Original subtitles

-You know, today is not only the birthday of the drive-in,

it's the birthday of...

Darcy the ever-loving Mail Girl!

-Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

-Whoo!

-Oh, my God. What the fuck is this, y'all?

Stop this. This was enough.

Well, thanks.

What's happening with that? What is that?

-We're celebrating. What do you mean? -Fuck you. Fuck you guys.

Oh, my God!

No! What the fuck is happening?

-♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Darcy ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

-Big wish, big wish.

Go.

-Blow it out! Blow it out! -Go.

-You blow 'em out, man.

-No, you gotta do it! You gotta blow it out.

-Ugh! Don't make me do this.

-Do it! -No!

-Do it! -No.

-Darcy! You ruined your own cake.

-I got one.

-Yeah, there you go. Okay. Yeah!

-Whoo!

-Darcy, you are the most famous entertainment icon

to emerge from Charleston, South Carolina.

What hospital were you born in?

-What? -We need to memorialize it.

What hospital were you born in? -I don't...

Why does anyone need to know that?

-All right, you don't want plaques

on the hospital building, I guess.

-You know, I will say I was born at 6:00 a.m.,

so I'm literally a 666 baby.

-June 6th at 6 a.m. Okay. And you love that.

-I do.

-But you and Danny McBride are both from Charleston, right?

-Well, yes.

There's a lot of movie people from Charleston, though.

Lauren Hutton.

-Who was a supermodel in -- in the '60s, right?

-Correct, but more importantly

she was in the greatest vampire flick ever made.

"Once Bitten"!

-Oh, "Once Bitten," okay. -Yes, yes.

-Yeah. -And you know, Andy Dick.

-Andy Dick? Crazy man. He's from Charleston?

-He is. And let's see, um, Chadwick Boseman.

-Chadwick Boseman?! Wow.

The Black Panther himself comes from Charleston?

-Yeah. -Okay, cool.

-Thomas Gibson. -Thomas Gibson, great actor.

-He does the ASPCA commercials or whatever.

The heart, the pride, though, of Charleston

is the one, the only Miss Bobbie Phillips.

-Bobbie... -Yes!

-What now? Bobbie Phillips?

-Yes. I said what I said.

-Fitness model? Or who is Bobbie Phillips?

-Oh, my...

I'm gonna forget you said that.

You might remember her in her biggest movie role, "Showgirls,"

but it was like a small part, but, you know, she was great.

-"Showgirls." No, I know the whole cast from "Showgirls."

Bobbie Phillips. Okay.

So then you know. Yes.

She was always the hot naked chick in every show.

And after I realized I could not become a marine biologist,

um, that's what I decided I wanted to be --

the hot naked chick.

-You wanted to be the hot naked chick in every show?

-Yes. Thank you, Bobbie Phillips.

-All right, you realize that right now

several thousand guys are googling

"hot naked chick Bobbie Phillips"?

-Yes. And you're welcome for that.

They're gonna be happy with what they find out.

She was on "Married... with Children" like you.

-Oh! Well, they did have a hot chick every episode

of "Married... with Children."

Not naked, though.

-I mean, it was on TV,

but as close to naked as they could get.

-All right, so we've established

that Bobbie Phillips is the second-most-awesome person

ever born in Charleston, South Carolina,

Darcy being the first.

And because of that,

you are picking our second movie tonight, and it is...

-"Dark Match"! -"Dark Match"!

-Whoo! Can I get more beer?

-The first movie to merge the worlds of wrestling and horror.

-Oh, what? No, it's definitely not that.

-There are other movies in the wrestling horror subgenre?

-Yeah, like "Pro wrestlers vs Zombies."

That's the obvious one that comes to mind.

-Oh, okay. I missed that one.

-What? Roddy was in it. -Roddy Piper.

-Yeah, and Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

-Your friend Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

-I mean, we've met. Um, yeah. I wouldn't say we're friends.

-What makes what makes "Pro Wrestlers vs Zombies" so good?

-Uh, well, pro wrestlers fight zombies.

- Okay. - What more do you need?

-But "Dark Match" is your favorite wrestling movie, right?

-Oh, just wrestling in general?

I mean, I love it,

but I would be lying if I said it was my favorite

because "Ready to Rumble" exists.

-"Ready to Rumble"? That sounds like a boxing movie.

That's Michael Buffer's line.

"Let's get ready to rumble," you know?

-I feel like you can do it better than that.

But I do remember -- I remember that movie, though,

from the days of the legendary WCW wrestling franchise

when I was working at TNT back in the '90s.

-Yeah. It's awesome.

It's actually a comedy,

and it stars my all-time favorite actor,

Mr. David Arquette.

-From "Scream." David Arquette from "Scream."

-Well, yes, but he is so much more than that.

And he actually became a pro wrestler after that.

-I -- you know, I know that. I remember that.

And David Arquette actually became

the WCW world champion right before WCW went out of business.

-We don't talk about that part of it, just champion.

-He defeated --

if I'm remembering this correctly,

he defeated Eric Bischoff for the title.

Eric Bischoff was the executive who ran WCW for TNT.

-It was great. It was wonderful.

-I actually think "Ready to Rumble"

was a WCW movie, right?

-I think so, yeah. And it's amazing.

-So how does "Dark Match" compare to "Ready to Rumble"?

-Pfft. I mean, you can't really compare them.

-Wrestling movies do not have a good reputation, though.

-I mean, honestly, though,

what actually counts as a wrestling movie?

Because, like, would "Santa's Slay" count?

-No. I mean...

-It's wrestle-centric.

It stars Goldberg, who's a wrestler,

but it's really just a great Christmas movie.

-What about "Santa with Muscles"?

-What about the -- no.

What about the Darren Aronofsky movie "The Wrestler"?

Oh, I've never seen that one.

-What?!

Mickey Rourke, probably his greatest role.

Marisa Tomei.

I mean, how could a wrestling aficionado like yourself

pass on "The Wrestler"?

-Because I heard it was sad, and I just --

I hate watching sad movies.

-Well, I can see how people would say it's sad,

but I don't find it sad.

Anyway, "Dark Match" tries to be about wrestling,

while it's also about something more than wrestling.

And it's made by the greatest director

in Saskatchewan -- Lowell Dean.

-Whoo! -Yeah.

-Lowell is the auteur behind "WolfCap" -- "WolfCop."

"WolfCap." That's another movie. -Whoo! "WolfCap"!

-"WolfCop," which we had on the show back in 2019.

-I love "WolfCap." So good, so good.

-And Lowell Dean is here tonight.

-Yay!

-And he's going to be coming out later

because he heard it was your birthday

and he wanted to be here, Darcy.

-That is a lie, but I am very happy that he's here.

-All right. So tell us about "dark match."

The only time -- the term "dark match."

Because the only time I ever heard

the term "dark match" is they use it to describe

matches that are not on TV.

And that's why they call them dark.

Like, the match that the live audience sees

but the TV audience does not see,

like, before or after the TV match.

And isn't that where they feature new acts

and young wrestlers in training and entertainers

who are not yet famous?

-Yeah, it's basically used to describe matches

that are not televised on nights

when, like, some of the matches are televised.

-Okay, so tell me why you love "Dark Match."

Besides the cool feature role by our friend Chris Jericho.

Whoo!

-Yay. Um, I don't know, it's fun?

It's got wrestling and amazing effects,

fire, humor -- but not too much humor.

And I really love the main character.

Yeah. -Ayisha Issa...

-She's amazing.

-...is that actress. Female lead!

-Yeah. -In a wrestling movie. Who knew?

-Yes. Thank you. That's amazing.

Plus, I love seeing the Canadians --

like, the Canadians know the landscape.

It's beautiful.

And of course, I'm sorry, I have to re-mention,

it stars the GOAT.

-Chris Jericho. -Damn right.

-All right. Greatest of all time.

-Greatest of all time! -You're his biggest fan.

And you do know wrestling.

You do know wrestling

because you're a ringside regular at AEW wrestling events.

I saw you get called out one night on the air by Billy Gunn.

-He mostly did it off the air.

-He actually addressed you from the ring, right?

-He -- He was obnoxious, yes.

-It went viral. You're like --

-I don't think you know what "viral" means. Anyway.

-No, you're like Jack Nicholson was for the Lakers.

You're the number-one ringside fan,

and everybody notices you at the matches.

-You are ridiculous.

But I honestly try not to be on camera that much.

I always sit on what's called the "hard cam" side.

It's the camera is pointed to the other side of the ring.

So, like, you see the back of my head a lot.

-Okay, well,

apparently that cameraman occasionally turns

that sucker around, because I have seen you on those matches.

-He gets obnoxious too.

And before we get to the movie,

I just wanted to say that the reason

I admire wrestlers myself, um --

and some of the roles in the movie tonight

are played by actual wrestlers.

Others are actors pretending to be wrestlers.

What's cool about the movie

is you probably will not be able to tell the difference

if you don't already know the wrestling personalities.

But the question people always ask is,

"How can you watch all that stuff?

Isn't it all fake?"

And the answer is, no, it is not.

And I think the reason there's such a strong crossover

between wrestling fans and horror fans

is that they're kind of similar art forms

because they require the willing suspension of disbelief.

Who said that?

Um, I love that phrase --

"Willing suspension of disbelief."

Coleridge said that.

The Romantic poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge,

guy who wrote "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner"

with the albatross and all that.

Anyway, I used to write a kind of gonzo column for newspapers,

and people would say, "Now, Joe Bob is all that real

that you're writing about in the column, or is it fake?"

And I would say, "Yes," because it was both.

And when you can't tell where the real ends

and the fake begins,

and sometimes you can't tell where the fake begins

and the real ends...

-I thought that was all true.

No.

...and the fake is really just an exaggeration

of the real to begin with,

and sometimes you got real and fake all mixed up together,

it becomes interesting to people.

But here's the part that nobody would understand

unless they're a writer or actor,

is that the fake version of the real

can be more real than the real.

-What? -Don't ask me to explain it.

-I need more beer.

-You kind of learn that through the process.

As any good novelist or screenwriter can tell you,

you have to get fake to get real.

And wrestlers are the same way.

Is it fake? Is it real? Yes!

These are athletes, but they're also artists.

And this movie kind of brings out that aspect of it.

I know you, Darcy,

you like to believe every storyline in wrestling

is absolutely true.

-Because it is. What are you talking about?

-And there are Grinches on the Internet

who want to detail

how every wrestling storyline is absolutely false

and every impressive stunt is actually a pulled punch.

-In the immortal words of David Arquette,

"Wrestling's not fake."

-I remember talking to your friend the Blade.

I remember talking to the Blade at our second Jamboree.

He was one of our guests.

And the Blade is a wrestler for AEW,

and he said when he first got into the sport

at his training school,

he asked him how they were able to fake

those metal-folding-chair hits.

You know, like when they grab

folding chairs out of the audience,

and they hit each other on the on the back or over the head.

And the veteran wrestlers were like,

"What are you talking about, rookie?

If you get hit with a metal folding chair,

you get hitwith a metal folding chair."

He thought they were breakaway chairs

or soft fabric chairs or something.

No, they're just metal chairs.

They really do hit you, and you feel that.

Now, the same thing with blood.

If you stay in wrestling long enough, you're gonna get cut.

You're gonna get blood covered.

-True.

