Original subtitles

Isn't Dr. McKenzie amazing?

He certainly seems very efficient.

You know, when I was a little girl, I always thought I'd marry a hero.

You know, like a doctor or a fireman. We need an own leg now!

We are not gonna lose this kid!

One of those soldiers with no legs who walks to the North Pole on sticks.

Do you know what? I think we pay too much attention to people like that.

Maybe the real heroes are the people that just get on with their menial but

utterly vital jobs without seeking the line like that prat.

Oh, Simon!

Oh, you are so funny.

Sometimes I don't even know when you're joking.

You called for reporters and thought about a paediatric patient transfer?

he's just over here. Come and meet my little angel.

Here he is, my little Lewis.

He's been coming over years now. I was a student nurse and he was my first

patient.

So sad.

I mean, I know you shouldn't really have favourites when it comes to a

transplant list, but if someone this adorable can't jump the queue for a

past some saggy old granny, well, then I don't even know whether I have donor

cards.

We just can't find anyone to match him.

He's got a really, really rare blood group or something.

We've all been tested.

Dr Mackenzie organised it all. He set up a just -giving page and...

Cycled from John O 'Groats to Land's End to raid the Werner.

Look, there he is.

You know, I was just thinking about Lucy.

Lucy! Sorry?

I was just thinking about little Lewis and how he needs a transplant and how

totally tragic it all is.

I was thinking maybe you could check me and test my blood, see if I'm a match.

You would donate a kidney to little Lewis?

Anything to help an innocent young man live a normal life.

That's amazing.

But it's no use, Simon.

I mean, you're white, and Lewis is so diverse.

The odds of you matching would be millions to one.

That high?

Really?

Poor Lewis.

Damn it.

I know.

Even so, you know, I'd still like to...

Try.

Please. You're determined to be my little hero, aren't you?

Sometimes miracles happen. OK.

Bye.

Bye,

mate.

OK, I've got two packs of crisps. Any flavour except chilli?

All good.

They make me run with something chronic.

Thanks, lovely. And I've got this week's take a break and a railway modeler.

I'm a bit short this week, darling.

Can I pay you Monday?

When's your surgery again?

Um, Wednesday, I think.

Monday.

Ah, there you go. That's only because we go way back.

Thanks. Then I've just got Brenda's midweek lottery.

In the middle of her enema.

Oh.

Hallelujah.

You go, girl.

Hooray! I'll come back.

I can't believe your faces.

Only a tiny bit of blood.

It's genetic. It runs in the family.

My grandfather was unconscious for most of the early 60s. Aren't you the idiot

who wants to be a doctor?

That is correct.

Well, it's partially correct. I don't consider myself an idiot.

Good for you.

Yeah, to believe something in the face of all evidence to the contrary has a

certain nobility.

You ever thought of becoming a Mormon?

Well, as I said, I'm not an idiot or a moron.

I think that proves my point.

Well, I think it's sweet.

Really?

Well, isn't it braver for a scaredy cat, scaredy cat to do something they're

afraid of rather than doing something because they're actually a really bravey

cat?

Will you go out with me?

You know what? I'm actually going to think about it.

Fit, isn't he?

Sorry? Lucy, well fit. Sorry to mock a little.

Um, I'd rather you didn't talk about it like that. I bet you think about it

every time you clean your pipe. I do. Lewis!

A million, zillion pounds you do. Well then, young man, you've just cost

yourself a zillion pounds, because I can assure you, I do not.

Bruce, see his quality.

You know I can see down her throat every time she hits my foot.

Those facts are pure granary.

Lewis!

I'd really rather you didn't refer to my female colleagues in that manner. It's

extremely disrespectful.

Come on, ain't that the reason you work here?

Fit nurses everywhere you look.

Call them muffins from the pub.

Lewis has a newsflash.

You want to see an upskirt? No.

Because I don't know what one is.

Check it.

I'm not... I don't... The kids

are pervs!

Lucy's honour is at stake. When I point out that erotic pictures have been

spread all around social media, then to know who the real heroes are.

Look, what he's posted.

He's taken a new photo every day this week. It's basically a knicker diary.

Nice.

Have you asked her to... Oh, no.

Obviously. When virgins fall in love for the first time, it's hard.

Actually, she's thinking about going out with me.

I'd find.

Instead, Lucy's thinking about going out with me.

Her exact words were...

So this lottery ticket belongs to a patient? Five numbers. I checked online.

