Original subtitles

Good morning.

Morning.

What time's your shoot?

Pardon?

Your modeling shoot.

I like the fake glasses and the newspaper.

I rocked that look for a while.

The glasses are real.

They allow me to spot jackasses before they get too close.

Yeah. Men are the worst. Am I right?

Hey, uh, listen, my name's Tyler.

And I don't want anything from you other than a smile.

And that's more like you're just ignoring me.

sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com

How goes the apartment search?

It is brutal out there.

Unless you're in the market for a fourth-floor walk-up

that is Cambodian-transvestite- prostitute-adjacent.

Well, at least you still got Amy's place, you know?

You can take your time and find the perfect bachelor pad.

When I was a kid,

the term "bachelor," it seemed so cool and adult.

And now it just sounds sort of depressing, you know?

Yeah, I wasn't really looking

to get into a conversation about this.

- Yo. - Hey, Gibbs.

What'd you say to me?

[Chuckles] Grumpy Gibbs! Where'd you come from?

From not getting enough sleep for the last two nights.

I've been hearing strange noises,

and I swear some of my furniture is being moved around.

I know this might sound crazy,

but I think my place is haunted.

Gibbs, you think everything is haunted.

Remember when he thought there was a poltergeist in his car,

and it just turned out to be some loose M&M's

rattling around the glove compartment?

But who put them there?

Gibbs, no offense to your Caribbean grandfather,

but just because he told you some old wives' tales

about a winnebago...

Wendigo!

[Spits, stomps foot]

Good morning, gentlefriends.

Milo? What are you doing?

Just working for the man.

No, you're not.

You quit, remember?

Oh, that.

Come on. You guys didn't really think I meant that, did you?

And I have never meant anything more in my entire life!

I was just blowing off a little steam.

Everybody knew I was coming back on Monday.

And if I try to walk through those doors on Monday,

so help me God...

Don't you dare let me back in.

Okay, I'll admit I may not have

thought things through completely.

Did you guys know you can't collect unemployment

if you quit?

- Yes. - Yes. - Yes.

And no one thought to give me that heads-up on Friday?

Uhhh...

Now, Milo, you understand, if you quit,

you can't go on unemployment.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Company man!

[Muttering]

In my defense...

I got nothing.

I already miss this place.

I miss the gumball machine.

I miss my desk.

I miss my lucky writing chair.

What about us?

You're in the mix.

We should probably go.

- Yeah. - Probably.

Yeah, you guys got to get back to work?

No.

You're just kind of bumming us out.

Staff meeting, bullpen... now.

- Milo. - Myron!

What are you doing here?

Well, I know I said some things on Friday, but...

I've given it some thought, and you'll be happy to know

I've decided to take my job back.

Hmm. That's wonderful.

Really? 'Cause you don't seem too excited.

Oh, I am.

In fact, your little speech has generated

an estimated 1.21 gigawatts of "I don't give a shit."

Pardon?

It's too late, Milo. You've already been replaced.

Everybody, I'd like you to meet our new feature writer,

Jude Cavanaugh.

How you doing?

Hey, I know her. She's a model.

Jude was most recently on staff at the Atlantic,

she's won too many journalism awards to mention.

And I'm not even sure how we managed to land her.

How did we?

Well, I thought writing about models and scotch

would be a nice change of pace

after covering famine and terrorist attacks.

Isn't she adorable?

Anyway, Jude's here to, uh, give us a woman's perspective,

write about female problems.

[Chuckling] Well, not those kind of female problems.

[Laughs]

Unless that's your thing. I don't want to censor you.

Wait... you're not here for a photo shoot?

You're a writer? How old are you?

Isn't "Jude" a man's name?

Just let him keep going. He'll tire himself out.

Wait... You two know each other?

Uh, yeah.

He and his cologne introduced themselves to me in the lobby.

Well, the joke's on you,

because it's just a scented body wash.

Besides, I'm not the one walking around with a fake newspaper.

I was reading the Wall Street Journal.

Uh-huh, through your "glasses"?

Do you have any idea what they're talking about?

Are you asleep?

Poltergeist!

Anyway, uh, this will be your desk.

Wait... you're giving her Milo's desk?

Who's Milo?

"Who's Milo?" [Scoffs]

You got a lot to learn around here, lady.

Milo's the guy who quit to go write his "novel."

But I wouldn't hold your breath

waiting for it to hit the "best seller list."

[Chuckles]

Because you'd die.

[Laughs]

Aah!

Is that what you think, Myron?

Let me tell you something.

I may have just had a moment of weakness in there,

but I have total confidence in my ability as a writer,

as an artist,

and as a man who can make a clean break from his past.

Uh, are you trying to steal your desk chair?

Does anybody really own a chair?

Yeah, and we own that one.

Fine.

Well, you can keep it.

And you know what else you can keep?

My ass, after you kiss it.

And then you can return it,

because that's something that you don't own.

And then, I'll have it back, and you'll have kissed it!

So ha ha!

Now, legally, I can't ask if you're single

or tell you that I am.

So I won't do either of those things.