-So there was another wrestler that I met,

a wrestler named Michael Hayes and, um -- of the Freebirds,

And he demonstrated for me one time the fine art

of the razor blade indentation in the skin,

where you take a razor blade

and you put a crease in your epidermis...

-Why are you telling people about that?

-...so that -- it's just a little crease,

you know, it doesn't bleed,

but as soon as that place gets a direct hit,

blood splatters all over the place.

-What?! -So, yeah, they're they're badasses.

They do that. -I'm shocked I'm hearing this for the first time.

-Who was it that took the hypodermic needle

through the cheek in Chicago?

-Swerve! Swerve Strickland.

-Swerve Strickland. Yeah. Damn, Darcy.

That was one of the few times I was with you at a match,

because we were -- our Jamboree auction winners --

-No, our Christmas charity auction winners.

-Oh, I'm sorry. -Yes.

-Our Christmas charity auction winners,

um, Will and Tiffany were, uh --

that was their prize... -That was their present.

-...at the Chicago match.

-That was so good. You're welcome.

-But anyway, they did that right in front of us.

We were ringside, and I was like,

"Well, they're not really gonna do that.

They're not going to put that hypodermic through his head."

-Yes, they are. -And they did it!

-And it was amazing! -Okay, well...

- Cowboy shit! - Cowboy shit!

If you know, you know.

-That's something they chant at the things. Okay.

-Well, let's get this birthday party started. Do you enjoy birthdays?

-Hell yeah. How do you not enjoy all this? Whoo!

-Well, would you consider it

a fitting birthday present, Darcy,

if I said I am entrusting you

to do the Drive-In totals on "Dark Match"?

What? You're gonna make me work for my birthday?

-Or you don't have to.

What?

-All right, you do the Drive-In totals.

-Fine. -I want you to do

the Drive-In totals on your birthday.

I'll do the Drive-In Academy Awards, okay?

It's Darcy night on "The Last Drive-In," and, um...

-This is too much pressure.

Y'all got to join me with this, okay?

-Okay. -All right.

-"Dark Match," the sensitive story of the seasoned veterans

of a small-time outfit called Stars of Amateur Wrestling -- SAW --

owned by a sleazy promoter named Rusty Beans.

The roster includes tag teams Thick and Thin

and the Beast Brothers,

Kid Humble, Lazarus Smashley, Kate the Great,

Enigma Jones, Mean Joe Lean, and Miss Behave.

So already you can tell this was written by somebody

who appreciates the fine art of the double-reverse

upside-down belly-button suplex.

Plus, it's set in the great wrestling decade of the 1980s.

And Miss Behave is frustrated

because she's stuck in the "heel" role,

while Kate the Great is a "face" being scouted

for the big leagues.

So Miss Behave is thinking of leaving SAW

when a call comes offering the group big money

to do a dark match,

a non-televised event in the middle of nowhere,

and not just the middle of nowhere --

the middle of nowhere in Alberta in the winter.

So of course this is not a good idea,

but they all need the cash.

So Thick and Thin, Enigma, Mean Joe,

Miss Behave, and Kate the Great pile into Rusty's van

and head off through the frozen Canadian countryside.

I think they also have a Winnebago, I think.

everybody else goes in the Winnebago.

After some poorly motivated car trouble,

they arrive at what looks like a refurbished airplane hangar

to find a drug-and-booze-fueled party already underway.

And they're greeted by the Leader,

who Mean Joe recognizes as the Prophet,

his archenemy from earlier in their careers,

and the Leader/Prophet tells his followers

and the wrestlers to drink up

because tomorrow is the big event.

And pretty soon the matches get underway,

except the losers need to die in the ring.

And it's all being recorded, and it's also a satanic ritual.

So, sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it with a card based on the elements of air,

water, earth, fire, and spirit?

Darcy. -What?

-Anything to add? -Oh, no, you did good.

-Okay. It's your birthday and your movie.

And here's your moment, Darcy. Ready?

-Ready. -Go for it!

- Really? - Yeah. Do the Drive-In totals.

-All right, bitch, let's do it.

We have 12 dead bodies.

-Yeah!

-Four dead -- oh, wait, no.

Four breasts. -Yes! Whoo!

-Yes. Throat slicing.

-Yeah! -Twice.

-Yeah. -Neck snapping, twice.

-All right. -Shoulder breaking.

-Yeah. -Sacred blade to the hand.

-Okay.

-Sacred blade to the chest. -All right.

-Okay... -Sorry.

-One opening poem.

-"Five deaths in the ring, that is the thing."

-Do I interrupt your drive-in totals?

-I'm sorry. That's the poem.

That is the opening poem. -Okay.

-One suspicious road-match booking.

-Okay.

-Drug-induced aardvarking. Whoo!

-Yeah. -Human branding.

-Okay.

-One wind match, with giant floor fan.

- Eh. - Okay.

One water match, with ceiling sprayers.

-Better. -Okay.

One earth match, with big dirt pile and broken glass.

-Okay, good. Broken glass is good. -We like that.

One fire match, with flaming turnbuckles.

-Turnbuckles are good.

-I'm gonna start doing this to yours.

-Okay.

-One spirit match, with steel cage and Chris Jericho.

-Yeah!

-VHS tape destruction. -Okay.

-Gratuitous Lupercalia. -Lupercalia.

-Yes. Why are you doing this?

Gratuitous green breakfast Jell-O.

-Okay.

-Gratuitous use of that "Word Up" song by Cameo.

-Okay.

-Mace fu.

Chain fu. -Okay.

-That Muay Thai thing where they dip their hand in the --

their, like, handwraps in the glue

and then in broken glass fu.

-Okay. -Whatever that shit's called fu.

Big shard of broken glass Fu. -Okay.

-Pitchfork fu. -Love pitchfork fu.

-We love pitchfork fu.

-Okay. -Did I do it?

-Excellent drive-in total delivery, Darcy. -Yay! Thank you.

-And Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Jonathan Cherry

as the sleazy Rusty Beans, for telling Miss Behave,

"I know you want to be Snow White, okay,

but somebody's got to be the witch."

Sara Canning as Katie the Great, for --

Kate the Great, sorry --

for pretending to be America's sweetheart

while secretly being out for revenge

and for saying, "This league is a sausage fest."

Steven Ogg as Mean Joe Lean

for knowing the Prophet's backstory

and for trying to stay true to Miss Behave

by saying, "I don't do road flings,"

right before he does a road fling.

Chris Jericho as the Prophet, for handling all the speeches

and for saying,

"I defy anyone watching to call what we do fake.

Not tonight."

-"Or tonight."

-Mo Adan as the silent Enigma Jones,

who damn near steals the show for uttering only one word.

-Yeah.

-Ayisha Issa for kicking butt as Miss Behave

and for saying, "Let's do some damage."

Karim Hussain,

the cinematographer, for being so true to the '80s

that he shoots some of the fight sequences with a VHS camcorder.

And Lowell Dean, the writer and director,

for giving us the wrestling horror flick

we didn't know we needed.

How many stars, Darcy?

-Five billion stars.

-Okay, four stars. -Darcy says check it out.

-All right. All right.

And a shout-out to everybody in Charleston, South Carolina,

Darcy's hometown...

-Chucktown!

-...Including our buddy David Gordon Green.

-Yeah! DGG! -He's in Charleston.

The director who brought the "Halloween" movies

back from the crypt. -You're welcome.

-He runs his operation out of Charleston.

But when you think about it, Darcy,

Charleston is really the birthplace

of American show business,

because the Dock Street Theatre --

downtown Charleston, you know that place.

First theater in America. 1736.

I don't know what kind of American plays they had in 1736.

Probably a lot of men with French cuffs

and handlebar mustaches making the ladies flutter.

-Flutter.

-Yeah, you know, the dandies make the ladies feel naughty.

-Oh, don't I know it?

-So, because a lot of places in the 18th century

considered the theater immoral.

And so it was banned.

-Yeah, but not in Charleston, baby.

-No! Decadent then, decadent now.

-Nobody tells Charleston what to do.

-That's how -- yeah, that's how you got the moxie,

growing up there.

That's how you got the moxie to offend the moral sensibilities

of Billy Gunn,

a wrestler who wears tight pink short shorts

and calls himself Daddy Ass.

Yes, apparently.

-Did you ever go to see stuff at the Dock Street Theatre?

-Yeah, actually, we used to go on field trips there all the time.

I think I saw "Porgy and Bess," for sure.

And maybe "The Nutcracker." Just mainstream stuff like that.

-Really? Well, that's boring.

-Yes, it is. I don't want to see "Porgy and Bess" ever again.

-No immoral or decadent avant garde, nasty, horrific,

controversial play with a hot naked chick?

-Sadly, no. Nothing like that.

-They need to get back to their roots.

-Agreed. Yes.

-Happy birthday, Darcy.

It's David Arquette --

Dewey from the "Scream" movies or WCW world champion.

That's right. Happy, happy birthday.

Here's to many more. Have a great one.

Love you.

-Five deaths in the ring.

That is the thing.

-♪ Raise a little hell ♪

♪ Raise a little hell ♪

♪ Raise a little hell ♪

♪ Raise a little hell ♪

♪ Raise a little hell ♪

♪ Raise a little hell ♪

♪ If you don't like ♪

-Miss Behave, you're up.

Miss!

-I heard you.

-Break a leg.

-♪ Raise a little hell ♪

♪ Raise a little hell ♪

♪ Raise a little hell ♪

♪ Raise a little hell ♪

♪ Raise a little hell ♪

♪ Raise a little hell ♪

♪ If you don't like what you see ♪

♪ If you know there's something wrong ♪

♪ Why don't you right it? ♪

-Boo.

-♪ Comes down to your thinking ♪

♪ And it's really not too late ♪

-Boo!

-Welcome back to SAW Wrestling.

We've got quite the lineup for you tonight.

I'm Rusty Beans.

Check it out.

First up, it's a tag team.

Number 11, Beast Brothers, tear into Thick and Thin,

those obnoxious, Bible-thumping hooligans.

It's animal instinct versus religion,

a tale as old as time.

-Ooh!

-I'm so damn --

-Handsome!

-Next up, Kid Humble.

-Enter Enigma Jones, the mute masked menace.

Why has Enigma taken a vow of silence?

Some say it's a respect for the craft of wrestling,

and some of the ladies say it's because he's shy.

-Oh!

Oh! Whoa!

Ah!

Ah!

-Next, the most heated rivalry in SAW,

the hero, Lazarus Smashley...

-I love you, Lazarus!

-I love you, too, baby.

-...versus the hated heel, Mean Joe Lean!

-Oh!

-Joe Lean's got him in his classic, the Joe Lean cuisine.

-Ah!

Kate the Great!

-No code is complete without a ladies' match.

Prairie-grown sweetheart Kate the Great faces off

against the woman you love to hate,

Trinidadian trickster Miss Behave.

Nice.

-Thanks, DDT.

-Make it pretty.

I got a special fan here tonight.

A talent scout from the big leagues.

-That's why they call her Kate,

and that is why she's great.

She came out of nowhere and shot straight to the top.

Miss Behave...

-Woo!

-...on the other hand, is going nowhere.

-She's fueled by rage, but sorry, Miss, someone's

gotta be the bad guy.

-Ah! Stop screwing around!

-Ugh!

-Referee, do something!

