Original subtitles

All right, mate.

Nice costume.

Yes.

All I'm saying is that they shouldn't just bring this shit on us. We should

been warned.

Oh, obviously, because our opinions have been valued and respected, and by no

means are we the lowest form of life in the hospital.

If I thought you were being sarcastic, I would piss me off.

We are an essential cog in the wheels of the NHS machine.

The more, as they say, the merrier.

I think Dr. Nate will be great.

Well?

What do you think?

Do I fit in like one of you?

These portering shirts are a bit tight, aren't they?

Can you see my nipples?

I've got prominent nipples.

They go hard whenever I get excited.

No. No, it looks all right. It looks fine. It's not overly nipply or

Are you sure? Because I am definitely excited.

What are you doing?

Huh?

You're staring at my nipples.

Well, no, I'm not... What is it with you? What?

Is it some kind of fetish thing with you? Is it some kind of nipple?

No, no, you asked me to go and look at your nipple, so I went over there. It

a nipple inquiry, if anything.

Joking!

Don't worry.

Mi nipple, su nipple.

Please, milk me with your eyes.

You, Porter, I need to talk to you outside.

Now. Miss Madison, who are you talking to? I am pointing directly at you.

There can be no ambiguity.

No, your points are in the middle of...

So don't worry, don't scream.

It's not real.

She's just a LARPer.

Okay. Five years of medical school, two years of post -grad training, three

years of kidding myself, and this hellhole are clearly not enough. You've

finally found a disease I've never heard of. It's not a disease.

She looks pretty after me.

Oh, so it's a live -action role -playing.

LARP. That's right, isn't it?

Okay, well, you're still not allowed to die till I say so. Stand back.

The Royal College of Surgeons are running this ridiculous back -to -the

initiative in an effort to understand the pressures faced by little people

you. That means, annoyingly, Mr Pradeep will be down with you for most of today.

Now, he is due to operate on the husband of our most major donor later, a real

bigwig. Remember, Mr... Mr Pradeep is my trust's most valuable

asset. Our most prolific surgeon. He literally brings in millions of pounds

year. Nothing must go wrong. He must not be incapacitated in any way.

Do you understand?

Absolutely,

perfectly clear.

I'll take real good care of your boy.

There's actually a lot of hazards down here that you need to be aware of.

Watch out for this bit.

So, remember, I actually want to be a doctor like you.

Wow. Yeah.

That's amazing.

Gosh, why didn't you tell me before? Maybe you did. I did, yeah.

Maybe I can help you.

Really? Yeah, medicine is not about brains and ability.

It's about who you know.

I mean, in that sense, this grid is very Indian.

Rising up from the gutter. Totally Indian. You want something? Nothing's

to stop you.

Am I right, Ledge?

I mean, I could try and be Indian if you think it would help me. Oh, definitely.

Being Indian's very big.

You know, my brother is dean of the medical school. Really? Great. Wow,

good. So, actually, you being white's a bit of a problem. I think we could work

this out.

I'm there.

You're bullshitting me.

Unless you're going to take my recommendation and then piss about in

sodium and make me look like a twat.

No, no, no, no, no. I promise, I really, really want to do this.

This is my dream.

I want to help people. I want to be respected.

In that case, I'm your fairy godfather.

I will wave my magic wand of influence in your face and turn this pumpkin head

into a beautiful glass egg.

If that's what you really want.

It means that I get to be a doctor then, yes please?

Okay, Stephen.

First up, we'll test your mettle at lunchtime. Find out how Indian you

are.

So, where does it go?

Oh, it's in the incinerator.

Down there. Don't try to touch the flame.

Believe me, it's not worth it.

And bring your plimsoll.

So people like Pippa like to dress up as their favourite characters from fantasy

role -playing games.

And they act out exciting scenarios involving witches, dragons, magicians

Right.

Are you really sure you want me to treat you, or do you rather just slip gently

away?

Okay, suit yourself.

You're having an asthma attack.

That or your self -respect is rejecting you, but I can fix it with the first one

anyway, if you're sure.

Yes, please.

Definitely not definitely.

Relatively quick.

No!

Okay, fine.

Five of self -butamol, two hundred and a quarter, stone chest x -ray, and if you

find any magic beans in the drunkard's cupboard, let's give them a whirlpool.

Hiya. Ah, fledge, finally.

