Original subtitles

Who left the bread open?

Not me.

Who else made a sandwich?

Uh, the sandwich?

It's a bad girl.

Cute, yeah. Mr. Brown's gonna have a fit when he finds out you went in his

bread. You better be glad that he's gone.

Well, he's not gone. His car's in the driveway.

What?

I'm gonna miss their flight. Mr. Brown! Cora!

Oh, no!

I told you!

You let me eat the rest of that cover.

Now we're going to be late for the plane. I'm giving you the suitcase.

me. I'm going to get my stuff, okay?

In case we go swimming, we're going to do it. Listen, guys, just calm down. I

will drive you to the airport.

Hey, I'm going to take this ladder just in case we need to climb out the plane.

Are your suitcases packed?

Yes. No.

Carver, this is all your fault. Stop saying the same thing I'm saying. Stop

copying me.

This is all you should have.

Hush your mouth. I'm the daddy.

You hush. Just grab your bags and let's go.

Okay, here. You hold this. You hold that. Let me get my shoes. Let me put my

shoes on. Where are you guys going? Mr. Brown won two tickets to a Broadway

musical. Which one?

Chairs.

Musical chairs.

Really? Yeah, yeah. It's hard to get a seat.

You're going to have to check that bag, Mr. Brown. I did. Check it.

Yes, I checked it, and I got my socks in here, and I got some drawers, and I got

everything in here. No, no, no. She means you can't carry that backpack on

plane. I tried to tell him that already.

Carver, you can't tell me. Now, why are you always in my business? You don't

never listen. Enough.

You guys are already late. Now, let's go.

Do you have an ID?

ID about what?

No, not an idea.

Identification for the plane.

Yeah, I got it, baby. I got it. I put it in my bag last night in case we was

late. I got it. Oh, so, Carver, you mean to tell me you planned this?

What are you now? You a prophet now?

What are you talking about? Okay, what am I thinking of tomorrow?

What are we going to eat? We can argue about this on the plane.

Let's go.

Okay, let's go. Hey, by the way, can you guys drop me off at my game?

Yeah, if your game is at the airport.

How about if we just had an airplane and just drive in the driveway and pick you

up, too, and pick me up and stop by and get me a soda?

I bet you haven't even been on a plane before.

Wrong.

I've been on a lot of planes.

I've been on hundreds.

Not the ones in front of a drugstore. A real plane. Oh, yes. I've been on a

plane.

Mr. Brown, are you sure you're ready for this?

Ready? Yes.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You don't know what they call me.

They call me Leroy S.

Brown. And the S is for...

Sure you're not scared of being 30 ,000 feet in the air? What? I ain't scared of

being 100 square feet in the air. I ain't scared of nothing.

I can't get my bag in here, but y 'all got all that stuff in there.

Get my bag.

I brought my own sheets, because, you know, they got them bed bugs going

there, eat you up. I had them things last year. Where's that crap?

But anyway... There.

What are you doing?

Okay, get in here.

Oh, that's better now.

Excuse me, I believe you're in my seat.

No, I believe we're in our seat.

Thank you, sir. No, my boarding pass says 27B.

Well, why don't you be moving on to your seat?

Excuse me, sir. We're traveling together. Can you just sit on the end,

Uh, no.

I paid for a middle seat.

Who pays for a middle seat?

Me.

And I won it. And I win it. And I win it. Hey, I'm looking like an elf. Well,

I'm the keebler one in the center.

Take your little stanky middle seat in. I will. Thank you.

I have you to know, I have left -hand Tourette's. That's your right arm.

Well, it's spreading fast.

And my other one arm, too.

I'm sorry, folks.

I'm sorry. Is there a problem here? No, this is my daddy's first flight.

Oh. First time dressing himself, too?

Now, that was rude.

Whatever happened to the friendless guys?

Budget cuts.

Get my seatbelt on, Carver. I had to go get my intercom, everybody.

Hello, my name is Rodney, and thank you for flying Skyplane Airlines.

Would you stop visiting, Mr. Bronson? I need to hear this. Now get my seatbelt

on. Well, those of you seated in the exit row, you may be required to assist

crew. Okay, Carver, they want us to help assist the crew. That's the true sign.

We're going to die if they can't fly. We can't die if they can't fly. Sir, we're

not going to die.

Okay? Not today. Not on my watch.

Now, in the unlikely event of a water landing... Okay, wait a minute. Hold up.

Let me put some brown in it.

You mean to tell me we're going to land on water?

Well, no, sir. It's more like a floating. It's like a water floating.

Can it float?

No, it can't float. Good point.

Oh, my gosh. Run.

Run while you still can. Carver, we're going to die in the ocean. We're going

die. Aquaculture is going to eat us up.

Sir, sir, sir, we're not going to crash. There aren't any octopuses down there.

You're going to be just fine. You just settle down.

Okay. We're not going to crash, folks, but in the unlikely event that we do,

please follow me closely because I will be the first one off this plane, okay?

Y 'all so dry.