Do your job!

-Stop it!

-Did you get that?

You are watching the modern age of wrestling.

This is 1988.

-It's only here on SAW.

-Right?

Thanks for making me look good.

Kate the Great!

Kate the Great!

Kate the Great!

-What? What the hell, Nick?

-Ooh!

-Ladies and gentlemen, that was an epic

battle, one for the ages.

And we will be here again next week, same time, same channel.

Keep fighting.

Rusty Beans, head manager of SAW.

How can I assist you?

You're still trying to explain yourself.

Look, I told you, I got it.

We got a great roster right now.

Have you seen Kate the Great?

She's gonna be a star.

Listen, make me an offer.

-Hey, Nick.

What you're feeling right now is karma.

-She goaded me, Rusty.

-Come on.

The League is fining you half your fee.

-What?

The holidays wiped me out, Rusty.

I need the money. -All right.

Well, then you should have thought

of that before you got so creative with your backhand.

Why would you do that?

Is it 'cause of that scout, or do you hate Kate that much?

-I don't hate Kate.

I don't even know Kate.

-Listen, I know you want to be Snow White, okay?

But somebody's gotta be the witch.

That's a really interesting choice of words--

Snow White?

-Nick, how many years have you been with me,

and how many women have you ever seen sling

the belt over their shoulder?

And don't get me wrong.

I know that you would go to hell and back for a title shot.

But that's a fantasy.

And this is reality.

-You know I'm better than this.

-It's delusions of grandeur.

Okay?

It's from the concussions.

It'll pass.

Now, things are about to get real weird in here.

So you can either stay or you can go unwind the way

you like to.

And I will clean up this mess.

I thought I handled that very well.

-What is going on in there?

-I was gonna have to quit.

You're obsessed, not to mention awesome,

at what you do.

You couldn't quit if you wanted to.

-Well, I'm sick and tired of banging

my head against the wall.

And this league obviously doesn't want me, so.

-They want you, just not how you want them to want you.

Welcome back to SAW Royal Rumble, 1979.

Mean Joe Lean is fired up.

But does he have what it takes to challenge the Prophet?

-What a nut job.

I hated that guy.

The followers are giving the Prophet strength.

Joe's in trouble now.

-That's all I want.

At least you had a real rivalry.

Title shot.

Joe's lost the upper hand.

The Prophet's got him in his crucifix hold.

Hey.

-What?

-Should I leave you two alone?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.

Come on. I thought you were injured.

-Yeah, well, you know us women.

We bounce back fast.

I wonder what your fans would say if they knew

we were wrestling in the nude.

-Well, I tell you.

I tell you, if my fans had any sense whatsoever,

they would be so jealous.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching SAW,

pro wrestling at its finest.

-Mm, seriously? -What?

No, no, no, no.

The Prophet is your chosen one.

Who's the chosen one now, huh?

Who's the chosen one now?

Rusty Beans, head manager of SAW.

How can I assist you? -Hello again.

I'm calling to repeat my offer.

-This again.

Listen, pal, it's like I said to your associate.

I would love to expand into your neck of the woods,

but, uh, without a minimum guaranteed

attendance or a healthy upfront deposit, it's not feasible.

Well, we'd love to host your wrestlers

for an evening event in our town of Shellbrook.

We have the money.

- We're willing to pay. - Okay.

-How much? -All right.

Well, that would require --

and -- and, like, I'm just spitballing here --

um, family rate, 50K.

-That works for us.

But it's gotta be this weekend.

-You don't say?

Okay, well, then, allow me to, uh, speak with my associates,

and, uh, I'll get back to you.

I'm fucking rich.

Fucking rich!

-Yeah?

Listen, Rusty, are you firing me?

Wait, how much?

For a dark match?

Hey.

-There's my new favorite wrestler,

Delusions of Grandeur.

-Ha. That's not funny.

-Hey, you said you wanted more money.

I got you more money. Are you excited?

-Yeah, I'm excited. -Good.

-Come on, amigo. -Hey, hey, hey!

It's a rental!

-Shit, shit.

How pissed is Kate?

-Well, we're getting paid this weekend.

I mean, I'm sure she'll get over it.

Hey, I said get gas.

Don't go joyriding. Come on!

-Aw.

-Thanks for showing up.

Some of us are freezing our nuts off here, toots.

-Poor baby.

-Okay.

-Hey, how's your--

-Healing.

-Yeah, um, I'm really sorry.

I -- -Nick, it's fine.

I'm used to hits to the face.

I just prefer them to be by accident.

-Okay.

This thing's good. You guys good?

Why don't you have a little smooch?

We can use that as an angle. Cut, go.

-Could you not?

-Hey.

We're good.

-Good? -Good, okay.

Faces into the luxury Winnebago, Heels

with me in Old Glory.

-♪ Devil you ♪

♪ When will you ever learn ♪

-Welcome aboard Rusty Roadways.

Our destination arrival time is 6:00 PM --

if we limit piss breaks.

And I'm looking at you, Enigma.

-Mighty good of you to ride with us Heels, Rusty.

Come on, Joe.

You know you lot are my favorite.

Just don't tell, you know.

Kate, what are you doing here?

You're in the wrong van.

-Quit trying to separate us.

We're not in the ring.

Plus, I wanted some girl time.

This league is a sausage fest.

-Listen, I'm just happy you two are making amends, okay?

Because tomorrow night is gonna be a barn burner.

Good money, decent crowd.

-Where exactly are we headed?

-As far as I know, a real rural spot

full of good old boys and bad country women.

You'll love it.

-Speak for yourself, Rusty.

-♪ Ooh ♪

♪ And all the men that you hang around with ♪

♪ Now Devil you ♪

♪ Devil you ♪

♪ What you do ♪

Nick.

-Mm.

Hey, are we there yet?

-Uh, not exactly.

-So you're sure you didn't take it joy riding?

'Cause I told you, she's delicate.

-Okay, no offense, Rusty, but if I was joyriding,

it wouldn't be in this piece of crap.

-Hey, guys, can we please pick it up, okay?

Because the other ones are probably there,

and they're eating into my per diem.

-Hey!

You know, most managers wouldn't

have talent doing this shit.

-Well, I'm not "most managers."

-You can say that again.

-Rusty?

-Mm-hmm.

-That doesn't look like a hotel.

-Is this someone's house?

-Rusty, where's the hotel?

-Just a regular old road match, huh?

-What?

They're rock and roll people, Joe.

Our people.

-You got something you wanna tell us?

-What?

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay, it was supposed to be a surprise.

Joe, thank you.

I was going to give you guys part of the gate.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

-What percentage of the gate?

-I was thinking, like, 15% of the gate.

-Oh!

Hey!

-Rusty Beans. -Oh, welcome.

Welcome.

Oh, so happy you're here!

We were worried you got lost.

-Sorry, car trouble.

-Oh!

Come here.

Oh, you've had a long day.

You just leave your belongings to us,

and we'll bring them to your respective cabins.

-Hey, hear that, Joe?

Respective cabins.

You happy?

-I hope you brought your appetites.

-Yeah, we did.

-Come on, this way.

-Where are the others?

-Oh, they've been here for hours.

-Nick!

Come on!

-♪ Well, the night's begun ♪

♪ And you want some fun ♪

♪ Do you think you're gonna find it? ♪

♪ Think you're gonna find it ♪

♪ You got to treat yourself like number one ♪

-SAW in the house!

-♪ Do you need to be reminded? ♪

♪ Need to be reminded ♪

♪ It doesn't matter what you do or say ♪

♪ Just forget the things that you've been told ♪

♪ We can't do it any other way ♪

♪ Everybody's got to rock and roll ♪

♪ Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud ♪

♪ Shout it ♪

-Hey.

-Hey, hey!

-Get humble.

-Wow!

Well, if it isn't Kate the Late.

-Are they Jesus freaks or ex-cons?

-My money is on both.

-The bar is here.

Any drink you want, we got.

And we got hot dogs and Frenched fries as well.

-Ooh, I just love Frenched fries.

-Hey, save some drugs and liquor for us!

-All right, enjoy, everybody, enjoy!

-♪ Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud ♪

♪ Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud ♪

-One of those green drinks you're passing around, please.

Thank you.

Mm, try the --

-Turpentine.

-Nervous about your rematch with Kate?

-No, she said we buried the hatchet.

-So out of curiosity, if Kate broke kayfabe at your expense,

would you let her off so easy?

-Kate can't break kayfabe.

She's not acting.

Look, that's how she really is.

When your life's perfect, you don't have to pretend.

-Well, forget about her, okay?

What? It's even close.

-Stop.

I said, stop.

-What?

-That ain't right.

-Oh, racism in a small town.

Imagine that, huh?

Hey, can I help you with something?

Is there a problem?

-No problem, just nice to see two SAW legends getting

so cozy.

-Okay. -Just ignore them, okay?

Focus on us.

-You need to stop saying that.

There's no us.

I got to go take a piss.

-Look, it's almost the '90s, okay?

No one cares that we're together!

-Whoa!

Sorry.

-Miss Behave.

-That's me.

Actually, I think I'm lost.

-In what sense?

-Bathroom sense.

-Up the stairs, third door on your left.

-Thanks.

And the girlfriend of the year award goes to this bitch.

-♪ You know what it takes to get to me now ♪

-Gather round.

He speaks!

-My children, a glorious Lupercalia to all of you

and a most blessed Lupercalia to our formidable guests

of honor.

Look around you, so many touched souls.

All of us have endured pain and hardship

and have made sacrifices.

-Yes, leader!

-I promise you, I see your sacrifices.

He sees your sacrifices.

-Jesus freaks, I fucking knew it.

-So to all of you who possess a daring

spirit and a restless soul, to all

of you who are fired up with love for liberty,

I salute you.

We can conquer the heavens.

The power to do so is within our grasp.

-Yes, leader!

-It's ours to claim, as long as we are bold enough.

So raise your glasses, to sacrifice.

-To sacrifice!

-And to our guests tonight, everything

and everyone is here for you.

-Yes, leader!

-Welcome to paradise.

-No, no fucking way.

Laz, hey!

You recognize that guy?

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is a big one. The anniversary of the drive-in.

And most importantly, hats off to Darcy,

who also celebrates a birthday on June 6th, the exact same day.

I feel like this was meant to be.

-Okay. Who's next?

All right, it's vegan cake, but the Lone Star makes it edible.

Okay, I like the vibe they set up here at the beginning

of marginal wrestlers on the indie circuit

grateful for the little road job --

"dark match" meaning it's not a televised match --

with a total take of $50,000 for the whole show,

a number that makes Rusty Beans, the sleazy manager,

feel like he's rich.

How many people have to share that 50 thou, though?

I count at least 20 people because it's not just the ones

who piled into the van.

There's also a Winnebago for the other wrestlers

and the nonwrestlers attached to the SAW team,

SAW standing for, um...

I forget now. What does SAW stand for?

-Stars of Amateur Wrestling.

-Stars of Amateur Wrestling! Exactly.

Why would they put the word "amateur,"

though, in the name of their company?

They're pros. They work for money.

-So they can have a cool acronym.

-Well, yeah,

but it could have been Strong-Arm Wrestling

or Super Awesome Wrestling.

I mean, they got a lot of words to work with to get SAW.

-I feel like so we know that they're indie wrestlers.

