Original subtitles

Previously on J -Pod. Together we can take Bordex to the top. We just need a

more enchantment, more magic.

What we need is a turtle.

Meet the dude.

I named him after Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski. And not for sale.

Join us, please.

Carol. Carol.

What are you doing here? Well, honey, I need a little help.

Yes, Ethan, I know it's horrible.

I killed a man in that basement.

Ethan. I'm in love.

Dad, now's not a good time to chew the fat.

Mom's here. You looked in for somebody. Lost 150 pounds.

You did not tell me you had roommates.

Who are these people?

They look like refugees.

I think they are.

My brother did this.

My older brother, Greg, is probably hunting for... Cougars.

Cougars? He only dates women over 40.

I'll be right back, okay?

But what do I do about them?

Right, they must be starving.

Would you mind feeding them? There's food in the kitchen.

Uh, yeah, yeah, okay. Thank you.

I'm sorry about this.

Hello.

Be hungry.

Okay.

Oh.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Okay.

Okay, how do I explain microwavable pizza buns?

Frank. No.

Hey. Well, dear little brother, you, uh, decided to check out Cougarnet?

No. I'm a little preoccupied by the refugees in my apartment.

You're trafficking humans now?

I'm so 20th century. And they're just people.

Searching for a better life. They're only going to be there for two days. A

tops. A week? Get those people out of my place now. Uh, technically it's my

place and I say they stay.

I had a friend over and I'm stuck babysitting refugees.

Gee, wow, Ethan, do I smell a date?

Your entire building is owned by offshore Chinese industrialists who were

there. If you don't get those people out of there, I will. Oh, I wouldn't do

that. You don't want the rat to camp bomb.

He's camp bomb.

Seriously?

If you have to ask, you don't want to know. Just leave the refugees where they

are, trust me. It'll be better for everyone involved.

Yeah, everyone but the 20 starving people in my living room.

And me.

Buddy, what?

Tenderoni.

Hey, that's my Legends of Chang. No, it's okay, bro. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Not my sneakers.

No, no, no, no. Uh, Ethan, these poor people spent who knows how long in some

shipping container wallowing in their own feces.

This is the first kind of thing seen in months.

They can have my food. They can have all my clothes.

Not my sneakers.

So it's sneakers, then people, then clothes, then food?

These shoes have emotional value to me.

I feel sorry for you.

Caitlin?

Damn it, Stuart!

The role of Herman Gehring requires precision ballroom dancing.

The part shoots in two days, and all you sent me are teenage hip -hoppers. This

is Hitler's kitten, not an electric boogaloo. I need an expert waltzer in

fifties.

Why? Because I demand realism.

That's why?

If I wanted Sir Ben Kingsley, I would ask for Sir Ben Kingsley. Now, I told

the part needs an unknown. Someone with real breakup potential.

Hey, I'm Jim Jarlowski.

And may I say, wonderful job of direction on this movie. Sorry, I can't

extras. It's union rules.

What are you doing?

Waltzing, sir.

I was born to play Herman Garrett.

Hermann Goering.

Go Germany!

Beat Israel!

Thanks, but Israel wasn't a country during the war. Oh, come on. Let me

for the part.

Sure, why not?

Tomorrow morning.

Very nice, cowboy, but I doubt Steve will appreciate this sentiment.

Huh? How about that?

Better. Nice.

You guys, what's up?

Nothing that you'd care about.

Hey, here comes Steve!

Quick, simulate productivity.

Turtle update!

Absolutely, sir. Cowboy.

Busy day, lots of work to do today.

Huh?

It was violent, but restrained. Ethan, I said less gore.

Well, we took out all the blood.

Yeah, Ethan, I know what gore is when I... What is that smell? Is

that you?

That's yesterday's clothes, dude. Did you get lucky?

Ethan, people in high tech don't appreciate those kinds of odors.

Sorry, sir, all my clothes were donated to charity.

Charity. It's when you do something for other people without the expectation of

a reward in return.

Thank you, Caitlin.

I'll try and fix it, sir. Good.

