Original subtitles

Hello, and welcome to Miss Major Incident Simulation

Scenario. All NHS staff both dread and fear a so -called major incident.

They can occur at any time and take many forms.

A depressed farmer puts a mouth bonfire, gets out of control.

A meltdown in a shoddy French -built nuclear reactor. Or even the after

of the dreaded Millennium Bug.

This training day is designed to help you deal with these nightmare scenarios.

It will sharpen your vital core skills by using highly trained professional

actors in the role of seriously injured patients.

Let's all make a hit out of this.

Thank you, Jane.

You should all have been issued a hard hat and different coloured tabards.

Please put them on.

Now.

Today, we shall be honing your key core skills.

Hey, tabards! You're cheating.

I've been free now.

I'm sorry, but I really think the doctors should be setting a better

here. Or maybe they think that this is a waste of everybody's time.

Seems likely, sir.

This is traditionally seen as a day off throughout the NHS, like May Day, or

that thing they do in France where they throw a horse off the Eiffel Tower.

I don't think they actually do that. You, porters, orange tabards, I have a

vital job for you.

Super exciting.

I just want to say that I'm 123 % committed to this.

Are you? Yeah, big time. Yeah, very much so. In fact, I was hoping to have some

sort of support service leadership role.

I am proficient in two -way radio. I know the phonetic alphabet. I'll give

an example. Alpha. Another example.

Bravo.

Charles.

Delta.

Echo coming right at you.

Fuck.

It's Foxtrot, not fuck. No, I know it's Foxtrot. I'm saying fuck. I love

Foxtrot. Foxtrot, golf, hotel, motel, holiday. Shut up.

I need you porters. Porters!

I need you to look after the actors.

Make them tea or find them whiskey if they're functioning alcoholics. They are

all vital to making myth a hit.

Concur.

Vital role.

You're not wearing your tabard.

You're not wearing yours.

Doesn't match my eyes. Also, I'm not a complete muppet.

Look, there's something I really need to do.

Can you cover for me? You want me to lie on your behalf and risk being complicit

in a deception that would put my own career on the line?

Kind of. Absolutely no problem at all.

This is the aeropath. The actors are here, over.

Do you know, I always fancied it.

The life of a thespian.

Treading the ball, do you know? Smell of the grease paint.

What's up, sir?

The life of me, acting?

That's never going to happen.

I'm not exactly wild and material, am I?

Okay, let's get this show on the road.

I am on the actor's vehicle. Repeat, I am coach positive, over. You the

blake fox yes i'm simon anthony de la mer do i recognize you from something

probably ultimate death force parts one to three no documentary work spiders

versus sharks no fucking loved it then no you don't oh um yes the um

The ethereal advert.

Yes, the ethereal advert for nuts and raisins. It was on when I was a kid and

loved it. We were dressed as a massive squirrel.

And you were like, oh, hello.

It wasn't me, mate.

It

weren't

fucking me.

All right.

Okay, if you're an actor, please follow me.

Oi! I said no cans on the minibus! What, are you deaf as well as fucking stupid?

Where is it, eh?

Eh! Where is it?

Fuckers, I said no cans!

Big problem cans, are they, in the coach business? Can killed my father.

Backseat cunt dropped it, it rolled right down the aisle. Got stuck under

brake pedal just as he was approaching a busy junction.

Oh, he never... Never said a chance.

Okay.

Super, that's everyone off. You.

I'm gonna go.

Yeah. Are you gonna be okay waiting here? I'll be fine.

Got me tissues.

I'll just stay and masturbate.

Ow! Oh, it's very realistic, isn't it? Has to be.

This is a method group.

You've heard of the method.

Honesty? No.

Honesty is what real acting's all about.

No -one's pretending here.

Every single person in this acting squad's living this experience for real.

Even though it's just make -up and that? First of all, this isn't make -up. I'm

not your pretty little sister.

This is state -of -the -art prosthetics.

Second of all, inside...

In here, this scenario is as real as if you just impaled me on a gear stick.

That's the method, right?

No bullshit.

I'm going to go and sort out something vital.

Yeah.

Oh.

Christ! What are you doing? Got me a part, mate.

Although, to be honest, I just joined the line and kept me trap shut.

Check it out. Facial gash, traumatic hernia, and I've dislocated my

clavicle. Porter, come in.

