Original subtitles

Hey, you.

Who, me?

Yeah, you on the couch.

Is this pitiful life really fit for you?

Not really.

Don't change that channel.

Can you see me?

Wouldn't you like to be rich?

Duh, wouldn't we all like to be rich?

Then let me hear you say, I can be a mogul. I can be a mogul. Louder. I can

mogul.

Call now for your full -proof infant wealth kit.

I can be a mogul.

Okay, how much is it? Just four E .D. payments of $29 .95.

Now, isn't that E .D.? Yeah, it's going to be easy.

Just dial 5 -5 -5.

5 -5 -5.

5 -5 -5.

5 -5 -5.

S -T -A -M.

Slow down.

S -T -A -M.

Okay. What's it called again?

Now,

say it with me. Who can read all that fast writing? I can

be a mogul.

Louder. I can be a mogul. Let's do it.

Oh, I knew you'd come around.

So what?

Do what you want.

Don't be gentle.

What are you doing here? Did somebody leave the gate open at the rodeo again?

Oh, you like rodeos?

How about I wrestle you to the ground and tie your legs together?

Look, you can't just come around in my house.

Okay, well, if you didn't want me to come in, why you got to welcome Matt

outside the door?

Yeah, because it's a tradition.

Kind of like when the farmer come to milk you every morning.

What are you doing here anyway?

I didn't ask you to sit down.

I lost my job.

Well, what that got to do with me? What you doing here?

I need to be around people that care about me.

Well, what you doing here?

I didn't want to be alone.

Well, I did.

Who told you to come over here anyway? Now I got to go get a rapist. Why don't

you go back to the castle and get Jack back as me?

It's embarrassing how much you want me.

What the... No, I... No, I... What the what?

Oh, I'm exhausted. I was up half the night.

Half the night? Sort of. I was sound asleep in my bed, and the door opened,

I heard... Better open the window.

Them gas pills ain't working.

Morning, Thelma.

Hi. I didn't know you were here.

I did.

She pulled all the cover off of me and pushed me out of my own bed.

Well, I guess the couch here is a better place to sleep.

I'm glad you figured that out.

Make sure you take your pillow with you tonight.

That couch is as hard as my kidney stone. I feel that.

What brings you here?

Well, you know, last night I just needed to be around some good friends.

But they got better locks.

So I came over here.

So what happened?

I lost my job.

Oh, now that's terrible.

What? I lost my job.

Miss Thelma.

No, she want to know how.

you lost your job. Oh, my bad.

The transit authority talking about they making cutbacks.

That's terrible.

Are they laying everybody off on their jobs?

No, just me, radio.

People are being laid off all over the city.

Did they offer you any severance pay?

Yeah, but I can't get it till I return something I lost.

What'd you lose?

The 118 to Rockbridge.

Oh, like I'm the only one ever lost a bus.

Well, look, you found any leads on any new jobs?

Well, I was thinking about running for Congress.

Huh? But that sex tape is going to pose a problem.

Sex tape?

Oh.

Maybe you can find me something at your school.

Oh, well.

Stop this nonsense.

I don't see what I could do.

You know, maybe I should stay here.

Because I don't think I should be alone at a time like this.

That's fine, that's fine. Well, just make yourself at home.

Okay.

Could you two leave so I can be alone?

A millionaire, a thousandaire even.

All right, Brown, what's the emergency?

Colonel, you're just in time. For what?

To being on the ground floor of my new enterprise.

Look, Brown, I told you I don't need a blanket with sleeves. That's just

That'll never work.

What is in these things?

A million dollars.

What?

Wait, wait, what are y 'all doing?

There's no money in here. It's just a bunch of boxes.

I'm in the success business.

The I Can Be A Mogul program is going to make me stankin' rich.

Well, I can believe the stankin' part.

Are you sick of being broke?

Yeah, sure.

Could you use an extra thousand dollars a week?

You know it.

Well, if you want to be rich, all you have to do is say, I can be a mogul. I

be a mogul. Then you just sit back and watch the money come rolling in.

That would never work.

That's what they said to Dr.

Frankenstein when they was creating Aetna. But look at her face now.

Look. Hold on. In due time.

All right. So what's this?

This is the I Can Be a Mogul Wealth Building Program.

In this box is the key to prosperity and wealth.

All right. I like it. So how does it work? Well, I sell it to you.

You sell it to him.

I get all the money, and I'm rich.

Wait a minute. This sounds like a pyramid scheme.

