Original subtitles

Previously on J -Pod. Cam, it's Jim.

I'm in a fix, so you gotta help me, pal.

What are you doing in on a Saturday?

My guy can never leave.

The work never stops.

Does anybody know a babette that works here? Nope.

Kara cannot be a junkie. That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. But in a

place I'm begging you, I'll die in there. You get an equivalency degree,

we'll discuss getting you out. I am not a junkie. Either become a high

-functioning heroin addict, or quit.

Good morning!

Congratulations!

Guys,

thank you.

I mean, I only just took my exam. It's not official yet.

Is this the toilet plunger?

Yeah. A little something I whipped up for you this morning.

Thank you, cowboy.

So when's the big matriculation bash?

Oh, uh, the Princess Stephanie Institute banned them after the class of 2004

tried to starve themselves into size zero prom dresses.

Which is too bad, because, uh, I never went to my prom back home.

You know.

So I go and pick up my diploma today, and that's it.

No problem for me.

Well, at least N .A. is now your oyster and you can transport to anywhere you

want.

I need a high -fiber muffin.

Hey,

have you guys seen my KC -85 -2 microelectronic motherboard I brought

China? It was on your desk yesterday.

Weird.

Hey.

How's it going, man?

Crack, smack, blow, weep, meh.

No, no, yes, yes, but not now.

No, no, come back in 15 minutes. Come back in 15 minutes.

Are you a sulfur cell? Yes, yes, I am.

Can I see it?

Maybe touch it a little?

Oh, I've been searching for a mint condition more house in K -35 too for

I work for a gaming company.

So, you know, I got access to all sorts of techie, techie stuff. You need

anything, you just email me and I can, I can track it down for you.

Gaming company? Yeah.

Cool. I love games. Me too.

Oh,

no can say. It's just, it's just hush hush. Don't, don't ask. I can't do it.

okay. It's just, it's a game called Sprite Quest. It's a basic role player

about a...

This frightening brave star battles dark forces.

This is actually a thinly -veiled commentary on homeland security.

Sounds interesting.

Thank you so much, Bill.

I want you all to know I am very, very proud of you.

And I think you deserve a special treat.

Mushroom fertilizer.

Yay!

Jim?

I'm going to the hydroclinic gardening shop in the valley. Is there anything

need?

No, no. Writer at work. Don't blow my focus here.

You know what writers do?

Hmm? They write.

Yeah, well, you can't see the brilliance here yet, but, you know, a lot of

actors have written their way to fame.

So I'm writing myself a screenplay here starring yours truly.

Not a bad idea.

What's it about?

I don't know yet. I haven't gotten that far, but how hard can it be?

Honey, are you sure you can do this? You've never written anything before.

remind you that Sinatra lived his whole life before writing his memoirs?

Well, I will leave the writer to his muses then.

My husband is a screenwriter.

And in colon return Drake.

So that's it. Next time we see Caitlin, she'll be a high school graduate.

Just too bad the Princess Stephanie didn't throw a prom.

Yeah, he's going to ask her for a load in.

And maybe cop to feel.

We could surprise her with a prom.

So you can cop a feel.

She never did graduate from a real high school. And prom's one of the most

important rites of passage for North American teenagers.

It's true.

Right up there with beer bong and a 40 -ouncer and puking into a snowbank.

The all -girl private school I went to didn't have a prom.

I mean, we did have a dance, but boys weren't allowed because they might

impregnate us. And so we just all ended up dancing together.

Oh, yes.

All those long, slow, steamy dances.

Our young bodies without words to explain all these new sensations.

All hands.

Yeah, we all made out, and then we had pillow fights.

Oh, vision, breeze, prom.

I don't afford to vision you time and time again.

J .D., do you have a prom?

I was homeschooled. Lesbian commune threw me a prom of sorts. Danced around

May Bowl in the yard.

Maypole.

No. Pole is much too phallic. This was a large bowl, womb -shaped, on a lazy

Susan that we tossed eggs into and then made them into a celebratory omelette.

What about you, cowboy?

No, I bailed on my prom, took early admission to Yale.

Pretty much banged all the chicks in my grad class and my English teacher, so

there's really no point in going.

Actually, mine kind of sucked, too.

