Original subtitles

I don't think we should sell. I think we should do the kitchen.

Seriously?

Hello, Mr Magpie. How's the wife and kids?

You and your son had some pretty intense arguments.

You never mention Marcus.

You stitched me up with that Indian kid.

He lied about his confession, and we both know why.

This isn't over.

Whoever died here, I heard they were murdered.

Who knows what goes on behind these doors?

With John and Emma, we know they're not gonna kill us.

'Hmm! It's lovely to see you all getting on so well.'

I'd have thought the tension in there unbearable.

MAGPIE CACKLES

Morning, Mr Magpie.

You gonna ask the builders not to leave any ladders out,

in case you have to walk underneath them?

There are worse things to be than a little bit superstitious.

Like inexplicably refusing to sign a party wall agreement.

What you doing today? Not sure.

What do you get up to all day?

I mean, I know you're looking for work,

but doesn't it get boring, just... not doing much, not seeing anyone?

I see people.

Oh. Who?

Where's all this come from?

I really need to speak to Derek and Barbara.

You're wasting your time. I don't think you'll change their mind.

You mean you hope I don't?

Look, I'm not the enemy.

I thought this whole kitchen thing

was supposed to bring us closer together.

You're right. I'm sorry. I love you, you know.

I know. It's just... It's just what?

Do you really think Derek and Barbara won't budge?

Of course they won't. They're ignorant and intransigent.

Why do you think Marcus left? What do you mean?

He just disappeared. No-one knows what happened to him.

He hated them.

And it was partly because they never listened to him.

How do you know that? He used to tell me.

When? I never saw you with him.

Yeah, Beth. You hardly knew him.

No, you barely know me.

What was that all about? God knows.

She's just a poor, messed-up, lonely kid.

TEXT ALERT

You all right?

Uh, yeah.

It's just Alan.

Wants to know if I wanna go for a pint later.

Do you? Nah.

Not really in the mood. I think you should go.

Maybe I'll text Sonia, see if she fancies a catch-up.

I'm gonna try and talk to Derek.

INTERCOM RINGS

KNOCKING

Derek?

'Derek, Barbara, it's me.

'I just wanna have a chat with you, if that's all right?'

Dad, it's me.

Just wondering if you had any luck with the planning. Give us a call.

Hiya. Hi.

You not working today? Me? Yeah, always.

I'm on my way. We can't all work from home when we fancy it.

Oh, is Sonia off?

She's got a nice afternoon planned, with her feet up.

I mean, don't get me wrong,

I wouldn't wanna be a teacher for all the omelette in Spain.

But with all the strikes, and COVID,

she's had more days off than John, and that's saying something.

HE LAUGHS

Sorry. Erm...

I was joking about John. I know he's had quite...

No, no. I think it's nice that you're going out for a drink later.

I... I think he could do with a moan.

Slow down. I haven't answered him yet.

Answered him? You asked him.

What? He only just text, asking if I fancied a pint.

So, yeah, we might.

But I was with him when you text him.

Must have been his fancy woman.

HE LAUGHS

Sorry. You know, I've gotta stop doing jokes.

Sonia's always telling me. No, no, no, you're fine, it's me.

It's the extension, the builders, the plans, money.

I'm just all over the place. I must have misheard.

Have a good day. Yeah, you, too.

Hey, why don't you ask Sonia if she's free later?

We could all go out. I could do with a drink.

Yeah, sure. Let's do that.

We're gonna have to talk to them sooner or later.

Oh? Why? They're our neighbours.

Oh, don't you see? There's a process.

There are at least two objections to their little scheme so far.

The longer we stall, the more likely they are to change their minds.

They're not gonna change their minds, Derek.

They're gonna build their stupid kitchen,

and they're gonna want to move our tree.

And if they move the tree... Oh, shut up, woman.

Just... Just... get a grip.

Emma. Hi.

Ah. Is this about the petition? Yeah...

