Original subtitles

Previously on J -Pod. J -Pod's actually the best of all worlds. Play your cards

right, you can do as much or as little work as you want.

Who's J -Pod?

If you have to ask, you don't want to know, trust me. You're a ballroomer?

Nothing compared to you.

Hello, girl.

Stephen. Girl, when can I see you?

This fixation on my mother's getting a little spooky, Stephen. I've never been

willing to do anything for someone. When I look into your eyes, I see the woman

I loved.

Come back.

Kevin is a feeder.

Good to go, Ethan.

Greetings, comrades.

Yes, it's true.

Your favorite little girl is finally 29.

And I hope you remembered.

Let the gift -giving begin.

Seriously, I expect greatness from you guys.

There's a board exit window open on your computer, Bree. Click it. See what the

birthday pixie brought you.

My, what an attractive and intelligent -looking character she is. Hey, isn't

that a burger franchise that also caters to kids' birthdays?

Hey, is this a video birthday card? Morning, everybody.

Come over. Do you want to see this?

Something good could happen, see?

Wait a sec.

Finally, some real beef at the Charlie Burger.

You guys are just packing.

I love it. Beautiful.

I know they're just electrons, but they're hot.

Think that's all we programmed?

There you go.

I love my video cards. Thank you.

Thank you.

And you.

And... Caitlin would have helped, but we came up with the idea after she left

for night school.

I've got a great birthday present for you.

It's not scary.

I don't remember seeing a Porsche up there.

Hello? Nathan.

Sexually explicit photos of your father having a gay, torrid love affair with

that Chinese mafia kingpin he danced with.

Mom.

Mom,

Cam Fong is like the biggest ladies' man on the planet.

He and Dad just like to ballroom dance together as far as it goes.

And things have been going so well between us lately, too. Mom, Dad is not

having a torrid gay affair with a Chinese mafia kingpin.

Oh, no. I have to go.

You can't bring that in here. What are you talking about?

The one thing I got from my relationship with the clown is the ability to twist

whimsical novelty balloons into minidog shapes.

Aw, are you afraid Bree's gonna like my present better than yours?

It's not that. You don't understand. You can't bring helium in J -Pod.

Like your predecessor here, Evil Mark, he brought in helium once as well.

Evil Mark!

Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark!

Okay, get up.

He died of helium -induced hypoxia. Right there,

where you're standing.

Well, I tried.

Caitlin. We should have told you how evil Mark died. This never would have

happened at Apple. Who dies inhaling helium? You people are aliens.

Let me help you with that. Oh, I am fine.

Hurry back. There's cake in the lounge.

I'm not trying to feed you.

Ethan's in this building. Yeah, right below.

Same layout, too, except for the spare bedroom.

1 ,200 square feet, but with your player in style, it'll feel like 1 ,500 easy.

That's nice.

Well, the place is available if you want to move in now.

I like it. It's got a room down the hall here for when I get sole custody of my

son Connor.

Yeah, and if you need help moving, Ethan will help you. He takes care of the

place for me. That's why I let him live here rent -free.

Oh.

Mom? Greg, I'm worried sick.

I was gathering laundry, and I found sexually explicit photos of your father

having a gay torrid love affair with that Chinese mafia kingpin he dances

Mom, Dad is not phoning Kampong.

Hang on, that's my other cell ring.

Your cougar line?

Can't you date a woman under the age of 40? Is wanting grandchildren such a

crime? Yeah, look, I'm giving you the feed, Mom.

Hey, baby, guess what I'm doing?

Yeah, I'm showing that condo you and me made all our little movies in.

I'd be into it, but there's another guy here. It's kind of awkward.

Carol?

Hello, Stephen. Carol, I think I found my new condo.

It's got a peek -a -boo view of English Bay, and there's a decent -sized bedroom

for Connor far, far away from the master bedroom. And best of all, Carol, it's

right above Ethan's. Can you believe that? We'll be just like a family.

How interesting.

I need you to help me decorate, Carol. I need you to give me some of that Carol

magic.

Stephen, decorating is something you need to do for yourself.

