Original subtitles

Hey.

- Hey - want to grab a bite?

Can't. I'm meeting Sasha.

Who's Sasha?

She is this awesome, incredibly sexy woman

I've been dating the past few weeks.

Well, why haven't I heard about her?

Well, I didn't want to say anything

'cause, you know, you just got dumped.

So, why are you telling me now?

Because I forgot all about that until just this moment.

Here you go. Ohh. Coffee cake.

No, no! It's not for you guys. It's for Myron.

Then why don't you just give it to him?

Because it has to seem like it's for you guys.

Otherwise, it looks like I'm kissing the boss's ass.

Which you are.

No, I'm not. I'm just being respectful.

You've been greeting him with "hello, handsome."

Again... respectful.

And then you try to hug him at the end of the day.

Okay, guys, the truth is,

I've been getting the vibe that Myron doesn't like me.

Shh, shh. Here he comes.

I just got back from a seminar

on how to trick your employees into working harder

with meaningless incentives, so guess what.

We're gonna have a contest, and the winner gets a plaque.

How dumb do you think we are?

What kind of a plaque?

Ooh! Who brought the coffee cake?

I did!

Not a fan.

You're talking about the coffee cake, right?

You see what I'm saying?

I wouldn't read too much into that.

Hey, Tyler, did you bring these doughnuts?

- No. - Great.

Goodbye, handsome!

Boys, you all remember Selena.

Ah, yes... From P.J.'S wedding.

Gibbs said you were in town for the week.

I didn't hear that.

I was trying to spare your feelings,

since you recently got dumped.

Then why are you bringing her to the office?

Because I forgot... Until just this moment.

So, guys, what's new?

- Other than Neal getting dumped? - Hey!

Which I just realized I'm not supposed to mention.

Well, I've been trying a new beard softener.

Do you want to touch?

Is that an American thing?

No, it is not!

Wow. It's... it's like a fuzzy bunny's bottom.

So, I better run. I've got to see a location uptown.

Yeah, she's thinking about

opening a restaurant in the States.

So, I'll see you later for dinner

and maybe some dessert?

[ Chuckling ] Ohh.

Hoo! You are a lucky man, Gibbs.

We get along so great.

I'm telling you,

I've never met a woman I'm so in sync with.

Sounds serious.

It's not!

That's the best part!

She knows I'm not looking for anything serious.

Neither is she.

It's perfect!

What?

No.

sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com

We don't just sell any candles. They're soy candles.

We use all-natural ingredients and lead-free wicks.

Wow.

You know, you could soy anything,

and I'd find it interesting.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, girl!

Didn't think I'd run into you here.

Oh, this is so funny.

Milo, this is Dylan.

Hey. Nice to meet you.

You too.

That dress is fabulous. Is it new?

Yeah.

It's got a great cut,

and it makes your boobs look amazing.

Right?

Yeah, amazing.

[ Chuckles ]

Are you our waitress?

You're funny.

[ All chuckle ]

I got to run.

Okay. Bye.

That's my business partner.

Ah. Yes.

She's... very hands-on.

Well, she's also my ex.

Sweet.

Not sweet.

Why not?

My girlfriend is still friends with another beautiful girl

whom she used to have sex with.

How could this be a bad thing?

Look, I know very little about women...

Almost nothing.

Even I know that this won't end well.

What are you talking about?

If the movies I've been watching are correct,

this is going to end great.

[ Scoffs ]

Like you've ever made it to the end.

Okay, one, this is real life,

and two, she works with her ex

and they're clearly still flirtatious.

It's not what you think. They run a candle shop together.

- Ohh! [ Laughs ] - Oh, my... oh, my God!

Milo, it's about boundaries.

Imagine if her ex was a good-looking dude,

like, I don't know... Ryan Phillippe.

That's really specific.

"Cruel intentions" was on cable last night.

Ryan Phillippe it is.

Hey, girl!

I didn't think I'd run into you here.

[ Chuckles ] This is funny.

Milo, this is Dylan.

Hey. Nice to meet you.

You too.

That dress is fabulous. Is it new?

Yeah.

I love the cut.