Don't force me to drop one of my hygiene memos. And clean that up. But podsters,

I have a job, and only the best and the brightest need apply. Gwyneth Lockerbie,

she's the new VP of our London office, Neutronic UK.

She's in town for a strategy meeting, and I need someone to give her a tour.

I can't do it, Steve. I've got to get the turtle in the game. Got to help

Cowboy.

Breathe. What about them? I will do it.

Let Strawberry Shortcake do it.

I need someone who's really able to give a good impression, and that would be

someone who at least graduated high school and doesn't stink.

Oh, hands up everyone here who worked at Apple.

I'm a motion capture expert, not a corporate fart catcher.

Cowboy, aren't employee reviews up this month?

Why, yes, they are.

I knew I could count on you. Okay, Potters.

If he wants the lackey, he'll get a lackey.

Guys, maybe work the gourd for me. I've got to run an errand. Yep.

Hungry?

Listen, for me, I have 20 starving humans to feed.

Your altruism is a little late if you're just trying to impress me.

I'm not doing this to impress you. I'm doing this to help them.

Penicillin sandwiches and expired yogurt?

Try it, you'll keep them.

My lunch.

Fresh vegetables.

And non -factor.

Uh, now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find myself a night school.

Mrs. Lockerbie!

I'm terribly sorry to keep you waiting.

Steve failed to tell me he'd be waiting for me at reception.

Colonist.

You're one of the Queen's subjects.

Yes, Hong Kong.

Rule Britannia.

God save the Queen.

Yes, Zoe.

Perfect. Not a crease on the jacket.

There's a reason everything's made over there.

Yeah, fast and cheap.

You turned my place into a sweatshop.

It's not your place, it's mine, and I let you live here. Rice Krispie Squares?

You made them Rice Krispie Squares? I thought they might be homesick for rice.

Ah, ah, ah, it's nay on the edgemental day.

Our guests here are simply melting away the hours by contributing to society.

And doing a damn fine job altering my old dance costumes.

Oh, look.

Gotta go, Jim.

Bye -bye, Don. Bye, Mom.

Craig's trafficking in humans. This doesn't bother you?

Ethan, you're a grown man. Don't be a narc. No one likes a narc.

They let you get away with everything.

Well, maybe if someone finished med school, he wouldn't be the family shame.

He says that's his land.

I bought that on sale at Poverty Plantation. I

mean, he actually made it in his factory south of Beijing.

That's it.

Stop. Stop. Stop. People, stop.

You don't have to do this, okay? Be free.

He's not your boss.

Relax.

I'm not the bad guy.

Nice one, Eve. Now you've gotten scared.

And that is our neutronica.

Well, all in all, I must say that while this is a state -of -the -art facility,

I am very underwhelmed by its employees.

Yes, except one.

You're obviously a self -starter with a good head on your shoulders, fine

schooling, and... Good breeding.

You're the best of both worlds. New world training and old world values.

How would you like to be my assistant at Neotronic UK?

Quite.

In Euclidean plane geometry, pi is defined as the ratio of a circle's

circumference to its diameter.

Who knows the number for pi?

Yes? 3 .1415.

To the fourth point.

Impressive. Uh, nine, two, six, five, three, five, uh, eight, nine, seven,

three... Two.

Carol Jarlowski.

Ha ha.

You, of all people, need to lock your door.

Dwight, excuse me for trusting humanity.

Some major devil weed you got here.

Oh, nice scale.

Digital math crafter, model 4500.

I bought it at a police auction.

Was it a metric?

Standard conversion?

You're thinking of the aluminum frame Mathcrafter 6600.

Oh. What are you doing here, Dwight?

I want this bagged up, ready to go.

I'm only selling you this one batch.

How soon?

Next week.

Oh, tomorrow night. Dwight, each bag has to be precisely measured to one ounce.

Then I like to tie them with a silk knot, nylon, ribbon, sachet style.

Then I need to... Yeah, yeah.

My biker buddies don't give a crap as long as it weighs out.

Tomorrow night, delivered to this address.

Don't bring any friends.

I am a confident industry professional.