I know you think it's trivial and petty,

but having the street filled with cars and vans

with no consideration for the residents,

or for someone who works anti-social hours...

I need to see your camera footage. I beg your pardon?

Erm... It's cos I need just a little bit more evidence.

Evidence of what? For the parking permits.

Oh! I just thought that if I could see the CCTV evidence

of the vehicles in the street,

then I'd be able to make a more informed decision,

and it may help me convince my husband, and Sonia and Alan.

Right, so, you want to borrow my footage,

is that what you're saying?

I want to help.

I just thought that if I could take it home and watch it,

then, if what you say is true -

which I'm sure it is - then I'll sign the petition.

What do you think?

SIGHS

FAINT TAPPING

John?

Beth?

Shit!

SHE EXHALES

MESSAGE ALERT

MESSAGE ALERT

BIRDS CHIRP

ENGINE IDLES

I'm sure it's illegal for him to point that thing over here.

He could see anything.

It is.

But, on the upside, he might see a burglar if one broke in.

Besides, he'd hardly be making a sex tape, would he?

CHUCKLES

Oh, yeah, I saw Emma.

She was wondering if the four of us might go out later.

On a Wednesday? Yeah.

John texted, asking if I fancied a pint.

Did he? Actually, it was a bit odd.

Emma seemed to think I texted John, but it was the other way around.

Right.

Reading between the lines, I think she's a bit suspicious of him.

Suspicious of what?

Well, he sits about all day, doing nothing.

And when I made a joke about him having a fancy woman,

she didn't exactly laugh.

Well, she wouldn't, would she?

I mean, why would you make a joke like that?

Remember when people had a sense of humour?

SHE SIGHS

Anyway, let me know what you think.

About what?

The drinks later. Oh, yeah, sure. OK.

See ya. See ya.

Hi. You up for a beer later? Yeah, yeah.

All right, have a good one. OK. See ya.

Well, it seems to me you knew exactly what you were doing

when you broke into the shop and stole the phones.

That's as may be, but if you don't turn up to your hearing,

they're not gonna look favourably at the case, are they?

OK, fine. I'll see what I can do.

This is Pawel. He'll be helping me.

I don't sub-contract, apart from the electrics.

Well, that's...

Hello, Pawel.

Look... it's just I wasn't expecting you today, Lee.

We still haven't got planning permission,

or the party wall agreement.

Well, we need to work on the assumption

that you're gonna get both, then, don't we?

Well, I'm not sure it's gonna be as easy as my wife thinks.

I mean, what if the planning permission takes longer than...?

Listen.

I've just put a big job back four months for this.

I could lose a lot of money.

So let's just make sure that doesn't happen.

DOORBELL RINGS

John, do you know how long that van's gonna be there?

Not now, Nick. Well, you say that.

You're gonna have a skip, you'll have the van,

you're gonna have lorries delivering steel and God knows...

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

Right, I'm done for now.

I'll be back to start the build as soon as your missus gives us the nod

for the planning and the party wall. Well, I think...

We're gonna have to move your neighbour's fence.

Also, have a word with them about that tree, will you?

It's gonna cause issues where it stands. Thing is, Lee...

This is your payment plan as we move forward.

So, I'm gonna need this first lot

so I can order your steels and concrete.

Also, there's a number on there for a Portaloo company and a skip hire.

We'll need both.

Can you just put it all in an email? DOOR CLOSES

PHONE RINGS

HE SIGHS

'Terry here. Leave a message.'

Dad...

What's happening? I just need to know.

Please. Call me.

You sure this is gonna work?

LEE: 'Have you got the cash?' Yes, I've got the money.

'You can trust me. You know you can.'

Just do what you need to do.

Keep in touch.

Hello?

SIGHS

Right. What have you been up to?

Hi. Pornhub?

Very funny. No, it's a case file. It's boring.

Where were you? I shouted for you. I was in the garden.

What were you doing in the garden?

Thinking. Thinking about what?

When did you speak to your dad? Sorry?

He left a message for you on the answer machine downstairs.