It makes your boobs look amazing.

[ Chuckles ]

Right?

So amazing.

Are you our waitress?

You're funny.

I got to run.

Admit it... not so innocent with a dude, right?

Well, now I'm just imagining Ryan Phillippe everywhere.

Been there.

I don't know what I mean, either.

Whatever. I'd much rather deal with a girl ex than a guy ex.

You got it all wrong.

You don't want to mess with a same-sex ex.

Before you know it, they'll be having same-sex-ex sex.

Come on.

Look, I happen to trust Sasha, okay?

Things are going great, and I don't want to ruin it

by acting all jealous.

Yeah, but think about this.

Dylan can go anywhere with Sasha,

and it won't seem weird... The bathroom, the spa,

the department-store changing room.

I know almost nothing about women's changing rooms,

and even I know what goes on in there.

O-okay, I don't know.

But I bet it's beautiful.

Wow. That was incredible.

Amazing. I know.

[ Chuckles ]

You know what I'm thinking right now?

You're thinking you want to put on the Knicks game,

but you're worried it'll hurt my feelings.

Don't worry. It won't.

It's like I dreamed you.

It's just, uh, it's a big game tonight. They're playing the Spurs.

No, Spurs is tomorrow. Tonight's Dallas.

And the Rangers are playing the flyers,

but let's be real... no one gives a shit about hockey.

You're perfect.

You get me, I get you.

It's like we always know what the other person's thinking.

- Gibbs? - Yeah?

Will you marry me?

Until now.

I'm getting married!

- What? - Selena asked me, and I said yes.

Gibbs, married? Seriously?

Relax. It's just a business transaction.

What do you mean?

Well, she found a place for her restaurant.

If I marry her, she can get a green card.

That sounds like a terrible idea.

You're just mad 'cause I gave you advice

about your lesbian.

She's not currently a lesbian.

She's retired.

Gibbs, you do have a great thing going with Selena.

Why would you jinx it?

I'm not jinxing anything.

Anything.

Jinx! Buy me a coke.

Not a good time. Got it. My bad.

Look, it's not gonna change anything with Selena.

I'm just doing her a favor. There's nothing more to it than that.

Okay, so, what happens next time you're on a date with a woman

and she asks if you're seeing anybody else?

I'll say, "I don't see how that's any of your business."

Besides, if I'm dating someone

who's all uptight about me having a wife,

then I'm clearly not with the right woman.

Woman! Jinx!

Aw, you guys suck.

Myron: Okay, my turn.

Would you rather have

dwarf strength or hobbit courage?

I got to go with hobbit courage.

Plus, dwarves are stubborn and drink too much.

[ Chuckling ] Yeah! Where do they put it all?

[ Both laugh ]

[ Laughs ]

"Put it all."

Well, party's over.

No, Myron, wait.

Um, have you heard of this place

called the Pinnacle Room down in Soho?

Miley Cyrus was there last week

wearing just a football helmet and a diaper.

No.

Well, I'm on the list tonight, plus one. You want to come?

- That sounds great. - Really?

Yeah. You can pick me up in your douche-mobile.

[ Chuckles ]

Like I'd really go somewhere with Joffrey.

[ Laughs ]

"Joffrey"?

So, not only does he hate me, he doesn't even know my name?

It's from "Game of Thrones."

Is that the show with the boobs and the dragons?

Joffrey's, like, the most-hated character.

He's the current ruler of the seven kingdoms,

having claimed the Iron Throne after Robert Baratheon...

Neal, I can totally appreciate

how many words you're using right now...

But it's all bells and buzzers up here.

Just tell me why the guy doesn't like me.

I don't know. Why do you care so much?

Because everybody likes me. It's a known fact.

It's on my wiki page.

So the entire world has to love you?

Man, you're insecure.

No, I'm not.

Are people saying that?

That's right, Nana. I'm getting married.

No. Married!

She's a little hard-of-hearing,

but she couldn't be more thrilled for me.

Huh?

It's Gibbs.

Gibbs!

Did you know Gibbs is inviting relatives

to his fake wedding?

Yeah. I know. It's a little weird.