Excuse me, where can we get something to drink, sir?

Right after me, sister.

You heard me.

want? A kidney.

I'm just kidding.

The M &M's.

No, wait.

The chocolate bar. Oh, good choice.

Well, hang on.

The potato chips.

All right.

Oh, wait.

Look, Nick, you're going to get what I give you.

Hey, I heard there's a professional baseball player here.

Yes, he is here visiting someone he hit with a wild pitch.

He's got a concussion.

That means there's two ballplayers here.

I wonder who they are.

Derek Jeter was here last year.

Wow, I wish my kidney had failed last year.

Do you think they'll sign it?

Your kidney?

No.

No, my baseball.

Of course.

Yes, yes, I'm sure they will.

Let me go find a nurse to take you back to your room, okay?

Okay.

You really

are here.

Yeah, of course I'm here. I'm always here.

Well, are you coming from practice?

Yeah, I stole a base, hit two home runs, and a bat boy.

Could you sign my baseball?

Um, yeah, sure.

Meeting a pro ball player is all I've ever wanted.

Wait, but I'm not a... Besides getting well.

Oh, so, uh, who do I sign it to?

Nicola, my biggest fan. All right, Nicola, there you go.

I'm going to go show everybody.

Okay, well, wait, wait.

Hey, baller.

I got something for you to sign.

What? A write -up for impersonating somebody you know you ain't.

Well, that's not illegal.

It was when I told that traffic cop I was Halle Berry.

Who knew she had two strikes?

Uh, the two people she hit and rolled over.

Anybody else who read Jet Magazine.

But besides, come on.

I'm just helping out a little sick kid.

No, you're wrong, Derek. You know you're wrong.

Am I?

Yes. Okay, look, maybe you're right.

I'll tell him the truth as soon as I see him.

So as soon as you see him, you're going to tell him? Yeah, as soon as I see him.

As soon as you put your eyes, your green eyes on him. I didn't tell him. As soon

as I see him, but I ain't no ball player.

See, I told you he was here.

Hi, it's so good to meet you.

I'm Nicholas' sister, Diane.

Yeah, I'm Derek Jetersenberg.

Yeah, I'm a professional baseball player.

Uh, left fielder, yeah.

I, uh, I play with A -Rod and Stein.

Are we there yet?

Are we there yet? If you mean on my last nerve, you got there 20 minutes ago.

Mr. Brown, we're still on the runway. The airport is right there.

It's too close. We gonna be done crashed into it. We're on the ground.

See? We done already crashed and ain't nobody even say nothing.

We must have did a soft crash.

You know they soft crash?

Soft crash? Yes.

Why are we stopping?

Because God hates me.

No, we stopped because we done ran out of gas.

Somebody passed the hat and passed the money. I got two on it.

You got a gas call. We can borrow and fill up a plane.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry. It's me. It's Rodney again.

Hi. I'm sorry to inform you we will be returning to the gate for maintenance.

Oh. We're delayed?

Just for a few minutes, ma 'am.

Maybe longer.

Excuse me, I'd like to change my seat. I'm sorry, sir, the flight's full. No,

another plane.

Carver, is there duct tape on the plane?

Carver, we gonna die later.

Mr.

Brown, there's nothing wrong with the plane, all right? It's just routine, I

promise you. There's absolutely nothing to worry about. Are you sure?

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Everything's fine.

Right. No need to worry.

See a smoke coming out of engine three?

There's ought to be a lot flying around in this firetrap.

Don't get me started on that bot -toothed cross -eyed pilot.

I don't know which cousin he married.

Hello?

How's this thing on?

Y 'all can die.

Wake up and die.

Everybody, I told you we're going to die in a potty. Gross at it. That's what we

find in the summer. Mr. Brown, Mr. Brown, I am authorized and I will take

down. You get out of my way.

Yo,

Renee, thank you so much for keeping this thing quiet. Look, as soon as I get

Diane's number, I'm going to come clean. No problem.

Derek, you know I got your back.

Your back.

Step right up, step right up and take a picture with a famous professional

baseball player.

idea keeping things quiet nope this is my idea of making a profit stupid idea

get on over here kid i'm putting a stop to this listen stop flashing that thing

in my eyeball okay

It's really sweet of you to do this for these kids. Oh, thank you. So how about

you and I take a picture together, free of charge? Okay, this is coming out your

pay.

All right, yeah.

There you go.

Look, why don't you write your number down, and I'll deliver this photo to you

myself.

Okay. All right, sounds good.

Derek, the toilet's overflowed again.

What are you telling him for?

Don't you know who this is?

Yes, this is Derek, the guy who cleans our toilets.

Here you go.

Uh, yeah. You know, I donate my time to help all these kids out. And I unclog

toilets. Yeah!

Derek, get back to work, please.

Wait.

What's going on here?

Uh, I don't know.

But it really looks suspect.

Derek Jetersenberg here with Taking Pictures with All the Kids.

Really?

Wow. And why would the kids want to take pictures with... Janitor Giersenberg,

huh?

The janitor?