-It's kind of like Ring of Honor, right?

-Yeah, actually, it kind of is.

-Explain Ring of Honor. What is that?

-Ring of Honor is like a sister promotion to AEW

that's only televised if --

like, you can watch it on the app, really.

Sometimes when you go to AEW matches,

they do Ring of Honor matches

before or after the actual televised matches.

-Okay, well, that's what I'm thinking we have here.

Filmmaker Lowell Dean wants us to know

that we're working with some lame-os.

And Rusty Beans... -Maybe.

-...is the head honcho

and Mean Joe Lean, the sort-of boyfriend of Miss Behave,

he had his greatest moment in the ring nine years ago.

The movie was filmed in northern Alberta,

out where there ain't no cell service no more.

And it kind of reminds me of the Death Tour.

You know what the Death Tour is?

-Yeah, of course.

Canadian wrestlers all talk about it.

And Jericho, he did a talk about it.

-Oh, so the Death Tour -- I'll see if I can describe it.

It's an annual event. It's three weeks long.

And it's where wrestlers from all over gather together

and they travel by car on these bad roads

to the farthest northern parts of Canada,

where the Eskimos live, and they do shows for people

who are never exposed to wrestling otherwise.

And the reason they call it the Death Tour

is that there are no hotels,

every wrestler brings his own sleeping bag and food.

It's in January and February,

the coldest time of the year in the coldest place on the planet.

And they sleep in unheated gymnasiums

and sometimes in the ring where they just performed,

and sometimes in the bus or in a car.

Sometimes they sleep on the side of the road.

And they wrestle every day.

And the experience is so rough that a lot of guys

can't last all three weeks.

They go home early.

And a lot of young wrestlers give up the sport entirely

after going on the Death Tour. -It's understandable.

-So anyway, it's a badge of honor to do the Death Tour --

well, to complete a death tour.

And Chris Jericho, who we just saw playing the Prophet,

did the Death Tour twice.

And, um, and actually, that's not even the record.

Lance Storm did it five times.

And both of those guys are Canadian, of course,

so they can do that frigid thing.

But you know who my favorite Death Tour veteran is?

-Oh, my God, if you say Don Callis...

-I'm gonna say Don Callis!

Don Callis, he is a genius.

Don Callis, he's a heel manager, these days, on AEW,

but he did a Death Tour when he was a wrestler.

-Fuck Don Callis. Just saying. Fuck Don Callis.

-He's despicable. He's despicable.

And that's why I love him.

He does despicable so well. -That's why we love you too.

-He's the most despicable guy I've ever seen on camera.

Um, but my favorite Death Tour story is

when Adam Copeland was driving

and he almost drove the crew van into a hole in an ice lake

that was the size of a football field.

He would have wiped out the entire Death Tour.

It's not funny.

-All right, but meanwhile... -That's funny.

-In the world of "Dark Match,"

everything is looking culty and druggy, don't you think?

Like some Northern California hippies

moved to northern Alberta

to have either an orgy or a séance

or a sensory training class or to make drug deals.

I'm not sure which.

The Prophet calls it Lupercalia, which comes from Rome

and which was all about random sex and animal sacrifice

and lots of whipping with leather thongs.

It's the "let's get kinky" Roman holiday.

So we could be headed for a BDSM dungeon,

but then again

we could be headed for some high-stakes wrestling.

So let's see where this goes.

Roll the flick.

And Darcy, as a wrestling insider,

I have a question for you.

If you're a billionaire and you want to have

a full two-hour professional wrestling card

in a ring set up in your backyard

for your nine-year-old son's birthday party,

is there a price for that?

Can you get that? Can you do that?

Could you do a real dark match?

-I feel like there's a price for everything.

-So how much,

if you want to get big-name wrestlers,

how much to do a dark match?

-Oh, wow, I would say a couple hundred thousand

would get you most guys,

but I think there's also gonna be some guys that no price --

you're gonna get them at no price.

-At any price? -Right.

-Um...

-Okay, well, they might have a price,

but it'd be, like, insane,

"go away unless you're gonna pay me enough to retire"

kind of money, like...

-Okay, but if you got four guys...

-How much you want to pay?

-But if you got four guys who would accept,

you know, an insane amount of money and you had a ring --

you rented a ring and you hired a ref

and you hired an announcer,

could you do all of that

for your nine-year-old's birthday party

in your backyard for a million?

-Are we doing that for my birthday party? Aww.

I would say, um, one to two million...

-One to two million.

-...and you can make a pretty cool birthday party.

-And there are people

who would consider that chump change.

I mean, we have a lot of billionaires in America.

We live in a strange world.

Yes, we do. Yes, we do.

-Hey, this is Bret "the Hitman" Hart

and I have a very special happy birthday shout-out

that's going out to Darcy the Mail Girl

because you are the excellence of execution

when it comes to being a mail girl,

and you prove every single day that you are the best there is,

the best there was, and the best there ever will be.

Just like the drive-in, is a day worth remembering.

It's a day to celebrate.

I have a fantastic birthday and God bless.

-Hey, Carol Ann bears gifts.

-Thank you.

But I think I'm going to pass.

-Oh!

-Hey, I thought the Heels were the ones

who were breaking the rules.

-Not Miss.

Miss just breaks noses.

-Dude, I thought you said that we buried the hatchet.

-I'm messing with you!

But from one friend to another,

you've been tense lately, huh?

You could try chilling the hell out.

Hm? Come on.

-Okay, just one, because we're going to wrestle tomorrow.

-She's a one-hit wonder.

-It's good, isn't it?

Now, we have ourselves a party.

-Rusty, Rusty, Rusty!

You know -- you know who that guy is, right?

You know who the leader is?

-Mean Joe Lean, I'm your biggest fan!

-I'm flattered.

I don't -- I don't do road flings.

Can you help me find Nick?

-I can help you with that.

-We should book this region more often.

-Hey, save some for me.

-You can have as much as you want.

Where are we going?

Wow.

Wow.

Thank you, officer.

-Happy Lupercalia, sister.

-Happy Luperchonga to you, too.

You guys aren't real sisters, are you?

I don't care.

-I got to find Nick.

What's happening?

-So I'm having this dream.

I'm in the ring.

His hand comes out of nowhere.

And he's just --

he's just holding me down, you know?

Like, I can't breathe.

It's weird.

-Maybe it wasn't a dream.

Maybe it was a premonition of your imminent death.

-Kate, for a blonde, you are fucking dark.

-If your fans only knew.

-Pretty good, right?

-Oh, yeah, this is primo quality.

-What are you saying?

Is that -- who said that?

There you are.

What do you got there?

Whoa, whoa, hey!

-Where are we?

What did you guys give me?

It's okay.

I kinda like it.

-Where are we?

-♪ Take me for a ride ♪

-Morning! -Morning.

-So, how'd you sleep?

-Like shit.

You? -So good!

Hey, you and Joe seemed pretty cozy last night.

-Kate.

-Are you guys a thing?

-It's too early for this.

Ooh, I wonder what's for breakfast!

Ooh. -Hell of a feast.

-Mm-hmm.

-Hey, kids.

-Hey!

You okay?

-Someone spent the night with the locals, huh?

-Rusty, word about tonight?

-Uh, can't it wait?

-Actually, no.

-Make sure we all get paid!

-Where's Joe?

-Probably sleeping off whatever the two of you

didn't get up to last night.

There's just not enough jell-o at the breakfast table,

you know?

-Are you going to finish that?

-Okay, where's Kate going?

-Probably with the other faces.

I hear they're going to keep us separate until tonight,

you know?

Maintain the illusion of rivalry!

-Seriously, though, is it just me, or is there something

off about this place?

-Here she goes again.

-I'm sorry, Miss.

I had a great time last night.

I even got laid.

-Okay, now we know something's off.

-Told you!

-Hey, what do you say we ditch the Jesus act tonight,

play Satanists?

-Morning.

-Hey, you missed breakfast.

-I know. I just feel like crap.

-Right.

Look, about last night...

-Look, I don't know what happened.

I don't remember anything, nothing.

-You don't owe me any explanations, Joe.

It's like I said, there is no us.

-Nick!

Nick!

It's quite the setup, huh?

Hello?

-Hi.

-Are all these matches looking a little --

-Gimmicky?

-Yeah.

I mean, what the hell is an inferno match?

-I have no idea.

But I would wrestle in lava if it got me a title shot.

-And you would win the title shot.

Look, Nick, about last night --

-No, you don't need to explain.

-Yes, I do need to explain, Nick.

Come on.

I didn't mean to sleep with that girl.

-Oh, it was an accident.

You just slipped and found your dick in her.

-Look, I think I was drugged.

I don't know what happened.

It's all a blur.

There he is!

So, how is it?

-Hey, did you wake up with any strangers in your bed?

No, none?

Me neither.

Weird.

-♪ Y'all pretty ladies around the world ♪

♪ Got a weird thing to show you ♪

♪ So tell all the boys and girls ♪

♪ Tell your brother, your sister, and your mama, too ♪

♪ 'Cause we're about to go down ♪

♪ And you know just what to do ♪

♪ Wave your hands in the air like you don't care ♪

♪ Glide by the people as they stop to look and stare ♪

♪ Do your dance, do your dance quick ♪

♪ Do your dance quick, mama ♪

♪ Come on, baby ♪

♪ Tell me, what's the word? ♪

♪ Word up ♪

♪ Everybody say, when you hear the call, ♪

♪ You got to get it underway ♪

♪ Word up, it's the code word ♪

♪ No matter where you say it ♪

♪ You know that you'll be heard ♪

♪ Now, all you sucker DJs...♪

-Well, hello again.

Sorry, did I spook you?

-No, I'm fine.

-Please, follow me.

-Whoa, hey, do you know him?

-We met at the party.

-Talent holding is down there.

-All these for the amenities.

-Yeah, or lack thereof.

-Hey!

Can we just wait outside? -In the cold?

Speak for yourself.

Whoo!

Oh, donuts.

-I'm guessing the faces are somewhere nicer, as always.

-Okay, okay, focus up.

Let's go!

Gather round.

Come on.

Just have a good show, yeah?

And seriously, just leave it all out there tonight.

Yeah, okay, good.

You boys, you're up first.

-I'm Thick. -I'm Thin.

-We're in.

-Hey, what's going on?

Is everything okay?

-Yeah, it's showtime.

-One thing that struck me as odd about this movie

is the idea that they have separate dressing rooms

for the heels and the faces.

Or we should explain that first

for the non-wrestling fans.

Faces are the stars,

the crowd favorites, the ones everybody wants to win,

and then the heels are the bad guys,

because they have behind-the-scenes backstories

leading up to each match,

for both the heels and the faces.

And the wrestlers who have long careers,

they might be both.

They might go back and forth from heel to face to heel.

Anyway, in this movie, the star, Miss Behave,

played by Ayisha Issa, is a heel,

and Kate the Great, played by Sara Canning,

is the face.

But Darcy -- is this true, Darcy --

as an insider,

is it true that they make the heels

and the faces stay apart in the dressing room?

-It definitely can be.

Especially in old-school wrestling,

there was always a heel van and a face van,

and sometimes the heel and the face would meet in the ring

for the very first time,

like that's the first time they saw each other.

-When they wrestle, it's the first time they ever meet.

-And they still do that sometimes now,

like in indies and Japan.

