Original subtitles

Previously on J -Pod. I'm John Doe. I was born Juniper with a small J because

mom's a very hippie lesbian.

Isn't that Caitlin? That is Caitlin.

I think I might finally have my first speaking role.

That's wonderful.

Ah, you want a part in a game?

A speaking part.

I moved here for love.

That isn't here anymore.

A vintage Defendoid shirt.

Thank you.

I got you that because I thought you'd wear it.

I did wear it. And I realize it's far too valuable for that.

Everyone ready?

Yeah.

And with that, Vortex is back to what it does best.

developing hand -eye coordination skills in tandem with effortless gore. Ethan,

that gore sequence of yours is one of the best I've ever seen.

You think so?

There's no way we won't kill at our internal prototype presentation.

Here he comes.

Kick him again.

Hello, girl.

Stephen, hello.

I was just in the neighborhood and I thought I'd pop by and say hello. Well,

and I are just watching a marathon of Kicked in the Nut. It gives me such a

lift. Girl, I can't see you.

Stephen, my head's beneath me.

It's been ages since I've been acting in it.

It's the only thing in life right now that raises my spirits. Jim doesn't need

you. He needs work. I need you. So I have something to say to your husband,

I'm going to say it. Oh, Stephen, please.

Carol, can I introduce me to your friend?

Why did we come to a place that caters to human spawn?

After a weekend at my mother's lesbian vegetarian commune, I need heavily

processed meat -based food products.

Caitlin, your salad.

Now a 30 % real edit.

Caitlin, soft drink?

No, thanks. I cannot stomach the stuff.

Gastric bypass, huh?

No, it just tastes like bad memories.

My mama races on no -name cola.

So she called it mixer? When I was growing up, I used to yearn for Coke and

Pepsi. As a teen cola virgin, I snuck over to the bait shop three miles away

bought bottles of each. I opened them up and had this big woo moment when I

tasted them.

And? Mary Kate versus Ashley.

Sacrilege. Cola should be more than bad memories of trailer park vendors.

I hereby vow that I, Ethan Jarlowski, will create the cola of the gods and

restore your faith in carbonated beverages.

Clowns working. Hey! Hey, kids, it's me, Clownsworthy. Who's ready to party?

Childhood fear of clowns. Are you serious?

I never joke about clowns.

Birthdays are fun.

Okay,

now, where's the birthday boy?

Kevin. Caitlin. I knew it was you. I left everything to follow you here, and

then you dumped me? Okay, baby, you know I'm sorry. It's the stupidest thing

that I've ever done, okay? You just disappeared, Kevin. I didn't know

here. I was a fool. I was a fool, Caitlin. Come here.

Hey, keep your sticking clown mitts off the lady. Step up, you nerd.

This is a private conversation. It's okay, Ethan. I've got it covered.

Hey.

Dude,

I didn't mean to hit you.

Oh, my gosh.

Blood.

Clown blood.

Kevin, are you okay? Ethan, how could you hit a clown?

It was an accident.

Oh, it's fine. A little bit of nursing.

Look, man, I'm sorry. I didn't... Go.

You've done enough damage.

Oh.

Okay.

Jim, I'm Ethan's boss, Stephen Lefkowitz, but you can call me Steve.

I've certainly heard a lot about you. Really?

Really, dear. We should let Stephen go. He's a busy man. Jim, I'd like to offer

you a job doing voiceover work for some of our video games at Neutronic Arts.

What?

Doing voice work? That'll certainly take you away from home for long days at a

time while recording in our offices, but Carol can live without you.

Well, she'll just have to get used to it, partner.

Hey, Carol, what do you think? Steve's offering me a job doing voice work.

You're going to get your money's worth.

How generous of young Steven.

Fantastic.

Caitlin dated Clownsworthy? I thought she was just a formerly overweight,

mother. I think you know someone.

You can't come to my cubicle if I don't let it.

Dude, he's not a vampire.