I'll have it ready.

Yes, Mother, I am doing my best to make use of the private education you worked

so hard to give me.

No, Dad, I will not disgrace the family name.

Fine.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.

I hate it when they both get on speakerphone.

You guys are so lucky you don't have Chinese parents.

Still better than a militant feminist and some defrosted sperm.

You have pressure to succeed, Bree?

Steamroller that never stops.

Give me one.

Caitlin, whoa, hey, hey, don't take it so hard. So Steve is ruining our game

with his turtle characters.

We can still have some fun.

It's not the stupid turtle.

I had my first night school class last night, and you should have seen them

No.

Every girl looked like a supermodel.

Really?

If I want my high school equivalency, I have to go back there tonight.

I just don't think I can do it. Well, do you want some moral support?

You'd do that for me?

Yeah.

Well, in a room full of hot girls, I'll guarantee to be over 18.

I am in like Flynn.

Yes. Work that catwalk, baby.

You're wearing the refugee's clothing?

My new politically correct look.

Every item I'm wearing was once worn by a refugee smuggled here in a freight

container. Which is perfect for the factory or the lychee martini party in

rice paddy. Take that, Versace.

Last time.

Nice outfit.

Refugee chic.

Caitlin gave away all my clothes.

Yes. Well, you could be looking at the next assistant, the vice president of

Neutronic UK.

But if Bree takes that job, she won't be a podster anymore.

Nice catch, John, though.

We could say we knew her when.

Greg. What?

I just got to work.

I'll be right there.

Okay, well, let's start with the dancing.

Jim.

No, let's try the dialogue.

Yeah.

Hey, mind pure.

Yeah. Oh, no, we cannot find your kitten.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hermann Goering.

Head of the Luftwaffe.

Huh? The Nazi Party elite.

Yeah. Oh, you're right. He was, yeah.

Good point.

I'm a little nervous.

It's fine.

How many stormed the bus?

But mine sure they'll need it at the front.

Now, I will see to it personally, yes.

Uh -huh. That kitten will be the death on the downfall of the Nazi party.

Okay, Jim.

Well,

nice dancing.

You turned my place into the Imperial Palace.

Look, I'll get right back to you.

Oh, thank God.

All this furniture is a gift to you from Camphong for taking care of his

refugees, which begs the question, where are his refugees?

Didn't he take them?

They're gone? Oh, God, Ethan.

Camphong trusted you, and this is how you repay him? I never asked to look

them. You know, the only thing worse than losing Camphong's refugees is

his gift.

He's going to kill you. Me?

You dumped them on me. To help you, but here you go. A perfect chance to join

the real world as a normal person with adult furniture.

I don't need your help, Greg.

I am going to call this Cam Fong.

Cam Fong, I beep. You talk.

Hi, this is Greg's brother, Ethan.

Thank you for the furniture, but, uh, well, I'm still in my Ikea stage of

I didn't ask for any of this. I don't need it, and I don't want it.

Hi, I'm Ethan. I shop at Ikea. I paid 30 bucks for my whole dining suite and it

only took me three days to assemble.

Oh.

Can't font.

Yeah, no, I know.

I told him that.

Yeah, well, it's his life.

Well, sure, yeah, there's no time like the present.

Yeah, I'll make sure he knows you're coming.

Okay. Okay, bye.

Is he coming for the furniture or the refugees?

Or you.

He hasn't decided yet.

Later. Wait, wait, wait.

Is he pissed off?

You can't abandon me with this nutcase.

I said no interference.

By the way, don't try to leave. That'll just make him angry.

Err. The ladies love the bubbly.

Cross your fingers for a threesome.

Mom? Sorry to bother you, dear. I can't find the small pliers.

I don't know. Greg probably took them to take apart some open house sign.

Listen, Mom, this is a bad time.

What is that noise?

Oh, it's our friends from the East. They're helping me package my new crops.

They are so nice.

I can't believe you stole my refugees.

Mom, I need them back.

Just as soon as they're finished.

No, I need them back now. Mom, this is a matter of life or death.