Glad to hear it,

because I wrote the piece on workplace harassment

that led to the resignation of three congressmen.

Man.

That kind of moxie is a real turn-on for me.

Okay, Nancy Drew, hit me with the hard stuff.

Okay, well, recently the World Health Organization...

No. Next.

The NSA is tracking over a billion cellphones...

[Imitates telephone ringing]

What's that? The whole country's bored?

Me too!

[Receiver slams]

Okay.

So, how about this...

- The top 10... - Good start.

- Female... - Interested.

Appellate court judges.

Being naughty on spring break.

No.

Aw! So close!

Hey, boss, settle a bet.

Is Jessica Rabbit Mexican?

Uh, Tyler, perfect timing.

I was just trying to explain to Jude

that Full Steam's readers aren't actually readers.

You know, they're more of, uh, glancers, gawkers.

M-Myron, you hired me because you liked my body of work.

So, what... I'm just supposed to be writing

for the construction workers who hit on me

when I walk to work?

Hey! There's a story.

"Street hollas."

[Chuckles] I'm sorry?

That's when a guy tries to hit on, or "holla,"

at a woman on the street.

I love this idea.

Wait... so I'm just supposed to...

Now, go have fun with it, you know?

Consult your boyfriend, if you have a boyfriend.

And call me if you have any questions.

I'll be single.

I mean, I'll be around.

Okay, here's my concept. Try to stay with me.

You're Apolo Ohno,

the most decorated U.S. winter olympian in history.

You're just describing who I am.

Let's just agree to disagree.

Now, the rest of the concept, I call "Heidi."

Who's that?

Heidi.

Why is she in a bikini?

Well, she can't be naked.

It's a mainstream magazine, you speed demon.

This isn't what I was thinking.

How about this... I'm a role model,

and I promote healthy, active lifestyles

as a subway famous fan.

Relax. They're not here.

They're everywhere.

Eat fresh!

Heidi, take five.

Thank you.

Uh, listen, Apolo,

I'm trying to capture the excitement

of an elite competitor.

But without Heidi,

it's a just a picture of a guy with a soul patch

and freakishly large thighs.

I'm sorry, man.

I-I-I haven't been sleeping well, and...

You want some advice from my coach,

who used to help me when I was struggling?

I'd love that.

Just shut up and take the picture.

Hey.

Whatcha doing? Working on your article?

Actually, I'm working on your article.

Thanks for that.

Okay, I'm reading your body language,

and I'm listening to your mouth language,

and I'm sensing you're mad at me.

Why would I possibly be mad at you?

Because you stuck me with a hard-hitting piece about whistling?

Okay, look, I got you into this,

so how about I help you write the article?

Tyler, you are a very good-looking guy.

Thank you!

I'm not finished.

As a journalist, I've learned to read people.

Again, thank you.

Are you really that shallow?

You think I'm shallow?

I think you've skated by on your looks,

never really had to try.

What?! I try.

Name one thing you've worked really hard for.

[Scoffs]

Sophomore-year Lacrosse.

You think they just put me on the varsity team

because I'm pretty

and my grandma donated the stadium?

How much did you actually play?

I started every game my grandma was healthy enough to attend.

Milo: 3:32 P.M.

Beginning an oral record of the creation of my novel.

At the risk of sounding presumptuous,

I hope this holds some...

historical value for future generations

and also serve as vindication to those who have mocked me.

But first... a snack.

4:52 P.M.

Having spent the last hour digesting the eggs,

I am now ready to return to the creative state.

But first... a drink.

4:45.

Slim pickings on the tea front.

I'm going for the rum.

It worked for Hemingway.

[Breathes deeply]

Time of day unclear.

Note to future generations...

Eggs and rum... bad combo.

Hey, Jude?

[Chuckles]

Mm. Wow.

You are the first person to ever make that joke.

I was just gonna ask if I could turn on some music.

I suppose.

[Slow jazz music plays]

You like jazz?

It helps me get real.

Then maybe you should turn it up.

[Music stops]

Okay, now, where did I put my notes?

Oh. Maybe they're under one of these New Yorkers.

They really pile up when you subscribe.

Hey, I actually have a story in that one...

A profile on Percival Everett.

The point guard for the Knicks?

The author.

Oh, Percival.

Yeah, I mean, I've probably fallen behind a little bit,

what with my many hobbies.

I play on weekends with an idiot savant in New Jersey.

Hey.

What are you guys doing here so late?

Well, I'm working on a piece,

and Tyler is pretending he's an intellectual

because earlier, I called him shallow.

Nuh-unh!

What are you doing here?

Oh, I've come to steal the last parts of my chair.

What do you mean "last parts"?

[Metal clatters]

Thank you. That should save me some time.

Could have warned me you were dismantling your chair.

So you admit... It's mine.

Look, I don't know if you hate me

because you think I stole your job,

but for the record, what you're doing is really brave.

- It is? - It is?

Yeah, everybody says they want to write

the great American novel, but nobody ever does.

Well, some of them do.

There's a lot of books in the library. I'm just saying.

Well... thank you. I really appreciate that.

You had the guts to put your money where your mouth is.