Or a clown turns vampire every time. I don't want to talk about it.

Hey, if I have a new enemy, I prefer to know who the enemy actually is. He's my

ex, okay?

Ex?

His name's Kevin, and we met in California when I was working at Apple,

was a struggling actor.

Was? He's a spokesclown. He's good.

And he got his big break, a recurring role on Moongate.

So we moved up here, and then they wrote him out after four episodes.

And then he tried coaching kid actors for a while, but even that didn't last

long. Let me get this straight. So you give up a sweet job at Apple to move up

here with Chuckles?

It's not like he asked the TV series to dump him. He's had a hard time, Ethan.

You're defending him. Didn't he break up with you?

I know him better than anyone else in this city.

We have history, and that's worth something to me.

And you know what would be nice?

If you went and apologized to him.

You're right.

Ethan, John Doe is cooking up some of his mother's lasagna.

Make that les -anya.

Yeah, this whole afternoon is making me feel bingey. I'm going to go to the

overeater, then I'm going to eat.

Lesbiananya.

Oh, you want a piece of me? Come and get it. I got a piece for you.

Oh, hockey is just such a brutal sport. Perhaps that's why I'm so drawn to it.

Honey, I think you're overdoing it.

You know, the problem is you don't believe in me.

Steve is my star maker. He believes in me.

Jim, just be careful. Of what?

Apparently the wife, she ain't too supportive of the voiceover career.

So I would simply go to Arby's and study how the common folk speak.

Hello, Carol.

Some caviar, a flute of champagne.

Stephen, I... What a wonderful picnic spread.

All four food groups are well represented.

All for you. Please, join me.

Well, okay.

Only because I didn't eat breakfast today.

I know, I know. Never skip breakfast. Guilty.

Oh, my.

No, it's not the slow suicide of eating a Shirley burger, but this meal often

comes guilt -laden with the fact that I stole it from my mother's freezer.

Bon appetit.

Roxy cold can of Mary Kay, Johnny? Or is this the Ashley?

Hey, Ethan, if you're serious about making J -Cola, we could all pitch in

launch with the prototype on Friday.

Yeah, we could use the help.

Bree, could you locate cola powder?

Yep. Cowboy, how about sourcing a beverage carbonation system?

done. And John Doe, we need a sweetener and a caramel -type coloring agent.

Why do you want to make a cola so badly?

For fun. To subvert cola corporations.

For Caitlin.

Uh, you know what? I should really go apologize to that clown.

Uh, Ethan wants to make nice with his nemesis to impress the girl.

You've got to be bad.

Steven, I finally touched your lunch. I must admit, Carol, I'm a little nervous.

I get so giddy when I'm around you.

Stephen, I know you're disappointed that your marriage didn't work out, but you

have a wonderful son.

Whom I get to see every Sunday from one to four, Carol.

But you have Ethan in your life. You can see him any time you want.

Yes, but I really want his grandchildren.

Jim and I have done everything we could to encourage the boys to breed, but

still, year after year, the jungle Jim goes unused.

I even have a name picked out for my future granddaughter, Glenda. After the

good witch.

Who?

Stephen,

please don't raise Jim's hopes too high.

He's more sensitive than you realize, and lately he's had many disappointments

in his acting career.

Carol, it won't be a disappointment.

I promise you.

The granddaughter I have yet to have, I'd like to see.

A game with girls in it. Girls who are sporty and content with the breath that

nature gave them.

I like it, Carol.

Yes? Cheers.

Oh, carbohydrate coma.

Fosters, I want a female skater character added to the Vortex game

What? Steve, we're doing an internal prototype presentation for all your

executive buddies on Friday. Like, this Friday. Yeah, all the more reason to

make the game shine by adding a girl.

Yeah, but once the voice record is finished, we're on track for Friday. And

more changes are going to jam up our schedule. The girl needs a name.

Glenda. The girl's name is Glenda.