Oh, Ethan, stop being so melodramatic.

Gotta go.

I'm almost out of green tea.

Sayonara. No, Mom, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

Jim.

Jim.

Why are you wearing that ballroom outfit?

You've already had your audition.

I'll be back in just a few hours.

Oh, Jim.

So you didn't get the speaking part, I am begging you. Don't let that drag you

into that world again.

Carol, I have fought this as long as I could.

This thing is bigger than me.

Steven?

Christ, what are you doing here?

I was just checking your tire pressure. You know, being short one pound per

square inch could cost you over $100 in gasoline a year.

Very thoughtful.

I'm just sorry you had to witness that kerfuffle with my husband.

Let me hold you.

Let me hold you.

What is that? I could have sworn I caught a whiff of it. Potpourri.

Um, I make bags of it for the hospital auxiliary gift shop.

Oh. I'll have to buy myself a satchel. No, no, no. Really, Stephen. No, no. I

insist. I insist. How much? One twenty.

It's indoor homegrown high grade.

Potpourri.

I need to make a delivery tonight.

Actually, so I should leave.

Oh. Perhaps you'd like a little company. Could be dangerous.

Oh. Stephen, I want you to see my son tonight.

Ethan? No, um, Greg, my older son.

He knows lots of lovely women, and since you're in the market, he could sell you

a townhouse.

Got it. Meet the family.

Jumbo Chinese shrimp chip? Maybe it fell off the spaceship.

What is it?

What is that?

It's my shoulder pad. I was looking for that thing.

Bree,

stop. Look at you.

Shoulder pads?

This?

This isn't you.

Well, that's really easy for you to say, John Doe. My brothers have penises.

So everything they touch is wonderful.

But I had to be born a girl. I have to work twice as hard to get even a

of the praise from my folks. And for once, in my entire penis -less life,

they're proud of me.

I kind of like it.

You must be Ethan. I'm Kampong. Nice to meet you.

Don't worry about your refugees. They're safe.

You are Greg's brother?

Yeah, since the day I was born.

Oh.

I see that you are an amusing fellow. You also enjoy IKEA products.

Yeah, well, I mean, they're affordable yet stylish.

Heaven help you if you lose that Allen key. Enough!

That's it.

Hand -carved.

Rosewood living room set with...

silk cushions and marble accents somehow displease you?

And look, what do we have here?

It's an expensive ceramic replica of a Tang Dynasty dragon.

Dozens of young children sacrificed an elementary education to work in

so that you could enjoy the beauty and magnificence of my ancient culture.

And yet, it leaves you cold.

Now, we shall go for a drive.

Drive? Your clothing brings shame on your family.

Rags.

Come.

Watch out for the dragon.

Now, here's a coal harbor to be better.

It's 580 square feet that shows like 3 ,000, and it's got a killer view.

You know, Greg, your mom, she's quite the special lady. She really is. Do you

know if she appreciates the outdoors at all and camping?

You know, Steve, Cougar Night is not the place to keep yammering on about my

mother. Well, you'll forgive me, Greg, but I don't think you appreciate your

mother. You know she's out there right now in the middle of the night making

deliveries while your father's ballroom dancing?

That's her dancing again?

See, that's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. Your

is out there right now, God knows where, with a truckload of gourmet potpourri,

and all you're worried about is your father.

Trust me, Steve, my mom can take care of herself, and it's not potpourri, it's

pot.

What?

Pot.

So, I hear you specialize in gore.

Yes, sir. It's my area of expertise.

Tell me, in your opinion, what's the best way to torture somebody?

Well, it depends on whether you need to extract information from the victim

or... Yes?

Or you're simply torturing them for torture's sake.

Torture for torture's sake, definitely.

I'd avoid things like forced exercise or sleep deprivation. Those are designed

to wear down the victim's defenses.

Focus more on pain, dental distractions, burning, freezing, moving the bike, and

I stopped talking about this. What about electricity?

You old school?

Yes and no. The Germans perfected electrical torture in the 70s. There's

new left to invent now. Sort of like coffee makers or cigarette lighters.

Only those were perfected in China.

