Original subtitles

Oh, yes, Cora.

Mr. Brown, you got gas?

No, Cora, nobody got no gas.

Mr. Brown, I think you're sitting up here farting at the table.

I told you, Cora, that is not me. If that was me, I'd melt everything in this

house. Set it on fire, Cora.

Mr. Brown. That's that pipe upstairs. I told Jesus he need to go up there and

lay some pipe.

I've been telling him the very same thing ever since he's been here.

Good morning,

Miss... Ignorance.

Ignorance. Ignorance.

Mr.

Brown, I'm sorry, but I thought my food was upsetting your stomach, Mr. Brown. I

know. Corrie, you know I love your cooking, but the people at the church,

can't stand it. What?

Quiet is kept. That's why Pastor ain't been preaching.

You messed up his intestines.

What? Told his lower intestines right out of his body.

Oh, yeah.

Corey, he's not safe. He's speaking in tongues. Let him have his way.

Rock like this. That's how you rock. Mr. Brown.

He's serious.

Jesus, are you okay? What's wrong?

My father's coming to visit me. He's going to be here this afternoon.

Really? What the fuck is the rejoice about?

Not really.

I've been keeping a big secret from him.

I knew it. You done come out the closet, haven't you?

I knew it. The way you was looking at me with lust in your eyes and love in your

heart for me.

I knew it. I knew it. That's why that boy hasn't been to my room.

No, Edna, I think it's something else.

Actually, I told my father that I graduated from law school three years

Oh. Well, why would you tell him that? You still got a year left to go.

I know. I didn't want to disappoint him. His dream has always been for me to be

a big shot rich lawyer with a huge house with servants.

Oh, really? You're going to be a rapper?

Now go fix that pipe, will you?

Mr. Brown.

Mr. Brown.

Do you have gas?

Anyway, what are you going to do about it, huh?

I don't know. I'm not sure. If only I really did have a huge house with

servants.

Wait a second. A cook?

A maid?

And a butler?

What? You talking about butler? Me?

Yeah, I need you to pretend to be a butler for a day.

Unless you spell your name J -E -S -U -S, I'm not doing it.

I do.

Can you walk on water?

serving nobody but the Lord. I'm not going to be no server. You ain't going

get me to do it.

Corbett, don't ask me no more. I told you I'm not doing it, and don't ask me.

Come on, Mr. Brown. Jesus is a good man, Daddy.

Please, look.

Please. Corbett, get out of my face. That's not going to work this time.

I told you I'm not doing it. It's only staying one night, Brown. Please. I

refuse to dress up looking like a penguin.

Now, look here. I'm not going to be dressing and walking around looking like

servant. I have my dignity.

And yet you dress like that.

Miss Edna, come on. We're going to get our costumes, and I'm going to be the

cook. I think I'll be the upstairs maid.

We're going to have so much fun.

What about me? What can I be?

Brian, we're not going to beg you. Come on, Cora.

Cora, you can beg me.

Cora, come beg your daddy.

Don't make me beg you to come beg me to beg me, Cora.

I can be Vincent. I want to play.

Thanks for the suit, Colonel. I appreciate it.

I'll have it back in a couple of days. Hey, London, I've been looking for you

all day.

No, can't talk to you right now. I've got to go get ready. My dad is coming to

visit me.

Me too.

Well, why is my dad coming to visit you?

No, my father's coming to see me. I need to ask you a favor.

Um, last season, burn that suit.

Uh, no, not that London. It's something else.

Oh, well, I told you I'm busy.

He's flying in just to see me and take me to dinner.

Great. You can introduce him to your new boyfriend.

Which one?

This one. Me.

Was that you last night?

Wow.

I should really stop drinking.

London, I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend for a day.

Why?

So I can impress my father.

Well, I think that falls under personal appearances, and my manager charges a

lot for that.

Please, London, please. I don't have a lot of money. I need this favor, please.

I know.

You don't have a lot of money.

And that sucks.

Okay. Would you do this for me?

Well, I guess helping a minority is like serving my community's service.

And I'll get frequent flyer miles, right?

Yes, yes, you will. You'll get lots of them.

The unauthorized use of any cameras or electronic devices of any kind is

strictly prohibited.

I'm not responsible for any damage, physical or emotional. Okay, that's

I'm not done yet.

No eye contact, no touching, no pet names, and nothing French.

Okay, so you're going to do it, right?

Do what?

He's here, everybody.

Jesus Father is here.

