Original subtitles

No. Pull it, nephew. Pull it.

I'm trying.

Man. Uncle Brian, you got these all tangled up. What are you going to do

these? Do they even work?

We're about to find out. Here we go. You sure this is safe?

Nephew! I'm going to kill my nephew.

Nephew!

Nephew! I got you.

You should have seen your face.

That ain't funny.

You scared me. You keep doing that, you're going to be on my new show.

When uncles attack.

That ain't funny. You scared me. I thought you was gone, you was gone.

Oh, hey, guys. Hey, baby, what's up? Hey, Cora. Y 'all are getting the lights

together for the Christmas play. Yes, it's going to be a great show. You know

what? It's going to be my rectorial debut.

Directorial debut, Mr. Brown.

Whatever.

Look, I really appreciate you all volunteering for the play. Thank you.

Volunteering? Nobody volunteering. I thought I was getting paid.

Your payment is when you see those smiles on those kids' faces. It's

enough. No, it ain't. I can't pay no bills with no smile.

What are they going to call the phone company and say, hello?

I ain't got no money, but cheese.

Daddy, what are you getting me for Christmas?

Nothing? Well, I'll kill you and eat your reindeer.

Yeah,

dear, dear.

Help me, Lord. Help me, Lord.

Shh, shh. Don't say nothing to me. Don't say nothing to me.

Take five and get out of here.

I can't work under these conditions.

You can't make me go.

Brianna, we heard you the first 25 times. And I hate this stupid play.

We understand.

Now go and do the stupid play and get me in it, too.

What?

Okay, look here. What are you on, diva time?

Why are you late?

Let me think.

You left me.

You know what? What we need is less excuses and more dedication.

Now be gone and let me marinate in my genius. You know I'm a genius. Be gone.

Oh, let me set the theme.

As I write this script from the lonely past.

Single him and cue him, cue.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I need you to go that way.

Uncle Brown?

Yes?

You know I minored in theater in college, right? Well, right now you're

in getting on my nerves. Now move yourself from me. Go away. Get out of my

space.

Seriously.

Seriously. I mean, come on. Just give me a chance.

I'll prove it to you. I can act. Why don't you act like a tree and get out of

here? Okay.

That's a good one. You ready?

No, I mean act like a tree and go away.

You mean leave?

Exactly. Bye.

Oh, my bad.

Okay, y 'all turn up my set.

is missing his Christmas tree.

Oh, all this tree needs is a little TLC.

No, what that tree needs is a Lou Rawls telethon.

Oh, be like that. Now, Cobra, get this big piece of porcelain out of here

my dear comes smoking. Oh, you don't be like that. No, you don't be like that.

Okay, off of my scene.

What? Cobra, shh, be quiet. I need to see. Miss Brown, can I talk to you for a

minute? Sure, sure. Talk with me. Walk with me. Don't you see I'm busy?

Walk with me.

Um, you know that tree that you just hit? I'm going the other way.

Um, yeah, well, that tree... Okay, Ms. Brown, can you listen to me? Yes.

Okay, that tree may not have been the best, but that was the tree that was in

our budget.

Ah, budget smudget. Do you think Diana Ross was thinking about a budget when

was sowing the American flag?

What? That was Betsy Ross sold the flag. I can't work like this. I'll be back

after lunch. I'll be in my trailer. I can't work under these circumcisions.

I need a frappe latte with a cup of trouble.

Benny for short.

I'm Joaquin.

What's that?

Shake hands with my dad.

Put it up.

Look at all these toys.

Kids here are lucky. They're going to clean up.

Yeah, you can really come up if you know how to work the system.

How do you know?

My mom works here.

Oh, is that why you're here?

I've been in and out of this place for three years.

It's my heart, but...

I don't let it slow me down.

Oh, you staying here?

Nah, I'm waiting on Will and Sasha.

Please don't tell me your dad's a funny -looking dude in the big pants.

Oh, no, that's Mr. Brown.

He looks crazy.

Reminds me of a big box of crayons. He is, but in a good way.

Who's the babe?

Brianna?

She's half -sister, half -werewolf.

I think I'm in love.

I think I'm thick.

Okay, Carmen.

Okay, I want you to put both hands on it. I want you to work the mantle.

You're a singer.

Yes, you've been singing with singers since singers been singing.

Work the fireplace and let the fireplace work you.

You ready? Close your eyes. You got to open them into it.

Happy!

It's got one thing to say. Oh, okay, okay.

Cut, cut, cut!

That was three things, Mr. Brown.

Herbert, you sing in silent night, but that's what you're going to be hearing,

silent tonight.

Because ain't nobody going to be able to hear you.

What? Herbert, you got to project.

Sing it from your diagram.

It's a diagram.

Stop being nasty.

Okay, okay, I'm going to try again. I'll try again. Never mind. You done gave me

a headache for Christmas.

overboard. That's because your name ain't on nothing.

This is my show. I wrote, I writ, I directed, and I star in my own show.

That's what I did. Mr. Brown, nobody writes, direct, and act in their own

Anyway, this is my show. You can't tell me nothing. Go do something. Get out of

my face. Go away.

You've been cut out of the film. You'll be on the floor.

Trees bigger than this. Get this out of my face.

Go change a bedpan or something.

All right.

Look, Mr. B, we've been talking. Yes, we've been talking. Well, y 'all should

have been over there rehearsing.

That's just it. We're not actors.

Yeah, we're not actors. I know that. I can see that plain as day.

We're trying the best that we can. Yeah, the best that we can.

Okay, you two and your left parent here need to realize this is my show.

You can be about me or you can read about me. Be about it or read about it.

I want you to think about your daddy, who you never met.