We, uh, driving anywhere in particular?

Just a pleasure, Clues.

Dad is dancing.

What's this a code for?

Drake, my dad's waltzing again.

And that's a problem?

In our family?

Yeah.

Jarlowski.

Is your father Jim Jarlowski?

Bree!

Bree!

Why did you not tell me?

Tell you what?

That you're in the Posh 1000.

That you're in line to the throne.

I beg your pardon? Oh, come now, Bree.

Don't play coy.

Bree knows.

The Posh 1000 is an online, real -time, ever -adapting list of who's in line to

the British throne.

Someone dies or has a baby, and hey, Presto, the list refreshes instantly.

I myself am deep in the four digits, but you, you're a mid -three.

Four hundred and sixty -two.

Yes. Well, one mustn't brag about one's status, must one?

I should say not, but one can't ask you to be one's assistant.

What?

One humbly begs you to allow one to be yours.

John Doe, did you hack into the Posh 1000

website and forge me a royal lineage?

I was just trying to help.

Can one get you anything, Mum?

No, thank you.

All right, ladies, you want my real advice?

Back off. You don't want a piece of me. I'm Trouble with a capital T, and that

rhymes with G, and that stands for Gary.

Now blow.

You're right over there.

Ethan! Dad!

Mr.

Jarlowski.

An honor.

Who the hell are you?

This is Cam Fong. That's Greg's friend.

The human trafficker. He's nice to him.

You're interfering with my drinking.

I got satellite TV just to watch you in the Tanspieler.

You're a ballroomer?

Nothing compared to you.

When you coupled the Grotowski twirl with the nickel room snap.

And then capped it with the Olivia dip.

Magic.

Pure magic.

We finally found a smart friend, Ethan. Oh, yeah. We're definitely buds, aren't

we, Cam?

Dad, why don't you show him some moves?

Ethan, it would mean everything.

Dad, please.

My life depends on this.

You are one melodramatic pain in the ass, Ethan.

Okay. Are you Fong or are you Kim? Which one are you? What do I call you?

Champong.

May I leave?

I'd have it no other way.

It's like the paradise warriors are promised when they die on the

Thank you. Come.

Ah, young Caitlin. And a new knowledge receptacle.

Yeah. Please, please. We're discussing quadratic equations.

Oh, that's pretty straightforward.

I have a good way of memorizing it.

Oh, would you mind sharing it with the class?

Sure.

Um, you sing it along to Pop Goes the Weasel.

X is equal to negative B plus or minus the square root of B squared minus 4AC

all over 2A.

Hey.

Jim Jarlowski.

This was one of the best nights of my life.

I feel grateful to be alive.

That makes two of us. I'll tell you, thanks to you, Cam Fong, I feel young

coursing through my veins again.

Tomorrow belongs to us, my friend.

I haven't felt this warm and tingly since I did that adult diaper

You're an actor as well?

My dad's a movie extra.

Dad, maybe we should get going. I've always felt there's an unexplored aspect

my personality.

An actor inside me yearns to escape.

Do you do a German accent?

I may know of a part for you.

A toast.

To our new friendship. Yay!

Right on time.

Nice to have prompt service.

Well, Dwight, don't expect repeat.

My money, please.

Oh, you'll get it after I sell this.

You want it, you pay for it.

Now.

I can't breathe.

You'll be backing off the lady now.

I said get your hands off.

You hear what I'm saying, punk?

I know judo.

And I know how to pummel your face.

I killed him.

It's all right. It was an accident.

It's not all right, Carol. Mary Jane is a gateway drug. Look at me.

I bought my first bag of dope today and I've already killed a man. Steven,

focus.

What do we do?

Trust me, moving dead bodies around this city is harder than you think.

In there. Back up the car. What?

You're a brave woman, Carol.

Carol.

Steven.

Carol, are you okay? How did you sleep?

I had better nights. Carol, all I kept thinking was just that you needed to be

held and comforted. No, no.

No, no, Carol. It's all right. It's all right. I'm here.

I'm here.

Okay. I'm here. It's okay.

