight.

So how are those sales?

Oh, off the chain, girl.

Honey, it looks like you have found your niche. Renee, at this rate, we're going

to reach our goal by deadline tomorrow.

I'm so proud of you.

I would stand here and bask in the success of my wig selling, but I have

sell. Okay, well, keep up the good work. I am getting lots of compliments on

mine. Think we'd have to strut by that construction site during lunch.

You need a wig.

No, yes, you do.

That wasn't a question, honey.

Yeah, you need a wig.

Renee. Yeah. You told Nurse Phyllis that I would go out with her if she bought a

wig? No.

I told her two wigs.

Here.

Thank you.

Hi.

Carl, ain't nothing in here but sin and deceit.

Well, it don't look that bad, bro.

Come on, let's blend in so it won't be so obvious. Good idea. That way we can

sniff out Skinny White and Weatherman before they get wise.

Okay, come on, just be cool, Colonel. Come on, walk like this. Walk cool.

What's up, fat sucker?

Uh, I'll take a highball.

I'll take a gumball.

On the rocks.

Dry.

Watch how I squeeze the skinny out of this foxy lady here. Okay, okay.

Hey there, little lady.

Uh, look here.

Oh!

Oh!

Colonel, that is... That is right there. What?

That's the taste she slapped out of your mouth. You weak.

You ain't got no game.

Let me show you how to run. Listen up. Let me show you how to do it. Listen up,

everybody. All eyes on me.

Everybody look over here.

Now, we looking for Skinny White and Weatherman.

If you know where he is... you better tell me, cause I'm bad.

Yeah, and don't let us turn this joint upside down.

Yeah, cause like he said, we're bad.

And I don't mean Michael Jackson bad either.

I'm talking about bad.

Right now, Weatherman and Skinnywad is probably scared cause they heard two bad

tornadoes that came into town.

They probably changing they type.

What? You hear that, bro? What is that?

It sounds like Skinnywad's teeth chattering.

You got to say something about your mama. Yeah, say something. You go first.

All right. Say, weatherman, I heard his mama got an ear in the middle of her

forehead, and she pick up the phone and say, hello.

Just like that. Hello.

That's a good one, brother. I like that one.

I'm skinny wide.

Look, it's Minnie Mobster.

Baby Bob, you got to be kidding me.

You crawling yet?

Let me spray your breath. I bet you got milk on your breath. Come on. Let me get

right down to it. No need to get down, because I'll bring you down to size.

You better keep your finger out of my face, or you ain't finna do nothing to

Oh, really?

Oh, really. Y 'all seen? I slipped on something slippery.

You know, I would stomp your heart out, but I just bought these shoes.

I bought them to size two shoes. You couldn't even put out a cigarette with

little bitty shoes.

You better leave me alone, because you don't know who I think I am.

That's right. Boy, I hit you so hard, man, that weatherman right here, he a

foul. You better get away from you.

Yeah, yeah, and not only that, you ain't gonna hurt us, all these witnesses

around here. You right.

You right.

Everybody, out!

Get out!

You heard the man, get out!

We got some special plan for you.

We'll get y 'all. Deal with them. Hey!

Where y 'all going?

Uh, nowhere.

Uh, kid, dynamite.

Can I ask you something?

Why they call you weatherman?

Because I decide whether you go out head first or feet first.

Oh, I thought it was because your breath is like a tornado.

I don't like nobody holding me like that. Check them, see if they packing.

You can't be tickling.

Don't ask, don't tell.

Don't. Oh, hey.

Argyle, you got to be kidding me.

Oh, it's a gift from my wife.

That woman don't love you.

Hey, look, we just want our money back. I didn't take any money from you. Yes,

you did.

One of your flunkers gave us the empty TV box and split the thing, you job

turkey.

Let's get one thing straight, okay? See, I got plenty of paper, but that's

because I don't give it back.

Now, see, I think y 'all here for something else.

No, no.

Now, who brought you here, huh? No.

Huh, short set, Sammy?

Who brought you here? I know you ain't calling nobody short sets.

You got one more time to hit my hat. This is my good hat. What you going to

then, fat man?

Nothing. I'm going to fix it up. Is it all right? You like the way it's bent

right here? Hey, look, look. We didn't come here to spit the job.

We just came here to get our moolah back. And once we get our moolah back,

we'll plant you there and dig you later.

You dig?

Man, what year is on your calendar?

Man, what year is your calendar? Why don't you shut your mouth up? I'm

my mouth. Let me holler at you for a second while we're here. Get over here.

don't move. I won't move. We're not moving. Stay right here.

I said don't move. I like what you're done with the place. This is a chicken

place. Look at here. Is this real velvet?

What do y 'all think y 'all going?

And what is that?

It won't happen again.

You know what? I beg that short set. Give me that phone.

Keep calling people short set. Yo, short set, I got your boys over here, man.

But they'll call you back from the hospital.

You want to take me to the hospital? I'm allergic to meat. I don't like meat.

Watch out for the place in the pool.

All right.

Who gonna break?

You.

I'd rather play Uno.

Drop on, sucker.

Oh, girl, you do not want your baby to see you looking all tore up like that.

That's why babies come out crying, because a mama's like you.

Buy yourself a nice little wig.

Well, buy your baby a wig.