It's your start -over space.

Please. No!

This is an oasis from the conflict of your former life.

I need that. I need that, Carol. I need an oasis.

And I need to get back to my computer. A man in Nigeria emailed me. He needs

help with a banking task.

Be creative. Be fresh.

Be Stephen.

Connor?

Connor, I'm home.

Hey, buddy.

I got you the most amazing birthday present.

Connor?

Did you?

I'll take it.

Are you nuts?

Why are you coming at me with a knife?

We're trying to see if there's any way to carry a large knife across the room

without looking psycho.

And?

It's impossible.

Want to try?

Where is she who shall not be named in her helium death tape?

Get rid of the evidence.

And look, guys, I know she's only been here a few weeks, but let's go easy on

her.

Ethan, why don't you just tell her how you feel?

Yeah. Surprise her at the prom during the slow dance.

Yeah, I'm Molly Ringwald. I wish Judd Nelson and or Rob Lowe would just tell

how they felt about me. Yeah.

Roger!

This is... Bree, it's your birthday?

Yeah, the guys made it for me.

Happy birthday.

Thanks. For he's a jolly good fellow, why not just use the birthday song?

Copyright issue.

The old lady who owns the song wants something like $100 million of pop to

it. It's insane. She's like the most vicious copyright enforcer on the

I want the birthday song embedded into Bordex for my son Connor. His birthday's

coming up, too. This card will be my secret message to him.

Yeah, but Steve, John Doe just said it was a fortune.

Yeah, so?

All that money just for a secret message?

Swing a deal.

Okay, podsters, gotta go.

Remember...

Joy, mirth, laughter, child's love. Oh, and Ethan. Yeah?

I bought the condo upstairs from you.

What? Greg sold it to me. We're neighbors.

Carol, I just want to spend the day hanging out with Cam Fong.

Hanging? What's hanging?

Is that a new slang for something unspeakable?

You know, you are so paranoid.

Honey, I've made a blueberry crumble.

It's in the oven. It's ready in minutes.

Oh, that sounds great.

I gotta go.

I made a rose water whipped cream.

Dinner is at 7 .30.

Jim, I think you're pussy whipped.

No, I'm not pussy whipped.

But guys who are, how do they do it?

Simple. Get another wife or two.

My father had four.

He was divorced that many times?

No, he simply had four wives at the same time.

If he was in the doghouse with one, he was fine with three others. It is a

terrific system.

I think you need cheering up.

I have an idea.

You are going to give yourself a throat holiday.

Driver.

Having a bad moment, Bree?

Yeah, well, my birthday card and it's being corrupted by Steve.

Well, for what it's worth, we all love you.

Thank you, John Doe.

Well, pay it forward, Bree.

That is the stupidest expression ever invented.

Caitlin Joyce from Neotronic Arts.

I'm calling to discuss licensing the birthday song.

If someone would please call me back.

Hey,

everybody having a good time here?

Right? Thank you.

Yes, yes. That was an old classic.

Like my friend Camp Pong here.

Uh, make sure you don't miss out on those Roman Gatorade shots the girls are

circulating with, and I still have a karaoke sign -up sheet, okay? Lots of

left there. Hey!

Cam Fong.

Who are all these people?

What the hell are you doing in my apartment?

Ethan, no need to have a hissy fit here.

Cam Fong's favorite karaoke room is being fumigated, so we thought.

Dad, this is my friggin' apartment, and you've turned it into a drunken hazing

ritual.

Get out of here!

Oh, well, excuse me, Ethan. I don't remember busting you when you and your

buddies used to show up, drink my alcohol, which, incidentally, they

down. Bar girls, a double vodka tonic for this young liquor thief.

Ethan, it is your turn to sing?

No. Nope.

I'm going to bed.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Ethan. I'm a big pussy with no sense of humor.

Hello, this is Ethan speaking.

If I were a real man, I would come out and bow in disgrace before my hard

-working father.

Mom thinks you and Cam Fong are having a gay affair.

Oh, very funny. Maybe she's right.