My headband. Thank you very much. My head can be unruly. How to be a top

surgeon. Well, there are three qualities, and you need to be proficient

of them. No time for losers, because... We are the champions. Of? All the world.

Correct. Let's go.

Dog shit.

Number two.

Manual dexterity.

It's a combination of Shaolin Kung Fu and finger knitting.

Give me ten more seconds or this filthy needle will penetrate your brain.

Come on.

Show me your mental strength.

And done.

So, you're an evil orc because you're so nice. Right.

Your laughing character should always embrace your shadow side.

So, if you're really kind and gentle in real life, your character should be the

opposite. Oh.

One on one. I just feel totally mental.

That sounds amazing.

It is quite satisfying.

In real life, I'm sort of a weak person.

When I'm laughing, I can be strong.

Wow. So, if Hitler were a lapper, he'd be some kind of kindly elf or

helpful pixie. And Gandhi would be...

Horrid, blood -sucking werewolf.

I don't think Hitler would ever be a laugher.

No, he might probably be more into Call of Duty.

Oh, I'm nice.

Actually, I'm lovely, so maybe I should be an orc too.

I doubt you have the upper body strength for a battle hammer.

I see you more as a wicked queen.

Someone who's beautiful, but also cruel and inconsistent.

This one for x -ray.

Shit. All right.

Unshakable confidence.

It's not enough to be the best.

You must know you're the best.

And for that, you need a calm mind.

That's what I don't get, Prodigy. Call me Sensei.

The Sensei.

Having the confidence to cut someone open.

I mean, they're just lying there, helpless.

You pick up a knife.

What if something went wrong?

What if you make a mistake?

I mean, there'd be no one else to blame.

That is truth.

But it would mean you'd have actually killed a man.

Or a woman.

Or a child.

Someone's adorable little brother.

Dead.

Do you ever think about that?

No. Never crossed my mind.

You should assist me in my next operation.

So you and Frankie were best friends?

I thought we were.

We're loads in common, aren't you, Cindy?

Oh, sorry.

Dungeons and Dragons.

No,

sorry. D &D.

is a way of life.

So, I became the Archangel, and Frankie became Pixarella.

We were a great team. Our powers were complementary.

But it was more than that. We had our own victory dance.

It was always Frankie, me, and Dungeon Master.

It was a perfect fantasy.

The rest of the world didn't exist.

Until the day when everything stopped.

The worst day of my life.

Dad!

Yeah. Cancer.

Well, she was fine yesterday.

It was really quick cancer.

Is there going to be a funeral? I'd like to... Can't. Had it.

Already?

It's a Nigerian thing.

Can't let the sun go down. I've got to go.

Frankie told you she was dead.

And I believed her.

Until today, I thought I'd lost my best friend to an unusually aggressive form

of cancer.

That's terrible. She can't get away with this. She has to apologise.

I don't think that there is... No, no, no, no, no, no.

Wait here.

If you could just pass the oxygen... Frankie, stop right there. No, I'm not

talking about it. Frankie, I command you to halt.

No one deserves to be treated that way, Frankie.

Yeah, well, maybe a paedophile or a terrorist.

Well, not a lovely sweet person like Pippa. You broke her heart, Frankie.

Yeah, I know I did. It's not important.

I think it might be.

See, the thing is, people lie about dying all the time.

It's like ghosting. Yeah.

They really don't. It's not a thing.

Why? You were best friends.

Things change, okay?

I caught some dick. As a result, he was cool, which made me cool.

Or at least I thought I was.

I couldn't go laughing anymore.

So you got your little sister to tell her you were dead.

Yeah, so?

It was a clean break.

The best thing for both of us. I mean, you know, I'm dressing up like a proper

twat.

It was the right thing to do, and I'm sorry if you don't like that.

Oh, wow.

Hi. Hi.

Do you think I'm too nice? Sorry? Me, do you think I'm too nice as a person?

Pass.

Next question.

No, Simon, I want an answer.

Am I too nice?

A pushover?

Am I all easy -peasy, lemon -squeezy?

No, you're... OK, you're very nice.

Yes. But you're not too nice.

Does that help?

No, naughty Simon. You're just telling me what you think I want to hear. Um,

honestly, no. I think you're great.

You're like, you're just like, um, what's it called?

You're like baby bear's porridge in it. You're just right.

You're just right.

