Original subtitles

Previously on J -Pod. May I present, straight from Guantanamo after seven

of wrongful confinement, Mr. Alistair Parrish. What's amazing is me being here

with one of the best coders in the world.

Behold, the key to updating Alistair's game engine.

We have a mad, disastrous history that most people would run from in fear.

I'm sticking by you no matter what. It's like how you promised me that you'd

stick by me.

Love doesn't just happen, Ethan. You have to be willing to say, this person

here, I choose her.

Hey, Jim. I thought you were Carol.

I'm in love with her. Yeah, Cam.

I need a favor.

Oh, how do you screw up the funny bone? That's the easiest one to remove.

You'd have much steadier hands if you stayed in med school.

No problem you watch and learn from the old popster here.

How's work, Ethan?

And how's young Steven?

Neg.

I don't know. He hasn't been to work for a couple days.

He really is a nice man, and he does care about your career.

There he is.

Turn it up, Ethan.

The car belonging to the divorced father of one was found abandoned with the key

still in the ignition on the Stanley Park causeway.

Also tonight, Russell Crowe unveiled his sassy new line of sizzling... Young

Steven is just fine. How do you know that?

He just told me he upgraded his cable package, and I am sorry. You do not walk

away from an upgraded cable package.

Carol!

For whatever reason, Steve has decided to walk away from everyone who cares

about him. Now, that's a selfish action. That's what's going on. You've got to

accept that.

How would you define your relationship with Steve Lefkowitz?

He was my boss.

He didn't go for beers after work? Never get together to watch the big game?

Well, actually, we did discuss relationships from time to time. So, he

friend? Was he a special friend?

Steve and me?

You.

Not my type.

I don't like my guys to be so, um, things.

If you weren't friends with Mr. Lefkowitz, then what were you? What do

Like, were we enemies?

You can't be enemies with Stephen Lefkowitz. That's like being enemies

wicker basket full of gift soap.

Why are you avoiding my questions?

I'm not avoiding them. I'm refusing to answer them.

It's not you. It's me. I was raised in a militant feminist commune.

I've been trained to distrust all authority picks except my mother.

I heard it.

There must be something you can tell me about his personal life.

I don't think Steve had a life. I think J -Pod was it.

Oh, I know that he left his son Connor, though.

Well, that blows this case wide open.

Great.

Thanks. What are the chances of finding Steve?

White, well -nourished male, early 40s, marital problems, limited relationship

with his child, no known friend.

I wouldn't be surprised if we find this guy hanging from a wrapper.

Oh, Steve has to be alive.

So weird.

First, evil Mark dies of helium -induced hypoxia, and now Steve eats a 12 -gauge

pepper sandwich.

The police officer said it was probably suicide.

Without a body, they don't know for sure. In a month, some homeless guy in

Stanley Park is going to stumble over his beef jerky -like carcass. No open

casket for Steve.

I don't believe you guys.

We don't even know what happened to him, and you're all acting like he's been

squished into soylent green.

Somebody's on his man, period.

There is no way Steve blew his brains out. He doesn't have the gut you need to

do that.

He's more of a pills kind of guy.

Gentle, caressing pills like the wings of a dove wafting you away into the

beyond. How would you know that?

Are you some kind of a suicide expert?

Here we go.

Two points for miss sensitivity.

His father and mother died in a murder -suicide pact when he was ten.

Well, now is as good a time as any to change the subject.

Management is looking for a new replacement for Steve, and they should

somebody by tomorrow. You were the kid who ran to the principal's office when

the teacher was late for school, weren't you? Better than being the kid who

slept with the teacher for the better grade.

At least I graduated from high school.

Ethan, is everything okay?

You know, he recently upgraded his cable package.

I'm sure he's fine.

When my Uncle Gary killed himself, my mother told me to find the silver

I don't really think there's a silver lining to suicide.

Uncle Gary couldn't hurt any more hostages?

Look at this.

Yesterday, Steve would have gone for a saliva duct repiping.

And today he was supposed to preside over a hug club lunch meeting, and he's

meetings scheduled all into next week.