Is this the Hernandez residence?

Oui, oui, chérie.

Francisco Hernández.

Mademoiselle Edna.

May I kiss your hand? That would be a good start.

I love the way you roll your thumb when you see Hernández.

Entrez -vous, monsieur.

Monsieur, your...

Visitor is here. Your puppy.

Papa, it's so good to see you. Jesus, mi hijo.

Welcome to my home. I want you to meet my

beautiful girlfriend.

Baby! Who are you talking to?

Baby, my father's here.

I'm baby.

Other than Sheridan, that's your girlfriend?

Yep, this week.

You must be Mr.

Hernandez.

And she must be the reason why you never call.

Welcome to our country.

It's so nice to meet you.

Thank you.

I believe the term is grassy ass.

Nice. Very smart.

And bilingual.

No, no, you silly alien.

I only like boys.

Well, I'm going to go upstairs and do some girlfriend stuff.

Okay, baby, how about a kiss before you...

Touch me.

She's not so good at public displays of affection.

Oh, that's not what I heard, son.

I saw the video.

Papa, where are you going?

I'm going to go get my stuff. Please, let my butler get them.

You have a butler?

Of course I have a butler.

I said of course I have a butler! Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

This is Leroy Brown, my butler.

Yes. Hello. How are you this afternoon, sir?

Cheerio. Tap, tap on this.

Here are my keys. My stuff's in the car. What are you waiting for?

Don't spend it all in one place.

Let me show you the rest of the house. It's real nice upstairs.

All right.

Now, you should really explain to me, Roy, the difference between a butler and

bellboy. I know you didn't just call me boy. Them days are over.

What the hell is that you got on your head?

This is a two -flake.

A what?

Two to the flake.

How's your drink, Papa?

This Margarita has no kick.

Kick? I'm all right. Give me a kick.

Leroy, where's the tequila?

It's up in the alcohol store with all the other alcohol.

I'm going to hear your keys.

I'm going to get the tequila.

Did you see that?

Why don't you fire him?

I can't fire Mr. Brown.

There's something I should tell you.

It's a little fly on your shoulder.

Okay, but first, a toast.

Vamos.

To my son, Jesus.

I always knew you could do it.

My belief in you has paid off.

I am so very proud of you.

Is anything wrong?

I think that's the first time I've heard you say that you are proud of me.

Of course I'm proud of you.

And if I was still talking to your mother, esa sucia mujer que... I would

her and tell her.

What do you want to tell me?

Nothing. I forgot.

Okay, well, I have something else to tell you. I decided to spend more time

my successful son.

My business can take care of itself.

Jesus, I'm moving in!

He sure hates you.

I need to speak with you now.

Now.

Yes,

Mr. Brown. Yes, Mr. Brown. Now, don't come here trying to talk all night.

I'm going to tell you this, and I'm going to tell you once, I'm going to

you twice.

He can't stay here. He is not welcome, welcome, welcome.

Mr. Brown, calm down.

Ain't nobody calming down. Mr. Brown, I'm going to take him out to dinner.

tell him the truth at the restaurant. I promise. I'll tell you what. If you

don't tell him... I'm going to make you an Orfino Taddeo.

You got that?

I'm not playing this. Jesus.

I don't want to eat here.

Hey, Roy.

Go out and get us some tequila.

London,

why don't you call up some of your amiguitas?

I can do that.

Hey, Cora, fire up something.

And what do you want me to do?

Go handle that later.

You're going to need a shot.

You're going to have us a big batanga.

You better stop cussing in my house.

Mr. Brown, pachanga means a big festive celebration.

Well, what happens at P .F. Changa stays at P .F. Changa.

Oh, I think I'll go in the garage and see if I can find me a sombrero.

Okay, listen up. Ain't nobody having no chimichangas or no picachangas or

nothing in this house because I'm sick of it.

I tell you what.

Either you do it or I'm going to deport him myself. You're going to get him out

of here. Come on. I'm not playing. Come on. I'm not playing.

I'm going to talk to him. Hold on. Hold on, Mr. Brown. Mr. Brown, I will tell

him. I promise. I'll tell him the truth.

Gosh, baby.

This is way too much. I can't handle this.

You are breaking rule number 13, mister.

Just leave it alone.

No touching.

Report when you're going to be here.

You're not coming, but you promised you were... Oh, well, business first.

No, I understand.

All right, bye.

Oh, wait, Daddy.

Daddy, hello?