Said he needed to see you, said he had an answer.

What's going on? SHE SIGHS

I don't know why he would call the landline.

Er... So that I would hear it,

so that we could have a fight, like we're just about to?

God's sake, John, just grow up. Grow up?

He fleeced us, Emma - your own dad! Look, he's my da...

You told me that you two weren't speaking!

I thought we had an agreement.

Emma! He's my father.

I can't stop him from calling me.

What's all this stuff about him having an answer, then?

An answer for what?

What aren't you telling me?

I could ask you the same thing. What's that supposed to mean?

Have you asked him for money? No, of course not.

I don't want a penny of his filthy cash.

Not even the stuff he still owes us. Well, neither do I.

So, what do you want from him, then? It can't be his love.

That river ran dry years ago. Oh, Jesus!

And the builder's payment breakdown

is pretty bloody punchy, so that would make sense.

He's my dad, for God's sake!

Yeah, well, he's not mine, thank God.

TENSE EXHALE

'Terry here. Leave a message.'

Yeah, Dad? We need to meet.

Emma, what's this? What?

Well, it's the street group chat.

Nick's just posted that you've signed his petition

for the parking permits. Has he?

Why would you do that? I haven't.

I said I'd have a think about it. Well, why would he say that?

And why didn't you tell me that Lee was coming round today?

Because I didn't know he was.

And anyway, your phone's been switched off.

Oh, well, you know, I must have been charging it or something.

SHE SIGHS Listen. Lee, he wants to get going.

He's rushing us. We haven't even got planning.

Emma, this whole thing's becoming a bit of a nightmare.

I'm worried that... John, what is wrong with you?

You never used to be this stressed and anxious. What...?

Well, I don't... I don't know.

I'm... I'm just...

HE SIGHS What?

I suppose, since I quit my job...

I mean, maybe I shouldn't have left. But I hated it.

I couldn't... I couldn't handle the stress.

I just feel so... John, it's gonna be fine.

You have to trust me. If we don't have that, what have we got?

Just... find out about those drinks tonight.

KNOCKING

Alan?

SHE SIGHS

SHE SIGHS

'Hi, leave a message.'

Alan, it's me. What time are you back?

Let me know if you wanna do this drink later.

Biscuit?

Ts-ts-ts-tss! Where did you go?

MAGPIE CACKLES

Ts-ts-ts-tss! Biscuit!

All right, Biscuit, I don't need you that badly.

Playing hard to get?

Oh, hi. What are you doing out here?

Just looking at my house.

Thinking. About the extension?

Yeah.

Among other things.

I was surprised. Me, too.

Is this what you want?

HE SIGHS

Is it?

WINGS FLAP

Emma would say something now. What do you think she would say?

See you tonight. Tonight?

Drinks, remember?

Do you do all your meetings in the park now?

Well, they can't bug you out here.

Why does that not feel like a joke?

Come on. Who do you think I am?

A property developer who'll go to any lengths to make a profit,

regardless of the law, since you ask.

And one day, it could all be yours.

No, thanks. I'm one of the good guys.

Sure, till it comes to planning applications.

You said you had an answer? Yeah, yeah.

I'm really fine, and thank you for asking (!)

Oh, come on, Dad. Don't play the happy family card with me.

Well, you ask me a big favour, then you tell me I'm a bad father.

I didn't say you were a bad father - you did.

Ah, right. You got my message, then, yeah.

Couldn't get through on your mobile.

Yeah, that was a dick move, and you know it.

You knew John would hear that. Well, I can't call you?

You know what I'm talking about.

I like him... No, please, let's not do this.

I mean, he's not exactly the man

I'd hoped that my only child would finish up with, but...

OK, so, what kind of man would suffice?

Because after all, Dad, I am here to make you happy (!)

He can't hold down a job,

and he makes his wife go out to earn a crust.

It's not the 1970s.

He doesn't send me out to work. I love my job.

God, no wonder Mam left you. I miss your mum.