Tomorrow I'm telling her I caught the two of you wearing tiny leather vests

shopping for Spice Fracks.

Gay.

Such ridiculousness.

Show tune, Ethan?

One drink.

Yes! Party, party! Hello,

this is Caitlin Joyce calling again from Neotronic Arts.

I know I've left a lot of messages, but, uh, hello?

Hello, uh, is this an actual human being?

Hi, uh, thank you for answering.

This is, uh, Caitlin Joyce calling from Neutronic Arts. Uh, do you have a

second?

Let's do this!

And now, in an act of atonement for all his crimes committed against his

parents, Ethan Jarliski will sing us his version of Air Supply's classic power

ballad, All Out of Love.

Back your performers.

Get this whole thing on tape.

By this time tomorrow, this fool's behavior will be seen everywhere on

Beautiful day out today, partner.

Huh?

Sure.

Yes, sirree, nothing could possibly go wrong on a day like today.

Cowboy, what are you doing out here?

Just waiting for you, pal.

There's something I want to show you.

There's some kind of general meeting I forgot about.

It's been in a constant loop since 6 a .m. this morning.

How did this even happen?

I want to make this river bank the best in the world.

After you make it, I will give you a bowl of soup. I order you to do it now.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I can't be too late so

that I can't go wrong.

He's collapsed in a puddle of his own vomit.

The number three viral clip on earth.

Congratulations, buddy.

Carol, I've only slept here one night.

And, well, Not to be the nosy neighbor, but... But, uh... Boy, there sure

was a... A bit of a racket coming upstairs from Ethan's place last night.

Racket? Was it a Carol might get a grandchild out of that kind of racket?

Good morning!

Steven, I have to go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Carol, wait. Look, I was going to go out and buy a few stylish chairs for the

condo. You want to come?

Steven, you're a modern, masculine man. Some Eames chairs, big art in the walls,

stay away from the ruffles, you'll be fine. Just don't go all theme on me.

Goodbye, Steven.

Bye, Carol.

Any luck tracing the IP address of whoever uploaded that clip?

None. What are you doing?

Contacting all two, begging them to remove my masterpiece.

Meet me in the parking lot, Caitlin.

Time to face the music, buddy.

Be right back.

What's up, Mike?

Caitlin, last night I got really drunk and my dad and I...

I'm having a very special guest today. I have booked the executive boardroom.

What were you going to say?

Nothing. Never mind.

Hi. Hey, could you do me a favor? After we've dropped all of these off, could

you get everybody to meet me in the boardroom?

Sure. No problem.

Good day.

Honey, I need to borrow your dad's stun gun for half an hour.

Why? Intruder?

No, Cam Fong's gonna record me stun gunning myself so we can post it on the

internet.

Words fail me.

Oh, it's not what you think. Cam Fong tells me that there's a TV show in Hong

Kong called White Ghost.

Every week they air the top ten most popular all -tube videos.

The ones featuring North Americans doing really stupid stuff.

And he's got a way to rig it so that...

He wins the top $500 prize every week.

And you think people want to see you stun gunning yourself?

Well, I believe people are ready to see the joyful side of stun gunning.

And think of it, it's finally a chance for me to be on a top -rated TV show in

what is technically a speaking role.

Jim, this was my father's favorite stun gun.

Just be careful with it.

Thanks, honey.

You know, Ethan's already gone viral.

Maybe I can, too.

Ethan's viral?

What are we doing here? I don't know. Caitlin seemed happy. I didn't want to

question it further.

Okay? I'd like you all to meet Lila Theron.

Hi. Hello. Please.

Lila is the owner of the copyright to the birthday song.

And it just turns out that Lila lives only 25 miles away from Neotronic Arts

an island she owns up the coast.

And she graciously came in today to meet with us.

So, let's meet then.

Okay?

Here's the deal.

I want $10 million up front and 6 % of all gross revenues.

plus an option against the purchase and the right to cancel the entire project

at the end if it doesn't meet my quality standards.

Caitlin, what's she talking about?

What is she talking about?