This is quite a house.

Thank you. Thank you so much. That wasn't a compliment.

This is...

With all the money you have, we should get a better house.

This place is a dump.

Excuse me, monsieur. Have a seat.

Right here.

Scoot up close here.

Scoot up.

That's enough. I don't want you to get nothing on your nice little zoot suit.

I like this house, papa.

So do I.

You would, Leroy.

This place looks like it was decorated by Bed Bath & Beyond Ugly.

Okay, look, that's it. Either you tell him or I'm about to tell him. Tell me

what? I... Nothing.

Hot dog.

And I don't mean the chicken.

You know, you remind me...

The first woman I ever loved.

Oh, how romantic.

Who was she?

A lovesick senorita or an insatiable flamingo dancer?

No. She was my abuelita.

Abuelita.

What a... Wait a minute. Doesn't that mean grandmama? Yes.

She was a sweet old woman.

Let's see. You don't have your napkin on. Let me help you.

There we go.

Miss Hector.

It's a little tight. How is that?

A little too tight.

Ta -da.

Love it? Thank you.

Mother.

It looks more like it's suffocated.

You got a problem with my cooking? Excuse us. I don't like the way you cook

something that nice.

Miss Cora, it's not my cooking.

Who is she?

She's my boss's daughter.

Your boss?

And who's your boss?

You're looking at him now, Pancho.

That's your boss?

Yep.

Leroy!

They call me Mr.

Brown.

If he is your boss, then what do you do around here?

I'm the handyman.

You mean you're the janitor?

If that's what you'd rather call me, I'm okay with that.

Well, I'm not okay with that.

I didn't sacrifice all my life, work seven days a week so that you could push

broom.

I thought you wanted to be a lawyer. That's what you wanted me to be, a

I never wanted that for myself.

It was you. Excuse me. Jesus, what are you talking about?

Jesus, get back here!

You're the one with the problem, Mr. Hernandez.

You don't have nothing nice to say about anyone, not even your own son. Yes, I

do. Don't let me finish.

He lied because he wanted your approval.

He went through all of this, all of this, just to make you proud of him.

And this is how you treat him.

And he still ain't fixed them pipes.

Mr. Brown, play off the pipes.

Okay, fine.

I'll go talk to him.

He's got to be good.

Hey, what are you doing out here?

Hey, I'd rather not talk about it.

Where's your dad?

Not coming.

What happened?

Well, it's the same as always.

Something came up.

So I bought myself a tennis bracelet to make me feel better.

He says it's business, but I know he just doesn't want to come and see me.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, my father and I just had a big fight.

At least he came to visit.

Not really.

He just cares about his son, the lawyer.

He's too busy to know the real me.

That's how I feel.

I just wish for once my dad would come and spend time with me instead of spend

his money on me.

That's my dad's number one concern, too, money.

I guess we're on the same boat, huh?

Not exactly.

Mine's a yacht.

Hey, hey.

Thanks for pretending to be my girlfriend.

Even if it was just for one day.

Any time.

No.

You know the rules.

See, Corbin, this is what lying will do to you. The Bible says a liar won't

tarry. And this is why we're tied now. We're just tied from lying.

Hey, guy.

Look, I appreciate everything you did for me, but I really should have told my

father the truth from the beginning.

Jesus, you are a good man, and I would be proud to have you as my son.

I'd be proud just to have you.

You hear that?

I'd be proud if you go up there and fix that pipe.

No problem, Mr. Brown. I'll get my tools and fix it. All right, thank you.

Whoa, look like somebody got baptized.

I hope they exorcise them mean daddy demons you got.

Shh,

shh, shh. Y 'all hear that?

Sound like an apology.

Nope, it left the room.

Papa, what happened? It's okay, Jesus. I fixed the pipe.

Mira, hijo, when I first got to this country, I was also a janitor.

I'm sorry I lied to you, Papa.

Jesus, you're my son.

You can tell me anything.

So what if you're not a big, fancy lawyer yet?

Does that mean that London's not your girlfriend?

Yeah, that's what it means.

I'm gonna go change my clothes.

Okay. Uh, hey, uh, how about my butler? Did you like my butler?

What happened to your hair?

Well, it looked too much like yours, and I didn't want you to be jealous.

Here you go, Leroy.

Keep the change.

What is this? What am I gonna do with $20?

Jesus, you better hold me back, because I'm about to kill your daddy. You don't

know me.

I'll fight. I'll fight you out.