SHE SIGHS She misses you.

Does she? No.

She literally moved to Australia, that's how much she misses you.

Right. Well, she left us both.

So, do you want the good news or the bad news?

For God's sake, please, just tell me.

Well, the good news is you got your planning.

Really? Really? Oh, thank you! Thank you.

Here, hang on. You haven't heard the bad news.

What?

I'm afraid you're gonna have to do the extension,

and it's gonna be a bloody nightmare.

Shut up. So, how do I thank you?

Your old man can't do you a favour?

Not for free, no.

Nice (!)

Give Beth a kiss for me.

Listen, s-sorry, sorry, Dad. I shouldn't have said that.

Send John my best.

They wrote to us.

The surveyors, they sent us an email.

Oh, I didn't get an email.

They made the party wall award. OK, well, I haven't...

They've ignored our concerns - the light.

They said we have to let you do as you asked.

They said we have to let you move our fence one metre

while you dig your foundations, while you build your wall.

They said we have no choice in the matter.

I can't believe this is happening to us,

that you're doing this to us.

Barbara, I'm not doing this to upset you, really.

Upset us? Upset us?! You... You have no idea.

Just help me understand this, because I'm really struggling here.

Why is this such a big deal? It's just a kitchen extension.

We'll keep fighting the planning. And trust me, we have a case.

Well, that's the other thing. Planning's gone through.

You're not moving our tree. Do you hear me?

Why? Have you got something to hide?

We'll do what we have to do, Derek. Over my dead body.

Barbara!

You look nice. Thanks.

Maybe I should get changed. No, you look fine.

We're only going to the pub.

Well, it's very nice of you to make such an effort for Alan.

Funny.

Has it ever occurred to you that I try and make an effort for you?

So, it looks like Lee can start on Monday.

Are you OK with that? What about the planning?

We got it. Oh, right.

Monday's great, if that's what works best.

You're OK with it?

Emma, it's your money.

It's our money. We're married, remember?

Promise me one thing. Sure.

Your dad has nothing to do with it.

Yeah, of course.

Great. Let's go and celebrate.

John, what do you think of me?

Where did that come from? I don't know.

It's just been ages since we've been out together.

I can barely get you to agree to a takeaway these days,

let alone a night out at the pub.

We went to Sonia and Alan's the other night.

Yeah, Sonia's. And Alan.

Emma, what's wrong? I don't know.

I just think maybe we should see other people.

Other people?

Oh, you mean other... CHUCKLING: You mean other friends.

Why? What did you...?

Oh, God, why would I suggest that?

I don't know. Yeah, it's not exactly you, is it?

Are you ready?

Alan?

Alan? MAGPIE CACKLES

Coming, my love.

Bastards.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Ah! Thanks for this.

Not at all. I won't be needing it.

And I won't be needing parking permits, but best of luck.

Oh, and not only have I not signed your petition,

despite what you've told the rest of the street,

I won't be signing your petition. You said you would.

I said I'd think about it, and I've thought about it.

Nick, we're gonna be needing builders, cranes, skips,

concrete pourers, plumbers, electricians, portable toilets,

and that's before we've even thought about the decorating.

So, it's not gonna work for us. Well, here's news.

You've gotta get past planning first.

Oh, yeah, about that,

the planning's gone through, so that's that.

Oh, and can you move your camera away from looking at our house?

I'm a lawyer. It invades our privacy.

Shame! Makes interesting viewing. HE CHUCKLES

We'll just have to see what the rest of the street make of it.

What was that about? No idea.

But you... you... you never understood what was going on.

You're a fool. I'm not a fool, Derek. Please, stop!

That's why he isn't here. It's your fault.

Oh, don't say that. You can't say that!

Now these people, they're gonna ruin everything.

Everything.

Well, they'll have to kill me first!

Excuse me. Are you Beth?

I mean, who has CCTV in a bloody cul-de-sac, anyway?

The man's paranoid.

As for the parking permits, he can go and stick 'em.