I did the whole rent the limo, pick her up with flowers thing.

Then she ended up going home with a backup quarterback.

Oh.

Guys, we should throw a prom.

Not just for Caitlin, but for all of us.

Oh, and her classmate.

Let's not forget about those poor girls with their firm butts and their pouty

lips.

John Doe, can you hack us into the Princess Stephanie database so we can

those contact addresses?

Please.

I hack into the system. What do you think I do around here? I was asking if

would, not if you... Steve.

Hey, postures. What up?

Uh, nothing. What are you doing?

You owe him an idea for Sprite Quest, right? Check this out. I say we

incorporate an alchemist, right? One who doles out Sprite dust.

Of course.

Yeah, alchemist.

Sprite dust.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Password to the staff only, sir.

P85500RD. Delete speak equivalent of naming your cat Whiskers.

No way.

Gotta be good to be lucky.

You're good, Johnny.

What do you think? What is that?

Notice of closure?

PSI has lost our accreditation after the school board learned our graduates are

buying their degrees.

Well, if Caitlin's school isn't accredited... Then her diploma is

I have to tell her.

You? Hey!

So, um... Here it is.

You know, when they were handing these out, I had to, um... make emotion

building up inside me.

So I kind of do.

I think it's that I'm proud of myself.

I've never felt that way before.

Well, you worked really hard for this. I did.

I got me some book learning.

You deserve to celebrate, too. So, um, we're throwing you a prom.

What?

Really? Yeah, yeah. You, the podsters.

Cowboy suggested some of the heathers, too.

Okay.

The heathers may be spoiled trencher's slut bags, but they did help me find the

right shade of lip gloss.

Creep! So, uh... You seem all this way just to tell me that.

Yeah.

Thank you.

In this scene, you offer the frozen snake

as a gift to your enemy.

Hello?

Hey.

I thought I heard you come home hours ago.

Hi, Cary.

I have used an entire tank of gas driving over the whole lower mainland

for this.

I know, carbon footprint.

Tom, Tom.

We've had quite a day here. Big breakthrough. I'm writing Cam Fong's

How many pages have you written so far?

Nothing yet, but we're still in the research and development phase.

A lot of writers spend years doing that. Tomorrow we get seaweed body wraps and

write that off as a business expense.

Aren't you the smart one? All right, we have work to do. See ya.

The snake will defrost in his pocket, awakening with the heat.

And when it does, it will take your enemy down.

That's brilliant.

That is so much more effective than throwing a flaming fudge bag on

front doorstep.

Carol Jalewski, these are marijuana plants.

Jim, how could you let this happen?

We were upstairs the whole time. So someone just broke in here, you heard

nothing? We thought that was you thrashing around down here.

I left my husband to show business.

My children have left the Nasty Gangs. Sarah never gave me any grandchildren.

Sarah.

And now that I want to go into my room, turn into a

shrunken applehead, and then die.

Grasp that.

I want revenge.

This is the work of that heroin -thieving, no -grandchild -givings

Sarah.

I am ashamed I did not admit it before, but I also caught her in the act of

petty thievery when she attempted to steal your golden rooster knick -knack.

That!

Oh, I'm just livid with her.

Wait, let's not jump to any conclusions now. Who else knew about your business?

Only young Stephen.

Young Stephen the Junkie?

There it is. That's it. Case solved.

Stephen would never think that low.

Honey, when the cake goes missing, always blame the fat kid.

Jim! Stephen is my friend. The only one who knew about this grow -up, capable of

doing such a thing, is that lice -infested harlot, Sarah.

The same Sarah who also deserted my porn shoot and left me with a five -hour

overage.

We have a common enemy, Carol Jarluski.

Put away your guns.

Guns? I was looking for this.

My old address book with Sarah's parents' contact information.

When they find out what she's been up to, they will have words with her.

Strong words.

Come.

Let us make a plan.

Hey, what about Cam Fong, a light?

Hey.

Got some primo stuff for you, my man.

A hundred bucks.

Fifty bucks.

There's something else of work that I want.

Information on the bike.

What? My crew at Awesome Arts can make it very worth your while.

Awesome Arts? You're with...

Aren't you the guys who steal other companies' ideas and then rush them to

market? You may be familiar with some of our titles.