Porter, come in. Hi.

Porter, come in.

There you are. You're not answering your radio.

You haven't been calling me. This is Juliet Bravo Control over.

Fixed it. Well done.

Are the casualties ready?

I think they're just about ready, yes.

Okay. I want 100 % commitment from the moment we start.

Okay?

You all know my rule.

Once we start, no one breaks character until we're back on the bus.

Okay? Yes, sir!

Okay. Let's break a leg.

Miss is a go. I repeat, miss is a go. Over. Thank you. Over.

There's been a major RTC coincidentally in the hospital car park. Now let's

remember our allotted role. Go.

Go!

Go!

I've got it! I've got it!

Mother! I can see the light!

Hi.

I'm here for the interview.

The security jobs are on the lower ground? No, no.

Francesca Flynn.

They'll call you.

Bang.

Porter! I need you here now!

I can help you there. Oh, no, nothing.

I was adding some drama.

How was that? I could do it again.

Doc, on the level, how bad is it?

Oh, well, on a scale of one to ten, I'd say it's a high nine.

Nine point five.

Nine point nine. Nine point nine.

For convenience sake, round it up to ten.

I am scared, Doc.

I am scared of dying.

Under the circumstances, I'd say that was a plus.

I know you from somewhere.

No, no, no, I don't think you do. I've got it.

Mr. Squirrel.

Oh, man, I used to love that advert.

Oh, I want your nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts. Bad story, bad story. I want your nuts,

nuts, nuts, nuts. I'm sorry, Doc.

I'm just an ordinary guy with a wife.

Emily.

Attractive. Mid -thirties.

Two kids.

Thomas, eight. Rebecca, six.

Wondering where their dad is. We've got to help him. He's got children. They

need the father.

Okay, this is what is technically known as a casualty kebab.

Okay, and how would you deal with this really, in the real world, I mean? Oh,

real world?

Oh, that would be completely different. Yeah. Oh, he wouldn't be talking. He'd

be screaming in agony. Unless his lungs were impelled, in which case he'd just

be going... A bit lower.

Yeah.

But the most important thing to remember with the kebabbing, you never pull out

the spike.

Never? Never.

Never? No, otherwise your patient would...

Instantly bleed to death. Well, not instantly, but, you know, in 30 seconds,

seconds, a minute tops.

It's bad. It's really bad.

Em, you should really be wearing a hard hat.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know, but I've got an important medical reason why I can't,

so... What is it?

Well, basically, it's for nurses, softies and big jessies, yeah?

I've had a tip.

I'm going to go and see if anyone else needs some simulated portrait help.

Yeah, yeah.

So, your results are very, very good.

And yet I can see from your CV that you've been working as a hospital porter

nearly four years.

Yeah, well, my mum got sick, so I had to take care of her. I had to get the

money coming in, so I put uni on hold.

Not that I'm looking for sympathy.

Oh, you won't get any of that here. We're doctors.

And how is your mother now?

She died.

It's fine.

You move on.

So what makes you want to be a doctor?

Do you need a hand?

I think I'm paralyzed.

I can help at all.

Dr. Bartholomew, this is perfect. Brilliant.

Can I help you at all, Dr. Bartholomew?

Please, please. I made that too.

Oh, it's a biscuit.

That's probably if I'm just covering some teeth for people. Do you want

anything? Maybe just a...

Bowl of nuts.

So I hate you! Watch out!

For some reason, I wasn't wearing a hard hat.

If you hadn't been for his ridiculous childhood, he'd be dead already.

All right, urgent scan.

Intensive care, okay?

Yes, Mr. Brodie.

Do you think he's an organ donor?

I don't know.

Why?

No reason.

So what you're saying is you know a sick person when you see one?

Yeah, I suppose so.

Wish my damn juniors did. It's all touchy -feely now.

Know everything there is to learn about death except what causes it.

I'm not touchy -feely at all. I mean, I want to help people.

They just need fixing, right? So they can get back to doing what matters to

them. Simple.

OK. Miss Flynn, let's see what you're made of.

Tell me about coronary heart disease.

Oh, well, it's still the most common cause of death in this country, despite

smoking rates dropping annually. Blood pressure remains a major risk factor,

there's a cholesterol debate.

Will he be OK?

What does the scan show?

Um... Did you ever get to the bottom of that organ donor thing?