It's worth five grand.

But you bought it for her.

Exactly. I bought it. Legally, it's mine. I can't believe you're even

considering keeping this.

Tillman? I follow the Buddha. I believe in karma.

No yin without yang.

Oh, Jesus. Don't start with all that karma bullshit again.

Karma bullshit?

No.

In 1966, this country cheated West Germany out of the World Cup.

Ever since that day, your football team has been cursed while a united Germany

moved on to achieve its greatest victories.

This is not chance.

It's the balance of the universe.

This ticket did not cross the line. It's not a goal. And you are not Jeff Hurst.

Fine, I get it. You both won the cup. Okay, how much? It's dirty money.

It poisons the soul.

And before you know it, three fine colleagues will be fighting to the death

knives for a share of what?

Approximately 5 ,762 euros.

That's crazy, girl.

I'll split it three ways. Final offer.

You could treat Lucy.

You could whip her away on a fancy weekend and sweep her off her feet.

I'm sorry, but... I'm going to take Lucy to Brancaster with my own money.

Keeping this is wrong.

Yeah. It'll bring her to bad luck.

So I have to give it back to Brenda?

Yeah!

OK, shocking at 200.

Clear!

How is she? Still dead.

What's it to you?

Oh, Brenda was one of our patients.

Doctors have patients. Ports have tasks.

What are you doing?

What? Oh, nothing. I just came to give her her magazine.

Should have got Goodbye magazine.

If you don't want your share,

fine. I respect that.

It's bad karma.

Oh, karma can kick my ass. I want my five grand. She's dead. I'm keeping it.

of story.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Is everything all right? Well, yes. I'm just so excited. It's just so exciting.

Seriously, when they told me, I almost did a little wee.

What is it?

It's you. I just saw the results of your blood test.

It's like a zillion to one.

You're really going to do it?

Really going to do what?

Save his life.

You're a perfect match.

To little Lewis, you are going to donate a kidney. How amazing is that? You

really are going to be a hero.

Simon?

I warned you.

Why is Simon donating a kidney got to do with me?

You, Frankie, performed a very selfish act. Now, to balance the universe, we

must perform an unselfish one.

So what are you saying?

Can't I once, Simon's kidney?

Hi. Jane Bison.

Deputy Chief Executive of the Hospital Trust.

Where have you been?

Everyone's waiting for you. Sorry, I was just preparing.

Mentally. Good.

As long as you're not thinking of changing your mind.

With our young patient, Lewis Jerome, Simon, I suppose the question on

everyone's lips is, why are you donating a kidney to someone you don't know?

Well, I guess, you know, there's something that has touched me about

Lewis' plight.

I suppose we all have to make a difference any way we can. Some people

choose an activity that they enjoy doing anyway, like cycling,

instead of a just giving page.

Whereas I decided to donate a vital organ.

Mr Pradeep, you're Simon's transplant surgeon.

I know. Are there any medical problems with an interracial transplant?

Surprisingly, no.

It actually happens more often than people think. Mr Simon here has two

perfectly fine kidneys.

In fact, while he's asleep, I might just take them both.

I'm kidding.

And what do you think of Simon here?

I think this man is a fucking legend.

Ledge!

They loved you! High five!

So I will see you later and we can talk through the procedure.

It seems I got rid of this fucking tremor. Is that normal?

It's the look on your face!

No, don't worry. I'm on visa blockers.

As long as I don't drive a manual car, I'll be fine.

Joking!

Left or right?

Sorry? Which kidney do you want to lose?

Does it make a difference?

Some people have a favourite kidney.

All right.

Left. What, keep it or give it?

Keep right, give left.

Shit, is that wrong?

Got you again!

It's like fish in a barrel today.

No, left, right doesn't make any difference.

Unless the other one's not working. In which case you're fucked and you end up

on dialysis.

That's only ever happened twice.

So anyway, there, just lift up your polo shirt there.

I'd like to go through the front.

That's right.

Not from where I'm standing.

No, it's my right.

Oh, shit, yeah.

I'm always getting that wrong.

Okay, well, we just have to remember to take the one without the arrow.

Okay, so the next time you see me, you'll be tied to a trolley.

I'll have a big knife in my hand. Big knife in my hand.

Don't.

Don't tell them you've changed your mind.

I've changed my mind.

I've got 3 ,223 likes on Facebook and a crazy transplant surgeon's drawn an

arrow on my unlucky kidney. Anyone of you should go like, oh, sorry, I've

changed my mind.