You told me you wanted to make Happy Birthday the video game.

Lila, there's a sequence in a game we've been working on and we thought it might

be nice to...

Look.

We have coffee and delicious pastries for everybody.

Excuse me. Sorry.

My mother.

His mother?

Mom.

Mom. Ethan.

What's this your father tells me about you being viral?

What are you talking about?

Are you experiencing genital blisters or running sores located on the perianal

region, the strip of skin that stretches between the rectum and the forward

genital region?

You mean the video that went viral.

Video? Yeah, you'll see it soon enough.

Is that dad screaming?

Your father's gay Chinese mafia kingpin lover is taping a film of your father

stun gunning himself.

What is going on with you two?

Everything's fine, Ethan. I'm simply trying to figure out whether to serve

shiitake mushroom tapenade or goose liver pate on melba toast at their gay

wedding.

Mom, don't you think you should do something before he hurts himself?

When I was a teenager, We use my father's stun gun all the time.

Zafra, too, and the tosh actually gives the woman a really nice complexion. But

this.

Ethan, I want you to talk some sense into him, and I want you to do it right

now. Mom, I'm in a meeting.

And I'm in a tizzy. I need some help here. I really, really do.

Oh, my God, Cam. Fong just crushed my tomato seedlings.

You see, I can smell a copyright violation a mile away.

Yeah, but putting the song in the game would be from the heart.

You know, for the kids.

I hate children.

Guys, I have to step out for a minute.

It's really important to my boss that we be able to put this song in the game.

Look at me.

Come on, look into my eyes.

Okay. Compared to you, I'm 4 ,000 years old. And when you get to be this old,

you can read a person like you read a book.

Honey, I got your act down.

Do you now?

Do you now?

You used to be fat, didn't you?

Huh? Huh?

What? I can always tell a former lord has. Mila, please.

And you're a real basket case, too, I bet.

You couldn't handle a relationship if it drove over you with a truck.

I work hard to try to better myself.

Oh.

What do you do other than co -found royalties?

Oh, touche.

You're a real pleaser, too, aren't you?

Fucking up to all your bosses.

Just a big, fat, overstuffed kid that.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you.

You're the resident slut boy, aren't you?

Had enough cheap sex lately?

I can never get enough.

You're afraid of death, aren't you?

Sure you are. Yeah, I can see it in your eyes.

Your eyes are like two deep wells filled with drowned toddlers.

You're not going to be happy until you take death out on a date.

Hey, stop that.

It's not all bad.

I saw you over here smiling, you quaking blob of fear.

What, me?

What, me?

It's always like that with you fear girls, isn't it?

Your biggest fear is that your daddy's going to walk in here and judge you to

an infertile, barren...

Manless failure.

You're a monster.

Am I?

Hey, virgin, pushing 30.

You make me sick. You'd rather fondle an Ikea catalog than touch a real woman's

body.

Stop it.

Just stop it right now. What gives you the right to judge my friends like this?

I can take it, but please leave them out of it.

I'm leaving.

No, you're not.

Apologize. No.

You idiots dragged me away from my palatial island estate so you could take

sacred song. What the hell? What are you doing? I am holding you until you

apologize.

Cowboy, John Doe. John Doe.

Easy, easy.

I am so not apologizing.

Can't keep her here.

Help me roll Old Birthday Lake back into the J -Pod.

Don't run, you poor dog.

Wait, get the other door.

Wait, keep a lookout.

Where's Dad?

Editing a stun gun video at Camp Fong's secret love nest.

Mom!

Okay, he's with Camp Fong.

Ethan!

What do you think of young Stephen?

Steve, he's dorky in a Ned Flanders kind of way.

I don't think he's evil or anything.

He's a little bit needy.

Ethan, Stephen may be on the needy side.

But sometimes it's nice to be needed.

No.

Mom, I think you and Dad need to start spending more time together.

Ask Dad for some special attention.

Go out someplace nice for dinner.

Reconnect. Pretend to be interested in ballroom dancing.

The devil had too much free time on his hands when he invented ballroom dancing.

No. Mom, no negativity.

