Original subtitles

Hey, wait a minute. You mean to tell me they take fat out of her behind and they

take and put it in her lips?

I guess that's why they call it buttocks.

No, no, no.

I want my CDs, I want my VCR tapes back, and I want my scrunchies.

What? You mean to tell me your boyfriend wears scrunchies?

He got a ponytail.

Oh. Well, at least he ain't using your hot cone.

I want my hot comb.

You know, I really enjoyed myself last night. Me too.

Both times.

Stop being nasty.

Ain't that my line?

Dude, why haven't you finished this backfiling yet? It's been two hours.

That's because she's been so busy trying to break up with Scrunch Bob.

I don't think Mr. Delgado would like it if he caught you loafing around on him.

Ain't nobody got to like nothing I do. I'm a grown man. You can take me or you

can leave me. And ain't nobody going to tell me what to do because this ain't no

slavery town. You think Rosie O'Donnell sit on the back of that bus so somebody

can tell her what to do?

I think I see him coming.

Oh, I'm going to have this place violent if I have to stay all night, Mr.

Delgado.

Oh, come on, Renee.

on with you?

Nothing what?

Nothing's going on with me. Look, I've been on time. I stayed late yesterday.

Exactly. You're not yourself.

You know what? Next thing you know, you're going to be running around here

one of them crazy people in a wheelchair.

Mucho loco.

I am going to be fine, okay?

I am a survivor.

Does anybody want some Valium?

She'll be fine.

I've never seen Renee get upset over a guy for more than an hour.

Yeah, ain't nothing like when you was young, nephew. You remember that girl

used to be crazy about? Used to be lusting after her flush?

One day, nephew rode his bike from the east side to the west side, all the way

just for that girl in the summer.

Oh, baby, that's so cute.

How old were you?

Uh, he was 27.

I was not.

My birthday was the following week.

You know, Renee is strong.

She'll be fine. She will.

I

got

it. Okay.

Miss Wheeler, your insurance card has expired, so you cannot see your doctor.

Don't look at me like that.

Take the card. Take the card and go to the free clinic.

Go to the free clinic. Go to the free clinic.

You made a point in sharing.

You know it. Stop looking at me. Stop it. Renee, Renee, you can't talk to

patients like that. What's up with the stop looking at me? Stop it. Stop it.

Oh, no, baby, you still got to go to the free clinic.

Sorry.

Renee, what's wrong with you? Oh, no, I'm sorry.

You can't be acting like that. I guess this breakup with Eugene is really

getting to me.

His name's Eugene?

Don't let the name fool you.

They don't call him Eugene the Machine for nothing.

T .M. Ivory. Girl, he would have that scrunchie and that ponytail.

Renee, Renee, you gotta get a hold of yourself.

It's affecting your work.

How?

Who put a positive pregnancy test in Mrs. Wooding's chart?

So?

She's 81 years old.

Um, I don't understand.

Okay, you break up with a guy every week. Where's your backup?

Eugene was my backup.

Eugene?

Eugene the machine?

Don't ask me how I know that.

Look, what is the use of being a success...

Can you drop this off in 301 on your way out, please?

You know what?

You just ignore my pain, okay?

I will.

Look, don't touch anything in there, Renee.

That patient's in the oxygen bubble.

Since I have a few minutes.

How do you do?

We have to help her.

What are we supposed to do?

I don't know. Maybe we can hook her up?

No.

No, we don't.

No. No, no, no. You remember what happened the last time you tried to play

matchmaker? Will, they were perfect for each other. Until his wife found out.

If we don't help her out, things are only going to get worse.

How could things possibly get worse?

All I got is going to drive it in a while.

Well, if you really want to drive a while, you ought to start a fire.

Yes, horses hate fires. No, Brown, cut it out.

What are you looking at, Brown?

You've been acting paranoid ever since we left the mall.

Colonel, I'm telling you, somebody's following us. Oh, Brown, that's all

is to it.

That sugar's got you loopy.

No, hey, you know what?

Somebody's definitely following us. Come on, let's get inside. Come on, hurry

up.

Brown, you need to rest. You're saying things.

No, I'm not, Colonel. I know what I... Colonel, Colonel, Colonel.

So I guess the man standing at the window is me and my imagination, too.

What you

want, open Cunningham?

I'd like to talk to you for a second.

Well, who is he? Who are you?

You made up the law.

Days be gone, facial cream.

Sneaking around people in this neighborhood to get a cat.

That right up in you. So how'd you find us?

He followed us, duh.

Well, you filled out these information cards.

Colonel, I know you didn't put my address on your card. Well, I did

didn't want to put mine on it.

Okay,

what can we do for you?

Well, I couldn't help but notice both of you were getting facials and really

seemed to enjoy it.

Oh, no, no.

We're looking for the perfect face to test our product and then shoot an

infomercial for us. Oh, do it.