Okay, seriously?

I think a girl character is going to look like a transparent cheesy ploy to

attract female gamers. I think what Bree's trying to say is that bloodbaths

a sadistic mall cop maybe aren't good starting points for a girl in this game.

Yeah. I want a girl who inspires other girls.

Someone strong and confident. Someone like her.

Hello. Mom.

Hello, Juniper.

My name's John Doe. Just as I suspected.

So I took a lasagna. What's the big deal? I spent hours preparing that for a

postnatal truth ritual to reconnect Rain Shine back to her cycle.

She and her baby are very, very upset, Junie. It's absolutely delicious.

The tofu?

Placenta.

Why do you always have to... Sorry, guys.

Relax, guys.

Polenta's just ground up cornmeal.

Where are you going?

Well, I have to break the news to my women, don't I?

You don't even want to see what I do?

You've done more than enough for one day, don't you think?

It's so much since we split.

You know, being a spokesperson has taught me a lot about positivity and

compassion. Really?

You haven't complimented me on losing 150 pounds.

True. But I'm sorry. I've got to be honest, Caitlin. When I look into your

you know, I see the woman I loved.

Not the smoking hot new body.

Come back.

I need you.

A lot.

At least agree to see me again.

When? I work all day and go to night school.

Oh.

Yeah, I have to get my high school equivalency degree.

What? You worked for Apple? Yeah.

Listen, not only are you a stone -cold fox, but you're probably the smartest

person that I know.

Well, I could probably meet you tomorrow for lunch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you, Kevin.

Glug, glug, glug.

How goes our new girl character?

I cut and pasted boobs onto Skater Dude and removed his scruff.

I'm just putting on the finishing touches.

Wow. I was expecting a post -op tranny at best, but that looks really sweet.

Kudos.

So, uh, how was last night's Overeaters Anonymous meeting?

Great. Thanks.

Friends, I give you the dispensing fountain for the soda of the gods.

Where'd you find it?

Craigslist. I traded it for my old anal beads and a gig of RAM.

Uh, I, uh, I gotta go.

See ya.

What's up?

We do. Night.

He's going back to her old boyfriend, I can tell.

Ethan, no one understands the human heart. Why don't you just relax?

I've just got a bad feeling about this guy.

Shall I commence a Google -enhanced full -cavity search on him?

Make it so.

Well, here's a scene from Moongate where he played Gallus.

Tell the Trachealians that the people of Plantera 6 will not tolerate their

attack.

His character had a four -episode arc.

In his second episode, an alien laid a bunch of eggs in his brain.

The larva hatched in the third.

And by the fourth, his remnants became a permanent incubating cocoon. Only actor

on the show to not have his own MySpace fan page.

Even the larva have their own fan page. What else?

Right after Caitlin and Kevin broke up, he started dating the show's female

lead, Lauren B. Maxwell.

In three months, she'd gained a record 167 pounds.

Ishii is sunning in Saint -Tropez. Soon after the paparazzi snapped this shot,

she fell into a diabetic coma from which she may never emerge.

Kevin is a feeder.

A feeder? Someone who gets off overfeeding loved ones in the hopes

rendered unattractive to the rest of the population.

Caitlin barely escaped while he's luring her back.

Change of plans.

J -Cola must be a diet cola.

In the fight against crime, there are

two equally important parts.

Maybe just stick to the script.

Oh, this thing? Yeah, oh yeah, I can do that.

You bored like a grommet. Grommet? Is that English?

Cut. Grommet?

Jim, just limber up, dude.

More limber than that?

Yeah. Okay.

Got it. Okay.

Nail the Aussie, dude.

Ollie. It's Ollie. Like Ollie, Ollie Oxenfree.

I'm doing a turtle here.

Yeah. Huh?

One second. I got the turtle sound.

Nail the Aussie, dude.

I'm glad you know what my real business is, Stephen.

It's not like I can go down to the Union Hall and talk shop.