-Wow. Okay.

Anyway, I also wanted to mention the character of Enigma,

the luchador who doesn't speak and never takes off his mask.

A luchador is a masked Mexican wrestler,

and that is possibly an homage

to the WWE wrestler Rey Mysterio,

who never takes off his mask in public -- like, never.

But anyway, I don't know why we're speculating

when we have the writer-director here with us tonight.

He's already a favorite of ours from when we showed "WolfCop."

-Whoo! -He's the one-man horror industry of Saskatchewan.

-Yeah! -The pride of Saskatoon.

Come on out here, Lowell!

Ladies and gentlemen, Lowell Dean!

-Oh, thank you for being here. -Thank you.

-Okay. -Thank you, Joe Bob.

-All right, thank you. -Thank you.

-Whoo! -All right.

-Lowell... -This is surreal. Thank you.

-I know, right?

-We don't have a lot of Saskatchewan films

on "The Last Drive-In."

Um, but we love "WolfCop."

-Thank you. -Whoo! We do.

-And I know -- I've heard you talk about the Prairies.

It's called the Prairies.

You know, what we maybe would call the Midwest

or the the Great Plains or something,

you call it the Prairies,

meaning all that flat land out in the middle of Canada.

Now, is that a thing?

Like, people from the Prairies

are different from the other Canadians?

-I mean, this is a very delicate question.

Really?

Is that a political question? -You can pass.

-Not political, but I would say, like,

yeah, the Prairies are a different folk.

Um, I think, you know, we in Canada,

we have like the city folk, the bigger-city folk,

which would be obviously Toronto, Ontario,

uh, maybe, to an extent, Vancouver.

But I think the Prairie folk are like a hardy stock.

-But that's you, right?

-I'm one of the softer members of the Prairie folk.

-Okay.

-I feel like -- move on. -All right.

Well, obvious question -- Are you a wrestling fan?

-You know, I wasn't a super-big wrestling fan,

but a friend brought me to an event in Regina,

where I'm from, called High Impact Wrestling,

and, um, it changed me.

It changed me.

That's actually where the idea for this movie was born,

with the whole cult.

-Like, recently? -No, this is about a decade ago.

But I won't lie,

he kind of had to drag me to it, and I was like,

"I don't know if I want to go to wrestling."

And, um -- but by the end of the night,

I had lost my voice from screaming.

I was -- yes. -Yes?

-I was losing it. -Trust.

-You're absolutely right.

And, um, I was converted.

And I literally thought, like --

if you're not freaking out, you're the weirdo in the group.

-Exactly. -Yeah.

-Well, now, was there some kind of aha moment

that caused you to say,

"Hey, I'm gonna combine wrestling with horror.

And I've got just the story. It's in my head."

-I mean, yes, absolutely.

It was at one of these events,

and I don't remember the exact specifics,

but, um, a heel came out, and everyone was chanting in unison

and doing these moves,

and I thought, like, "I don't know what's happening.

I feel like I'm at a cult."

And that was the light bulb.

That was like the, "Okay, this should be a movie."

I can definitely see that.

-Well, now in this movie

you have both wrestlers and actors all mixed together.

So I have to ask you, what is easier --

to find a wrestler who can act

or find an actor who can wrestle?

-Ooh, good question.

-That is a really good question.

I think it's like -- it depends.

Honestly, like, I wish I could say it was like,

one to one, this is the better way.

But it felt like we were pulling off a heist

while we were casting this movie,

because we had to put all the names of the characters

on the board and literally say how much --

it's kind of boring and mathematical,

but how much fighting are you doing

and how much acting are you doing?

And there's a couple characters who were kind of on the line.

Like, Kate the Great,

we were leaning wrestler, but then I'm like, no,

she has some very interesting character stuff she has to do,

so we went actor.

But the only one who was really scary to me

was Ayisha Issa -- Miss Behave --

because there was no cheating her fighting.

She had to be a good fighter,

but she also had to have the weight of a really strong actor.

-But she's primarily an actress.

-She is primarily, but she began her career,

believe it or not, as a stunt performer,

and she has, like, Brazilian jiujitsu

and things like this.

So she had a really strong fight background.

And so I got really lucky for casting her.

-So she can take a punch. -She's really good.

-Yeah, she can take a punch. -Okay.

Um, but you did not shoot in --

I mean, when we showed "WolfCap" -- "WolfCop,"

I talked all about Saskatchewan.

Stop doing that.

-But you did not shoot in Saskatchewan this time.

You traveled across the Prairies to Edmonton,

and then you went way out in the boonies from there

in what looked to be --

it looked like you were way out in the boonies

in pretty frigid conditions, right?

-Yeah, we had, um --

so when we knew we were gonna shoot this movie in Edmonton,

in winter --

the original script was gonna be at a summer camp

and outside and joyous to shoot, right?

-Wow. -Yes. And, uh...

And then when it became winter, it's like,

let's find a location that's all interior,

and I rewrote the script to just have two exterior days.

And it was like, how hard can that be?

It was minus-40 on those two days, so...

-Ooh. -Wow.

-And you know, what are they wearing?

They're wearing a wrestling outfit.

- So some people were not stoked. - Wow.

-But you're saying the original script was in summer, and you changed it?

Why did you change it? -Yes, good question again.

To make it more bleak?

-It does kind of work that way, though.

-It's a boring answer, actually.

It was scheduling -- that by the time we got the scheduling

and the financing together and everything...

-You had to go shoot right there.

-We had to go shoot.

When someone's ready to make a movie,

and the company behind this department was ready,

I'm like, "Let's go. We got to go."

And so they were ready to back the film,

and we kind of -- we slipped into winter,

and I actually convinced myself maybe it was cooler

because it would be scarier to -- if you're in a basement.

-I actually think it is scary

because of it being the dead of winter.

-I agree. It feels so isolated.

-Okay, well, stick with us.

We're gonna go back to the movie.

And, oh, yeah, what genre is this movie?

-That is -- why are you giving me all the hard questions today?

I would say thriller.

I started off saying horror, but I don't know.

Is this like, is this a hard horror film or halfway?

-I'm gonna tell you. -I want to say yes.

-I think it's an action, mystery, martial arts,

supernatural, horror, feminist love story.

-Can I get that written down? I'll use that.

-Yes, I'll give you -- I'll write that down for you.

-We'll get you a sound bite. -Thank you.

-All right, you agree with that, though, right?

-I mean, it makes it sound cooler.

-You hit mixed genres like crazy.

-I love mixed genres. Yeah. That's my thing.

-Well, whatever we call it,

I want to thank you for coming down here from Regina

to share it with us.

And roll the film.

Um, did you come from Regina or Saskatoon?

-I came from Regina, yeah. -Okay.

-Now, this is a Friday night.

Um, what is it like in downtown Regina

or downtown Saskatoon right now?

-Right now, it's probably frigid.

Even if it's warm out, it's probably snowing.

And people are going to be in a pub somewhere,

either watching a football game --

the Roughriders --

or thinking about watching the Riders.

-Okay. Is there a lot of whisky consumed in Saskatoon?

-Oh, for sure, yeah. Whisky.

-Like, Canadian whisky. Good Canadian whisky, right?

-Yes, Canadian whisky.

Okay.

-And on your license plate it says "Land of Living Skies."

-Yes. -What the fuck, Lowell?

-We have gorgeous skies.

The skies in Saskatchewan are beautiful,

and I think it just feels like it's almost "The Walking Dead,"

you know, land of the living something?

-It's not like those fucked Toronto skies

or those -- those British Columbia skies.

Land of the Living Skies.

-If you see a Saskatchewan sunset, you'll be converted.

-Okay, I'm gonna check that out.

-Whoo-hoo!

Happy birthday to Darcy and the drive-in!

-A happy birthday, Darcy.

May every wish, may every dream come true for you.

-It's Tiffany Shepis, and I'm here reporting to you live

from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania,

because today's a special day.

Today is Darcy's birthday.

Happy birthday, Darcy, from me,

but more importantly, from all of Pittsburgh.

Happy birthday, Darcy!

Yo, happy birthday, Darcy.

Happy birthday, Darcy.

S-See? Everybody loves you.

Happy birthday.

-My children, our time is now.

Lupercalia, the celebration of our rebirth.

Five matches, five offerings!

Let the celebration begin!

-Who here is ready for some wrestling?

Give it up for the Bible-thumping hooligans,

the gospel!

Give it up for the malicious mammals of the ring,

the Beast Brothers!

-What's with the spikes?

-Re-brand?

-We've been waiting weeks to mop the floor

with you overrated house pets.

Yeah, you might have those scary new masks.

But we know the truth.

You wear them to hide the fact that you're scared!

But you can't hide, not from Jesus.

-Okay, first match is wind-themed.

I call it a tag team tornado match,

because I like alliteration.

No tags, and it ain't over until one of you is eliminated.

-To your corners.

-Rust, is this a joke?

-Just do your job.

-Rust.

A word outside. Now.

-No coffee, but plenty of glow sticks, birthday hats,

and welcome signs.

Ah, the crowd is bonkers.

-No, that sounds like a machine.

-Look out!

-What the fuck!

-What the fuck? Was that locked?

-Of course not.

What can I do you for?

-I want to go watch the match.

-We've got strict orders to guard the talent.

You've got a bunch of rabid fans up there.

-Do I look like I need a bodyguard?

-No! Look at you.

You're so strong.

-Don't worry.

They only need one!

-Hey.

You seriously don't find this weird?

-You remember that gig in Moose Jaw?

That was weird.

Look, Virgin Mary.

-God, just grow up.

-Hey, headset.

Is this yours?

-You can have it.

-It's broken.

-Thick!

-A little ambiance would be nice in here.

-Thick!

Beginning with the women's match.

-Okay. -Over.

-Roger that, grabbing the talent.

Miss Impatient, you're in luck.

You're up.

-Don't fucking touch me.

Hey, where's my good luck kiss?

-Whoa, who stole my Nick, huh?

-Hey, who needs a gun to babysit

a bunch of B-grade wrestlers?

-B grade?

Speak for yourself. -I'm serious, Joe.

-Miss Behave, you're up.

-Just do what you're told.

And maybe you'll get out alive.

-It's time for the women's match!

It's an interesting one, and not just

because of the sprinklers!

I think they're headed in now.

We mustn't spoil the surprise.

That's how you do it.

This isn't a game, Rusty.

Play your part, or this gets much worse, for all of you.

-Where the hell is Thick and Thin?

They should have been back by now.

Hey, did you notice security's packing?

I'm worried about Nick.

-Let's just hurry up and wait? -Seconds away, Miss.

-Shit, I forgot my chain. -Don't worry.

There's props in the ring.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Kate the Great!

-Woo!

Let's go, baby!

Woo!

-And the woman who dares face her, Miss Behave!

-Break a leg.

-Screw this.

We need to get the hell out of here.

-What? Are you okay?

-They have guns.

-Okay, okay, listen. We're getting paid.

So just give them a show.

Do some old choreo.

You think these yokels can tell the difference?

-Hey, open up!

-Hey, you gotta swing wide.

You just hit me.

-Sorry, the energy in here is really insane.

-You fucking done here?

Just stick to the choreography!

-Okay, all right, all right.

I'm sorry.

-This is so crazy.

I can't -- I can't die in the ring, Nick.

-What are you talking about?

