Original subtitles

Welcome to the ham and cheese show!

It's a very special week for ham and cheese. And today's video is the first

series that we're going to call... Ham gets his broken heart fixed.

I honestly don't know who they are.

Ham and cheese are big names if you're 13 and like watching people trying

different yoghurts.

They deserve a modicum of our respect, Francesca.

These lads are the future of banter -based entertainment.

I can't believe you've not heard of them, Si. It's like not having heard of

Cockrell brothers.

Frankie. I mean, Ross.

What time?

There they are.

Christopher Hamilton, Moss Grove and Jamie Cheesford. The Ant & Dec of the

digital age.

If Ant & Dec started live streaming their own bowel evacuations.

Millions of subscribers.

You can't respect that.

As all you loyal crookettes know, I've been living with congenital heart

since I was born. And the time has come for me to get one of the valves in my

heart repaired.

Are they even talented?

talent went out with the 90s side.

These two saw an opportunity to monetise mediocrity, and boy, did they take it.

I want to give a massive shout -out to Gary's Garage in Cheltenham for

sponsoring this week's video. Let's hope my valve repair is as good as theirs.

We are so thrilled to have you here at St Ethel's Raiders for this

groundbreaking operation, which is the first of its kind. So stick with us for

three croquettes. Also, the fresh edition Ham's Broken Heart T -shirts,

nearly gone out.

So if you want to cop one, then click the link on the screen and hurry the

up, motherfuckers. Ham's broken heart!

Thank you so much. Would you like to come this way?

Stand back! Stand back!

All right, lads.

Pure talent.

What's the Wi -Fi password?

There's no Wi -Fi. It's an NHS hospital.

No Wi -Fi? Are you Amish?

I wonder if the robot's here yet.

Robot? Yeah, they've got this legendary robot from Future Times to come and fix

my heart.

Yeah, they're using a real robot to fix Sam's heart valve.

Totally in our contract, you know, that little thing we find.

No, that was a consent form. Whatever.

No robot, no deal.

Hi, lady.

Where are the bedpans?

I'm no lady. I'm a nurse.

Do you need a wee -wee? Uh, no. We've had an idea for a video.

Bedpan, bedpan! Where we both use a bedpan at the same time while

eye contact.

And whoever laughs first has to drink the contents of the other bedpan.

Sorry, sorry, back to the robot. Is it a genuine, real, surgical robot?

Yeah, whatever.

There they are.

Our little website stars, welcome.

Wow. I need you to treat these boys like they're your own children, except the

ones you actually wanted.

So that is 24 hours to go into the operation, fans.

This hand is going to get sliced.

Oh, my God, that looks awesome.

What happened?

I neglected to mind my own business.

Hey.

All right, Coney Freud?

A Michelangelo X1000 microsurgical system boasting 3D HD vision, an

ergonomically designed console, and genuine pleather trim.

I have to touch it. Interesting.

Never had you down as a robo -file.

My psychological analysis had you pegged at submissive porn and cranking.

Cry -wanking.

No. No, I just respect their superior capabilities.

And I want to stroke its cold metal carapace.

Then go in and fill your boots.

I tried. It's locked.

Oh, shame.

It is.

However... Is that it? ...allows me full access to the entire hospital.

That's a made -up in case of, um...

Emergencies.

Yeah, hold this.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you're beautiful.

You got any idea how clever this bad boy is?

How? Right.

Surgeon. Says here, yeah?

Has a little peeky at this.

The camera, there, does the incisions here. Easier than a robot.

Easier for you.

Makes those incisions microscopically. Oh, you really love this shit, don't

Just a bit, mate.

I grew up in the golden robot age.

Robot Wars, C -3PO -R2 -D2, the dawn of the self -service checkout.

Go on, turn it on.

No way.

Go on, there's no one around.

It's purring like a pussycat.

You're looking at the agent of your own destruction, Simon. How can you say

that? Have you never seen Wall -E?

Please don't bite my head off, but... Are you all right? I'm fine.

It's the... It looks like you might need some ice or something.

Lucy, look, I'm a doctor. Yes. An actual, life -saving, bone -fixing,

-up, university -degree -owning doctor, OK? No offence, but I don't really need

an answer's opinion on this.

Is this your first time?

And is this like... Because I'm happy to smoke, but I won't eat you.