So? Well, I'm not an expert like Cowboy, but when people plan to off themselves,

they usually cancel all the appointments they're going to miss by being dead.

But suicide?

That just doesn't feel right.

Ethan, I think maybe it's time to find the silver lining.

Dad. Ethan, come on, you gotta help me. Your mother's been moping around the

house all day.

Well, what do you expect, Dad? Mom's pretty upset about Steve.

Well, we're all upset, but your mother doesn't have a household monopoly on

emotions. Come on.

Maybe you can do something to cheer her up, take her mind off things.

Business has been stressful for her lately, and now this.

Okay, Mr.

Bright Ideas, what do you suggest?

Mom likes gardens, you like the dance. Go someplace you can enjoy both.

Okay.

Let's see.

Gardens and dancing and... Dad, do I really have to be on the phone while you

search? Yo, there's a jackpot here. Listen to this. The Vancouver Swing

presents their annual excursion to scenic Victoria.

Day trips include tours of the local botanical gardens. There you go.

That's perfect. I love swing dancing and your mom can hit the gardens.

Hey, you thought your dad was a grizzled old numbnuts, huh?

Thanks. I'll see you.

Hey, Carol, guess what?

Sit down, Steven.

Oh, even better.

I'm taking you away on a little holiday.

Top that.

You're a tough chicky -pig.

Nothing like a little pureed

turtle.

How's yours coming along, Johnny?

Come see for yourself.

Awesome.

Uh,

John, we're trying to see who can animate the goriest suicide.

What?

Is that a little disturbing?

Impressive.

Human Resources, your new Bordex boss has been assigned.

Straight out of Guantanamo Bay and into our hearts.

Alistair Parrish?

That code thief is our new boss.

He should be sent back to Gitmo for hijacking your game engine revamp.

Mom, good. You haven't left yet.

I'm coming over. Don't go anywhere.

Okay, please don't go anywhere.

Hello?

Kirk? Kirk!

Yeah! Hey!

An audition, sure.

A mobster tries to rig the Special Olympics. Wow.

Hey, role of a lifetime, isn't it?

Tomorrow? That's not good.

Listen, could I make a tape and I'll send it in?

Yeah, well, I made my wife a promise. I can't disappoint her either. Yeah.

Okay, well, you'll keep me in mind for things, huh?

Kirk?

Mom, what's the deal with that mural in Steve's apartment?

Oh, that.

I didn't know young Steven was such an artist.

So you've seen it?

Now, all the lighting is on timers. You don't need to worry about that. Feed in

the morning, not the evening. Mom, I've done this before. Listen. The seedlings

get the most food. Questions?

Only about the big, scary mural of you in Steve's apartment.

Carol, hurry up!

Eden, I suppose young Steven does have feelings for me, but...

A woman can't control a man's heart. Mom, you're taking this the wrong way.

I'm asking if maybe Steve's vanishing was an occupational hazard.

Oh. Oh, you mean like young Tim.

Yeah, like young Tim. You did accidentally electrocute him.

Ethan, if something like that happened to Stephen, you would be the first to

know. Carol, we're going to miss the ferry.

Now scoot.

Your father and I are going away for a little Jim and Carol time.

Okay, what do we know? Uh, Steve is missing.

Um, his car was abandoned. He upgraded his cable package.

He's got issues with his saliva ducts.

I know something.

I know that all of you should be working.

Greetings, Earthlings. For those of you who aren't already aware, I'm the new

executive appointed to oversee this, J -Pod.

Caitlin, it's Irish for purity.

Read your file.

Read all your files.

Apple.

That's impressive.

Now, I understand that you were trying to reverse engineer a turtle character

into a skateboarding game called Board X.

Well, as of now, Dwight is officially dead.

But Dwight was... In fact, the entire game is now dead.

You can't scrap an entire game. I can do anything I want. This company owes me.

Which is why you're all assigned to my new game, which is a sword and sorcery

adventure called Sprite Quest.

I think I speak for everyone here when I ask, what the hell is a Sprite Quest?

Our hero is Bravestar. He's a handsome sprite from Neo -America, and after his

village is attacked by a winged monster, Bravestar is sacrificed to the wizard

Dark Invader in exchange...