Girl power.

I love it.

I absolutely love it, Carol. It's what you're all about. You know we're

putting a female character into Ethan's new game?

Really? Maybe the future will be a good place to visit after all.

Incoming.

Hello? Steve.

Cowboy. Yeah, I'm, uh... One second. I'm going to a meeting.

What can I do for you?

Ethan's dad is... pathetic.

We will solve things, but the talent in question will not be fired, okay? He

can't make a single line work.

Going into a tunnel. Gotta go.

Let me help you with that. Work.

Just can't do anything without me.

There we go. Isn't that nice? Steve!

Ethan. What are you doing here?

Young Steven of the Life Intellectrician. Wasn't always saving

their time of need, you know.

What's the commotion?

I told you you wouldn't believe me.

Ethan, try me.

Caitlin's ex -boyfriend is a failed actor who now works as a haggard,

spokes -clown mascot for a burger franchise because his career as an

coach fizzled.

Acting coach?

You'll have to excuse me.

Go on.

Anyway, I accidentally hit him in the nose yesterday and he started bleeding,

Caitlin's all like, oh, I feel sorry for you.

So I'm blending her a batch of the world's hatiest diet colas to be

this Friday's in -house prototype demonstration of our new video game.

Oh, Ethan.

You always wear the smart one.

I'm also going to be doing a little recon.

Make sure she's safe.

Caitlin's worth fighting for, Ethan.

She's the closest thing we have to her. It's making me a young grandmother.

Kevin, I... I want you back.

I need you back.

Hi. Hi. What are you doing? On a break.

Are you kidding?

Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug.

Chug.

is being stripped of its violent core, its very soul.

Well, what are we supposed to do? Steve wants a girl. We need to walk the line

between girl power and emotionally satisfying carnage. That's just the sort

thing my mother would know. She used to run a women's shelter.

He'll bring her in.

We're not on speaking terms after the lasagna incident.

Oh, yeah.

is co -worker, aren't you?

Yes. Come on in. Join the ritual.

What's your name?

I'm Bree.

And can I talk to you for just a second?

Of course you can, sister.

But we're in the middle of a ritual here.

Why don't you sit down?

Okay.

Hi.

I imagine that Juniper sent you.

I know he doesn't know... Thanks.

He doesn't know anything about this. I'm here because he needs your help.

I cannot condone my son's violent career.

Violent. Okay, it's not like he's clubbing baby seals.

John Doe's a good man. He's sensitive and he's honest and he's kind and he's

trading in violence and death. He's thrown away every gift I've instilled in

him. He even cast off his own real name.

Like you've cast off the name that your mother gave you. And for what?

To call yourself freedom.

You should have just called yourself prison.

That's all you've ever been to him. Hey!

Juniper was a very happy boy on the commune. He snuck out of the commune to

cola from the bait shop.

He did what?

Mm -hmm.

Maybe if you focused as much attention on your son as you do on your precious

rituals...

I followed Caitlin to Shirleyburg. He wouldn't believe what I saw.

Shh. It's in the building.

What's with him?

Ethan, thank you.

For what?

For telling Steve about Kevin.

Steve hired him to be your dad's new acting coach.

Chuckle, huckle, huckle.

Too tart, too bitter, too soapy, too weird.

We need to find the right sugar substitute.

Personally, I prefer number two. No sugar additive whatsoever.

No way, man. It tastes like carbonated road tar.

Shouldn't you guys be working on Glenda? Technically, one would think.

This is way more fun.

It's truly a breakfast bun, huh?

The kind where the bun is replaced by two donuts?

Is that from Kevin?

We have two days to deliver this prototype. A high -calorie breakfast is

essential.

Caitlin, I totally know what's going on. I've seen you with him at Shirley

Burger.

Fying on me now? There are things you don't understand.

No, I understand plenty. Think anything you want of Kevin, at least he's not a

stalker. And he's going to help your father.