No. Why?

No reason.

Hi, mate.

I know we don't know each other all that well.

If you go coma on us now, I'm going to do the same thing I did for little

The whole just give him thing. Big push for a cure. I promise.

But in return... I'm going to need to take your locker, yeah?

If that's OK with you, just lie there and go beep, yeah?

Okay, got it.

Magic, understood, mate.

Hello?

Frankie?

Best out of three?

Nine.

Bogus. Oh, no!

Nine?

I'm the angel of death.

No. Yeah.

So this is it?

I'm dead. I'm too young.

I've got so much left I want to do. My career?

First, second, and or third base with Lucy?

I'm in the middle of a box set.

Relax.

You're not dead now.

But when the time is right, you will be.

Wait, so what am I doing here?

This is the land between life and death.

Okay. You're here because I have to warn you.

You're wasting your life.

I could take you out like this, but I decided to let you live. Don't squander

gift. Oh, so this is like a sort of car pay DM vibe.

Nice.

Exactly. Now go walk back into the light.

Really? I don't think that's... I think you're supposed to walk away from the

light. You got it backwards.

Go to the light and you will shuffle back to your mortal coil.

I don't want to tell you I have to do your job.

I think the other light is bad.

No, it's good.

David Bowie?

He made it back, didn't he?

No. What about George, the lamb guy?

Wake me up before you go -go.

He went when?

Remember the plane crash with Nigel Farage?

Boom. He's very much still with us.

Right.

Okay.

Fine, Jordan.

God is going to do this fucking nut.

Okay. Good work, man. Mission accomplished.

Yes, Blake.

Dead scene. Right.

Cast time.

Oh. Next scene.

Albertine. Yes. Oh.

Thank you very much. If you'd like to wait outside with the others.

Sure.

Big

tick for

me.

I already have the champagne on ice.

Shh, people, please.

Yes?

If this is some kind of prank, because I take a very dim view of... Oh, the

actors.

Okay.

There's been a real crash.

This is not a drill, I repeat, not a drill. Everyone down to the car park,

I need eight minutes of own egg now.

Well, Anthony, let me help you.

No, I'm fine. This is just prosthetics. Look.

Oh, crap.

Shit.

I've got a horrible feeling that somehow this is all my fault.

It's no one's fault.

I mean, you can't blame yourself for a terrible accident like this. Can I get

some help over here, please?

Poor character. He just got a can of Carly.

Um, I'm just going to, um, I'm going to go and get changed.

Miss Jones?

Miss Flew?

Step back in the room, please.

The rest of you can go.

Have you seen Miss Flynn?

I think she left.

Where is everyone?

Hello?

Lucy?

Oh, hey.

There you all are. Hello, everyone.

Has anyone seen Anthony? Has anyone seen Anthony anywhere?

Apologies, prosthetics. Sorry, the still.

Oh, wow.

Very realistic. I love it. Yeah, good job.

God, look at you.

Good work.

He's the best one.

Up your game.

You're all very good, though.

Don't be rude.

Watcher.

How'd it go?

How'd what go?

The interview.

Saw the application form in your locker. What are you doing in my locker?

I was hungry. Well?

I don't know.

I didn't go.

Well, it's not for me, is it?

I just walked around a bit, went to Nando's and came back. Don't tell

Who would I tell?

Exactly. No, to be honest with you, I always thought you was wasted in this

place, Francesca.

Clearly smarter than your average bell.

Yeah, maybe.

Come on, we need to go.

There's been a major incident involving actors which may or may not be my fault.

Oh, and Simon's in a coma.

Oh, hi.

I'm just looking for my friends. I've had a bump on my head.

Help me.

Please help me.

Sorry, I've done encouraging.

Sorry. Sorry. Apologies. No, it's over.

I just need some help, please.

Oh, you're prosthetic.

Okay, yeah, I'll just... Oh, my God, that's stuck in there, isn't it? Oh, my

days.

Give it a... Is that super glue?

This is super glue. It's super glue, isn't it? Okay, I'm trying to get some

better purchase.

Pop up in there.

Once more into the breach. And on screen.

Simon, no!

No!

Oh, my God!

Stop it. We need to call someone.

They're all in fear. Just stop. Go on.

For some impossible -to -prove reason, the bus crashed for real.

It's mental, right? I mean, what chance is it to get Bartholomew or get Pradeep?