You'll never get to meet him because he met your mama while she was drunk. That

ain't what we're talking about.

Be the picture.

And acting.

Daddy, why did you never give me nothing for Christmas?

Nephew, that was... I felt that in... Okay,

nephew, this time, I want you to go deeper in yourself.

I want you to be like Gary Coleman was in Roots. Think that.

Run. Run.

Run. Wait, wait, wait.

Get in the scene.

obviously didn't give you acting lessons, nephew. What the what?

You're fired.

Go home. If you say something, I'm going to go off.

Leave while I got to steal a little respect for you because I'm about to

Okay, can I try just one more time?

Is there anybody else around here that's a true lesbian like me?

Look, I brought some old friends. They're going to help you with your

show, okay? Who?

I want you to be nicer to them than you was to us, okay? You got BB and CC

because they can save the show.

I got some friends. You better not have Ashford and Simpson. You got them.

You be nice to them. Come on in, guys. Come on.

What the what?

Ashford and Simpson, you done cut your hair. Look at you.

Ella, look, I'm not going for none of your bull today, Brown. Curtis, Curtis,

just calm down. Just keep it calm. Keep it calm.

Brown, please, you're going to have to excuse Curtis. He's just...

Being his usual cranky self.

Well, you know, when I get a little cranky, I put a little more fiber in my

diet.

You don't say nothing about diets.

Ella's already trying to starve me to death.

I'm not trying to starve you to death. Baby, you're worth more to me alive than

dead.

That's it.

You want to die?

Well, I can't see it from here.

I can't see it from here either.

The further I go back, the bigger you get.

Things may appear larger in your rearview mirror.

Whoa!

I'm going to kill him. Curtis, you got a lot of nerve.

You got a lot of nerve, Brown.

I'm so hungry I could eat. Roger, he's going to eat us!

Don't kill us, Curtis!

Don't eat us, Curtis!

Yeah. Mr. Brown, at least you could be nice to Curtis and Ella. They came to

help. Yeah, Brown, be nice to us, baby.

It's for the kids, right?

Yeah. Okay.

Good.

I'm playing Santa.

Anything but that.

Well, why not?

Because Santa's the star and role, and it requires a special possession that

only I possess.

And what's that?

Being me.

Wait a second. I'm going to be Santa. Well, then I'm out.

in order to receive favor.

Yeah, so do me a favor, Brown, and let Curtis play Santa.

Yes. Come on, Brown.

You can't take that out of the bag.

I might want to play Santa anyway. He's stupid.

What's my first line? Santa Junior, it's Christmas Eve.

Oh, but Santa Junior, it's Christmas Eve. You know your father is busy.

Me? like this every year.

He spends time with kids all over the world. He never has time for me.

Now, that's just not true.

It is true.

I'm going to tell him how I feel.

Yo, Daddy, break yourself.

What am I doing?

He doesn't hear me. He only pays attention to those stupid letters.

I know.

I'm going to write him a letter.

Dear Dad, I want to spend time with you.

Your son, Kringle Jr.

Here I am, son.

What can I do for you?

First of all... Merry Christmas!

Get off the stage.

And who's the fake Santa?

Who you calling fake Santa?

Hold on. Hit the fence.

B -Boy Brown, what are you doing here? I'm supposed to be Santa.

This ain't in the script.

Well, Curtis Payne is my show, and I rewrote it.

You are the worst, old Grinch.

Don't hate the Santa, hate the game.

baby, but tell all of the boys and girls who you are.

Yes. I'm Joaquin.

So, little Wachovia, why don't you just tell everybody what Santa can do better

than anybody else?

Yeah, yeah. He can make a snowman.

Oh, yes!

All right. All right. You hear that? Come on, Santa. Make a snowman.

Well, let's make it happen. You heard?

Okay. One super deluxe snowman coming up.

One super deluxe snowman coming up.

How you like me now?

Okay, all right. That's good.

But watch my snowman, ladies and gentlemen.

Snowman!

Up here now!

because she can melt everything up in here.

Let us know. All right, all right.

You won the first round, all right.

What else can Santa do?

He can decorate a Christmas tree.

Yes! All right, Santa, get to decorating. Decorate a Christmas tree.

a Christmas tree happen.

All right, y 'all, here we go. Let's bring on the Christmas tree.

Shabba -da -da -ba -dee -da. Do -da -do -da.

Shabba -da -da -ba -dee -da. Ha -ha -ha -ha.

Look at the pretty tree in the light.

Christmas tree. You need a real one like this. One real Christmas tree coming

up. Bam! There it is. Thank you very much.

One real Christmas tree.

Your Christmas tree.

I'm not coming out there. You come on out. The Christmas tree.

Come on out here.

Bam!

That boy good.

That boy good.

You look funny.

christmas carol yeah a christmas carol and nobody sings a christmas carol like

old saint nick okay we're gonna let saint thick go first probably let saint

go first you ain't satay you satay give me a get up y 'all

help me and join me if you know this song and know it if you join me

give each other gifts.

Thanks, Joaquin.

This is the best gift ever.

I have to go now.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Joaquin!

I got my phone.

Joaquin? Hey,

did you get your present?

I gave it to my friend.

What are you talking about?

No, baby, look.

Look, it's right here.

You've got your name right on it.

But I gave it to Benny.

Um, who's Benny?

He's my friend. The kid who I've been talking to.

He just left.

Did you say Benny?

Yeah. Benjamin Aaron Whitaker.

You mean this Benjamin Aaron Whitaker?

Sweetheart, I don't know how to tell you this, but Benjamin actually died about

three years ago.

This whole wing is dedicated to him. His parents donated a lot of money in his

name.

You must have been an angel.

Yeah.

Yeah, he must have been an angel.

Bye. Bye.