Pyramid? I didn't know they had pyramids. The pyramids must be in the

boxes right there. No.

The card was right. That's a pyramid scheme.

You better be careful. Those things are scams. This is not a scam. Let me show

you. Read this right there. Read it.

Read it and leave. I made so much money, I paid off my legal fees.

O .J. Simpson.

Oh, I've heard enough.

Wait, Colonel, you can't go no way. You got to help us get some more clients.

Well, homeless doesn't pay, Brown.

Colonel, this is not just a job.

This is an opportunity of a lifetime.

This is your chance to be a major player. Do something with your life,

In other words, doesn't pay anything.

Okay, listen, wait, wait, sit down. Let me explain to you.

Now, for four or five or six easy payments of $59 .95,

And then you can be rich just like me.

I'm out of here. Yeah, I'm out of here. Did I mention that the guy that runs the

place has five mansions, three yachts, and six girlfriends?

Yeah, but who doesn't have six girlfriends?

Yeah, but his is cute.

Hmm. Okay, I'm in.

Come on, Colonel.

We can do this.

No, no, this is a bunch of hogwash. And I'm too strong -willed to get in on any

of Brown's cockamamie schemes.

Ha! Did I mention he's an ex -Marine?

Oh, super fine.

Sign me up. All right. Yeah, all right. All right, cool. So what's the first

plan? Yeah. Well, first we need a spokesman.

Somebody whose pitiful life has changed because of this program.

Somebody whose life has been turned around and set free.

Somebody like Benny the Bomb.

Benny the Bomb.

Benny the Bomb!

Hey, Brian, how's it going? Snap.

after the whole time?

My eighth in the hole.

All right. The site of Custer's last fame was that little big hole.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, the dogs is barking.

The lunchroom is down the hall. I know. I just came from there.

Can I borrow a can of mace? Mine got confiscated at the Millie Jackson

I don't have that kind of stuff.

Do your parents love you?

Well, I suggest you move before you come up missing.

What do you need with Mace?

Somebody started a fight in the lunchroom.

Who?

Me.

He be fighting on the students?

I would never hit a child, but I beat an assistant principal down.

Well, why would you hit him?

He said I had a bad attitude, dirty... Wait, wait, wait.

Look, look.

Can we talk about this later? I'm teaching a class.

Look.

Renee may have some work for you to do at the hospital. I'll call her later,

okay? Well, how about you just go wait in the cafeteria?

No way.

Do you know what they put in the food here?

The spaghetti sauce and hot ketchup.

The raspberry steak used to have a saddle on it.

And the chicken fingers?

Well, the finger part is true.

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you here, okay?

That's all right. No biggie.

So, uh, what's your future inmates studying? Well, if you would excuse us,

continue to learn about the Old West. Right, class?

Cowboys and Indians?

They're called Native Americans. I don't care what you call them. I don't trust

them. That's how they got General Custer.

Well, maybe you'll feel more comfortable waiting somewhere else.

No, that's all right.

I'll be fine here.

I think, uh, I think the kids can benefit from my experience. Go ahead

teaching. All right, well, uh...

Well, Custer was killed.

Lies. All lies.

I was there. I didn't. I didn't. They do. They do.

They do. They do.

They do.

Thank

you

so much for letting Miss Thelma come help out. She needed something to do

she found steady work, okay? No problem.

And it's only for a couple of hours.

What are you doing?

Somebody left this here.

The good book says finders keepers.

That is my purse.

And finders keepers only applies if I lost it.

And give me my handcuffs.

I need these for... Never mind.

And you can't just be standing around.

That's my job. I want you to file or something.

I did it. already. Matter of fact, I improved the system. Now it makes sense.

Well,

I need the file for the vasectomy patient.

Okay, that would be P for Peter.

You can't do that.

Why? That's his first name.

You have to go by last name. It's Johnson.

Peter Johnson?

Yes. Mr. Peter Willie Johnson.

The doctor will see you now. Thank you. Have a good day.

With a face like that, he don't need a vasectomy.

You know what? The fouling system was fine. Put it back.

Okay.

You know what? When I left to go to the lab, there were like ten people here.

Where are they?

I said I'm home.

And why would you do that? Those people were sick as hell. They needed to be in

the bed.

Okay, you know what?

Just go.

Take a break or something.

I'll do this myself.

I'll get it in order. Just go.

Fine.

I'm so irresponsible.

I'm on my nerves.

I need this space.