Denise for Driving Fast, Grand Theft Segway, and of course, Heroic Guitar

Our latest game is called Elf for Sale.

You're doing a Sprite quest for Bob.

Bingo bango.

And we'll pay through the nose to ensure our game drops first.

So what do you say, Silver Sale?

Do you want to play?

Thanks for coming back in, guys.

I'm pulling off Caitlin's assignments off her computer so we can hack her into

safe, accredited school.

Then she'll be back on track to graduate.

Are we spending the night in a tree staring in through her bedroom window,

Bree, could you please find me an alternate school for John Doe to hack us

Okay.

Done.

Here.

Fletch English?

Isn't that an 80s haircut band?

It'll take me some time to track through the victim until then. Caitlin's been

submitting her assignments.

You know, when I interviewed the white bread mayonnaise and processed cheese

sandwiches, they're only the best thing ever created.

That's kind of how I feel about Caitlin. So if there's anything you can do to

speed things up, that would be awesome.

Thank you.

The alchemists look great. I can't wait to spice up Dwight's impaling.

I'm thinking chunks of flesh.

We are good together, aren't we?

Now that I'm done schooling, I can totally focus on our work.

Yeah, great.

And you know, since I graduated, I haven't had the urge to drown my sorrows

tub of cake frosting.

Prerequisites for a prom bash!

Cliches one through seven.

Screamers. Punch.

Bad corsages.

Crowns for the king and queen. Bucket of blood. And a mixed CD of the all -time

classic grope -worthy slow dance song from the 80s.

What, did you Google prom? No, we watched the entire collection of John

prom movies. I think I sprouted breasts last night.

And they're so perky. Well, guys, wish me luck that...

Miss Gordina, I am being called upstairs.

Good luck.

Hey, John Doe, how we doing with Let's English?

Once I hack through the firewall, the rest is a breeze.

You can have a graduate as early as tomorrow at 3.

Oh, thanks, buddy.

Okay, so I left last night only to discover the hiss.

Headphones, no iPod.

We saw Steve lurk around there yesterday.

That mother... All right, I'm going to reclaim my worldly possessions.

Steve? Well, I thought he was just a divorced old -sucking junkie.

Hurry back so you can help decorate.

The theme for J -Pod prom is Night of a Thousand Clichés.

The Brie I know would not blow balloons just so she can slow dance to a wham

song. What gives?

Well, for someone who's trying to be a statistically normalist... possible.

There's nothing more statistically normal than losing your virginity on

night.

You're going to on prom night?

Did you hear that?

Somewhere an angel just got its wings.

Hi.

Thanks for meeting me. Did you get my transcripts? I tried calling the

Stephanie Institute this morning to get your transcripts.

Turns out they have closed down.

They lost their accreditation.

But I just graduated. No, you didn't.

You're back to square one.

Unless... Our mole at Awesome Arts has just informed us of some very disturbing

news. Awesome is suddenly developing a new game called Elf Crusade, a direct

replica of Sprite Quest.

Steve, dude, we gotta talk. What... What is that?

What?

Did you steal that?

No.

Yes, you did. This is mine.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is mine. Dude, where the hell is my mint condition KC -85 -2 computer I

brought back from China?

You'll be happy to know that that kept me high for at least half a day.

But as an apology...

I got you this.

It's the drugs, okay? It's the drugs. I mean, family services is all up inside

my bank account, you know? I mean, they account for every single little dollar

that I don't spend on child support, okay? I mean, I can't even pull heroin

money from my own savings.

Right, because that would be crazy.

Dude, you have got to get a handle on this thievery, not to mention your

addiction. No, I know, I know. I'm working on it, okay? Look, I promise.

sorry, and I promise not to steal anything more from you if you promise

tell anybody.

What the hell kind of deal is that?

Look, theoretically, I was willing to kick the habit. It was J -Pod that

convinced me otherwise.

I mean, you know, it would be a real shame if you weren't got out about that.

Seriously, dude, that is not what we meant. I seem to recall getting a whack

-smack. Yeah, and that was supposed to last you for months. I know.

It was so good, too. But over the weekend, I got this surprise visit from

social worker, okay? And I panicked, and so I flushed it.

Hey, but look.

Huh?