For protection.

Bravestar must escape the wizard's island fortress and rescue his family

friends from Dark Invader's sinister plot to rule the world.

Okay, but why scrap Vortex? We're already six months into production.

schedule for our release date next year. Vortex is as dead as Steve Lefkowitz.

Neotronic is going to release Sprite Quest in its place.

You want us to make an entire game in a year?

It'll take us that long just to design and build all these new assets.

Steve isn't dead.

I know you're all aware of my brilliant but doomed flight simulator, which

contained only the most powerful game engine ever designed.

Behold, version 2 .0.

Nice work, Alistair.

How many enslaved child labor sprites had to do your work for you?

Oh, that's right.

Only one.

Insert this into your Bordex engine, lung cancer cowboy.

And Sprite Quest will be the ultimate role -playing game.

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Steve.

He was an idiot.

At least he was a reasonable idiot.

Most of the time.

It sounds like this Alistair just wants us to be unquestioning robots.

It's 5 p .m.

Robot employees leave at 5.

But you can't leave now.

Guys, with this changeover, we're six months behind schedule.

Okay, six months.

Caitlin, Caitlin. So quick to follow the stupidest of orders, yet no cult will

have you.

Caitlin, don't worry. It's like school when a substitute comes in. They do

everything wrong for a few days and then leave.

Brie was right. I was the kid who ran to the principal's office.

I can't help it. I need authority in my life. I grew up with an absentee father

and an overly lenient mother who didn't care what I did as long as I didn't

block her view of the TV.

Would it help if I ordered you to go home for the night?

Thanks, but it wouldn't work.

Ethan, let's hit it.

Trust me, when the Uber bosses find out that he's scrapping half a year's worth

of work, he'll be fragged.

That's strange.

You know, usually for a convention, they'll have a registration table or at

least a banner or something. Excuse me. Do you know, is this the location of the

Vancouver Swing Society?

Jim Carroll.

Yes. How did you know?

You're our only new members this year.

Well, aren't you scrumptious?

I'm Bertan.

Jim. This is my lovely wife, Justine.

We're your hosts. Welcome.

Friendly. I know offense meant bear trend, but we almost left. There should

sign. Well, you know how it is with swingers, Jim.

We're proud of what we do, but we don't want it either.

So, when's the competition?

You like the competitive events?

We save those for the end of the year. But don't you worry, Jim. There is

of swing to go around.

We are so glad you came.

I can't wait to take you out for a spin.

Tim's the one with all the talent. I tend to stand against the wall and

Oh, we'll have to see about that.

Oh, now, honey, an audience is essential for what we do.

Oh, yeah, do you have a list of events?

Oh, you're eager to get right into action, aren't you? You are my kind of

We like to keep this event free form, but there will be a seminar tomorrow

morning on safe swinging.

Now go on, check in.

We'll talk more later.

See you at breakfast, if not sooner.

Bye -bye.

What gracious, friendly people. Yeah.

Hard worker.

I like your style, Caitlin.

Well, I've got six months of work to catch up on.

The others have all left?

Ah, Apple would never hire any of them.

Your talents are obviously wasted down here.

Thank you.

I'd almost... Given up any hope of advancement?

I don't know if I'd say given up.

You know, we're not so different, you and I.

We're both prisoners being held captive by an unjust autocracy intent on

clipping our wings.

I don't know if you can compare J -Pod to Guantanamo Bay.

Well, I don't need to see a diploma to know that you are an intelligent go

-getter with sexy new ideas, and I can ensure that you are moved into a

that embraces your skills.

But, of course, if you'd rather stay here... What would I have to do?

Well, for starters, I have the software I need installed.

It's nothing as advanced as my game engine.

It's just a performance upgrade.

Maybe you could install it while we're both here right now?

Why don't you load it yourself?

Consider it a simple test of your allegiance.

But if you don't trust me...

coming in at 9 a .m.

Yeah, I feel so corporate and irritable.

Oh, look who's already here.

Boss is a boss. An employee is an employee.

Is that what you're into?

Do you like being dominated?

What's it like being a man trapped in a bitch's body?

Gang, come on. It's too early in the morning to start.