Tell them all to go and fucking do one, I would. Maybe I could have done it at

some point.

Oh, not when you've been retweeted by the Dalai Lama.

What am I going to do?

Well, if the power of social media means anything, I'd say you're about to

donate a kidney.

Tillman? I've been consulting Trippie Tucker.

And there is a way to solve this. What is done can be undone. The karma

committee is very clear about this. We need to reverse polarity. The universe

will take care of itself.

But we must return a ticket.

Not one.

Yes.

All right. All right. Okay.

Doctor, we have something of great value that belonged to an Atadama who was

recently deceased.

Brenda McNally, just give it to me.

I'll make sure the corpse gets it.

Thanks, but we're running from karma and we have to deliver ourselves.

Unfortunately, you're talking to someone who gives less of a shit than a

constipated stoma patient, but her son just arrived. Just give it to him.

Mr.

McNally?

Indeed. Hi.

Call me Alan. What can I do for you? I looked after your mother, but sort of.

And you have my sincerest thanks.

Oh. Frankie.

And may I just say, God bless the NHS and all who's sailing her. I know you

would have done everything in your power to help her through her final pitiless

moment. I can only imagine the suffering that final enema caused. You never came

to see her in her hour of need?

Well...

I've been busy. You know how it is.

The work's been crazy.

You must have an important job.

Yes, I do. I'm an investment banker in the city.

In an ethical investment fund? Christ, no.

I leave all that to the National Bank of Lesbos.

No, I'm in arms, fags and petroleum products.

Sorry, you were saying?

Well, we have something of great value. Belong to your mother and your son.

And her only heir. Guilty as charged.

She never mentioned you.

Oh, yes, that's because we had a little falling out when I went into politics.

Never saw eye to eye. Take this crazy interracial transplant as a case in

You don't approve of it. Well, same man would.

First they come over here and take our jobs. Now they want our bloody organs.

Edgy. Frankie Boyle. I'm not joking.

You need to read this.

Did you know there's probably 15 Somalians stuck to the bottom of the

as we speak?

Magnets.

This changes everything.

I'm 90 % sure that he would use that money to promote racial segregation.

So he can keep it. But then we will be wrong and Simon screwed.

Or maybe it's a sign.

The universe's way of telling us that I was right all along.

I mean, the least we can do is listen to it.

If karma wants to change your life with a dead pensioner's stolen lottery

ticket, it will find its way back to us.

And if it doesn't?

Then we must let the winds of destiny decide.

The opposite of shit.

The universe is balanced.

Five grand.

Destiny has danced.

But you don't like it.

Don't take it.

We're safe.

Karma will protect us. Will it?

What karma doesn't exist?

I can't do it.

I've thought about it. I know it's the right thing to do. I know that little

Lewis needs a kidney, even if he is a perv.

And I know we're all put on this planet to make a difference, but I can't do it.

Okay.

Really? Yeah.

You too.

It takes a brave man to admit he's shitting himself.

What am I going to do?

You promised.

A kid.

A life -saving organ.

If you want to break that promise, you have to tell him yourself.

Oh.

Oh.

So, how are you?

Never better, man.

Like, I got a new lease on life.

Really? Why's that?

Because of you, man.

It's going to be more awkward than I imagined.

What? Oh, um, OK.

So, there's something that I need. Oh, hey, you both are. My two brave

Hi, Lucy.

Simon was about to tell me something.

Oh, right.

Boy talk.

Well, don't mind me. I've just got to do my nursery stuff.

Actually, it's sort of private.

Lucy, call me. Just say it. My lips are sealed.

Pinky promise.

Shit. Fine.

Okay. You know when... Have you ever just sort of done something or said

something completely in the spur of the moment, you know, and then look back

when all the dust has settled and thought, oh, maybe I've actually made a

bit of a mistake?

Don't get you.

Why would you? Okay.

And there we are.

Sledge. Oh.

Oh, actually, Simon had a little announcement to make.

Okay. The floor is yours.

Pray silence for... the legend.

Um... Okay. You know, the man who is going to save my child, Jesus be

I have prayed for you, child.

Let me tell you that even if your blood is dashed to the floor and your life is

taken by this man, Then Jesus himself would take your hand and lead you

personally to heaven and glory.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

Wait, Simon came in to say something. We should let him speak.

Okay.

Here's the thing.