It's okay.

Carol, I killed a man.

Listen.

These things happen.

You just have to let it go.

No, Stephen.

Stephen.

When Jim lost his job years ago, we thought everything was over.

But we've rebuilt.

Stronger. Like a bone that heals.

Oh, Carol.

You always know what to say to make me feel better.

You've got me blushing.

Oh. Hello.

Just back here. Thank you.

Help me plant Shasta daisies.

Together we'll nurture new life.

Cam, how'd it go? Your director has some news for you.

Don't you, Roland?

Yeah.

I spoke with the studio and I demanded that...

Either you play the role of Herman Gehring without an accent or I quit the

picture.

Congratulations, Jim. My first speaking role.

Give me some gummy bears from craft service.

Yes, Mr. Fong, right away.

None for me.

Roland told me if it weren't for the accent, you would have played Gehring.

Cam, you're the best friend a Nazi ever had.

But no, no, no, 999, I can't.

It's a deeply German role, this Garing thing, and I just have way too much

respect for the art form to allow some director to tamper with a screenwriter's

vision. I can't. I can't do it.

But we can always dance.

Got a little shuffle thing I call the Huffy Puffy. Want to see it?

Join up.

And one and two and three and four and one and two.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Gwyneth called me five times last night to make sure I was content.

Get my name off that Posh 1000 website now.

Don't you want to impress your parents?

Done.

So I'm off?

Not quite.

I've notified them that you've been impregnated by a Frenchman.

What?

Yeah.

Merci. Ethan, I feel badly about giving away all your clothes.

So here.

A vintage Defendoid shirt.

You can barely find these on eBay.

Thank you.

You're such a good friend.

Whoa, how was your night?

Hey, Steve -O.

Podsters, good morning.

Ethan, my reptile cortex has got a sweet tooth for some eye candy.

You're in a good mood today.

That I am, Ethan, that I am. It's a new day. A fresh start.

The world's alive.

We're alive.

A little video game magic is what you need, Steve -O. Huh?

Have a seat.

Steve, I'm sorry. It's a bug. We'll fix it.

Damn it, Ethan.

What do I have to do to keep up with the creative brilliance of you young

people? I love that. That is the direction we need to go in. It's gritty.

true to life. Teach these kids that sometimes life is hard.

I want more gore.

Ethan, more gore.

Does this turtle have a name?

I have a list of potentials.

Dwight.

The turtle's name is Dwight.

Dwight.

Dwight.

Dwight.

Thank you.

You all look different to me, I swear. Now that I've seen you all in person,

I'll come up. Thank you. Yeah?

For all your hard work, now don't spend it in one place.

Have a good trip.

Remember to hydrate.

Thank you.

Promise me you'll all come and visit once you get settled in California.

Honey, you sure they all got their new U .S. passport?

Would I flake on my good buddy Cam Fong?

So clever of them to throw all their own American -looking clothing.

Oh, Jim.

Isn't globalization fun?

It's almost worldwide.

I'm sorry.

I got so upset about your dancing.

It brought back so many bad memories of those days.

Well, it's all different now. Back then, the old days, I used to dance to numb

the pain of that boring old death job. But now when I dance, it's about life,

new friendships, tomorrow.

Mr. Social Conscience.

Did you leave Buzz up next time you visit?

He'll be happy to know her friends are now on their way to L .A.

So our content absorbs another 20 people and another 20 dreams.

They latched on to your dreams. They made this for you and your girlfriend.

I think that's for her.

Unless there's something you want to tell me.

She dumped you already, huh?

Nope. We're just friends.

I like the banquet, Ethan, and you're sitting in the corner chewing on a

breadstick. Thanks for the insight, Greg.

Dude, I'm your big brother. It's my job.

Speaking of which, you ready to get your ass whipped?

Yeah. One thing you can't beat me at. Yeah.

Now I'm sorry and I'm getting old.

Stop the pain now.

Let the truth unfold.

Truth gives strength to the broken mind.

Like a cave,

you can leave the blind.

You can watch me or help me please.

But stand behind it, because we're all in need.