You know what? Old people get on my nerves.

Sorry. I was looking, but it didn't talk back to me.

This will get you as high as my blood pressure.

What did you find?

Oh.

You know, you know that, the room that says do not enter? Mm -hmm. I entered.

You got the best stuff in there.

I'll just take one little quick look.

Miss Thelma.

Mm -hmm?

You cannot steal laughing gas. This is for sick patients.

Look, Nurse Ratched, I need something to get me through the day.

Now listen, I know it's hard to believe.

And I know it's hard to obtain and realize your dreams.

But if you follow the I Can Be A Mogul program, you too, you, you, you, and you

can have all of this.

Yes, everything.

The house, the clothes.

You can have it all.

It can be yours.

You know what? They didn't believe in the clapper either.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Well,

how can I get in on this amazing offer?

I'm glad you asked, oh stranger that I've never seen before.

Listen,

for $55 .95, in your package you will receive the I Can Be A Mogul Wealth

Building Program.

That's what you will receive.

Derek.

amazing. But wait, there's more.

In your program, you will also receive, and no additional charges to me, but to

you, back charges, internet charges, and all other charges will be received

until I want to stop adding charges.

Yes, you will receive all of that.

Wow,

that is incredible.

Yes, it is incredible.

And tell me what you have to say about that.

What do you have to say? Anybody?

What you got to say?

Stranger than I've never seen. Tell me, what do you think? Are you crazy?

Yes, I'm crazy. I'm crazy.

Crazy rich.

I'm crazy rich because I believe that I can be a mogul. Anybody believe that I

can be a mogul?

I know I believe that I can be a mogul.

This program is so easy that even a bum can do it.

Yes, even a bum can learn this program.

You know what? Let's hear a testimony from a bum.

Bum.

Bum.

Bum will testify right now.

Ladies and gentlemen.

And become a moat.

Now, who want to be a moat?

Who want to be a moat?

Step right up, everybody.

Hi,

Thelma.

Is Cora here?

Let me check.

Nope.

I thought you had a job down at the school.

Well, we had a part in other ways.

But I worked at the hospital this afternoon.

Oh, that's great.

Well, a job in the medical field, that's one job you can keep for years.

You would think.

But no.

Oh, no thanks.

Cutting down on my backwash.

So, uh, you lost that one, too?

Yeah, they had a non -smoking policy.

Well, I thought you could smoke outside.

Not where we were smoking.

So, uh, what are you gonna do now?

I don't know what I'm gonna do next.

I've been a bus driver all my life.

Except for the time I was a bouncer at Chuck E. Cheese.

Those rats need protection from the hood rats and the rug rats.

Hey, Miss Edna.

Oh, there you are. I've been looking all over for you.

Why? Is somebody chasing you? No, no one's chasing me. I just spoke to

Gordon and he said that they were hiring bus drivers and you can apply.

You do have a resume, right? Oh, uh -uh. I don't do resumes.

That's how they got Lew Alcindor. What? He's alive.

Kareem Abdul -Jabbar is alive.

Lew Alcindor died in 71.

Maybe you could go down there tomorrow and apply in person.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you're highly qualified.

Thank you, Carla. I appreciate that.

You're so welcome.

You know, if there's ever anything I can do for you, don't hesitate to ask.

Okay. You know what? There is one thing. Stop right there.

You know that's just something people say.

Two words.

Get two.

One for you. One, two, three, four for me.

Two for you.

One, two, three, four, five for me.

Three for you. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven for me.

Give me that one right there.

Yeah.

You know, Brown, I hate to admit it, but this program really works.

Yeah, I know. And just think, you almost missed out on the whole thing. So

what's in the wealth building kit anyway?

I don't know. I ain't look.

What? You mean to tell me we sold 200 of those stupid things and you don't know

what's inside?

No, I was busy making so much money, I forgot to look.

It's just a DVD.

Are you sick of being broke? Is this pitiful life you're living really fit

someone like you? Now let me hear you say, I can be a mogul. I can be a mogul.

Remember Mercer Brown?

When they open those gates, they're gonna kill us.

I thought you said you couldn't sell those things, that it was a scam.

Well, you can't. Not if you look at them.

But if you were, for five easy payments of 59, 69, okay, $79 .95,

you too can be a mogul, Cory.

But wait, there's more. If you act now, we'll throw in not one, but since you

have two ears, two earrings. Put that on your earring, Cory. Look at that, Cory.

This is stupid. Give me this. You a baller.