Mom? Ethan?

I can't find the blue pliers.

Do you know where they are? I think they're next to the ping -pong table.

Nope. Already looked there.

Hey, Mom?

Yes, dear?

You really thought you liked someone and thought they might be in a bad

situation.

Would you tell them, even if it wrecked the, uh, friendship?

Good God, Eden. Never tell anybody anything unless you absolutely have to.

Too much truth, everybody ends up in tears.

The method requires that you become the turtle, Jim.

How? What memory do I have to draw on here?

I want you to think of a wildlife documentary. Think of the one where the

extinct baby turtles are scampering down at the beach, just scampering down, and

the seagulls are attacking them and they're eating them.

And the human camera crew stands by idly doing nothing to save them.

I'm angry.

Yes, no.

Stay your line.

Sick, boneless, off the rail.

Yeah, I have no idea what I'm saying, but I'm saying it now as though I do.

method is great stuff.

Amazing.

Cowboy. I have a word with you.

This is about the coach. The stains aren't from me.

Cowboy, it's no secret that...

a certain flair with the ladies.

Well, there's a certain lady that, well, I'm interested in.

Try as I may, I just, I'm not able to ink the deal.

How do you make them fall for you?

Sure that you can do something, anything, really, really well,

it's something she can brag about to her lady friends, if you know what I mean.

You do that, she'll be yours forever.

You mean like a magic trick?

I learned a magic trick. Yeah, I showed my son Connor a magic trick and he

thought it was just fantastic.

That's perfect, yeah.

Thanks, buddy.

Got those skin textures you wanted?

Sure, great.

Maybe I can go through them with you, see which ones you like.

Ethan, I'm too busy.

Oh, God.

How are we going to mix women and violence without committing some sort of

politically incorrect thought crime?

He was all like, you're in Tokyo.

And I was like, dude, they're my nipples. They're not detachable.

Oh, my God.

Mom.

Yep.

No offense, Caitlin, but your design for Glenda was a little too My Little Pony

Me after -school special.

I think freedom can help.

Show me what you've got.

Really? Yep.

All right.

Hey!

Well, you're right. Your Glenda character is truly fallacial.

Okay, goddess of judgment. I don't need your negativity on top of everything

else. Hold on a second.

I didn't come to judge.

I came to help.

You're my flesh and blood, kid. Half your flesh and blood.

Right. That turkey baster sure helped in raising you.

Did I not teach you that women are stronger than that? She's watered down.

Truth is, you gotta be bigger, bolder.

Life is dangerous. I'd love to see what the boys do in this game.

Show her the dumpster sequence.

Right?

Well, there's your Glenda right there.

The mall cop?

Yeah.

But he's so violent. Well, as a man, yes. But you make him into a woman,

got an equal opportunity butt kicker.

Can you do that? Can you just put some breath on him, maybe, and swap his head

for hers?

That's actually dead simple.

Swapping Mall Cop to a chick is genius. Dude, your mom's good.

Wait.

What is this abomination?

Jennifer, is this cola? Uh, we're making a carbonated diet beverage.

Uh -huh.

Well, I hope it's to subvert the dominant paternal corporate society,

Sure, something like that. We just can't find a reasonable sugar substitute.

Well, uh, you know an excellent sugar substitute.

But you all said that was sacred to the feminine.

Well, perhaps I was treating it a little too sacred.

Ethan, I may have just the thing.

Dude, you just nutted in the railing.

People grind on that lip.

How's our talented voice actor doing? Natural.

I just needed to build a proper foundation.

He's recorded all of Dwight the Turtle's lines.

Really?

And you're just rearing for more, right, Jim?

Bring it on.

Why don't you try tackling Glenda? She's our new power chick character. We just

put her in the video game. Kevin, what's the plan?

Okay, uh, yeah, well, Steve, I think we'll probably start by trying to get

the head of Glenda's character, ad -libbing, whatnot.