Actually, Mr. Brown, we thought you'd be the perfect candidate.

Oh, no, I don't mess with them infomercials. No, they stay up late

slinging them products, lying to people.

Who's going to be a part of that?

It pays $5 ,000.

You can count me in. We can shoot it right here. And what we can do is we can

me a dirty single and then line up me a super wide shot.

I may need a narrow shot from this. How does this angle look on me?

Ridiculous. That's good. I'm going to go to the car. I'm going to get the

product and use it for a couple of days.

Then we're going to shoot a commercial. Wait, wait, wait. Are you telling me

that this face is not infomercial material?

Raymond, Renee is going to love

you.

Yeah, if she's into Trekkies and seashell collectors.

Trekkers.

Okay, Will, would you give this a chance? Baby, I got this. This is going

work.

You didn't tell me you were hooking her up with Rain Man from the men's choir.

Will, look, just give him a chance, all right? Renee's going to be here any

minute. Okay. Let's, um, let's, ah, let's wrap this up.

Huh?

Hey, how you doing, man?

Uh, can I get a cup of martini for my wife? I'll take a whiskey sour and, um,

ooh, hot chocolate.

He'll have a glass of Merlot.

Extra ice.

What?

Oh, what's up? Hey, fool, what you doing in here?

What's good, man? Oh, wife and I came out with some friends, you know, kicking

for a minute.

What's good? Hey, wait, what's this?

Hey, Anthony.

What's up, Sasha?

Mm -hmm, mm -hmm. So who are you?

It's not about who I'm with, it's about who I'm taking home.

Raymond!

Yeah, um, this is one of Will's old college buddies, Anthony.

What's wrong with you? Pimping.

Look, there's Renee.

Come on, let's go meet her.

What?

Raymond, I would like for you to meet... The finest thing in here. Come over

here.

Hey!

Focus, all right?

Renee, this is Raymond.

Raymond, this is Renee.

It's nice to meet you. You look nice.

Uh, Renee, this is my boy Anthony from college, and that's Renee.

Rayman! I mean, uh, Raymond just started his own fishing business.

Rayman, I haven't been called that since breakfast.

My mom is crazy.

Listen, if anybody needs fishing equipment, I've got, uh, the hookup.

If you're ever feeling sick, I do make house calls.

He's the doctor.

Girl, please. Anthony's a nurse.

How lame is that?

Lame.

We're nurses.

That's not lame. I know.

That's wonderful.

Raymond, Renee, why don't you two dance? Sounds like a great idea.

You want to dance?

Yes, I would love to. I love this song. Hey, boo -boo, want to hold my purse?

Thank you.

Make sure my name's next on your dance card.

Why'd you let her go with him, man?

Ow, that's cool.

I think she likes me anyway, you know. I can sense a vibe. That girl is digging

me.

Really?

Okay.

Dude, I guess you got this one hooked.

you've been saying that Mr. Brown is out of control since he started using that

anti -aging cream.

He thinks he's 25.

Only thing 25 years older is clothes.

Right. And I can't believe they didn't choose me to be the pitch man.

What?

Oh, I'm sick of this.

Oh, my God.

What's up, old school?

Skinner jeans.

All the young people wear them. This is what you got to wear when you old. Like,

I mean, when young.

I suggest you let them wear them.

And I suggest you get a flea collar, but you won't.

I'm telling you, the product reps think I look great, though.

Nobody's scratching, Cora. Well, maybe that cream is giving you a rash.

Mr. Brown, you can't endorse a product that gives you a rash.

Cora, and miss out on $5 ,000?

Uh -uh. You gotta be out your mind.

All the rash in this house is right there, in the green.

Look at you, looking like you're looking.

I'll take this pie and throw it in your face. I tell you what, we'll be

fighting. I'll fight a dude. I ain't scared of you no more. Look, I tell you,

Cora, I just need to get rid of these toxins in the house. What?

Toxins be gone.

What you doing out there, babe? Where's, uh, where's Renee?

Late from lunch.

Again. Ah, she's with Anthony, huh?

Oh, yeah. I don't know what she sees in him, but... Well, he's a successful

nurse, and he's a great father.

He's a womanizer.

Look, sweetie, Anthony went through a really bad divorce, and now he's just

enjoying himself.

No, no, Will. What he's doing is filling his life with a bunch of meaningless

physical relationships.

Like I said, he's enjoying himself.

Renee needs a good man.

All right? I mean, Raymond was obviously the better choice. I don't understand.

I just... Obviously. Right.

Well, she seems happy.

Oh, I hate you!

I hate you! I don't believe you!

All I'm saying is act like you see the bill sometime.

Give a fake reach or something.

Oh, you want me to fake it? You want me to fake it? Because I can do that. I did

it last night.

Well, first of all, if your kids weren't screaming, are you my real daddy? Are

you my real daddy? Whatever.