He made me go cake-tasting.

Let's just say we have very different views on buttercream.

So, how did your date with Sasha go last night?

Oh, she had to cancel. It was a work thing.

Oh, a work thing, hmm?

Yep. It happens.

It happens, hmm?

Tyler, they work in a candle shop.

What could they possibly be doing in there?

What are candles made of?

Hot wax.

Stop it, all right? You're just mad because the boss hates you.

You're just mad because your girlfriend's a lesbian.

Who works with her ex.

Her same-sex ex

with whom she used to have pre-ex-same-sex sex.

How long did that one take you?

Oh, my God. I thought of it yesterday.

But I didn't really nail it until just now.

Whoo! That came together nicely.

Are you sure this will work?

Look, you want to bond with Myron,

you got to enter his world.

Now, I've got all 30 hours of "Game of Tthrones."

Can't you just sort of sum it up?

Tyler, it's a complex tapestry

of mythology and political intrigue.

Can't you just sort of sum it up?

Do you want to connect with your boss or not?

Yes. Okay.

But there better be more boobs than dragons.

Or boobs on dragons.

Dragon boobs.

[ Sweeping music playing ]

[ Imitates sword slicing ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Music continues ]

[ Music stops ]

Okay. I'm ready.

I was gone for 15 minutes.

Yeah, I just watched the "previously on" parts.

No, that is not enough to understand

the complex tapestry of mythology and...

Look, I figure if I get stuck,

I'll just pretend my phone is ringing.

That will never work.

Oh, you'd be surprised what people will...

Oh.

I got to take this.

Oh. Sorry.

Gibbs, are you here?

Take it in.

Remember to breathe.

Wait... you're not gonna wear that tomorrow?

You're afraid I'm gonna steal focus? I understand.

That's why I got you... This.

Ooh!

Ahhhhhh!

You got me a wedding dress?

How did you get my measurements?

You're a surprisingly sound sleeper.

I mean, I wasn't gonna dress up.

I don't even have shoes to go with that.

Ooh!

Ahhhhh!

Don't you think we'll be a little overdressed for the courthouse?

Actually, I was thinking

we'd use the rooftop of this building.

There's a flower garden, the view is spectacular,

and there'll be room for all our guests.

- Guests? - We only need two witnesses.

Then... who's gonna enjoy the tower of shrimp?

Okay, who are you, and what have you done with Gibbs?

Look, you know the government checks up on this stuff.

We got to make it look real.

Yeah, but it doesn't have to be real.

I know that, but...

I don't see myself ever actually getting married,

so I figured if this is my only wedding,

why not make it a great one?

I guess that makes sense.

Same old Gibbs?

Same old Gibbs.

Now, about the reception...

Are you allergic to doves?

Gibbs: Imagine if her ex was Ryan Phillippe.

[ Slow music plays ]

Milo?

What are you doing here?

Oh. Hey.

You know, just wanted to see what you do.

Always wondered how candles got made.

Well... now you know.

Yes. Yes, I do.

Certainly an intimate process, huh?

[ Chuckles ]

Some might even say "erotic."

From a... retail point of view.

[ Clicks tongue ]

Milo, you don't have a problem

with Dylan and I working together, do you?

Absolutely. Not.

I... oh, no. Absolutely not.

Oh, okay, good. Because jealousy is a real turnoff for me.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Hey, babe, I think he needs one of our trust candles.

Oh, great idea.

It's made from a mold of Dylan and me holding hands.

[ Chuckling ] Oh.

Of course it is.

We'll even give you a 10% discount.

That will be...$78.

For a candle?

You can't put a price on trust.

I think you just did.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'll give you that 20 bucks the next time I see you.

Sure I'll remember.

Dude, I'm like the Lannisters... I always pay my debts.

Okay. Bye.

You're a.. A "Game of Thrones" fan?

Oh, hells yeah. G.O.T.... you know me.

Really?

W-w-what'd you think when Sansa got engaged to Tyrion?

Totally blew my mind.

Pwwwow!

I see.

And what'd you think of the red wedding?

Pfft! It was gorgeous.

Gorgeous?