Which is why I want to lick your bowl clean and sleep in your bed.

No, no, no.

That's sweet, Simon, but I don't agree. I think I need to release my shadow

side, you know, just like Pippa.

Which is why I think it's time I was a little bit less of a nice person and a

tiny bit more of a... of a beautiful, beautiful age.

Oh, okay, all right.

Okay, okay. I just need to start telling people the truth, you know?

Oh, can I start with you?

Sure. Okay, great. So you're only moderately attractive.

Your dreams of becoming a doctor will never come true. And you think women

your natural shyness around them endearing when, in reality, they pity

Ow. But you know what?

Oh, I feel better already.

Thank you.

Well, that's really helped me. I'm going to keep this up.

Overrated? Fake news.

Simon, it's time.

My training.

I'm not ready.

Follow me or leave my service forever. The choice is yours.

What the hell is he doing here?

Simon is my new protege.

The trustees are watching, the real bigwigs.

Where I go, he goes.

No Simon, no Slythe.

Knife.

I'm delighted, Mrs. Wig, that you and the hospital trustees are all able to

observe surgery today.

Mr. Pardee is our magic money tree.

What's the memory?

You'd have actually killed a man.

Hey, Flash. Is everything okay? Yeah, yeah. He looks incompetent.

Just so I'm preparing myself.

You'd have actually killed a man.

Or a woman.

Child. Someone's adorable little brother.

Dead. Dead.

Dead. That's my husband out there on the operating table.

I can't do it.

It's over.

I can't do it. It's over.

Oh, shit.

Security has searched everywhere. Mr Pradeep has disappeared off the face of

earth. Now, I want to know what happened.

How did my alpha dog surgeon become some kind of quivering wreck?

Well, it's got nothing to do with us.

Oh.

Actually, no, yeah, no, we did have a brief conversation.

Oh, what?

We were meditating together in the tranquil place, and I just happened to,

know, wonder to myself out loud, you know, how can someone be so confident

secure where you are?

With someone else's life in hanging.

In the balance.

He's lost his nerve.

What?

A surgeon's confidence is crucial.

They have to believe they are the best. Ain't that right, Jane? Yeah, anything

that threatens that destroys them.

You did this.

I don't think that's exactly what Frank is saying. I warned you.

Now I need my surgeon. You find him and fix him or you are all fired.

Again.

Where the hell is he, then?

The roof?

We should check the roof.

Not the roof, Si.

Surgeon of the month.

Tragic. A shell.

A broken man.

It's all thanks to you, Si.

Nephrectomy.

And we've lost him.

I can't watch.

Simon.

Simon?

Tell me.

Is that you?

Why am I looking at this guy's shorts?

Have you got a plan?

Nein. But the Dalai Lama says fuck you for the nine irons. Oh, and you must

Mr. Padik. What's all this for, then? Why?

Don't shoot the messenger.

Ask the new guy.

He is very cool.

Sorry, Si, I think he's fucked. Negative.

Oh, that's just wrong.

Okay,

Frankie. What he said. Stop saying... It's my ticket to med school.

I'm his protégé. I'm his mini -me.

I'm the little Reg.

OK, that is enough daytime TV for you.

Come on, time to operate. The table's ready. Go.

No, Simon, I can't.

You can, OK? You're a genius. You're a brilliant surgeon.

Come on, Reg, remember.

The legend has gone.

He has left the building.

No, no, no.

Come on. Guy.

Hi, Brie.

Maybe we can sort this.

Okay.

Have you heard of reverse psychology?

Yes, I have. Good, that's what you needed, though.

How, how, how? Well, I'm glad you asked.

We just give him what he wants.

Yeah? Let him hit rock bottom?

And let his pride do the rest.

Take the paternity test!

Really, one of you now?

Unless during the course of your day some obvious alternative career choice

springs to mind.

Like what?

All right, here's your bleep again.

Oh, it's gone.

Infectious disease ward.

Deep clean?

Deep clean!

How bad can it be?

So what exactly is toxic megacolor?

Don't know. But whatever it is, it's messy.

The touring shroud of diarrhea.

You really think this is going to work?

Pradeep is a proud man.

He won't accept this kind of... humiliation.

Dr. Bartholomew has asked me to give you these.

Antibiotics. You should take one now and then you're free to go.

I'm sorry.

I tried, but I don't think she's coming.

I know.