You know when on Monday someone asks you to go to the cinema on Thursday to

watch the new X -Men type film and you go, yeah, sure, because at the time you

really want to go. But then on Thursday...

You have to be really tired and you have to message him and say, I'm sorry, I

don't want to go, even though I definitely said that I would.

Simon, what are you saying?

Just that sometimes you do something in the spur of the moment and the

completely devil may get away, and then when you look back and things have

panned out, you realise that maybe the devil had a point.

Oh, you're crying now.

Shit.

Fine.

I clearly feel...

As bad about this whole mix -up as you obviously do.

So don't.

I'll get you a tissue.

And... Or... Something.

That's an incontinence blood. Yeah, they're very absorbent.

I'm afraid, man.

It's just... No -one's ever done anything like this for me before.

It's like all my life, people have looked at me and said, you're not worth

Shit isn't bad, yeah?

It isn't nothing.

All my life, people have looked at me and said, you're just a bad person.

I said things about people, about women, that were just bang out of order.

For that, I apologise.

You called me on that, man.

What you've done has made me believe in people again.

I've got my life back and it's all because of you.

Call me.

I love you, man.

Honestly, I was gonna back out.

I know.

I was scared.

But then I went and talked to him.

And he loves me.

I've restored his faith in humanity.

You know, I realized back then that I want to do this more than anything else

the world.

You mean that, don't you? Timon was right. It is karma.

I'm meant to do this.

I'm meant to save his life.

A kid from the wrong side of the track.

Pulled back from the brink by his older, wiser, less heavily sexualized brother,

Ebony and Ivory, together in perfect harmony.

Right, let's whip that liver out. Kidney.

Shitting you again, Simon.

Christ, I'm not a hepatic surgeon.

If I were to operate on your liver, it'd be like watching a Tarantino film.

I don't mean Jackie Brown.

So, last chance to change your mind.

I want to do this.

Scalpel.

Are we supposed to turn him over?

Are we supposed to... Hi.

Hi.

Hi, are you all right?

Cut me open with a knife, but... Simon.

Can I just... Ooh.

Can I just say something?

Simon. I know the world thinks that I did this for a little tiny Lewis, but...

Actually, on one very important level, I did, but the real reason that I risked

my life to save him is because of you.

Hug. Lucy.

Simon. What I'm just going to say is that you're the reason.

It's all about you.

It's all about you. It's all about you.

It's all about you, baby.

No, Simon.

I love you.

Yes.

With all my heart.

And the one remaining kidney.

They didn't use your kidney.

What? They didn't operate.

It was cancelled last minute.

I'm still your hero, right?

Well... I was prepared to go through it all for him, which technically means

I've still made a sacrifice.

I'm just a hero with two kidneys.

I mean, I suppose you're... I am.

Sorry,

I don't know what it is. It's just not the same.

Bye. Look, Lucy, think about it. It's a thought that counts. Everyone knows

that. Lucy, it's like presents.

Lucy!

It's all about you, baby.

Right, so Tillman and I returned the ticket to its rightful owner.

However, before he had time to spend it, it got crushed by an ambulance.

Turns out that he was an organ donor and a better match than you, so they took

his right kidney and gave it to Lewis.

Don't know what they did with the other one.

That should be confusing, but it's actually pretty clear.

Karma saved you.

Right, back to work.

Come on.

For what it's worth, I think that took guts.

And? Is a gag the mistake, or what?

No, no gag.

Serious. Put real guts.

Just not kidneys.

So your date's definitely off, then?

Please don't pretend to be disappointed for me.

She's your match, you pitch you.

Basically, you can look at the pictures as much as you like, but you are never,

ever going up there.

I was up there, until I scared her with my love chat.

I'm McFly.

A racist banker gets crushed by a publicly funded emergency vehicle. A

kid gets a new kidney.

They are a perfect match.

And so you get to keep all your vital organs. That's worth three high fives.

Come on.

Boom. Boom.

Boom.

What will happen to the ticket?

That's not for us to know.

Same again.

For everyone!

You lot celebrating something?

Shh.

We found this.

This barrage type guy on the street.

He's a hell of a mess.

Long story short, we've all won the lottery!

The new and exclusive series Porters continues next Wednesday at 10, with

hospital misadventures for Simon. And if you can't wait that long, you can

always watch the next episode now with Dave's on -demand service, UKTV Play.

Next up, it's time to travel to another dimension with James Buckley on Zapped.