What? No.

It started off as a women's only boxercise class.

Then one woman kicked another in the face, and the next thing we knew, they

in a full fight.

Bison closed it down, and now it's unofficial.

Unofficial. I really hope I get to bite someone's cheek today.

Like...

a couple of housekeeping things.

Okay, first up, someone left this behind last time. If this is your lateral

incisor, please come and collect it.

And secondly, Jen from Radiology has made us some cupcakes, but I don't want

crumbs in my ring, so please hold off until after.

All right, who is up for it tonight?

Okay, eager girl, you will be fighting.

Dr. Andrew, the rule, as ever, no weapons, no scratching, no biting,

all right? Gloves up.

No.

He is a mimic, an illegal, all -girl,

subterranean, secret bike club without

me. Well, I don't think it was your sort of thing.

What am I talking about? Oh, no, easy, Tiger. She's like Mike Tyson.

But being next, there's a cue.

And anyway, you'll have to prove yourself first.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Oh,

my heart.

Yeah, I don't think there's enough place in the entire world, Cal.

It's not working!

I broke it!

Just like I broke Roblox this run!

Okay, don't panic. We just need to fix this. And by we, I mean you.

The only thing I've ever fixed is my phone when Frankie tried to flush it

the toilet. I'm not up to it with some rice.

A simple box of rice.

Soy.

Fats. He's fucking genius.

All right, all right, Dr. Andrews. Go over to the left, don't go there. We'll

get the blood cleaned up.

Okay, next up we have Mary from the cafeteria versus the new blood,

Nurse Lucy.

The winner will fight our reigning champion next time, the Doctor of Doom.

The bar with no heart, bringing the pain from stain, Dr.

Bartholomew.

They need to look perfect, Emma.

Because I reckon tomorrow's video is going to go mega viral.

It's like an industry term, meaning even old people over 30 will have watched

it.

What's wrong?

Uh, nothing.

You think it's going to be okay, right?

Yeah, dude.

Like, it's a robot.

You know, like, nothing bad has ever happened with a robot.

Yeah, you might want to whip a dice around once you're done.

Okay. So I think we have to leave it overnight. That's her word with my

Beautiful. I mean, jobs are good.

Can't fail.

Point? I'm super wired. I'm just going to pace backwards and forwards a little

bit. Well, suit yourself.

But personally, I'd say this situation's well and truly handled.

Although we will be the first to die in the robot uprising.

How did you manage to pull out so much of her hair?

Shit.

Sorry.

Ham. Cheese. Cheese, of course.

Everything all right? Yeah, fine.

Excellent. It's just that you're squatting and sobbing and left it as a

It's a thing. Am I being pranked? No.

I'm just a bit freaked out about Ham.

Like, he's my best friend and I just... I don't want him to die.

Snap.

He seems pretty serious.

You know, like, Ham wants me to, like, film everything.

Like, even the operation and all. I was just like, I don't know if we should,

but it's like you've got obsessed with, like, filming everything. Like,

nothing's off limits anymore.

And I don't even know if we're, like, even real friends or if we're just like

these characters, you know?

You don't have to make a silly little movie about every moment of your life if

you don't want to.

I mean, do you have real jobs?

We're like millionaires.

What? Yeah, I just don't know if I should trust a robot, like, to fix my

friend's heart, you know? Like, I don't know, what if it's damaged?

Malfunctioning.

I'm sure it's a very reliable and, in fact, resilient robot. It's the kind of

robot that, you know, could take anything that life throws at it.

And ransom.

No, no, no, we'd just be lost without him.

Really lost.

Look, I'm not saying that I'll kill myself.

No. But I'll definitely think about it.

I definitely... This

map did damage a medical robot by fucking around

with it, leading to the death of an internet celebrity.

Then what she said? No, be it cut the innocent, yeah, until proven guilty.

The death penalty has been abolished, but I can bring it back.

Wait. Yeah.

High five.

You've got to be kidding me.

This was your plan? It was my plan. What have you done, Andy? What the fuck?

It's funny. Yesterday I was totally confident this was a good call, but

slept on it...

I'm thinking, so I might just fuck this up.

Oh, this is bad.

This is really bad. It's worse than the usual shit.

Yeah, I'm acutely aware of that, Frankie. You just step back while I take

the right of it.