Maybe it's for the best.

I think she's changed.

She's lost her shadow side.

Okay, I'm ready.

Pippa? Are you okay?

Oh, Christ.

It's dogs for dementia week.

It's Pippa.

She's had an allergic reaction. I'm going to get Dr.

Bartholomew.

John, take that. All right, okay. Go on to bed. Go on to bed.

Cleaning that room is one of the most disgusting experiences of my entire

Brian! That's why someone like you shouldn't be doing that.

Oh, that's what I thought.

I thought, I'm going to quit.

Great. Yeah, then I saw you waiting outside.

And I said to myself, you know, Mr. Pradeep, someone's got to deal with the

consequences of a toxic megacolon. Why not you? Because you are a brilliant and

highly qualified urgent.

Was. Not anymore. But you don't belong here with us.

You're the legend. The boss man. Tony Soprano.

Mary fucking Berry.

I was.

Very, very once.

But now I'm nothing, like you.

And my job is to serve. And if that means scrubbing explosive diarrhoea off

blood pressure monitor with a toothbrush, then so be it.

So, what's next?

Hey, what's up? Oh, Pippa needs help, and he's with her. I need to get

Dr. Bartholomew!

Dr. Bartholomew!

Is it OK? Is it all right?

She's in anaphylactic shock. I think it was that Pomeranian. Her throat's

closing over. She can't breathe. Help's on its way. She's dying. We don't have

time.

Oh, no one's dying.

Come on. Breathe for me. Come on.

I'm sorry. I never should have done what I did. You are my best friend.

I miss you.

Maybe she needs a surgeon.

Oh, Mr. P, this is your moment. You're the man here. No, no, no. I can't. I've

got to go deep.

Please, please. You can. I know you can do it. I know you can do it. Please

don't let her die. Now's not the time. Come on.

Now's not the time.

Mary Berry.

Give me your pocket knife. I don't have a pocket knife. No one has a pocket

knife. You can't get it past security.

I can do it. Not even the Swiss Army can do it.

Don't panic.

I've seen this done in the field. All you need is a simple ballpoint pen.

You remove the inside and use it as a makeshift tracheotomy tube. All yours,

mate.

Job done, Mr. Pradeep. Back in the house.

High five.

High five.

Bring it.

Bring it. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

We've all done it, Frankie.

The awkward break -up scenario. Don't want to hurt another's feelings.

Sometimes faking your own death is all you can reasonably do.

Did I ever tell you about that time I broke up with Kylie back in 2001?

Kylie Minogue?

I was working in one of them private hospitals.

Nice little number.

She was in getting her varicose veins done before touring and we just clicked.

Seriously? She was the same as this Pippa.

Very small, very needy woman. Beautiful soul, don't get me wrong.

High maintenance.

Obsessive. I was looking for a way out and then boom.

Boom. Twin towers.

Tragedy, but also an opportunity.

Far as she knows, I perished in a ball of flames on that bright September day.

Kylie Minogue thinks that you died in 9 -11.

I know.

Sounds harsh, but, well, it was for the best.

Doesn't mean to say I don't feel guilty as hell every time I hear her voice.

Wow. I had no idea. That is a really sad story. Do you think that you two will

ever get back together again?

I should be so lucky.

Wow. Nice costume.

I know.

We were a good team.

Our powers were complementary.

That's what she said.

Also, she mentioned something about a victory dance.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not doing the dance. Absolutely not. No dancing.

Did anyone order the liver? Rare?

Can I, um... Can I stick around and watch?

Uh, haven't you got work to be getting on with?

No, no, I'm just finished.

I'm never going to be your protégé. I need to put the hours in tonight, so...

This is about that protege thing.

I just don't think I can do that to you, Ledge.

I mean, this doctor gig is a nightmare.

It's dreadful.

You guys have got it sweet.

Yeah, you're helping people. You're holding their piss pots.

You're chucking things in the incinerator. Oh, God, I love the

You scum.

No, no, no. Don't try to thank me. Let me take one for the team.

And you guys, you go and have your fun. How does that sound?

High five.

My doctor training?

Duty calls.

Be around.

Okay, let's get this show on the road.

That liver is on the turn.

Coming up next on Dave, it's the exciting second series of Asian

where comedian Ramesh Ranganathan takes a trip around America in an effort to

meet some of his more far -flung relatives, all the while being

his mum.