Caitlin wants to be a grinder. It's her choice.

So, any Steve news, Ethan?

When I went through his place yesterday, I found his TrackerOne credit card

bill. If I can search his online spending habits, maybe I can find a clue

whereabouts. Cowboy, can you hack me into the TrackerOne database for a few

minutes? No problem, Chief. John Doe, can you hack into his email account?

I'll email my travel agent friend, see if he can check airline passenger

manifests and car rentals.

Great. Okay, Ethan, you are in.

Thanks.

Let's see what young Steven was buying.

Whoa, what is this?

Our productivity is being monitored?

I don't think I can do this. What is this, a Victorian textile mill?

Let's go, sweat hogs. Bravestar has worlds to conquer.

And Caitlin, thanks again for downloading that productivity software

I didn't know.

Wait, I thought it was a program upgrade or something.

I've developed job -specific tasks for each of you, and which percentage of

those tasks has to be done for today. For details, press your F9 key.

Let's get to work.

Breathe in the future.

Breathe out the past. Jim, I can just...

Feel the air crackling with creativity.

This is just what the doctor ordered.

Welcome to the annual Vancouver Swing Society's island excursion.

Bertrand and I are thrilled to see you all again, both old friends and new.

We're new. Welcome. Shall we?

Let's.

Safe, sane, consensual, and flirty.

Heighten your swinging lifestyle with a dash of bondage. And while Justine

lubricates her form, I would like to take this moment to remind you that all

these wonderful items are available for your enjoyment at our store, Bear Trans

Pleasure Palette.

The website's been Swing Convention, not Swingers Convention.

Hey, I don't like it either. I'm missing an audition to be here, a speaking

part.

You, you, you, it's all about Jim Jarlowski.

No, I did this for you, to cheer you up after your special friend Steve went

missing. Steven is not a special friend, he's a regular friend, and he also

happens to be Ethan's boss.

Well, you spend an awful lot of time with somebody who's just a regular

Not any more time than you spend with that Cam Fong.

Yeah, but I don't want to have sex with Cam Fong.

Are you implying?

I didn't mean that.

Oh, I think I know exactly what you meant.

Jim, Carol, I'm so glad I caught you.

Justine and I are hosting an orgy in our room tonight. We would love to have

you. I'll be there.

An orgy is just the thing my husband thinks I ought to be doing.

Carol! I'll see you tonight.

Cowboy, shouldn't you be trying to do some work? Uh, the cancer cowboy, he's

production quota.

Don't freak, I'll call the building engineer.

Building engineer can't help you.

I've deactivated your quaint little device.

Oh! And I've scrambled your wireless communication.

Well, you flaunt the rules and you ignore your superiors and Bordax blows.

Oh, please.

You know, somebody told me that you were Steve's idea lab.

Well, now you're my idea lab rats.

We don't have to listen to you.

No, of course you don't. You could always quit.

Quit? My parents would kill me.

This place is my life.

I'm here for you guys.

Let's just do what we're told.

I'm

in

hell. I can't believe he moved in here with us.

This is like being in detention.

Ethan? Your productivity percentage hasn't moved in a while. That's because

on a quest to find out what happened to Steve.

Okay, well, everybody's Internet connections have been severed, so

why don't we get some work done?

Thanks, Ethan.

So much for J -Pod solidarity.

Hey, I didn't shut it off. He did.

Hey, Alistair, I'm an environment designer. I need the Internet for

John Doe, you may have 15 minutes.

Buddy. I'm expecting an email from two Walmart greeters. They are twins.

I'm here close to winning a pair of six -inch heels worn by these onesies. Get

back! I need this connection for my research. I'm not losing my job because

your online addiction.

Everybody just calm down.

This is exactly what he wants. Let's not give him the satisfaction.

He's limited my broadband speed.

I'm downloading it the equivalent of dial -up. What is it, the 20th century?

What's that, typewriters?

Um, anybody need any help with anything?

Caitlin the Pure.

See that you're all done for the night?

Yep. Perhaps I could entice you with dinner and or a movie.

Thanks, but I'm really tired and I have a night school assignment to finish.

Oh, you don't have to go to night school anymore.

