Original subtitles

Simon, you truly are the greatest surgeon this hospital has ever seen. I

I have to be, otherwise this small child will die horribly.

Scalpel!

I'm so proud of you, son.

Mum! You're not meant to be here. You're making this fantasy really Freudian.

Come. There you go, love.

Simon!

I can't sleep here.

I've got a code 212 with a porter over.

If you have to be homeless, be homeless.

At home.

I'm not living here, I promise.

Then why are you wearing your pyjamas?

These aren't pyjamas. They're the new porter's uniform.

I won't have you treating this place like a squat.

And that's it, Harry.

It's why us wizards love owls.

The end.

And now, for a little movie. We have reached the dizzy heights of the fast

the furious numero seven.

As usual, I will provide live description.

An expensive car is driving fast through LA.

It's a Ferrari.

Oh! No, correction.

It's the Lambo.

There's a corner.

It's kidding.

Four -wheel drift.

Four -wheel fucking drift!

I wish I'd been in a coma for 22 years.

Think how much money I would have saved on bills.

Comas are shit.

Everyone knows that.

And you really visited her every day?

We about fell, Francesca. Well, apart from weekends, obviously.

And Christmas, spank holidays, couple of weeks in summer. And 2012, I just got

sick of it.

Yeah, we've mostly been doing culture.

Opera, literature, avant -garde cinema.

Don't take this the wrong way, but why?

It's a good question. Just something about her plight, it touched me.

Like Bob Geldof and them hungry Ethiopians. She spoke to me.

Metaphorically, obviously.

Your time is now, Penny.

Medical technology has finally found a way to wake you from your slumber.

Today it's do or die.

And we're all hoping it's the first one.

There.

Sperm. Who'd do that?

Sold about seven pints worth last year. Nice little earner.

always been a keen amateur, so it made sense to turn professional.

You smell like a zookeeper's boot.

Yeah, because I've had to move out of my mum's house because she's got a new...

boyfriend.

Mum?

I need a drink of water.

I've left Mum's blinds go low here. It's a break. It's dry.

Okay, well, I'd better get back to you.

Have a nice day at work, love.

You should move in with me.

You'd honestly have me? She'd have your rent money. 60 quid a week.

I can almost afford that. Well, you can't spell reasonable without an M and

E.

I'll show you around at lunch.

Love you, Penny.

Good luck, sis.

Who needs luck when you've got me?

Hey. Yes, Pradeep. Hey, man.

Oh, hey.

You're the best. I know.

There's no doctor more groundbreaking than me. Not even Dr. Drake. He's the

shit. Knock him dead, Dr. Pradeep.

Oh, bad choice of words, man.

Sorry.

I'm going to come out of this. Phew. Yeah, yeah.

This is going to be like when the handsome prince wakes up to Snow White.

And instead of kissing her, I'll be using groundbreaking new deep brain

stimulation.

And instead of seven towards, there'll be a seven percent chance you'll wake up

as a vegetable.

I thought you said nothing could go wrong.

That's the turn of phrase that we doctors use to reassure people.

I mean, obviously something could go wrong.

Well, she could wake up as a vegetable.

Seven percent, which is the same as nothing. Are we doing this or what?

Good luck, Penn.

This place is pretty damn all right.

You'll have to contribute to the electricity bill.

Yeah, sure.

And internet costs.

That's no problem.

And there's charges for cleaning, the phone, gas, food shop, hot water, cold

water, and it's extra if you want to use the bathroom.

You're like a human Ryanair.

I don't think I can afford all those extra charges.

Oh, it's nice though, innit?

Do you need a credit card?

Yeah, just tap it on my arse like it's contactless. Of course I don't pay card.

You can pay cash.

I can get the money.

I think a freaking lovely flat.

You do this, or you live forever.

It's creaking.

No, no, no, no, no.

Hi, I'm here to make a donation.

Oh, God.

Simon.

No. Simon, are you here to donate your sperm? Oh, that's so wonderful.

What are you doing here?

Oh, fertility work is my passion, Simon. I'm writing about sperm for my thesis.

Stop saying that.

Sperm? Sperm? Yes.

Waking girls up from coma Waking girls up from coma

We've seen something by now You need patience

To save patients, also drugs.

Okay, Snow White.

You won't feel a thing.

How are you?

How are you, Chloe?

Come to Dopey.

Shit.

Four -wheel drift.

Four -wheel fucking drift.

Okay,

let's see just how desirable your DNA is.

Height. Oh, I'm actually quite tall.

I'm six foot two.

Oh, fine.

Is that the right answer? No, no, right or wrong answer.

No, I'm not sure.

Do you have a degree?

Well, actually in between semesters right now.

What sport are you into?

I love sport.

Darts. Darts.

Pool.

Maker. It's pub sports, really.

I'll do very well here, am I?

Let's take you to the masturbatorium.

I need you to masturbate as much as you can into this tiny little cup.