That's what I said to him.

I think he just thought that because I said

I'd look at his petition, he just presumed I'd be on board, the idiot.

I can't stand the man. Yeah, me neither.

He reminds me of my dad and his mates when we were kids.

One summer, they set up a Neighbourhood Watch,

and then spent every evening getting together

and watching movies, like, er, Magnificent Seven,

and winding themselves up.

LAUGHING: No way! No, it's true.

And then, all revved up,

they'd go out hunting for vagabonds and villains,

armed with golf clubs and air pistols.

You're making that up. No, seriously!

And what happened? Well, nothing. They never found anyone.

Apart from one time, they came across some poor teenager

who was trying to have a quiet spliff,

and they hassled him so much, he gave them all his weed,

and then they spent the rest of the summer completely stoned!

SHE LAUGHS

The amount of times I've heard that story.

Oh, it's hilarious. It's bullshit.

Alan! Well, it's not true, is it, John?

It's one of your... embellishments. It didn't happen.

Well, it's not a big deal. I just like the truth.

Oh, come on, John, you're a great guy,

but you do love to exaggerate, and you like an audience.

It's not a bad thing. I mean, they're pretty good stories.

I'm just gonna go to the loo.

I'll get some more drinks in.

What's that about? Ugh. God knows.

Just seems like there's something going on between them.

Like what? I don't know.

It's just... when men talk to each other like that,

there's usually something deeper going on.

And how do women handle it?

Well, I'd like to think we could tell each other the truth.

The truth. Although in my job, I have come to realise

that people only ever tell you what they need you to hear.

Truth is very overrated in my game.

Yeah, I guess it must be.

I suppose, when you think about it, is it really even that important?

Well, what else have we got?

Are you serious?

CHUCKLES

Cheers.

Cheers.

GRUNT OF DISGUST Ugh!

COUGHS Oh, my God.

Go on, Andi, your turn. If you say so. You're the boss.

Ugh! BETH CHUCKLES

Another one? Mm-hm.

PC GALLAGHER CHUCKLES

Cheers.

Hey, John. I was just taking the piss before, yeah?

No hard feelings.

I mean, it's true - you do like to exaggerate.

What the fuck is wrong with you? With me?

Yeah, why would you say all that? I thought we were mates.

So did I.

You need to lighten up.

ALAN CHUCKLES Now, let's get drunk.

I'll tell you what,

we are gonna have a huge party when this thing's done.

You'll have no money left to throw one.

Yeah, that's without the extra cost in parking permits.

Oh, I'm just so relieved we're not moving any more.

You all right, mate?

I'm sorry about what happened earlier.

You know, I think I'd really miss everyone.

Apart from him.

LAUGHTER ON FILM

I've got an idea. Come on. Let's give Nick a little surprise.

Really? Come on!

We gonna do this? Yeah, yeah, let's go for it.

One... two... THEY GIGGLE

..three!

ALL WHOOP AND LAUGH

Yep!

LAUGHTER ON FILM

'Enjoy, Nicholas!'

ALAN LAUGHS

Good night, in the end. No thanks to you.

What was all that about with John? It was nothing.

You know, it was just banter. I was calling him out, that's all.

But why? He's a friend.

Isn't that what friends do?

Besides, why do you care?

HE SCOFFS

Why do you think Alan was a bit weird with you earlier?

He's just being a dick. You know what he's like.

I don't know. Just seemed like he wanted to say something.

It's fine. Don't worry about it. I'm not.

PHONE BUZZES

Ah.

I'm just gonna go and see if Beth's back.

So, I was right - you do want something.

We should meet, talk face-to-face.

I knew it. I knew it was too good to be true.

'It's not for me. It's for the guy who sorted the planning.'

Emma?

I'll call you tomorrow, and it better be kosher.

Emma, you heard from Beth? She's not in.

No, she's probably just out with her mates.

What are you doing out here anyway?

John... what's that?

What is that on the back?

"One for sorrow."