It's not working.

Mind out.

This probably wasn't even broken in the first place.

Massive waste of rice.

I guess we'll just leave it.

Let them operate as is.

Yeah, we'll be fine. It's only microscopic heart surgery.

Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face.

Float like a butterfly.

Sting like a bee.

Sick of being talked down to.

No, Mr. Knightley.

Sorry.

What I meant to say was it's time to start getting you ready for your

We've managed to move it forward a bit.

Have you got blood on your knuckles?

I'm watching the footage of the last time I used one of those robots.

Is that Dr. McKenzie?

There was a storm coming in from the east.

Goodbye to this police.

This hallowed fleece exhibit.

We still have a chance.

Hello.

Sorry, what are you doing here? He wants to see your passes.

What?

No, no, no, this is completely ridiculous.

I want to inspect the robots. Oh, not without a pass. This is a total

zone, no exceptions.

On whose authority?

His.

Who on earth is that? Well, he was totally clear. He's doing a final health

safety... No one is allowed in for the next hour. Do you know what would happen

if a single stray human skin cell got into that machine?

It could block the optical focusing mechanism and cause a fatal laser

diffraction error.

Exactly, Doc. I'm glad someone's on the ball. Come back and see me when you're

passed up.

This is pathetic.

All right.

We've got five minutes.

Head's off.

Okay, all right. There must be some kind of a manual.

They're not going to just left it lying around, are they?

They've literally just left it lying around.

I know it's a state -of -the -art machine, but do you have to be so

It's called editing, scientists. Look it up. Okay, give it here, give it here.

Ah, right.

Okay, okay.

Okay, all right.

If the anterior red light shows, it can mean one of two things.

One, the robot central knife logic system is endangered or scrambled, which

means the robot could lose control and start to slash the patient

uncontrollably.

Or two, the camera lens needs cleaning.

So maybe it just needs a little wipe. This is serious, Simon. If you kill

someone, there are usually quite bad consequences.

You're going to have to tell Bison.

Problemo solvio.

It's okay. No, no, no, I still think you need to tell someone, Simon. Or we

accept our good fortune and move on without the absolute certainty of

disciplinary action. I actually think Anthony might be onto something here.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Fine, fine, it's your funeral. Or, to be more accurate, someone else's.

Okay, good, sensible decision.

Now let's cure a YouTuber and stream it live.

I'm busy.

Lucy, I didn't invite you to join Fight Club because... What, because you think

I'm too girly?

Well, guess what?

I'm not that girly. I don't even own a bonnet.

Okay, I just couldn't see you being that into it.

I need a release, Frankie.

Do you have any idea what it's like being a nurse?

Everyone treats me like I'm some pushover idiot. It's only good for

arses. Even Dr.

Bartholomew. She treats me like a Barbie with opposable thumbs. Okay, okay.

Fight if you want to, but just so you know, for me, this is all about female

empowerment, yeah?

Making women feel strong and powerful on their own terms. We might be fighting

each other, but it's making us all fit for the real battle.

Women versus the rest of the world.

Tennessee Bartholomew kills the skinny little bitches, Ruth.

There's no going back now, Si. I mean, thank fuck that robot somehow fixed

itself against the odds.

Now we can help them both get the show back on the road.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They are still kids, though, aren't they, you know?

Two young boys who are surprisingly vulnerable under all that bluster and

rampant commercialisation of their everyday lives. I think we should

robot.

Hey, guys, I reserved all of the observation areas for the VIPs.

But Pam would really like it if you could both be there for the operation.

Really? Yeah, I mean, you've been really cool.

Thanks, thanks, thank you.

Good, good.

That way? Yeah, yeah, no other way.

Oh, all right.

Listen,

Lucy, I'm going to give you an out, OK?

You're not ready to fight me. You'll just be sad. Give yourself a couple of

weeks and you'll get to my level.

Excuse me? That's not a terrible idea.

Lymph and paediatric still has the dislocated cervical.

I'm going to rip off all of your skin and use your lung with tiny little

punching bags.

All right.

I'll try to help.

Prepare to beg for mercy.

Just kick her fucking teeth in, love. I would.

unnecessary. It's unnecessary.

Danny, some music, please.

I think brass band moods.

You know, there's literally no women in there.

Welcome back!