Uh, yeah, that's my nickname, you know, because I back clean up. Yeah!

Yeah!

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

You know you're the janitor. The janitor? By day?

Yeah. But by night, I'm a... a student.

And a janitor. And a janitor.

do this to the kids come on girl janitors need love too oh

so disappointed in you jerry i cannot believe after everything i believed in

girl you should have bought these baseballs and stuff all

right move your knees please thank you move your feet

ma 'am could you move your father

this. Don't.

Carver, that bathroom was small. I mean, everything was just touching.

Everything. Don't touch me. Sorry, can I get you folks anything?

Coffee? Peanuts? A concussion?

Yeah, I'll have a coffee and a tranquilizer. Sorry, sir, I can't get

medication. It's for him.

Let's see what I can do.

Oh, I'll take water and peanuts, please.

Coming right up.

Heads up. Go long.

Oh, thanks.

You're welcome. Good catch.

What about you, sir?

Yes, I'll have a bundle of pink cotton candy. I only like the pink.

And let me have some toaster roll candy and a hot link with some sauerkraut and

some bell peppers and onions. What kind of mustard y 'all have?

Oh, we got fancy Dijonais.

Shut up! You shut up! Are you out of your mind?

I'm walking around with a hot dog cart. You're the one wearing clown pants, but

I didn't hear your nose a -honking.

Excuse me.

I'd like to change my order.

I'll take a bullet to the head.

I didn't wake up and deserve this today. Anything else I can get you, God? I

guess that means you are the hot link.

One tranquilizer, one bullet. Coming right up.

I want to watch a movie.

Y 'all want to watch a movie?

Why don't y 'all want to see something funny or a drama?

Open the door and I'll show you Gone with the Wind.

That's a good one.

That's a good one. I don't think so.

You've got such a nasty attitude.

Where's my bullet?

Where's my hot link?

And where's my savior?

Well, swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry

me home.

I'm a swing low.

Carver, we so close to heaven, I think the Lord just knocked on the door.

It was turbulence.

Okay, which angel is that?

No, it means he was hitting rough air.

You was hitting rough air?

nasty you should be ashamed of yourself calm

down i'm sure everything will be fine

Okay, I deserve that.

Look, I'm sorry for not being honest with you.

I just saw how much you wanted to meet a baseball player, and I thought... Cut

the crap. You just wanted to impress my sister.

No, no, no. Did it work?

Yeah. She likes bad boys.

She dated Wesley Snipes.

Now, wait. If you remember, I lied before I met your sister.

Oh. And you want points for that?

Yeah, man. I think I earned them.

But look, on the real little man...

Look, I just got caught up in the moment, all right? I got a little

about all the attention.

But I really enjoyed seeing the smiles on all your little kids' faces.

You know, I almost believe that.

It's true.

Come on, can you forgive me, champ?

I guess.

Look, man, what do I have to do to make it up to you?

You have two kidneys, right?

What about a sewing kit?

Over here.

Come on, Nicholas.

It's time for dinner.

Okay, Derek, will you visit me later?

I sure will, slugger.

Bring him up.

I'll be there in a second.

I heard what you said.

You did, huh?

I think what you did for my brother was unbelievable.

Yeah, well, you know, main thing for the kid.

That's the kind of guy I am.

So, um, can I call you sometime?

No. Wait, why not?

I only date ballplayers. What? I play for the peachy bad boys. I'm the baddest

boy. Doesn't that count for something?

Oh, yes.

Lord, it's Mr. Brown again.

I'm sitting here in second class.

Lord, I know I done told you this before, but I just want to thank you for

inventing ham.

Mr. Brown.

No, he also invented silence.

Oh, why don't you be silent? I'm talking to the Lord.

Lord, I want to let you know that if you land this plane, I will be nice to

Edna. Yes, I said it. I'll be nice to Edna. I'll take her for nice walks in

park. With a leash, of course.

And I promise to have her flea dipped.

Mr. Brown. Yes.

You can open your eyes. We've landed.

We didn't crash.

It's good. That pilot's getting better.

I was doing fine until someone wet their pants.

It wasn't me.

I filled my drink.

Sure.

I'm so happy to be home.

Yes, I'm going to have a good time in New York.

Have fun.

The Big Orange.

The city where everybody sleeps.

It's the Big Apple.

Same thing. They're all vegetables.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Dallas.

What? Texas?

What?

New York City. Are you sure? We got to get a GPS.

Fashion your seatbelts. We're cleared for takeoff.

No!

What the what?

Lord, this brand.

If you land this plane safely, and by safely, I mean not in a ball of... flame

so the plane all blew up and everything.

I promise to never, ever, ever, ever eat ham after Easter.

That is, of course, if Easter's land on a Sunday and if that's the case, I'm

trying that pork up.

I'm eating me some pig.

I'm going to eat me a quarter of it and then I'm going to tear it up.

Excuse me, sir.

This plane is ready to take off.

How do you know? You're just a janitor.

I'm also the pilot.

Bloody cats.