We're getting out of here.

-Well...

...one of us is.

-What the hell?

-Enigma, here, let's get this.

Come on.

We got to find a way out of here.

Everything's bolted!

What is that?

God! Dead end!

Come on, come on, come on, come on!

Someone open up!

-What are you doing?

-Isn't it obvious?

I'm winning!

-Kate, you don't have to do this.

-Oh, I know.

I want to!

This is the plan, honey!

Our plan.

-Finish her!

Finish her! Finish her!

Finish her!

Finish her! -Finish her!

Finish her!

-You think you're so dangerous?

Who's dangerous now?

-Don't you get it, Nick?

This doesn't end until one of us dies!

-Father.

Finish it.

-Oh, oh, my God.

-Wait, wait!

-As much as it kills me to say this, we have our sacrifice.

Get her out of here!

-I'm sorry!

-Oh, daughter, my daughter.

Okay, Lowell, I know you've done a lot of TV in Canada,

but, um, I don't think you've done

any wrestling shows, have you?

-No, I have not done any wrestling TV.

-All right, because, well,

you shot these wrestling scenes kind of, um,

claustrophobically.

I mean, I assume on purpose.

You know, we're up close with the wrestlers

because you get the camera in there,

where you can't really do that with TV,

and we don't see much of the crowd.

I assume that you're trying to get into the psychology

of the two people that are trying to kill each other

in the -- on the dark stage.

-It was a mix of things.

It was definitely,

uh, we're trying to make it horrific and scary and, um --

but also we didn't have a ton of extras,

if I'm being honest, so part of the fun was like --

- What? - Yeah, go figure.

...dropping it into darkness and kind of just seeing, like,

little hints of people and silhouettes

because I thought that would also feel creepier

if you're suddenly used to fighting a certain way,

like having people cheer for you as you come out,

and then all of a sudden you walk out

and it's just kind of like crickets, you know,

and then you go and fight and people are not that nice.

-I thought maybe it was because you just go into a zone,

the fighter goes into a zone

and you're on his POV camera, but...

-I mean, a little of that too.

-It's a good theory. -It's a good theory, yeah.

-How much time did you have to spend

on each of those wrestling matches --

each of the fights?

Because they're all kind of gnarly.

I mean, you have wind, water...

Spoiler alert -- fire is coming up.

So how much time did it take to do those?

-It depended on the fight.

Like, uh, we really had to look at each fight and say,

how big did they need to be?

And, originally, the wind match,

I wanted like two or three days to shoot that,

and then we had to prioritize other ones.

So we really turned that more into like a psychological match

where you, like, cut away

when something's gonna get interesting,

you know, and go to the green room.

-Now, why would the wind match take two or three days?

Because you were going to create a hurricane?

-I kind of wanted to go a little bigger than we did,

if I'm being honest, but I think what we did worked.

I think it's like, you know,

you also don't want to give away everything too early,

and we knew we were building to some,

I think, pretty cool matches.

-Yeah.

-The water one, which we just saw,

that was a really important.

I wouldn't have sacrificed that for anything.

And we had, um, a full day to shoot that one,

which may sound like a lot or not a lot,

but for me, coming from things like "WolfCop,"

we were shooting sometimes fight scenes in like, uh, literally,

I think our quickest was 15 minutes we had one.

We shot a whole fight scene in 15 minutes.

So this was, uh, luxurious by that comparison.

And then also safety, right?

Like, you're doing things like having fire and water

and real human actors.

And we had an amazing, uh, stunt team

and stunt coordinator, Jean Frenette,

who -- our movie's up for what we call a Canadian Oscar,

the Canadian Screen Awards, for his work in this film, so...

-Wow.

-Yeah, we took the fights pretty seriously.

-Okay.

So for most of the key roles, you had experienced actors.

Ayisha Issa as Miss Behave, who, as you mentioned,

also had Brazilian jiujitsu experience,

and so she had no trouble getting physical.

Steven Ogg as Mean Joe Lean.

And these wrestler names are great, by the way.

Is that a play on Mean Joe Greene or...

-No, it's, uh -- I'll say this --

It's embarrassing, but, you know the Dolly Parton song "Jolene"?

-That's what I thought it was.

-When I was a kid, I thought -- -That's what I thought it was.

-The Dolly Parton song "Jolene."

-I thought she was singing about a man named "Joe Lean."

And, uh, so that's -- I know, it's embarrassing.

- Like a man named Sue? - Same thing.

-Kind of. Kind of.

But I was like, "'Joe Lean'? Who is this 'Joe Lean' guy?"

-Oh, my God, that's so funny. -That was a homage to that.

-Okay.

Steven Ogg is best known for being the main character

in Grand Theft Auto V.

Mohammed Adan plays Enigma.

-Yes. -Uh, he's a Calgary wrestler.

-A real-deal wrestler, yeah. -Yeah.

Sara Canning is Kate the Great.

She's in everything.

She co-starred in "The Vampire Diaries."

She was in one of our "Creepshow" episodes at Shudder.

Um, Jonathan Cherry plays Rusty Beans.

He's in your little stock company.

He's in everything you do, right?

-Yes. The repertoire. -We saw him in "WolfCop."

And so mostly this was really good actors inhabiting a world

that was probably foreign to them,

but obviously not foreign to you.

Um, so what kind of research did you do

besides going to the matches?

-I did a lot of research.

I -- you know, I talked about falling in love with wrestling

and High Impact Wrestling in Regina.

I got so interested in that,

I started trying to do a documentary on it.

So I followed around a lot of real-life,

uh, day-to-day wrestlers who, when they're not there,

they might be working in a car dealership or something.

So I got to know the real blue-collar wrestling world,

and I was fascinated.

And one of the guys, Enigma,

I mean, there is Rey Mysterio influences,

but there was an actual wrestler I met

who would not let me see him without his mask.

Every time I interviewed him, I'm like, "You can take it off."

And he's like, "No, I'll never take it off."

-Okay. -I fell in love with that, yeah.

-Well, the twist we just saw is that Kate the Great

turns out to be the daughter of the Prophet,

and now the dead daughter of the Prophet.

And whatever he's doing is so important to him

that he would wager his daughter's life on it.

So is he...

Because I didn't -- I wasn't sure.

Is he a nutcase or...

...or a religious zealot or just a power whore?

-I mean, I feel like we'll have to, at some point,

ask Chris Jericho to get what he thinks the Leader is.

Or the Prophet.

-I feel like it might be all three.

-It might be all three.

I mean, I have my own opinions and, um...

-Well, you wrote it, right?

- Yes. - I mean...

-But I never like to say, like, I have to be

the decider of everything.

Even with a movie like this.

-You're the director!

You're the decider of everything!

-Okay, well, then my opinion is he's for sure insane.

-He's insane. -Yeah, he's insane.

-Okay. -Jericho or the Prophet?

Just...move on, move on.

-I will go with the Prophet. -Good answer.

-All right, back to the movie.

And please stick with us for one more break 'cause --

you got time, right?

-Absolutely. -Okay.

Um, Darcy, have you ever been watching a match

and thought somebody might have been

actually killed in the match?

Because you've seen a lot of matches.

-I mean...are we counting Owen Hart? We all know --

-Well, we know Owen Hart --

well, Owen Hart died because a piece of equipment

in a stunt failed,

and he fell from the rafters of the Kemper Arena.

But, I mean, does anyone ever die

from a wrestling hit, just being hit?

-Yeah, I mean, unfortunately, that definitely does happen,

but never at something that I went to.

I think the closest scare we had was

when I took my sister to her very first show ever,

and Hangman Page got legit really hurt.

And they stopped the show early, and Mox was in the ring praying,

and we all just sat there not knowing if he was okay or not.

-So -- but he was okay? -Eventually, yes.

-And you know, in boxing,

there are hundreds that have died,

mostly from brain injuries.

I think the good thing about wrestling

is that they stay away from the head.

-Oh, well, not always.

-But I mean, when they go for the head,

it's like a glancing blow.

-Yeah, but there are a lot of head injuries in wrestling.

-But boxers are trying to hurt the brain.

That's the purpose. -Okay, fair.

-And presumably wrestlers are trying

to avoid permanent injuries to either fighter.

And that's why the very first sequence in the movie,

uh, Miss Behave loses half her pay

because she hits Kate the Great in the face intentionally,

which is not cool.

Right? -Very not cool.

-If she'd used the metal folding chair over her head,

that would have been okay.

Exactly.

-Hey, it's Chris Jericho here.

Just wishing not just the drive-in a happy birthday,

but Darcy the Mail Girl as well.

I've never met anybody

with the knowledge of horror that she has,

from "Prom Night," "Prom Night II,"

"April Fool's Day," "Scream,"

"Blood Sucking Freaks," "Things."

Anyways, Darcy the Mail Girl, happy birthday to you,

and thank you for keeping horror alive in 2025.

Happy birthday to the drive-in.

I'm gonna go tonight -- tonight, I say --

to be a part of this American institution

just like Darcy the Mail Girl.

-Jesus, Nick!

Nick, what happened?

What happened?

What?

Oh, God.

Where's Kate, huh?

-She was in on it.

-In on what?

-I don't know!

And then I killed her.

I had to --

I had to kill her.

She was his daughter.

-Damn.

Little Kate Warren.

-What?

-Last night, the fever dream, the drugs.

The leader is The Prophet.

-Like the wrestler?

-Yeah, come here, come here.

The Prophet, he always had

these vague Christian leanings.

'82, he took a hard right.

He introduced these occult elements into his persona,

crazy friendship.

He replaced the fans he lost with new ones,

lost souls just searching for something,

searching for anything.

And they'd follow him from town to town,

their own personal savior.

The matches got violent.

Fights broke out.

That last match was meant to be mine, at the last minute.

He wouldn't give up.

I did what I had to do.

The league blacklisted him.

He's been a ghost ever since.

So is all this my fault?

You got lucky.

Enigma, you're up.

-I mean, why don't you just shoot us?

-I want to talk to the Prophet.

I want to talk to David.

-His name is The Leader.

-Joe, they're going to kill him.

This isn't a dark match.

I saw cameras.

-Let's observe a moment of silence for Kate the Great.

I ask that you remember her name, her skill.

I say this to everyone watching --

ashes to ashes, dirt to dirt.

-You seem down, Rusty.

This will pep you up.

Look at me.

Serve your purpose and announce the match.

Do it!

-I'm sorry.

-What are you going to do, Rusty?

You know, you're right.

This is all your fault. You've played your part.

Do it. This is your fate.

Take it.

Take it!

Chicken shit.

Your time is done here, Rusty.

It's been nice knowing you.

Get up.

Get this guy out of here.

-I defy anyone watching to call what we do fake,

not tonight.

And on that note, regardless of the outcome,

the world keeps on spinning.

Time for another match.

This one's a favorite.

-Showtime, guys.

And we're rolling in 3, 2, 1.

Come on, get up!

-I have to start carrying weapons.

You know they're going to kill him.

The crowd is out for blood.

-Enigma is a tough son of a bitch.

-Yeah, and so was Kate.

And I killed her.

-Okay, okay!

-On your knees.

No one would care if you died, shit boy.

-I would care.

He's an asshole.

He's the reason we're in this mess.

-Joe.

-All right, now, give me five minutes with him.

And there's not going to be anything left.