You know, I'll take care of you.

I'm doing it for myself.

Good night.

Oh, boy. You know...

It pains me to do this, Caitlin, but your Brave Star design is all wrong.

So, um, stand by for revision notes.

I'll fix them tomorrow.

Was that your attitude when you worked at Apple?

Carol. Carol, please. Come on, you made your point.

I'm sorry. Let's go back to the room.

Out of my way, gentlemen. I am going to an orgy. Apparently, I am a tramp.

You know, you go in that door, and I'm not going to be waiting here when you

back. No, I imagine you'll be pursuing your acting career.

Carol.

You look so charitable.

Oh, Jim.

I'm sorry, but the boy -girl ratio is already at its peak.

You're going to have to wait.

Carol!

How are you, Tantra? You know, years ago, Jim and I went to an art theater to

see Caligula, and I am so glad we did, because now I know of the many, many...

Oh, good.

Appreciate it.

Can I help you with something?

What about your Brave Star revisions?

He is taking a while to get those revisions to me.

Well, I'm just babysitting this render.

Maybe you can ask somebody else.

Uh, they don't want my help.

In fact, they're not talking to me at all, and I think Brie loogied in my

juice.

Well, if you log off, I can use your computer to render my scene a little

faster. Done.

I've got to step out for a while, so just continue working.

Okay?

I'm on it.

Internet is restored.

Sweet internet provider of quality footwear.

Hello? Not bad, huh?

Who is it?

Hello, Ethan.

I'm Babette.

Okay, Babette.

How'd you get rid of Alistair?

I sent him a text message that his favorite cast member from the science

series Moongate was spotted in a downtown east side bar looking to trade

autographs for drinks.

He's a gatey?

I think they prefer the term gators.

What department are you in?

Sorry about Steve.

He seemed nice, in a weird way.

I hear you're looking for him. Very naughty of you to hack into the Tracker

database.

Well, I'm not doing a very good job of finding him. And I'm stuck here until

further notice.

I can speed up your escape.

How? I retasked every computer in the building to focus on your scene only.

How did you do that?

Goodbye, Ethan.

You need to see this.

Ethan, I'm so sorry.

Look, I think... Hi, I'm Caitlin.

I think...

Everybody values my opinion.

Hi, I'm Bree. I like to have sex with anonymous strangers because it protects

emotionally. Hi, I'm Caitlin.

I like to lead men on because it validates my self -esteem.

This is Bree out on a date.

I'll pleasure you under the table because it gives me the illusion of

This is Caitlin on a date.

Feed me, feed me. Only deep fried meat nuggets make me feel whole.

Should we try to stop them?

No.

This is my impression of Bree at a job interview.

Dude, are you all right?

John Doe, I'm so sorry.

Oh, hi.

I'm Caitlin.

I'm so concerned.

Will you both just stop?

I know you're frustrated. I'm frustrated, but this is getting us

We have to do this Bozo's workload, so let's just get it over with.

Not until we raise the bottle to Steve's honor.

What is it with you and this stuff?

Better than booze. Sweeter than candy.

Freaky high.

And it's legal.

Mmm, cherry.

You know, a friend once told me something about tragedy in a silver

Steve was a reasonable idiot.

And he was our reasonable idiot.

Steve. Steve.

Steve.

You can see why these scientists are arguing for increased greenhouse gases.

Another bizarre twist in the disappearance of Neotronic Arts

Lefkowitz. Police reported today that Lefkowitz mailed his suicide note

to police headquarters shortly before he vanished.

Can I interest you in a champagne tongue bath?

Not right now, thank you.

Can you do me a favor and find Jim?

Sure thing.

Jim? It's me, Carol.

I don't see Jim anywhere.

How about that tongue bath?

Okay, okay.

I go.

If you could have one superpower, which one would you have?

Ethan? Mind reading.

That is so incredibly vanilla.

Caitlin? I'd like to be able to tell when someone was lying.

Really?

That's what I'd want.

Because then you'd know when a guy was lying to you. Why else? Men can be so

secretive.

Kevin never tells me anything.