We have a collection of DVDs.

Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, metrosexual, BDSM, S &M, pony

play, CBT, PTSD, Finding Nemo. Finding Nemo? Okay.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I won't need any of those.

I'll just be the other side of the door if you need me. Please don't wait on the

other side of the door. Don't be shy about masturbation, Simon. Everyone

masturbates. Please stop talking. The M word's even worse than the S word.

Simon, if God hadn't wanted us to masturbate, he would have given us tiny

like a T -Rex. Like this.

See?

Yeah,

yeah, yeah. Go, go away.

You've been in a very deep sleep.

But you're okay now due to me being fantastic.

You're not 12 anymore. You're 34.

Your lovely parents are here.

Oh, no.

Apparently only your dad is here.

No mum.

Sorry.

It's so great to see you awake.

I've been coming to visit every day.

Oh, this is magic.

Pure magic.

But, Hagrid, we're not allowed to do magic away from Hogwarts.

You must not be there.

A little while. It's quite normal when awakening a patient. I'm not concerned.

I'll have a vowel, please, Rachel.

All right. All right, I admit it.

I may have entertained Pam from time to time and she may have soaked a bit of

that up, but I swear down, it was pure classy shit like plays and poems.

Which is probably a bonafide fucking Sleeping Beauty genius by now.

Don't compare!

Don't compare!

I can't do this.

I'll come back in ten minutes.

I don't think you realise how dear it is.

My reputation's at stake. Relax, Doc. It's no biggie. She just needs a little

gentle reprogramming. Yeah, it's just a culture shock thing, isn't it? She just

needs to figure out where she is and exactly who she is.

He's here. He's there. He's everywhere.

Doc Pradeep.

Doc Pradeep.

Or I'll put you in a coma.

Using a sperm donor to get pregnant should really have no stigma attached.

a very popular option these days.

It's sperm count was so low, we stopped to cook out them all on one ounce.

One ounce.

We've been trying to get around it by bonking like rabbits.

Well, the more you try, the better your odds, right?

Oh, yeah.

Still, though, I can't bun her oven.

Doesn't matter what position we try.

And we tried them all. Twice. Yeah, bloody knackered.

Well, let's try and figure out what DNA you're after.

So what would be the ideal height for your sperm donor?

Um, quite tall, really.

About six foot two, if possible.

And we want someone really intelligent.

Yeah, intelligent, but not so smart as they grow up to be some fussy old

buffing. Like smart enough to go to university, but maybe not actually smart

enough to graduate.

And I would like someone quite sporty.

Oh, yes.

See, my family are very into sports.

Darts, pool, snooker.

Yes.

Do you know what?

I think I have just the right donor for you.

A spam, Simon?

Give me a spam.

I can't. Why not?

Because. Simon, give me your spam.

Oh, God, can we please never talk about this ever again?

It seems unlikely.

But isn't it exciting to think of all of the mini -Simons that could

be born?

Because of your spam.

Fuck!

I worry I may have inadvertently caused some of this. I'm genuinely amazed.

I never knew you had a conscience.

I don't. That's why I did so well on the uranium trade in the 90s. What exactly

did you fill her head with?

I told you, culture.

Started off with the posh stuff, you know?

Symphonies, Beethoven, art.

But to be honest, it's all total shit, really, really fucking dull.

So I decided she needed to graduate.

To what exactly?

Well, more grown -up stuff, you know?

Serious rap music, reality TV, Premier League, Current Affairs, The Donald.

I don't really like this car.

I love it.

Classic topic, yeah.

You broke it, you fix it.

Um, first on the left.

Well, there you go.

Right as rain.

Job done.

Yeah.

I look like my mum.

Yes, we are.

Mum won't believe it, will she?

That's nice.

The voice in my head is telling me to put a monkey on Pam's ham in the 12 .15

Hay Dock.

I don't even know what a Hay Dock is.

Look, if you need your stomach pumped and a six -hour wait in A &E, just have

finger down there.

OK, now I'm calling security. Knock yourself out in the hand sanitiser if

want.

So you've got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky?

Well, do you, punk?

Hey, if you fucking pricks move, I'm going to execute every motherfucking one

you!

Job done, eh?

She was last spotted coming out of my office, behaving inappropriately. What?

She's still a kid.

Inside, I mean.

Legally speaking, she's an adult. And as such, must face justice as an adult.

Bollocks. We need to find her before she does.

Okay.

You've waited all these years, and now she's like this.

Sorry.

Good.

We need all hands on deck right now as we work out what the fuck to do. What?

You're taking minutes.

No, I don't know what this is. Oh, and have you got your rent? Because you do

know there's a late payment fee. Yeah, but I've got the cash. It just takes a

couple of days to come.

Not coming in. It needs to be deposited. Just leave me alone. Oh, here we go

with the excuses.