Give it a shot. Try and meet Dad halfway.

You're right.

I'm just lonely.

But, Ethan, I need passion in my life. I need intimacy. Why doesn't your father

know that?

Mom, stop.

Isn't it something you discuss with your son?

Cowboy, what's up?

Ethan, I've got a cold red.

Come on, what happened?

Just come.

Mom, stay away from Steve.

And stop making fire logs out of old newspapers.

The smoke from burning papers is worse than throwing them in the trash.

Recycle them.

I believe she's ready to apologize.

Congratulations, you've moved me. Ergo, you have upgraded your crime from

unlawful confinement to kidnapping.

Ka -ching, ka -ching!

Yes, she's not ready.

Intruder alert!

Monsters!

Dare I ask about Connor's video birthday card, huh? Is it in the game?

How are you?

Is it all wrapped up? Done. It is all wrapped up indeed, Steve.

Apostres, I love you. I love you to bits.

What's that?

Oh.

I'm doing a mural for my apartment.

It's a website that lets you print out images and then you paste them together

to make huge murals.

A mural?

Like a big... I like it. Can you send me the link?

Sure, yeah.

Good work, team.

See you later. Bye, Steve.

That was close.

Is that he?

Yeah.

So you really think that... This video can win me the White Ghost Award.

Indeed. This is a viral video for the ages.

What music do you want to use?

How about Ethan's song from last night?

I agree.

It shall be done.

Then we're ready to celebrate.

Excellent idea.

How shall we do this?

Let's get hammered and show these porn stars some real ballroom.

You have chosen wisely, Jim Jarlowski.

You are truly a man of the people.

Add that song to this clip and upload it onto Altium.

Why'd you want me to rush back?

You don't want to talk to Caitlin about that.

Caitlin.

Huh?

Good God.

Relax.

Everyone's family is a disaster, not yours.

Uh, in the meantime, we have a problem.

Guys?

Are you crazy nut?

Uh, she totally deserved it. Don't try and guilt us that way.

Guys, you just kidnapped the most litigious person on earth.

Caitlin, you're an American who's just committed a serious crime in another

country. They're going to chuck you in jail and throw away the key.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear.

I really think what you want to do right now is appeal to her humanity.

Yeah, she doesn't have any.

You need an exit strategy now.

Lila.

I'm about to tell you the saddest story ever told.

Oh, great.

There was a little girl who grew up in a trailer.

And all she ever wanted was a puppy.

And on her sixth birthday, she ran into the trailer's kitchen area and there, on

the floor...

was a box with a big bow on it.

And she knew it contained a puppy.

There were six candles on the cake.

Three were leftover stubs, and three were just popsicle sticks lit on fire.

She bent over to blow out the candles, but her father's mullet caught fire, and

there was much screaming.

Now, because of the commotion, they didn't see the approaching tornado,

sucked the trailer up into the air and dropped it 500 yards away

in the parking lot of a Popeye's chicken.

Only half of the puppy that was inside that box was ever found.

And Lila, that little girl, was me.

And that's my happy birthday memory.

Your song has given hope to children all around the world. They expect their

birthday to be happy.

Now, if their birthdays aren't totally happy, do they go and sue you?

Are we

okay?

No.

Geez, lady, you're a sociopath.

Oh, write it on your check, Tony Bennett. Hey, I saw your video this

when I was checking out my usual sites.

Very snazzy work. I saw that. It's no big deal.

Wait a minute. What are you guys talking about?

Let's tape her up again.

Why don't you just think this is another song, lover boy?

You need to be quiet now.

Well, then take off your shirt.

What next?

This woman is insane.

Yeah, and mean.

Why is she so mean?

Screw my exit strategy theory. We need an exorcist.

What have I done?

Greg never calls me.

Greg, thank you for ruining my night.

What? Thanks to you and parental guilt, I had to skip Cougar Night tonight to go

watch you and Dad on some Chinese game show.

Are you on drugs?

No, not right now.

Your video is competing with Dad's on Chinese TV.

Since when did you and Dad start making videos?