Huh?

It's a hug machine.

Designed for autistics.

Right? They're not crazy about human contact, so the machine does it for

stole it.

I stole it from a cuddling club last night, and I tried to sell it on

Craigslist, but so far I haven't gotten any bites, but I want to give it to you,

okay? It's our little secret.

Why does the cuddling club have a hug machine?

Well, some of our members have been touched by an uncle, and they're not too

on human contact either. But it doesn't matter, because it's yours, okay? I

mean, check it out, right? I mean, it's quite tantric.

Yeah. Give it a shot. Try on in there.

All right.

No more feeling.

Yeah, my word.

Wait, apologies.

You're up to speed?

Yes. Trust me, no one in J -Pod would give that information away. But they

sell it, which is exactly what's happening, because this morning, Awesome

incorporated an alchemist into their game.

But Steve only gave the directive yesterday to incorporate an alchemist.

Exactly, Caitlin.

One of the podsters is selling J -Pod down the river. Now, this game is the

thing that gives my life meaning at the moment.

We're all counting on you to find the leak.

Okay, I'll do my best. Perhaps you misunderstood.

Find the leak, or you'll find yourself out of a job.

Well, yeah, yeah, I can talk.

Quite quick aiming, you know.

How much?

Okay. Okay, yeah, no, I'll arrange it.

I'll arrange it.

Hug me, hug me, hug me.

This machine's a really good hugger.

Nothing beats the real thing.

So, rival game, huh?

Maybe we should delay prom until after we deliver spread quests.

Priorities. That privilege.

I don't care if Alistair returns from the dead to nuke this building.

Prom is on.

Yeah, besides, there's always a rival game out there. There's nothing to worry

about. Exactly. Nobody really owns the right to an idea anyway.

Free market, baby.

Really? Yeah. Now that you mention it, we should have multiple backups of the

game engine.

And just in case somebody else tries to blow up Neotronic Arts, we should keep a

copy somewhere else.

I just got a new security system at my place. We could keep one there.

Oh, we need to go shopping for prom dresses.

What about Sprite Quest?

Priorities!

Mmm,

looks delicious, but no time for a picnic for me. No, the screenwriting

has just grabbed me.

I'm making an I don't care package to send off in the freight container with

Sarah. You're making her sandwiches?

Jim, it is no -name brand peanut butter. I'm not cutting off the crust.

And no straws on the juice boxes.

Yeah. So glad Cam had the good idea of shipping her off to China.

Come on. I didn't think I had a hand in that cam -napping concept.

Cam -napping, Jim.

That is so cute.

Pass me the bananas.

No, wait.

No banana slices for that thieving skank.

Are you sure you're okay about spending that much money on a dress you'll only

wear once?

Well, it is kind of important.

You see, I'm going to be the one who makes a man out of John Doe.

He's a virgin?

And you guys haven't done it yet?

We haven't gotten around to it.

Has he been working late nights since breakfast?

No, honey, he's been working late night downtown.

I gotta... Caitlin speaking. It's Gordina. Any leads yet?

I'm trying, but it's really hard, Gordina. I mean, they're my friends,

and, uh...

They're throwing me and my classmates at prom tomorrow night in J -Pod?

That's not going to happen.

Okay, I know I didn't graduate, but there's no need to rub salt in the

With the security breach on SpriteCret, the last thing that this company will

allow are outsiders in Neotronic, let alone J -Pod. But find the leak.

And you can still go waiting down there for all I care.

Everything okay?

Everything's fine.

Okay, good. Let's go.

You know, the rival game may have the same basic idea, but they will never

our ability to combine subversive drug use with sphincter -clenching gore. And

Caitlin really nailed the design for the alchemist, too.

Hey, what'd she say about Let's English?

Um... You haven't told her?

Look, she'll find out about Princess Stephanie soon enough. And if she

know that she's graduating from Let's English, then she has to stay here,

You're right. I have to tell her.

I'll tell her.

Wait to talk.

Kitchen?

Yes?

Okay, let me start. No, me first.

Look, I know that if somebody gave you a bunch of money, you would go spend it

on sneakers.

But you've been wearing the same pair of sneakers for four days in a row.

What has that got to do with anything?

It has everything to do with everything. It proves that I can trust you.