Quick thing, whoever's been spitting blood on the floor, can you stop it?

Please, you might want to bear in mind that many of the cleaners are in this

room, and if they catch you at it, I can't be held responsible for what they

to you. All right.

I promised that the winner would fight the reigning champion, Dr.

Bartholomew. So, here we are.

Welcome to the ring, Dr.

Bartholomew.

All right, ladies, let's try and keep this as clean as possible.

On my count.

Three, two, one.

Gentlemen, this really is the future.

It's incredibly intricate what you can do with it.

Why is it showboating? It's showing off like a... Okay, you're about to enter

the right age for you.

Then I'm going to use the argon laser to gently mobilize the tricuspid

adhesions.

Hang on a minute.

What the hell is that?

I'm sorry.

I, uh... I'm going to have to ask for a... a

second opinion.

Mr. Pradeep?

What have you got? Well, I hope I'm wrong. Danny cut the umpire, but I think

this boy might have... cancer.

Yes, it is!

Bloody hell.

Just a bit.

Locally seeded tumors.

I don't know how we didn't spot this on the preliminary scan.

I know, just breathe.

It's okay.

I'm sure it's not as bad as it sounds. Well, to be fair, the cancer mention's

really good.

Very strange and terrible.

I've never seen tumors like these.

Small and slim.

Almost grainy.

A pale color.

What a tragedy.

And the valve surgery went so well.

You'll can't believe it.

There's nothing you could have done.

All you can do now is to close the poor child up and make him comfortable.

Can I help you?

What?

And did this on the robot, and then...

Sorry, we've got the... And I submerged it.

Submerged it.

It's rice.

It's rice.

It's rice.

What? So you put the phone in the rice. It's a video. Yeah, it's on YouTube.

Yay! No cancer!

Because it's right.

In a couple of days we'll all be laughing so much about it.

It'll be all right. We all make mistakes.

You think so? Absolutely not, you stupid little shit. He only killed someone.

It's going to be awful for you.

So, Dr. McKenzie successfully repaired the heart of an international internet

celebrity person, but you covered our priceless surgical robot in rice.

What's that about?

You hate robots?

I love robots. That's a funny way of treating something you love.

Unless you love rice.

Or are you a basmati fiend? You cover everything and write.

Well, you must buy in bulk, right? Or the cost will be crippling. Look, I know

I'm fired, right? So just tell me... Fired?

Oh, we are way past that, mister.

I'm afraid we're going to have to get the police involved. The police? Yes,

police. It's attempted manslaughter.

By right.

But I told the truth, I admit it. Surely there's some merit in that. No, there's

not. Right.

There he is.

Oh, my God, dude.

We owe you.

What? Yeah, I uploaded the video of the operation like immediately and it's

already the most viewed operation fail video of all time.

Is that genre? We need to interview you for the follow -up.

So, you're not suing anyone or... Yeah, right.

Okay.

You're free to go.

What?

But... The rights.

We're not getting sued? Then I no longer care.

I'm so sorry for the delay, everybody.

I'm so happy to announce that the operation yesterday, the first of its

the county, was a huge success.

I'd like to thank my incredible staff for acting as ever with exceptional

professionalism.

And now, a short word. from uh flip's guests hey guys

hey croquet i just want to say a massive thanks to everyone who made all this

possible gary's garages our personal stylist blaze shout out to blaze my yoga

lattes instructor leave for just keeping me grounded and everyone at master

space feel oh and the uh the doctors yeah yeah yeah out oh look at that crowd

over there

I just wanted to say thank you so much for not putting me in prison.

We have learned a lot from this experience.

Like, the most important thing, really, is friendship.

You can have all the fame and money in the world, but when you have each other,

that's all you need.

That is bloody lovely, Ham.

Chief, did you get that, or should I do it again?

No, we're good. Cool, sick, let's go.

OK.

Right, so Ham, that's a lovely... Absolutely there.

Fame is a toxic mistress, Simon.

Once she has you in her claws, You'll do anything to stay there.

It's time for... Fairbanks! Fairbanks!

No way.

Fairbanks! Fairbanks!

And the new and exclusive series of Porters continues next Thursday at 10.

if you can't wait till then to see what sort of trouble Simon causes, the whole

series is available with our on -demand service, UK TV Play.

But next up, it's what I lied to you.