Ever since he got fired from the Charlie Burger, he just mopes around my

apartment. Well, at least you've got a guy around to ignore you. Any guy would

be lucky to ignore you. Really?

You're actually so great.

No. Yes, you are.

You know what?

Alistair doesn't deserve this pod.

And he doesn't have the right to measure our productivity as if we're all on

some giant hamster wheel.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to put a stop to it.

You're drunk.

Nope. I'm tucked up, buddy.

There's a difference.

You're also fired.

Are you sure you want to do that?

After all, I'm about to challenge you to a duel. Or I could just fire you.

A sprite wouldn't refuse a challenge.

You sound more like a pixie.

Or a nymph. A sprite is stronger than an elf, more cunning than a nymph, and

braver than the entire fairy spectrum combined.

Now you've got your challenge.

What are your terms?

If I win...

We finish board X.

And when I win? If you win, we'll do Sprite Quest without complaint.

I wouldn't go that far. Agreed. You've challenged me, so I get to decide the

style of duel.

And I choose rock, paper, scissors.

Did I mention that before Gitmo I was a three -time world champion?

No.

Excuse me.

Hello? Rock, paper, scissors.

How'd you know?

Watch the lights on the electrical box by the stairs.

Blue is rock.

Green is paper.

Red is scissors.

Got it. Rock, paper, scissors. Got it.

Sorry, my mom.

Carol? I'm all right. We need some towels.

Somebody spilled the red wine, Johnny, on the carpet.

A stain?

Uh -huh.

Oh.

A dab of toothpaste and some club soda will fix that up in a jiffy.

Sorry, Bertrand. I hope I haven't ruined your orgy.

Oh, Carol, it's you that I'm worried about.

You know, I've seen a lot of couples try to repair broken marriages through

sexual exploration.

And in as much as I'd love to nail you, I think you and Jim are making a

mistake.

Well, that's just it. I thought everything was fine until we got here.

Well, then why'd you come?

I have this friend, Stephen. He disappeared, and Jim said he was going

cheer me up. Well, maybe this is Jim's way of telling you that he's ready to

accept your need for multiple partners in order to save your marriage.

Stephen is a friend.

The last thing I want is an open relationship.

What was he thinking?

Tricking me here by telling me it was a swing and dance competition.

Carol, when people apply for the weekend, I usually ask them to supply a

their favorite positions.

Gyms or promenade, outside partner,

Left parallel.

Those are dead.

Oh.

Jim didn't know.

Oh. Bear to end. I could just kiss you.

If I wasn't so disgusted by your lifestyle choices.

Jim?

If only our love could be better than a drink I'm afraid.

But free aesthetically.

Good luck. I know you can do this. Don't screw this up.

Buddy, nip of courage.

Let's do this.

Best out of three? To the death.

One, two, three.

Impressive. Most amateurs lead with rock.

One, two, three.

That's dumb luck.

One, two, three.

One,

two,

three.

One. One, two, three.

One, two, three.

One,

two, three.

One, two, three.

One,

two, three.

Accept it, Alistair. It's over.

A draw is not possible.

You'll cancel daily production quotas and move out of J -Pod.

And you'll concentrate on Sprite Quest.

Agreed.

How did you do that?

Superpower of mind reading.

Looking good, Captain Cowboy.

Up your shirt.

Hope you got your passport all up today.

See you soon, son.

Come on. Everybody's already left.

Good morning, sleepyhead.

I thought you'd left. There will always be a bottomless demand for feel -good

movies about the Special Olympics.

But there's only one Carol.

Besides, I didn't want you to miss out on those gardens around here.

Bradley, pillow and flowers are always the best.

Tell me about the...

Orgy. I spent the whole time locked in the bathroom, finding grammatical errors

in a travel magazine.

And those people are so sticky looking.

I have something to tell you. No.

Doesn't matter.

Only thing that matters.

How are you doing?

Been better.

Thanks for your help with Alice there.

It was my pleasure.

There's one thing I don't get.

If you knew what he was going to throw, why didn't you help me win?

Ethan, it's far too soon for you to win.

Can I,

uh, buy you a thank you drink or something?

Maybe.

In the future.

Hey.

Does anybody know a babette that works here?