Thank you.

But there's something I really have to tell you, okay? So at the same time,

let's just say what we've got to say. Ready?

One, two... Someone is selling SpriteQuest info to Awesome Arts.

What? Gordina thinks it's one of us, and she asked me to sniff out the leak.

But I can't.

Wait, why wouldn't you let me get the three?

Because if it was you, I couldn't bear to hear it.

Okay, but none of us would sell out to some low -rent rip -off you don't like

Awesome Arts.

If we don't find the rat, Gordina's not going to let us have a prom.

Whoa.

I just felt this thing like somehow we might not have a prom.

The Heathers deserve a prom.

So do you, Caitlin.

Your radar, is that good?

Actually, I was just dropping off Rudy Huxable at the pool, but I heard

everything.

What's going on? What up?

Somebody's selling Sprite Quest secrets to Osmar.

Dude, it's Steve. He's been stealing from me to support his habit.

Oh, God.

Steve called earlier asking for the vault copy of the game engine.

I had it sent up to him half an hour ago.

The Chinese Communist Party imposed a gag order on supporters of human rights

China and cited its increased standard of living as a sign that human rights in

the country had improved.

Yet there still exists widespread practices of torture, detention.

Hey, look at this. Kampong and I went shopping for some writer clothes.

This is from the Damon Affleck collection. Cool, huh?

How about this?

Oh, I want to thank the Academy, my agent, my manager.

Tim? Yeah?

I've been thinking about what we did with Thera.

And special token from Cam Fong for a job complete.

I can't believe you thought we'd sell out to the makers of Super Mario

I didn't, but... The Princess Stephanie Institute got shut down. My diploma's

useless, and Gordina was holding that over my head, forcing me to sniff out

rat. Guys, guys, guys.

Hey,

man.

You know what?

You got him? Yeah, well, all right.

Yeah, that's promised.

That's promised.

I don't think so.

Why didn't you say something?

I thought they were with you. We are. This deal is over.

Okay, all right. Slow down.

I can make this very worthwhile for all of you. This game engine is worthwhile

to all of us, okay? We were nearly blown up by the loser who created it.

Yeah, I know. It's all over gamedev .net.

I'm sorry, dude.

We probably would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for these meddling kids.

Have fun in the mystery machine.

Where are you going?

You asswipe. And after we tolerated everything you've thrown at us? Yeah,

bizarre turtle whimsy. Your decision to kill Bored X. Stalking my mother.

And now this attempt to fill us all down the river. And for what?

It's not me. It's the drugs. No, it's you.

There is a house built out.

We should go after him.

No, I'm done going after Steve.

I guess that means prom's back, huh?

Yeah.

Awesome.

Girl.

I still feel a bit weird about ratting out Steve.

You really never suspected him?

No.

Okay, well, please tell Larry that it was a group effort. I don't want to be

singled out for promotion.

Promotion?

They were still mad of your high school equivalency.

Right.

Of course.

Um, are we... Can I go?

Bree and I have makeovers scheduled for prom night tonight.

Oh, so that's still on.

Yeah, well, you told us that if we found the rat, we could have her prom back.

Yes, I guess I did.

But with the recent scare, there will be a limit to the number of guests.

Well, the only one bringing guests is Cowboy.

Cowboy?

Yeah, he didn't want to fifth wheel it, so he's importing a handful of fresh

young things from my grad class.

But, of course, they didn't graduate, so they'll be in need of some serious

cheering up.

Well, no time like the present to form prom cliche number nine, the decorating

committee.

Why can't we be getting slutty makeovers like the girls?

Dude, could you be any sluttier?

Email from Gordina.

Steve's just been fired.

Good riddance.

The only thing is, at least with Dee we knew who we were dealing with.

I mean, who knows what we'll get next, right?

Hmm.

Oh, Jim, shipping Sarah off to China doesn't feel nearly as satisfying as I

hoped.

I think we did the wrong thing.

Not as bad as you think?

I had a person kidnapped and sent away for life.

I'm not just a modern homemaker. I'm... I'm a monster.

Ah, listen to this.

I was the one who had Cam Fong send Steve off to China, huh? What do you

Yes. Yes?

And look at him now. He's doing fine.

You?