Okay, when your baby's born with tore up hair like yours, you're gonna wish you

bought a wig.

You're going to say, oh, I should have bought a wig for Renee.

It's going to be too late.

Renee, you were going all out to sell these wigs.

Obviously, you worked this hard since you dropped that quarter behind the

vending machine.

Come on, Derek. Buy a couple more wigs for your so -called girlfriends. Come

I mean, I would, but, you know, I like everything of my women to be real.

Get your mind out the gutter.

That's not what it was.

Renee?

I heard we met our goal.

That's great, right?

Yes.

Good. And no?

Why no?

Okay, well, I exaggerated totals just a little bit. How little bit?

For a one, two thousand dollars.

Two thousand dollars? I know. Let me take this to BDS for you. What's going

How could you do something like that?

Because you were so proud of me and I didn't want to let you down.

You should have been honest.

That's why I should just go on and tell you that there's a TV crew on their way

over to do a story on the fundraiser.

But we didn't raise enough money, Renee.

Awkward.

Well, look, the good news is this morning when I realized we weren't going

make enough money, I called the wig company and gave them your credit card

number for the balance.

You what? Don't hit my face! Don't hit my face! I can't believe you did that!

Well, all my cards are maxed out ever since the new edition broke up. Look,

better fix this or you're behind this time.

Okay, look.

They said we have 24 hours to cancel. So if we raise the money in the right

amount of time, they won't charge your card.

See?

Hey, where you going?

The delivery room.

Sell some wigs to some bald -headed babies.

So what do you want?

In the head or the knee? How about if we do it on Colonel's knee? It is knee.

Hey,

y 'all, we were waiting for you.

And who are you?

The Kansas City Kittens.

Meow.

Kansas City?

Who y 'all working for, Moe?

Yeah, Moe. Moe, Moe.

Where's Manny and Jack? I need to tell you to shut up. I thought they was with

him. Yeah, we with Moe, and he don't like wet.

What'd you say? I said, give me what I came here for so we can get out of this

joint. You tell Moe that Skinny Wise ain't giving us a bit of trouble.

Take it easy, little mama. Take it easy.

Yeah, and this, this is for Brown's TV.

And this is for hitting me.

What you got?

I know you got something.

What is this?

Snickerdoodle. I started to snap the snickerdoodle.

Let that be a last job, turkey.

I ain't starting no more.

You ain't got to hold me. You ain't got to hold me. Man, get out of here. Come

on, man. Just let me shoot. Wait a minute.

Let me... Curl it up.

I last saw him in the gift shop. Okay, thanks. I got to catch him. Oh, wait.

if you see him before I get back, could you please tell him that the news

conference is canceled?

You do that, I'll owe you big time.

Oh, but wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What? Um, big enough to, uh... Oh!

What? You were selfish.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Renee

Smith. I'm DeMarlo Webb. Oh, yeah.

I know who you are, man. You're on the TV.

I do broadcast class.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, look at me, look at me.

I'm Derek Porter, your reporter, reporting the report.

Don't quit your day job.

Okay, let's get a shot of these wigs here.

Hey.

Hey, uh, Damalo Webb.

How you doing? What are you doing here? I'm doing a story on the fundraiser.

Oh, you know, well, my wife works on that project.

This is my beautiful wife. Hi.

Where's Renee?

Oh, she's looking for him.

Hey,

Derek. Ooh.

Hey, Renee.

DeMarlo's here.

Thanks, Cisco.

Hey, girl.

Isn't there something you'd like to tell Mr. DeMarlo?

Hi. Uh,

you should have seen Dr.

Brown rocking that Rick James wig.

Dr. Brown, you wore a wig in support of this fundraiser?

Well, actually, my wife and I were doing a little bit of roofing. Hey, you're so

supportive.

Oh, I tell you, that man.

That sounds like a great angle. Would you mind if I interviewed you on camera?

Oh, not at all.

Can I speak to you for a minute, please?

Baby, let your man get this TV interview, okay?

Let's go ahead and get this set up here.

I'll report this report.

Newsflash, you are not a reporter.

Hi,

we're here at Green County General, where people are wearing wigs to...

trying to kill us! They're trying to kill us!

They're coming!

Have the kids!

Have the wife! What happened?

Scammy!

Why? Weather!

Weather! Hey, I'm a full -fledged reporter now. I don't do the weather

Yeah, this is DeMarlo Webb. See, he's here doing a story on our fundraiser.

all the people that donated.

Is that a hospital?

And here they are. These gentlemen have decided to donate this large amount of

cash to Harry Hart.

It's here with a heart.

Wherever they donated.

So how much are you donating today?

Tell them about the many thousands that you decided to donate. You're live on

Channel 7 News.

We're live here reporting.

Tell us, blue suit man and black suit man.

Look, Skinny White, weatherman, you're on TV where the police and witnesses

who you are.

So if you hurt us and they know who you are and they know where to find you,

Skinny White, weatherman, now tell us what you have to say.

Hi, Mom.

I thank y 'all for the donation, Skinny Weatherman.

I'm Dr.

Brown.

She's sassy.

Make my day, sucker.

She's saved.

Praise the Lord, John Turkey.

He's a soldier.

My feet hurt.

And he's sanctified.

The devil is alive.

The OGs coming to your hood because we couldn't stop them.

Can we move yet? Be quiet and look cool.