You know who does that? A person with depth.

Damn it, Milo.

You can't just come moping through here

like some unkempt, artistic loser.

I can't compete with that.

That one was just for fun.

[Clanking]

[Clanking]

[Shakily] Who's there?

[Clears throat]

[Deep voice] Who's there?

Give me strength, pop pop.

Ahhhhhhh!

Aaaaah!

Oh, my God.

I killed Gibbs!

Hey. How's the book coming?

It's going pretty good.

Ever since I spoke to Jude earlier,

I feel like maybe I can do this, you know?

It's like a real writer thinks I'm a real writer.

Right. Well, what are you gonna do?

Am I shallow?

Of course you are.

No, I don't want to be.

Oh. Because of something that Jude said?

Yeah, man.

I mean, she's got

this smart and funny and kinda scary thing going on.

Like Anderson Cooper.

Oh, wow. So you're really into her?

Well, no, but that's the thing. It's not even sexual.

I just want her respect.

So, just lay it on me... Am I shallow?

[Breathes deeply]

Okay, how about this?

Take this apple.

I'm confused.

I haven't explained it yet.

Now, this apple listens to NPR,

goes to the opera, and reads the New Yorker.

What a dick.

Now, these bananas don't do any of those things.

They watch pro wrestling

and put ketchup on their spaghetti.

[Chuckles] Bananas.

And this orange?

This orange is you.

I got to be honest with you... I'm not a big citrus guy.

I'm trying to explain to you

that you're not as deep as the apple,

but you're a lot deeper than the bananas.

So... on a shallow scale, I'm like a solid "c"?

Maybe even a c-plus.

Sweet.

Thanks, Milo. I feel better.

Idea for chapter...

Wise intellectual helps a simpleton

understand the world around him.

What the hell are you doing in my apartment?

Same as you... Trying to go to bed.

Well, that makes perfect sense,

except you're in my apartment!

I haven't been able to sleep in my apartment

since my breakup.

And remember when you went out of town

and left me your keys so I could water your plants?

Well, I fell asleep on your couch, and I slept very well.

So I've snuck back in every night since then

and left in the morning before you woke up.

Glad that's behind us.

So, you've been sneaking in here every night

- and sleeping here without my knowledge? - Pretty much.

And I'm the weird one for believing in ghosts?

[Sighs] Gibbs, I'm sorry.

I was just too embarrassed to ask you if I could stay.

Neal, man up, go home, and face your fears.

I'll cook you breakfast in the morning.

Come on. You can do this.

Fine.

And, hey, I'm sorry I made you think

your place was really haunted.

And that there was some evil, dangerous, flesh-eating spirit

waiting to attack you as soon as you close your eyes.

Oh, look... It's a full moon.

Well, good night.

Wait.

I take my eggs over easy.

Gibbs! What happened?

Ugh. Walked into a door.

Oh, really?

Is that what they're calling Neal's fist these days?

We agreed we weren't telling anyone.

That's true.

But I did.

I mean, I'd never won a fight before.

It wasn't a fight!

Not much of one.

Milo, what are you even doing here?

Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss this.

Dude, don't be embarrassed.

Yeah, I-it could happen to anybody.

With a glass jaw.

Ha ha ha.

You're gonna be sorry.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,

but... probably today.

Hey, hey!

Be careful out there! Don't talk to strangers!

Yeah, keep your wallet in your bra!

[Laughs]

Jude, got your latest draft of this "Street hollas" piece.

And I got to say,

it is sophisticated, insightful, and complex.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

[Grunts]

- Now start over. - Pardon?

Listen, you have to adapt to the Full Steam way

if this is gonna work out.

H-have you even read our magazine, woman?!

Well, yeah, I-I...

- Myron, it's my fault. - What?

I was helping her write the article,

and I guess I got all thinky.

Helping and thinking?

Well, that doesn't sound like you.

It won't happen again.

See that it doesn't.

Now Jude has to do this all over again,

preventing her from going home

to any potential mate she may or may not have.

For God's sake, I'm single.

That's none of my business!

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Go ahead. You've earned your "I told you so."

Hey, it's all just apples and oranges and bananas.

You know what I mean?

I do not.

Look, you worked at serious magazines.

I get that.

But writing for Full Steam is a very specific style.

You got to grab the reader fast and then hold on to them.

It's not easy.

Okay.

So, help me?

All right. [Clears throat]

Let's see.

Okay, first of all, "lugubrious"... great word.

Don't ever use it again.

Just say "sad."

Actually, better yet, just say "happy."

Or how about "Ferrari, boobs, playstation"?

Now you're getting it.

[Chuckling] Okay.

Look, I'm sorry I called you shallow.

And what about my hair?

I didn't say anything about your hair.

Exactly.

Did you hear I, uh... beat up a guy?

Get out.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Knocked him out.

[Chuckling] Wow!

Yeah, one punch.

I felt like "Iron" Michael Tyson.

Tell me what happened.

Okay, so, there I was, minding my own business,

and this dude comes up out of nowhere.

Were you scared?

No time to be scared. It was just instinct.

Ahhhhhh!

Aaah!

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