Ad -libbing, perfect, that's great. Ad -libbing, you just kind of make up the

dialogue as you go along, having no idea really where it's gonna end up. That's

great, keep it up.

Cripes. Doing a turtle's one thing, but a girl, that's a stretch.

I'll have to get a real limber for that.

I hear you, Jim, I hear you.

Spence memory.

And memory.

Okay. What makes a woman a woman? What is it that women have that

we don't?

Tickle bitty.

Breasts. Oh, they are my kryptonite. A woman can get anything she wants simply

by pointing them at me. Too bad I don't have breasts.

We'll get you some. Just know the half -sized circumference of breasts.

And you've practically swapped gender.

And so, even though the recipe calls for cinnamon, I use nutmeg.

Imagine that.

Stephen, you're a magician.

I know a few tricks.

You are too modest.

It's clearly something you do very, very well.

Thank you, Caroline.

I hope you saved some room. It's gelato time.

Just let me go freshen up first.

Yeah. Go ahead.

Hey.

I came to apologize to you, Kevin, for accidentally hitting you.

Accidentally? Yeah.

And as a show of good faith, I'd like to invite you to a prototype demonstration

we're having at J -Pod.

I'm launching a new cola we're making for Caitlin.

Hey,

Caitlin doesn't even drink cola.

Well, she'll be drinking this one.

It's diet.

Hi, honey.

I'm looking for my optimal heft.

Jim, I don't know how much more of your acting career I can take. I married a

man, you'll recall.

Oh, it's not me. It's the method. You know how it works. I'm supposed to

the core of a new character, and in order to understand her, I have to be

What do you think, cantaloupe or Florida grapefruit?

Jim, enough.

I can't handle this.

Cantaloupe.

Morning, Steve.

Morning, Ethan.

Even though I should be surprised to find you shaving in front of my parents'

house, but for some reason I'm not.

Like your mother just moved from the kitchen into the living room.

The fixation on my mother's getting a little spooky, Steve.

Haven't you ever been willing to do anything for somebody, Ethan?

I'm starting to wonder if I have that kind of fervency.

The girls I fall for, sooner or later they drift away.

It's worse as I let them.

Love doesn't just happen, Ethan.

You have to be willing to say,

This person here, I choose her.

After that, it's simple. No matter what happens, you never let go.

When it comes to love, any obstacle is worth fighting.

Because then you have hope.

You have to have hope, don't you?

My character would never say these lines.

I will crush your jaw, rendering you unable to bite back.

Come on, Ethan.

You've turned her into a monster here.

Dad, for the game's survival, we had to make Glenda more aggressive.

Did you take Glenda? When you've gone through the kind of in -depth training

that I've done with Kevin, then you can talk to me about Glenda's character.

We created her, not you. So either read those lines or we'll hire someone who

will. You'd cut your father out of a role?

I'm trying to salvage months of work here.

Well, let me make it easy on you then. I quit.

Dad.

Acting doesn't just happen.

You have to be ready to say, this character here, I choose her.

Then, no matter what, never let go.

You tell Cowboy to book me a recording session. I'll be in at ten.

Say goodbye to your...

Spine sucker.

Nice work, cowboy. You actually got a usable performance out of my dad. Yeah,

that's good enough for the temp track.

Everyone ready to send this baby to render?

Yep.

Starts gentle, then comes at you with a real kick.

Kind of like you driving Miss Daisy out of a wicked car chase.

Definite intelligence in the formula.

Genius, Ethan.

Ethan, you're not going to tell me it's just Pepsi.

Cheers.

Ethan, this is so good.

And it's diet?

Well, it's not zero calories, but at least it's healthy.

John Doe and his mom came up with an organic, free -range sweetener.

Hello, Carol.

Hello.

Nicole is nice, but perhaps you'd like to have a drink with me after.

Stephen, you are too much.

Excuse me one second.

Everyone, everyone, attention, please.