Had Stephen sent to China?

Why? What were you thinking?

Well, you know, I thought he was just hanging around maybe a little too much.

was getting a little OTT, which is writer's speak for over the top.

I did it to protect our marriage, Carol.

Our marriage didn't need protecting.

And where did you get the idea to send him to China?

It was my idea.

All right? I have good ideas, very good ideas. It was my idea the first time we

sent somebody off to China.

There was someone before, Stephen?

That had to happen, all right? She was becoming unhinged. It was like a stalker

thing, day and night.

She?

Nothing happened.

Jim?

The... This is your one opportunity to come clean if you love me you'll come

clean

Of course I love you. If that was a mistake, it was long over. I learned my

lesson. You're the only person I've ever loved or wanted, needed, Carol. Please.

If there was ever a moment for Carol time, that's it.

Leave.

We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind.

Cause your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance, well, they're no

friends of mine.

See, we can go where we want to, but they will never find.

And we can act like we come from out of this world, even though we are one far

behind. We can

go...

Welcome to J -Pod prom.

Night of a thousand cliches.

Thank you.

Wow.

It's prom night. You're supposed to be happy.

Not bad.

What if I'd gotten it wrong and ratted out one of you guys?

It's over.

Let it go. Yeah, but you guys went to so much trouble.

I don't think I deserve it. Caitlin, come on.

Run with the pack for once.

Picture time, guys.

All right.

The only thing missing is cliche number 12, the senseless prom death.

The night is still young.

I can't believe a single heather didn't show up.

There probably wasn't enough time for them to starve into their prom dresses.

I really am going to be the James Spader type who ends up drinking all alone.

Oh, no.

Well, that's it. Prom's over.

Looks like problem cliche number 16. Mysterious hot chick signals from across

the room.

Mysterious indeed.

I never expected her to come back for second helpings after I never returned

calls.

I turned all your female guests back in front door.

You did?

I wanted you all to myself.

I never went to my own prom.

Nobody asked me.

No. You?

I was the gawky teen.

Didn't blossom until I was in my 20s.

It blossomed, you did.

Uh, what do you say you and I play the trail of temptation out of here?

Mm -hmm.

We can't leave yet. We haven't even flowed in. Look.

Losing your virginity on prom night in the back of a limo? It's about the most

normal thing a guy can do.

Well, statistically, actually only 28 % of men lose their virginity on prom

night second to, uh... Just shut up before you blow the mood, okay?

So we're, uh... I have a limo waiting outside.

Good luck!

Spike Puck, right on.

I did not turn the world around inside of three years of exploring the

challenge. People around me, I can tell this is an absolute thing.

Exploitation, turtles, turtles, turtles.

I've seen better turtles.

But, myth, joy, achievement.

You know we're king and queen of prom, right?

By default.

That counts.

Thank you for doing this for me.

I wasn't taking it.

It was everybody.

I just kind of wish I was actually graduating.

Here's the thing.

You are graduating.

What are you talking about?

Chando and I hacked you into a legitimate school.

According to their records, you'll graduate tomorrow.

But that's cheating.

Ethan, no.

You gotta hack me out of there.

It's not your fault Princess Daphne closed down. I don't see why it'd feel

for us to work with this and get you what you deserve.

Is that them?

I'm graduating.

The only thing left to consider is where you're going to transfer to when you

leave J -Pod.

Jim?

What's this?

After 35 years of marriage, I didn't think it would be fair just to leave a

note. So I'm going to read it aloud for your benefit.

Dear Jim.

Carol, you can't do this.

Oh, thanks to the fine work of bravering feminists everywhere, I can

do whatever I'd like.

It makes no sense.

It makes perfect sense.

And I'm just beginning to realize that.

I am strong, Jim. I am invincible.

And I'm leaving you for a new beginning.

Honey, this is crazy.

This needs ice.

I don't know what kind of books you were reading this afternoon, but you've

always been happy here in our home, huh?

I know we've had a few bumps in the road these past few days, but all we have to

do is get you started with a new crop and it'll be like nothing ever happened.

I love you, Carol.

I love you. I just want things to be back to normal the way they were.

We can do that.

Huh?

Carol?

Carol?

Carol?

Carol?

My garbage.

He can clean it up.