-But you're up next.

-He's a buck 50 soaking wet.

I'm going to bash his fucking skull in!

-Come on, Enigma.

Fight back. What's wrong with you?

-Prefect, I'm sorry about your daughter.

We should really be there during the match.

Your presence is needed.

-The only thing that matters now are the recordings.

-Do not give in to distraction.

Those are simply for posterity.

The ritual?

-The ritual?

SAW has taken everything from me, even my only daughter.

The only thing that matters to me now is revenge.

-Yeah, nice try.

What are you waiting for?

Kill him.

-You idiots are just going to stand there, watching?

-You want us to leave you alone?

Hell, no.

So come on, tough guy.

Do it.

-They lied to me.

Joe, I didn't know what their plan was, I swear.

They've been drugging me.

And they branded me!

No, no, no, no.

-You sold us out.

-Get the fuck up!

-Here comes a big one.

-Yeah!

That's like the old school stuff,

hand signals, the eyebrow.

You pull your punches.

Ow!

You smack!

-You got us fucking killed!

You deserve whatever is coming to you!

-You don't think I know that, Joe?

Putz.

I wish I was dead, okay?

He's recording these.

He's making copies.

-What do you mean?

This is a snuff film?

-You're the last match, Joe, last being the operative word.

-This whole cult thing, it's a front.

He's mass-producing these VHS snuff tapes.

He has a control room in that house up there.

And let me just say, for somebody

who has dabbled in the illicit side of the sport,

there's some serious moolah to be made.

He's going to get rich.

-We got to find Enigma.

-I hate to break it to you.

He's already dead.

-Stay close.

-You really think you're getting out of here alive?

-God damn.

We're going to be stinking rich.

-Grab Lean.

-Okay, come on.

Let's go.

Get in.

-This is your goddamn plan, a crawl space?

-Yes, this is my goddamn plan.

Take glow stick.

Get in.

Here, Nick, let's go.

-All right, come on.

-All right.

-Joe, don't play the hero.

Get in.

-No, no, no, someone's got to stay back, okay?

This is our only option.

Okay, now, when the coast is clear,

I want you to run like hell.

-How are we going to know?

-You'll know.

-So, Joe's big escape plan is he locks

two of his best friends in a hole,

and then he goes and kills himself?

-You're not his best friend.

-Fair.

-Your boys pissed me off.

-Where are the others?

-Long gone.

-Why didn't you run?

-I owe your boss an ass-whoopin'.

-Bringing him in.

-All right, children, who's fired up for the next match?

Fire being the operative word.

-So are you going to man up and face me?

-Patience, man.

You're going to get your chance.

But first...

-Rusty and Miss, they're gone.

-What do you mean, they're gone?

-Gone.

-All right, listen, clear the property.

Nothing stops this ritual, nothing.

You understand?

it's just us now.

-Our next match is a big one for true SAW

fans, a rematch between the beloved hero,

Lazarus Smashley...

...and that false idol heathen, all-around piece

of shit, Mean Joe Lean!

-In keeping with tonight's theme,

our next match is special.

Our fourth element, our fourth offering --

-Inferno.

-You don't have to do this, Laz!

If anyone should die, it's this asshole here.

Come on, come on.

You with me?

-They've got shit on all of us, Joe, huh?

They've got my family.

They're going to kill my family, my son!

-Jesus Christ!

Do something! Do something!

Put him out!

Someone help him!

Put him out!

Fuck, someone help him!

Someone help him!

Do something!

Fuck!

-Oh, my children, the time has come

for the final match of the evening

and the final match in SAW, ever.

You see, my entire career, people

told me that pro wrestling was fake,

that the hits didn't connect.

The injuries were self-inflicted.

But they are wrong!

Pro wrestling is about showmanship.

Pro wrestling is about sacrifice.

I have sacrificed everything for this championship.

I sacrificed my own daughter.

And tonight, the sacrifices literally continue.

Only one walks away, maybe neither.

-Two-minute blackout, here we go

-I'm impressed you stayed.

I figured you would have run away with all the rest.

-I'm not running.

-Hi, Darcy.

It's Linnea here, reporting for duty.

I'm here to wish you a happy birthday.

And you're beautiful inside and out.

Have a good one!

-Hey, it's me, Bill Moseley, aka Otis Driftwood.

It's their hair, but, ow, it's my beard.

And I just wanted to wish Darcy and, uh, "Last Drive-In"

a very happy birthday.

I hear it's 6/6, but, uh, of course I am the devil,

I'm here to do the devil's work, so let's call it 666.

Happy birthday.

-Okay, Lowell,

it's time for the final match of the "Dark Match,"

and I have some questions.

-I'm ready. -Jericho's character.

He just said, "All I care about is revenge."

So is he power hungry

because this cult grew up around him,

which was pretty much stated in a previous scene?

Is he a whack job?

Is he a religious puritan who really believes in Satan?

Does he really believe in Satan?

And why is he making snuff films?

Does he need money? Because...

And as far as the feud with, uh, with Joe goes, um,

he won the feud, right?

He was supposed to lose,

but he broke the rules of the Brotherhood and he won anyway.

So he shouldn't be mad at Joe, because he won, right?

In other words, this is all part of one question,

which is, what does the Prophet want?

-What does he really want? Okay.

I feel like it's, as presented,

a bit of a grab bag of things, right?

Um, I love movies where, um, it's not just like,

"I have one motivation."

Like, I always think of Hans Gruber in "Die Hard,"

where you spend a lot of the movie thinking,

"Oh, this guy's a terrorist."

And it's like, "Oh, you're a bank robber."

-I know! -So...

-Terrorist is much cooler. -It is cooler.

So I think, like, I mean,

I had conversations with Jericho about this

in terms of like, "What do you think he really wants?

What do you think he needs?"

I think he, to me, I think he snaps a bit

when his daughter is killed.

And I think it's like, "You know what?

Screw all this, you know?

I need to really just glom on to the thing

I really want, which is to kill this guy

I've hated for my whole career."

You know, you got that office rival.

I think, to him, Joe is someone

he just wants to see dead.

-Okay.

And so it's not about Satan so much,

and it's not about the making money on the snuff films.

-I think it's a nice retirement idea,

but I think the snuff films are like

the icing-on-the-cake, surface stuff.

And I think Satan -- I don't know, I don't think --

-It's a good backup plan. -It's a good backup plan.

I don't know how much he believes in Satan.

I think his people may believe in it a bit more.

-Okay.

-Oh, yeah. Good point. -All right.

And then I'm not gonna do any spoilers,

but the final scene of the movie, which is very short,

I'm gonna guess that was a very expensive

and time-consuming scene,

and it might tell us something about the whole purpose

of the dark match.

Would that be correct?

-That's very well said. Yes.

-And so there's an overarching supernatural element

to this whole story, right?

-Yes.

It's -- I mean, the ideas are --

are they gonna resurrect Satan?

Is this all insane?

And, um, I think the question lingers,

especially at this point in the movie.

-Okay.

And is the last scene a set up for a "Dark Match 2"?

-You know what?

In my in my mind, it could just end there, and that's fine.

I would love to do a "Dark Match 2."

I think there is a place to go with it,

but I don't think it's a cheap-out ending.

I think if it just stops there, it's kind of fun.

-Okay.

Well, congratulations,

because "Dark Match" has taken the horror world by storm

ever since its premiere last year

at Fantasia Fest in Montreal.

And, um, uh, what do you think, um, Darcy,

about how does "Dark Match" compare to "Ready to Rumble"?

-You already asked me that. It doesn't compare.

One's a comedy, one's horror.

-All right, Lowell, do you think

you might be able to hire David Arquette

to star in "Dark Match 2"?

-I mean, if you have his number, I'll give him a try.

I would love to.

-Done. We just made a deal. Let's do it.

-He would be great in it. -Yes! He really would.

-That would pretty much guarantee

that the Darcy Army would follow you

into the depths of hell.

-For David Arquette.

-Well, you get the "Scream" crossover crowd too.

-So, Darcy, why did you choose "Dark Match"

as your birthday movie?

-Because it's fun

and we got to talk about wrestling all night and Jericho.

And supporting Lowell.

Like, ever since "WolfCop," like, I've been a huge fan.

You're amazing.

And let's be real, you weren't gonna give me

"Scream" or "Halloween III," so...

-All right, I would buy -- I would buy "Scream."

I'm not the high sheriff of Shudder, so...

And now we -- now we're gonna continue

with the somewhat surprising conclusion of "Dark Match."

So roll it.

The wrestlers I was familiar with growing up

were Fritz Von Erich and the Von Erich brothers.

Now, did either of you see "The Iron Claw,"

the movie about the Von Erichs?

-I did, yeah. -I did not.

You saw it?

You did not see it, Darcy?

I heard it was sad.

I don't want to watch sad wrestling movies.

-Okay, well, Maxwell Jacob Friedman...

-Oh, good Lord. Stop.

-...better known as MJF, a very nasty heel...

-He talks about MJF so much.

-...in the AEW stable

was given the privilege of playing Lance Von Erich

in that movie, and it turns out he's not a bad actor.

Would you agree with that? Not a bad actor.

-I thought the whole cast was great.

-The cast was very good. He would also be a good choice.

MJF would be a good choice for "Death Match 2."

-Oh, dear God, no. No, he's a bad choice.

-Darcy is not a fan of MJF, but he's a genius.

Just -- Just his writing skills alone.

-Uh, writing skills?

-His writing -- MJF's writing skills.

-You mean the actual events that happened in his life

that they just portray on TV?

-Oh, yeah, I forgot. No writing in wrestling.

-Exactly. It's all real, man.

-Yeah, sorry.

-Darcy, we love you so much,

and we all want to sing "Happy Birthday"!

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Cha cha cha ♪

-♪ Happy popcorn to you ♪

-♪ Happy birthday, dear Darcy -I don't know what I'm doing.

-♪ Darcy the Mail Girl Whoo hoo!

-♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

-Whoo hoo! Whoo! -Whoo!

-Wait, wait, wait, I think there's something back here.

-Okay, it's loose.

-What's that smell? -Kick it.

-Okay.

-Harder, get it!

-Ouch.

-Okay, let's find an exit.

-Wait, Rusty!

-Enigma.

-I found an exit.

Let's get the hell out of here.

-That's Enigma.

-Nick, he's dead.

They're all dead!

Can we go?

-No, we can't leave Joe.

-Do you have a plan?

What are you going to do, ask them nicely to stop?

-I'm not leaving them.

-I don't know what to say.

I'm not dying here with a pentagram stuck up my ass.

I saw the van.

I think we can make it.

Are you coming?

Suit yourself.

-Rusty!

How did you --

-Kayfabe.

-Damn, that's commitment.

-You know, we're not that different, Joe.

We both gave this company our best years.

We've got nothing to show for it.

-The only difference is that I don't

kill my friends for profit.

You know he's preying on your ignorance,

to make a quick buck?

-There's nothing quick about it.

Everything is calculated.

-Yeah, you always were quite the entrepreneur.

I can't believe I'm asking this.

But do you even believe in Satan?

-Hurts?

Why don't we just rip it off like a band-aid?

You okay?

-Hey, where's the other guy?

-What do you say we re-write this snuff film?

Gasoline.

Let's do some damage.

-Keep your eyes open for Rusty and Miss.

They're on the loose.