Fucking Mackenzie, anyone? It's no good. They're all operating.

No one's going to come in time. What do we do?

Okay, okay.

Fluids and blood. Now, direct pressure on the wound.

Listen, stay away from the light, no matter what anyone in a cloak has, OK?

Rapid opiate, but that's his only chance. Call theatre and tell them Dr

needs one urgently.

OK, roger that.

Who's Dr Flynn? Don't worry about it. Just tell them, OK?

I'm gone, buddy.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm going to help you. Just hang on.

I can see the light.

It's bright.

So bright.

That's the fucking light I was talking about.

I'm going to die like a man, Si.

I'm going to do it for real.

Wow. So this is what it's like.

Didn't imagine it'd be like this.

I'm going, my friend.

This is it, the big one. No, no one's going to die today. Nobody, okay?

Especially if I can be credibly blamed for it.

It was me.

I was the squirrel.

I'll admit it, I'm not ashamed.

The roof on my head, food on the table. There's no point in lying anymore.

It was me.

I know.

I YouTubed it. Oh, you can't. Sorry.

This is it.

Tell Emily I love her.

Tell the kids to look after my girl, yeah?

Don't feel bad about me, Si.

I've seen things.

Wonderful things that you couldn't even imagine.

I've seen Muntjac deer that killed a man.

Taupe sharks swimming off the coast of Torquay.

Now all that is lost.

Like tears in the...

Who pulled out the spike?

Was it you?

Was it you?

It was me, sorry.

I can confirm that. We did our best. Is he dead?

Yes.

I'm sorry. He's dead.

Oh, nuts.

It's too soon.

Mama.

It was an accident. We all know that.

But that's still for responsible, doesn't it?

We all did our best.

Really. I checked out the pathology report.

The gear stick was lodged in his left ventricle. There was literally nothing

anyone could have done, even Pradeep. He was dying anyway.

You just pressed the accelerator.

Yeah, I wanted to become a doctor so I could save people's lives and so that I

could accelerate them towards death.

Really? Or did you just want people to look up to you and blow smoke up your

arse?

Mate, it's a lot of responsibility anyway.

Life and death shit.

Nah, we're best off out of it.

Where?

Yeah.

I went to an interview today for medical school.

Did you shut the front door?

Mm, true. I was Anthony. He covered for me.

That's not strictly true.

You know what happened?

I got in.

Wow.

Great, congratulations. I mean, I assume I got in, I always do.

Anyway, it doesn't really matter, you've got enough on your plate. You turned

down medical school?

Maybe one day I'll go.

Actually, go through with it, I don't know.

You're scared.

You're never scared.

You know, um, uh, Beth Tillman told me that we should face our fears.

Maybe.

Anyway, we've got to go.

Antony wants to say a proper goodbye to Blake.

We should all see it one last time.

I want your nuts, nuts, nuts.

I want your nuts, nuts, nuts.

I want your nuts, nuts, nuts.

I want your nuts.

It's what you would have wanted.

That's it, I think that's true.

Yeah, we've seen enough.

Yeah. Are you ready?

Come on.

As an ordained lay preacher, I'd like to say a few words.

Blake Fox.

Actor.

You died as you lived.

Refusing to compromise.

Keeping it real.

Total commitment.

Respect.

Long ago, high on a mountain in Mexico, lived a young shepherd boy,

Angelo.

Met a young girl and he loved her so.

Amen.

Okay,

my shot, I think.

So you actually caught a glimpse of the afterlife.

What was it like?

I'm at death, sorry.

Oh, and?

He told me I shouldn't waste my life.

Sound advice, Si.

Get busy living or get busy dying. You never know when that hammer will fall.

Get in the hole!

Straight down the middle. So you think I'm wasting my life, is that? Well,

No way.

You were born to this, Si. Cut you open, it says hospital portal right through

you like a stick of rock.

Course others are not so lucky.

Ah, it's your shot.

Try not to kill anyone again.

Every thousand years.

Someone hits a shot that defies logic and gravity.

A shot that never falls to Earth.

One day, that shot could be yours.

Believe in yourself.

High five.

High five.

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

Stay crazy, my friend.

Otherwise, you'll... Go and see.

And don't forget, you can watch the whole series of Porters with our on

service, UKTV Play.

While next up, it's what I like to hear.