It was a bloodbath.

I know, right?

So pretty, with all that red.

If you're really a fan,

what body part was cut off of Theon Greyjoy?

Finger?

Wrong! The answer is penis!

Damn it, Myron, why don't you like me?!

You want to know why?

Because I know your type, you cobra kai.

You're just like all the good-looking jocks

that made my life hell growing up.

Look, I think it sucks if you got wedgied

by the quarterback in school, but that's not me.

I never made fun of anyone.

Except for those weird swing-dancing kids, but come on.

Well, yeah. They had it coming.

But high school's over.

And look at us now.

You're the boss.

You're the most powerful guy in the office.

And I'm the guy watching dragon porn,

trying to get you to like me.

Ah, please.

"Game of Thrones" and dragon porn

are two totally different things.

My point is, you're on top, Myron.

You're up here, and I'm down here.

The war's over. You won.

I never thought about it like that.

I'm a winner.

Damn right you are.

So, friends?

I don't know.

Respectful colleagues?

Warmer.

Two people who know the other guy exists?

Forever.

And you did all this

just so Selena can stay in the country?

And for my Nana.

She's been waiting for this moment a long time.

But it's not real.

Don't tell her that.

She's paying for most of it.

Hi, Nana!

Hey.

Milo. Sasha.

Gentlemen.

This is Sasha's ex-girlfriend, Dylan.

I thought I'd invite them both to the wedding

because they work together, and I think that's super.

Listen, thank you for the candles. They're beautiful.

They should be. They were made with love.

And really hot wax.

Oh!

[ Both chuckle ]

[ Laughing nervously ]

[ Chuckles ]

Huh?

Oh. Um, yeah, I'm coming.

Boy, look at this.

Amazing view and all of our friends around.

You know, this really is a dream wedding.

Except, you know... It's fake.

For the last time, it's not fake!

I mean... It is, but... it's not.

You know what I mean?

No idea.

Do you know what you mean?

Yes!

No. I don't know.

What's your point, Neal?

You know, Gibbs, you're a romantic guy.

Your brain might be telling you that this is all fake,

but I think your heart is telling you something else.

Gibbs, check it out.

You look incredible.

Thanks. So do you.

Really incredible.

You said that already.

Is everything okay?

Yes.

No.

[ Sighs ]

Stupid Neal!

Gibbs? What's going on?

I don't think I can do this. It just doesn't feel right.

What do you mean, "feel right"? It's a green-card wedding.

I know, but somewhere along the way,

it started to feel real.

But you said you never saw yourself getting married.

I know, but I think planning this wedding

brought up feelings I never knew I had.

Now I'm starting to think that maybe someday

I would like to get married.

When that day comes, I don't want it to be fake.

Why do you still look so happy?

Because my Nana is watching.

So, I guess this messes up your green card.

Oh, please... You really think

you're the only guy I can get to fake-marry me?

Are you mad at me?

Honestly, I'm a little relieved.

You were starting to freak me out

with all your cake-tasting and seating charts.

So, we're good? Same old us?

Do you promise to stop measuring me in my sleep?

I do.

Then yes... Same old us.

Ohh! [ Chuckles ]

You know, we still have this place for two more hours.

What say we turn this fake wedding into a real party?

I like the way you think.

Sorry, everyone. It looks like the wedding's off.

Oh. That's a shame.

I mean, I already cashed the check, so...

Anybody else want to get married?

Actually...

Milo, when you left the store yesterday,

Dylan and I started talking about how jealous you seemed,

and we wondered if you were picking up on something,

so we lit a communication candle,

talked it out,

and realized that we're still in love.

Dylan, will you marry me... Right here, right now?

Yes! I will!

[ Chuckles ]

Now will you admit this is a problem?

[ Dance music plays ]

Hey, that girl's cute. Should I talk to her?

That's Sasha, the woman who dumped you.

Ah.

Oh. What about that one?

That's Dylan, the woman she dumped you for.

How many drinks have you had?

Quite a few.

Are you here with anyone?

So, your grandson didn't get married,

but the two nice ladies did!

They run a candle shop!

You're right! We should have seen that coming!

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