-Jesus Christ.

-Quite the opposite.

Now, let's put on a show!

-Hail Satan! Hail Satan!

Hail Satan! Hail Satan!

Hail Satan!

Hail Satan! Hail Satan!

Hail Satan! Hail Satan!

Hail Satan!

-And we're rolling in 3, 2, 1.

-Call me Diablos.

-I don't think so, David.

-Our last match, Joe, that belt should have been mine.

It was my time.

-You keep telling yourself that.

-This looks good.

-It's no Betamax.

But it'll do.

-♪ But they don't give a-- ♪

-What do you want?

Listen, this is sophisticated equipment.

-I can do it.

I'll tell the leader --

I've got him.

-♪ Everyone would know my name ♪

♪ I'd be a legend in my time ♪

♪ You'd be a legend ♪

♪ In your time ♪

♪ But they don't, they don't give awards ♪

-Hail Satan!

Hail Satan!

-With your sacrifice, the Dark Lord shall arise!

-Fire! Fire!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Stay, sit, stay!

Get back here!

The ritual!

-Hey, asshole!

Let him go.

-Nick, go, please.

-You are a fool.

You killed my daughter.

And I let you live!

Let him go.

-Nick!

-I guess I'll have to settle for revenge, then.

-The Dark Lord will rise despite

your pathetic distractions.

Now, see?

This is more appropriate.

A sacrifice is a noble thing.

And you should die like you lived --

like trash.

-You're okay.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

-Dark Lord, take the sacred blade.

Make the final sacrifice.

-Shh.

-You don't have to do this, David.

-David is dead.

And so are you.

Hey.

-I'm glad you came back.

-That's what girlfriends do, right?

-Yeah.

-Let's go.

-I'm fine. I'm fine.

Let's go.

-I told you it'd be a barn-burner.

Come on, get in!

Did they give you the win?

-No, I took it.

-The belt looks good on you.

Let's get going.

-Wind.

-Water.

-Earth.

-Fire.

-Spirit.

-You feel that, right?

Jesus Christ.

-You okay?

-I just hit my head.

-No...fucking...way.

-Nick!

Who dares face me?

-That'd be me!

-♪ Satan is real, working in spirit ♪

♪ You can see him ♪

♪ And get him in this world that we made ♪

♪ Satan is real ♪

♪ Working with power ♪

♪ He can tempt you ♪

♪ And lead you astray ♪

-I attended service at a little church in the country

not long ago.

A prayer was led by an old country preacher who

then raised his hands, as everyone stood and sang,

my God is real.

A warm breeze through the open windows

brought in the smell of new mowed hay in a nearby field.

And the singing of birds could be

heard in the moment of silence as the preacher

opened his Bible to read.

And then a little old man stood up,

bent with age, his hair thin and white,

and said, preacher, tell them that Satan is real, too.

You can hear him in songs that give praise

to idols and sinful things of this world

You can see him in the destruction

of homes torn apart.

I know that Satan is real.

For, once, I had a happy home.

I was loved and respected by my family.

I was looked upon as a leader in my community.

And then, Satan came into my life.

I grew selfish and unneighborly.

My friends turned against me.

And, finally, my home was broken apart.

My children took their paths into a world of sin.

Yes, preacher, it's sweet to know that God is real

and to know that, in Him, all things are possible.

And we know that heaven is a real place

where joy shall never end.

But sinner, friend,

if you're here today, Satan is real, too.

And hell is a real place,

a place of everlasting punishment.

♪ Satan is real, working in spirit ♪

♪ You can see him and hear him ♪

♪ In this world every day ♪

♪ Satan is real, working with power ♪

♪ He can tempt you and lead you astray ♪

Hey, Darcy, it's me, Svengoolie, from MeTV.

And I just wanted to wish you a very happy birthday.

I was hoping to send you a version

of one of your favorite songs yesterday.

♪ One more day till birthday time ♪

♪ Silver shamrock ♪

-Oh, please!

-But I decided just to send you this greeting.

And it's so appropriate that this is a double birthday.

No, I don't mean that you're twice as old.

We're also celebrating the birth of an American tradition

that means so much to all of us in the mutant family --

the drive-in.

Let's raise a Lone Star beer in celebration of the institution

that has brought us so many of our favorite movies,

as well as bad animated promos for the snack bar,

with a hot dog reluctantly jumping into a bun,

and more steamed-up car windows than we can measure.

Here's to the drive-in and to you, Darcy.

I can't wait until the next time

I get to hang out with you and Joe Bob again.

The drive-in will never die,

and neither will our affection for you.

Was that too schmaltzy?

-Yeah.

-Okay. We'll just edit that part out.

-That's a great cake.

But only because you poured Lone Star on it.

-Please. You love vegan cake.

-That's a great choice for the song over the end credits.

"Satan Is Real."

Is it my imagination

or do the end credits get longer and longer?

-It is not your imagination. -All right.

I still have questions about the movie,

but before I get to that, I wanted to mention again

that Karim Hussain does the camera work on this movie.

He's the director of photography,

and he tried to create an '80s feel, and I think he succeeded,

shooting those wrestling scenes with a VHS camera.

And his other notable movie is "Hobo with a Shotgun."

-Nice.

-And then the psycho creepazoid working for the Prophet,

that's Michael Eklund,

a veteran Canadian actor who specializes in bad guys.

All right, Darcy, "Dark Match" is a really good movie.

My main problem with it was that I didn't really engage

with the main characters, Nicky and Joe.

I didn't see enough weakness there

to identify with their pain.

-I disagree.

I love them both, especially her.

She's such a badass and she had that, like, cool,

just amazing attitude.

-Okay, well, we'll see what the mutants think.

Um, another question --

When we're watching these matches,

why does the audience sometimes disappear?

Do you know?

I mean, sometimes it seems like there's no audience.

-Budget, I guess?

-I suggested to Lowell that maybe it's because there's

a, you know, a POV mental camera working.

-Yeah, let's go with that.

All right.

-I know they used a studio in Edmonton,

but I thought maybe it was to put the wrestlers

into that other zone.

And then why does Miss Behave have visions

that send her into a trance?

-Because it's a satanic cult. They do stuff to people.

-And why do they put a brand on Rusty?

-Because it's a satanic cult and they do stuff to people.

-Okay, but here's the biggie.

Why does the Prophet need money selling those snuff tapes?

I kind of asked Lowell, but he didn't really answer.

If he's just trying to evoke a demon and --

-You gotta live while you're evoking demons.

You gotta have a job.

-Why does he care about that match with Joe nine years ago,

since he won the match?

He already won the match.

-He got banned from wrestling. He needs revenge.

-He got banned? -Why are you picking it apart so bad?

-Okay, I missed that part. -He broke kayfabe, man.

-And that's the funniest line in the movie, when Enigma says --

Enigma's only word in the movie is "kayfabe."

-Yes.

-Meaning the public story that can't be violated.

-I feel like that line always gets a laugh.

-You know what would make a good prequel?

They sort of indicate that the Prophet got into Satanism

because he started putting devil worship stuff

into his ring persona.

So you could show that transformation.

You're saying these demonic words every week

to sell tickets, and suddenly Satan says,

"Okay, dude, you called me. I'm here."

-I like it. -So, um, happy birthday again.

Aw!

-It's late now.

I think it's -- it may be after midnight,

so your birthday may be over, but, uh, was it a good birthday?

-It was insane. Thank you.

Thank you so much for this, honestly.

-All right. Do we have any birthday mail?

We do.

There's been a lot of online posting, and thank you for that.

But I think you will like this e-mail that came in from

I'm gonna say Kel Long from Springfield, Missouri.

-Okay.

"Dear Joe Bob, we spoke back in 2020

when I was assigned to write a piece

for the Motion Picture Association

about drive-ins during the pandemic.

I think my editor touted it

as 'Joe Bob declares this the summer of the drive-in'" --

which I did, as drive-ins were open

and all the indoor theaters were closed.

"You know how editors are,

and you took it graciously in stride.

You were so generous with your time

and shared your insights about the movie ratings process.

I filed that away in my memories

as a really cool experience.

Since then, I had a baby and had some dead time

where I was trapped at home

and decided last year to finally pursue my dream

of becoming a playwright.

When I began to seriously reflect

on what I wanted to write about,

I recalled how entertaining our ratings conversation had been,

and I realized there was something really controversial,

unique, and insightful there.

So we are now in rehearsal here in Springfield, Missouri,

for 'Parental Guidance Suggested.'"

This letter is from January.

"I know it's too far to travel,

but I wanted to invite you in spirit

since that conversation lit my artistic flame.

I hope the production grows

and maybe you'll be curious to see it one day.

I'm grateful for your encyclopedic appreciation

of film and your all-American performance

that dives deep but welcomes the masses.

Your brilliance is never lost" --

You hear this, Darcy? My brilliance.

"...is never lost on me..." -Happy birthday, Joe Bob.

"...tucked behind your persona.

We always enjoy our Friday nights watching you.

All the best, Kelly Long, Springfield, Missouri."

Um, okay.

This is very cool because I did follow up on this play.

And thank you, Kelly, for letting me know about it,

because it's a brilliant idea.

It's a play that takes place

at the screenings for the MPAA ratings board,

so obviously it has to be a comedy, right?

And apparently they did workshop it

at the Springfield Little Theatre.

Shout out to the Springfield Little Theatre,

one of several legendary semi-pro theaters in the Midwest

in the little theatre movement.

Um, I talked about that when we did "Carnival of Souls."

The Springfield Little Theatre is in its 91st season.

Anyway, I was not able to attend the workshop,

but I do want to see it

if it ever goes to a premiere somewhere.

And, Kelly, I hope it does, so good luck with that.

And I will see you, Darcy, at Spooky Empire in Orlando,

one of the longest running horror conventions.

Always a good time.

They're having a "Re-Animator" reunion,

weekend of June 20th through 22nd.

So that's it for me, though. Joe Bob Briggs.

Speaking for myself and Darcy the Mail Girl,

when I remind you that when the people running things

seem as loopy as a cross-eyed cowpoke's lariat,

just look up the date of the next election

and make sure they see a lot of rusty pickups

lined up at the polls,

because that's how we fire people in America.

And the drive-in will never die.

Woman goes to a pet shop

and she admires a beautiful parrot,

and the sign on the parrot's cage says $20.

And, "Why so little?" she says to the storekeeper.

The guy says, "Well, this bird used to live in a whorehouse,

and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

And so the woman thinks about it

but decides she wants the bird anyway, so she takes it home.

She hangs the bird cage in the living room,

and the bird looks around the room and says,

"New house, new madam."

So she's a little shocked by the implications,

but then she thinks, well, it's not really that bad.

Her two teenage daughters get home from school,

and the bird says,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

And the girls are a bit offended,

but then everybody laughs about it.

They're considering how and where

the parrot has been raised.

A little later, the woman's husband comes home from work.

Parrot says, "Hi, Keith."

-I'll take it. Thank you.

-♪ We are drive-in mutants -♪ Drive-in mutants -♪ We are not like other people ♪

-♪ Other people ♪

-♪ We are sick -♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting -♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in, yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in... ♪

-♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

-♪ Vomit meter ♪

-♪ We'd be off the scale ♪

-♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We believe in... ♪

-♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in... ♪

-♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in... ♪

Made in Georgia.