Just because I've got a kind and lovely face doesn't mean that I'm a charity. I

want you to remove your belongings from my flat. I haven't even moved them in

yet. There's a charge for that then. Consider yourself evicted. Strike all

for the minutes, Simon. This isn't important right now. I'm not taking

minutes. I just want to find a quiet place where I can contemplate the mess

is my life. We need... a strategy to find Penny. Write that down.

For God's sake, Simon, calm down.

Here's the plan.

By my calculations, the cat, i .e. Alice, is away.

Time for the mice, i .e. us, to play. Okay?

Let's go.

What's he doing here? He's scaring me.

Hurry up!

There.

Oh, there she is.

Bike loop corridor.

Let's go.

Oh, my God.

What are they doing there?

What are they doing there?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Absolutely no.

Fucking idea.

Does any of you like to stick their legs up in the air for

a bit once it's in?

That's what she said.

And a few legs.

For another go?

Oh, aren't we keen?

There's a lady here. She's got a face like this.

Oh, Simon.

I'm sorry.

I can't divulge who has or has not been here.

Quiet confidentiality.

I'm begging you as a friend.

Oh, cute.

You think we're friends. Oh, you're so sweet, Simon. Bless.

Oh, I'm too late.

Simon, what a pleasant surprise.

Tell you this. Please, just say that you haven't done the thing.

Thank you.

You're right, Simon.

Calm down. Do your bleeding.

Simon, is this your mum?

Oh, well, this must be really awkward. You must want the whole ground to

you up whole.

Are you all right, Lord?

Well done.

Oh, yes.

Could you wait? Oh, yes, of course.

Where did Hazzapotter live during his most turbulent times? I have no idea.

The cupboard under the stairs.

Bingo. I'm not coming out.

Budge up then, babes.

We're coming in.

Your dad's worried about you, love.

We all are.

I don't care.

It's true. We just want to help.

That woman wants to put me in prison.

One who looks like Hitler's wife.

We lingered on the Nazi module.

No one is doing anything.

We just want you back with your family.

I haven't got a family. My mum's dead.

Dad hates me now.

All I've got left is my hamster.

Mr Sniffles.

Yeah, probably going to have to brace yourself on that one.

Your dad?

Doesn't hate you, Penny.

He loves you.

Then why didn't he read to me? Your dad's been here for you, I swear.

Then why don't I talk like him?

OK, you're coming with me.

I need to show you something.

See?

Every day without fail, rain or shine.

Even during major football championships.

little sponge you soaked up my bants but you also soaked up a lot of his love

and you know what i think you're gonna be all right in

time that is my expert opinion and if i am anything i'm an opinionated expert

I've missed you so much.

I've missed you too, Dad.

My work here is done.

This Snow White didn't need a kiss from a prince to become a princess.

She already was one.

Because her father is a king.

That's deep. You should write these things down. I shouldn't have to. Simon

should be taking minutes.

Where is he?

I need to tell you something.

Oh, we've got some news for you, too. Some good news and bad news. You first.

Oh, shouldn't we be irishing these days? Pop a bit of bellies in them?

Can you even irish your day? Yeah, you can irish anything these days.

Eggs.

Anyway,

our bad news.

Moses has been clumsy on the internet again.

He's accidentally uploaded our sex tape.

Well, the footage is a bit shaky. You can only really make out my face and my

vagina, but... What's the good news?

Oh, well, we went to the sperm bank and I've inseminated myself with some very

reasonably priced sperm.

I want another baby.

So, what's your news, Simon?

Are you all right?

Come on, spit it out.

There's a chance that you might be becoming a grandmother as well as a

You finally found a girlfriend, didn't you? And you're going to have a baby

her? Oh, congratulations!

Great news!

No, listen, I donated some sperm, and I'm worried that there's a chance that

put it in you, Mummy.

You knew, didn't you?

Knew what?

Knew that my mother, a monk, had got sperm from a... Punjabi DNA?

To match Mother's Punjabi DNA, we'll die, yes.

I thought it was mine.

I thought it was going to be the father to my own brother.

Do you really think we'd let a son have a child with her own mother? This isn't

Russia.

Oh, my God.

Him.

We'd be related.

Oh. We'd be like brothers. No, we would. We'd be like brothers.

My literal brother would be a literal doctor.

We have many Asian donors, Simon.

Yeah, there's going to be him, isn't there?

First press of the season.

Good shifts on the left.

Here's your pay, Lucy.

Have you seen Edward Penisant?

I mean, it's not just erotic. I mean, it's emotional.

It's sad. It's based on true events.

But what's he looking so happy about?

And finally...

A British woman was awoken from a coma after 22 years yesterday.

Penny Morris is doing extremely well and is so happy to

be reunited with her father.

OK, let's, um... Let's mix this up a bit.

Who wants to hear about a naughty fucking wizard?

Yes, you do.

Fact. There are more insults in the next episode of Have I Got A Bit More News

For You than the average Quentin Tarantino monologue.

Up next on Dave.