Whatever. You look just like him.

You know what? You just need a two -bedroom.

I'm saving. I'm trying.

Oh! Oh!

Wait, hold up. No. Why you introduce me to her?

What happened, man? What's going on? You know what's going on is your boy needs

to know how to treat a lady.

First of all, you show me a lady, and I will treat her like a lady. I am a lady!

Hey! Hey! What with you?

Man, y 'all need to stop.

Will's right. This has to end.

Oh, it's ended. Oh, trust me. It is so ended. It's over.

Good.

Don't call me no more, okay? I'm good with you. I'm done with women. It's a

wrap.

Not no more. Hot tight booty.

Oh,

I hate him.

I hate him.

It's okay. Okay, baby. Are you all right?

Yes, I am fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I was about to catch a case.

You know, I already have two strikes. I'm cool.

You know that Raymond would never treat you like that.

Sasha. You know what? You're right.

You're right. But don't you hook that up. Hook me and your boy Raymond up.

Consider it hooked.

Hey,

you just can't leave it alone, can you?

I just think that Renee needs the right man. You know, she's a very sensitive,

sweet, kind young lady. And no one else sees that. No, she's not. You're the

only person that thinks so.

over here. I will say action, and you just give us your testimony.

If you need a stand -in, I'm ready.

What?

I'm sick of this.

This is going to be a disaster. Let me get comfortable.

All right, here we go. And action!

Hi, my name is Leroy S. Brown, and the S is for silky smooth skin.

When I first started using...

Age be gone. I can feel the years just popping off of me. Yes. When I first

started using silky smooth skin, my age wasted.

Yeah.

I thought we were going to stand still. Okay.

Maybe it's not me moving. Maybe it's your cameras moving.

It's not the camera, sir. Okay. So this is your spot. Right here.

That's right. All this.

You stand in your spot. Okay.

Okay. We're ready.

Okay.

And the action!

Hi! My name is Leroy S. J.

And the S is for... The S is for still scratching a piece.

What in the world is wrong with him? Who's allergic to that cream?

Unlike my battle -tested skin.

Is this too much around? No! No!

Yes!

You need a backup?

Well, I'm sick of this.

Oh,

isn't

this great?

I mean, no yelling, no fighting, just us having a great time.

Yep. Way better than watching the game.

Nice to see you here, Renee. I was beginning to think you weren't

Why you say that?

Because your text said not interested.

That was before I realized what a great guy you are, Rudy.

It's Ray.

That's what I said, Randy.

I don't know if I ever mentioned that Ray owns...

Several tackle shops.

Several times. Several tackle shops.

I just opened my 15th store in Macon.

15th? Yeah. Wow. So what about you, Renee?

How long have you been nursing?

Well, my youngest son is four, and so I'm trying to wean him, and I used to be

size C, but now I'm a B.

Uh -oh, you talking about how long have I worked as a nurse? Yeah. Five years.

Oh, and how long have you been fishing?

He's not a fisherman, Renee. He owns... Renee, what are you doing?

Hey, stop texting.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm being rude.

Yeah.

Um, so, Rudy, you're a, um... Stalker!

What?

Stalker! Look, I followed a girl home once, but that was a long time ago, and

they dropped the charges.

So this is how it's gonna be, huh?

Anthony, what are you doing here?

Would you say something?

You gonna eat that?

So, yeah, why are you here? You told me you were gonna be here, but you didn't

mention Obama.

Maybe I should go.

Sit down, Rudy.

It's Roy, I mean Ray.

You just couldn't get enough of me. You just couldn't get enough. I was doing

fine until you started texting me.

Please, what am I texting you? You just realized what a good thing you was

missing out on. That's what's wrong. Hey, guys, please.

Shut up, Will.

I shouldn't have messed with you. I knew it because I knew you was going to get

all sprung out and all cracked out on me. Whatever.

You the one all sprung.

You sprung. You sprung.

In your tight dress.

So? Lips juicy and poked out.

Can't stand you. I hate you.

Ooh.

Can I go now?

Yep.

Let's see you again, Renee.

What are you doing?

Cora, that stuff is just about to eat me dead.

Where is Colonel in his pit?

Oh, they went shopping.

Shopping? Yep. That's the second shopping spree this week.

Miss Anderson, they came in to get some money.

Oh, shut up, Cora. Money?

Yes. Cora, turn TV up. Turn TV up. I know that ain't.

I know that ain't.

My name is Colonel Cleophas T. Jackson, and the T is for tender skin.

Shut up, man.

When I first started using age -begone cream, I noticed the young girls, how

they started looking at me. And it wasn't just for money.

I know when using this cream, it's helped my sex life a whole lot.

What? Come and check me for my commercial.

I'm a kid. You know that's my commercial. One of the things I didn't

Turn it off.