Welcome to J -Pod. If you could please all just come around the monitors there

to see.

What we've been doing well with next year's guaranteed smash hit, Bordex.

Brie, let her rip, huh? Yep.

Bet you can't hit me, skater dude.

I'm wearing my lucky shoes today.

Hey, they are digging.

Wait till they see the next one.

Take everything he does.

And thus, the eye candy ends.

And so I wanted to thank all of you Neotronikers for supporting my J -Pod

lab. Cheers to everyone, to Bordex.

Steven,

that was a real eye -opener.

Maybe gaming is like math.

It's not really meant for girls.

Oh, Carol.

System overload.

Does anyone here know how to bypass the power grid? I do.

Mom? Well, you didn't think you got your knack for electronics from that old

turkey baster, did you? Come give me a hand.

All right.

Switch, Junie.

You did

that very well.

Well, thank you. I'm Freedom.

Carol.

Freedom, you are such an unusual person. So strong and yet so sensitive.

And you, so charming.

You know, Carol, I have a commune up the coast.

I'd love to have you up for a herbal high colonic sometime.

I love road trips.

Terrific.

Our sweetener seems to be working out well.

What are you going to tell Ethan it's derived from breast milk?

Some things are better left a mystery.

All right. Can you show me how to play this?

I don't think you'd like it.

Well, come on. Give me a try, John.

Okay, that's not my name. Wait, what did you call me?

Your name.

Hey, have more. It's your company's signature beverage.

Uh, yeah, Kevin, I've had so much lately.

Chuck, look, look.

Caitlin, wait.

Chuckle Whore just loaded refined white sugar, which means the emptiest kind of

calories into the J. Cola fountain.

Come on, that's ridiculous.

Cowboy, let her rip.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

Guys, guys.

Oh, man.

I hear you, sister.

Clown blood again.

I think it's time you left, Kevin.

I'll be back.

Bring it on, you sneaky little feeder.

Feeder? I've... heard about them evil people. Yeah, what's so wrong with that,

okay? I mean, normal -sized women are just trouble. Oh, look at me.

I'm normal -sized. I love it when every guy walks by and ogles at me. You guys,

what I'm doing for you is a public service.

Kevin, the best thing you can do right now is leave.

You know, I am so proud of Ethan. He is truly creative.

I agree.

Tim, something's wrong. I can tell.

Well, I'll be honest. I'm kind of upset that Glenda's lines all got reduced to a

bunch of mere groans and growls.

Honey, Glenda is the violent embodiment of women's oppression in a male

-dominant society.

You simply weren't the right person for the role.

Yeah, but I worked very hard at inventing Glenda. In some strange way, I

that she's still inside me.

In fact, I'd like to share with you some things that I learned thinking about

what it must be like living in a woman's body.

Oh, Jim, what could you possibly have... Oh.

Jim, you... You are doing that...

Very well.

Caitlin.

I wanted to thank you for making a healthy cola.

Did you really do it for me?

Come on in.

Well, it's the best cola I've ever had.

Even without sugar.

But you know, The stuff Kevin doctored? It didn't, uh, taste any sweeter.

Well, that's the true secret of Coke and Pepsi. It's not some magical spice or

X7 ingredient.

The secret is sugar.

How do you mean?

Well, after a certain point, no matter how much sugar you add, the body can't

register it any sweeter.

Even when it's there, we don't know how to, uh, taste it, feel it.

I see.

Well, thanks.

And I'm sorry I didn't trust you.

I should go.

Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.

I really felt for you, really never felt for what you gave me, when you gave me

nothing at all, which is a broken heart, you broke it in the fall.

When you told me, wonderful, that nothing else fails, that it's all for

really never fails, for what you gave me, when you gave me nothing at all,

was broken, heartbroken, in the fall. But when you told me, you loved me, I

still thought you were the most beautiful girl, so if you told me, don't

me, I might just say okay.

Because like it's all made you love.