Now is not the time to explain why Dad and I make videos, Greg. It's basically

karaoke gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Ethan?

Greg, you didn't hear anything. Look, Greg, I have to go.

Ethan, this is probably the weirdest question I've ever asked.

But do you have a woman named Lila Theron gagged and screaming beside you?

No.

Maybe. Wait, how did you know that? Oh, my God.

You've got the cougar gene, too.

Greg, shut up.

Wow, you've even skipped cougars and gone all the way to jaguars.

Finally, we have something in common. I'm proud of you.

Where did you meet her?

It's a long story.

Hey, did you film everything?

She loves to watch and be watched.

Oh.

Tell me everything.

Lila, roll around in the money some more. You're really, really filthy

Money, money, money.

Oh, money, money.

That's mine.

Give me the money. Yeah, give me the money. Wolf them down.

Cough it out, Lila.

Cough it out.

Take that, you dirty money.

I owe you.

You're mine.

Wow.

Lila, I want you to promise not to sue us for kidnapping, not to sue us for

psychological damages, and to say I'm sorry to each and every podster.

This is a complete release, freeing us from any liability.

Yeah, I'm going to need you to sign right here.

Or with one click of Ethan's mouth, your dirty little movie is going to go

public.

You wouldn't.

I'm going to untie your arms.

Happy birthday to me.

Yeah, embryos.

Bye -bye, birthday lady.

Nice.

Upload complete.

Where are you parked?

Out in the sticks.

You know, if you got here earlier, you'd get a better parking spot.

Well, if you get here later, we get to walk together a while longer.

One more minute.

It's not cutting.

The video clips to be judged are shown during the first ten minutes of the

Dad, what are you doing? Nothing. I just want to see if tonight is a new law and

order. Put it back to the show. The show started.

Well, I want to, but I can't find the right button here. You've got a

remote system. Ethan, take the remote from Dad. No, I can fix it. Thank you.

Dad, how come you always manage the one button on the remote that makes the TV

self -destruct? Give me the remote. No! Jim, you were always doing this. Why

can't you just admit you can't read the buttons on the remote?

Ethan, take the remote away from your father.

There. Now you've destroyed Ethan's coffee table. Are you happy now? What a

goof. I can fix it.

Your TV system, Ethan, is like a Russian space shuttle. Don't blame my TV.

This should fix it. Dad, we're missing everything.

Here. Ow!

That hurts! You and your freaking IKEA furniture!

Never mind. Get out of the way. You know, the way to fix this is I unplug

TV, we start all over again. No, no, no. No way are you getting off the hook by

unplugging the TV. You started this mess, and you're going to fix it like a

Father has already ruined the coffee table. That's just great. You just bail

when things get a bit tough. Good role model you are. Don't you sack your

father. What is with this family?

Ethan, families are families, and they're always messy.

You're terrible.

Way to go, numbnuts. I'm fed up, too, you know?

I'm gonna go take a monster crap, and I'm naming it after both of you.

I'm outta here.

Go to my room.

Lock the doors when you leave.

Oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my, oh

my.

Hey, Carol.

Something I have to confess to you.

I was wondering when we were going to have this conversation.

Sweetheart, I am seriously questioning my dream of being an actor.

What?

I'm just not sure I have the goods for it.

Nonsense.

You are wonderful.

Don't you ever doubt yourself.

And please, tell me if you're feeling low.

Well, when you tell me I'm wonderful, that works.

All I ask is, you put a lid on your gay lifestyle?

You really think that Cam Fong and I...

I mean, you think I'm into man -muff?

Well, I... Sweetheart, I'm into you, like I always have been. I'm into you,

I'm into that, and those, and all that stuff I've always been into.

Come on, you crazy woman.

Thinking of you till it hurts.

I know you hurt too.

But what else can we do?

Tormented and torn apart.

I wish I could carry your smile in my heart.

For times when my life's been so low.

I'll make you believe what tomorrow could bring. When today doesn't

I know you were right.

Leaving for so long. I'm all out of love.

What am I without you? I can't be too late.