Original subtitles

Hey. Did you see this e-mail?

Looks like they finally found a new editor-in-chief.

Wait. We haven't had a boss this entire time?

Why have I even been showing up?

Tyler, they've been interviewing people for over a month.

Do you not read any of the work e-mails?

Well, I will now that we have a boss.

Does anyone follow Amy on Instagram?

No. I blocked her as soon as she dumped Neal.

I only follow three people on Instagram...

the Dalai Lama, Ryan Gosling, and Sideboob daily.

Well, Amy just posted a photo of her in a hot tub

with some tattooed guy named Kevin.

" beforethingsgotcray."

Oh, they should post that on Sideboob daily.

Poor Neal... he dates this woman for five years,

proposes, she says "no."

And a month later, she's getting wet and wild

with some second-rate Adam Levine.

You think Neal saw it?

[Slurring] T.G.I.Hi!

That's where that goes!

Neal, how's it going?

Never. Better.

sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com

Neal, listen, man. You don't need to be here, huh?

- Why don't you just go home? - Why?

All that's left for me at home is an empty box of wine

and a pair of Amy's socks I found under the couch.

She had such tiny feet.

Feet that I once swept her off of,

back when she thought that I was her hero.

Hey, hey! There's still a hero there.

You just got to look inside yourself and find him.

Are you quoting Mariah Carey?

Look, we got to go to this staff meeting,

so why don't you just lay low and sleep it off, okay?

Yeah. Here, buddy. Take these, all right? You'll thank me later.

Thanks, guys.

I'm just gonna... I'm gonna lay low

and try and keep my mind off Amy.

Okay. Good.

[Cellphone chimes]

How did Amy's photo get on Sideboob daily?

You think he's gonna be a screamer

or more of the passive-aggressive type?

What makes you so sure it's a he?

Yeah, that's racist.

Look at this stuff. This place is Geektopia.

[Chuckles] Sure got a lot of action figures

for a guy who probably doesn't get any action.

[Both chuckle]

So, our new boss is either a 4-year-old boy

or a 40-year-old virgin.

Either way, his mom's probably just relieved

he moved out of her basement.

[Laughter]

[Laughs]

Hey, there, fella.

[Laughing] You guys are hilarious.

Excuse me for a second.

All right, everyone. Let's get this meeting started.

[Treadmill beeps] All right.

So, you're asking yourself,

"is this a fitness expert in front of me?"

[Chuckles] No.

No, my name is Myron Sterbakov,

and I'm your new editor-in-chief.

Do you think he heard everything we just said?

Oh, and, for the record, my mother lives with me.

So, I'm what you might call a "turnaround expert."

I get brought in

to save struggling publications like full steam.

Struggling? I thought the magazine was doing fine.

What are you basing that on?

Ignorance.

I've run 7 magazines in 10 years.

Five of them are now profitable,

and the two that aren't were both about model trains,

so how is that my fault?

Hey, breakfast club.

[Treadmill beeps] You want to save it for study hall?

Sorry.

All right, since we're in such a chatty mood,

one of you want to tell me who said this?

"You really have to take your time

and make smart decisions."

Winston Churchill?

Ah, close.

No, those words were spoken by one Mr. Chris O'Donnell.

The actor?

And the voice of this generation.

That's why I keep this guy around.

- Captain Morgan? - Puss in boots?

Elton John?

[Laughs] No.

This is the actual "Three Musketeers" costume

that Mr. O'Donnell wore

in the 1993 classic of the same name.

T-the point is, it's all about making

the right decisions, plus a little...

A-magic!

What the hell is happening?

I love this little guy.

[Laughing] Right.

That's enough boss talk for now.

Back to work.

Oh, gosh. [Laughing] One more thing.

By the end of the day, one of you will be fired.

A-bum-bum-bum!

[Laughter]

I'm actually not kidding.

Yeah, I'm gonna need a paragraph from each of you

justifying your job.

The weakest one loses.

He can't just fire somebody on the first day, can he?

Something on your mind, chin sweater?

I was saying, sir,

um, maybe it feels a little harsh

to just fire somebody off of a paragraph.

You think?

Well, then, maybe I should just fire the cool kids

that were talking in the back of the room.

Paragraphs are great. Can't wait to start mine.

I'm gonna write the shit out of this.

[Sighs] If he does fire someone,

I hope it's Brian.

Who's Brian?

He works in accounting. I hate him.

He wears a pocket watch.

That's it?

That's enough.

He's always pulling it out like he's some kind of

train conductor from the 1800s.

Talking about Brian?

[Claps] All right, Neal, time to shake it off, huh?

We got to write a paragraph.

Neal.

Wow, he's really out. How much did he have?

I don't know.

Like, a box of wine and some Tylenol.

Uh-oh.

What? This is Tylenol pm.

Wow. My bad.

Okay, okay. Look at the label.

- How long do two of these things last? - Four.

- Four hours? - Four pills.

You gave him four pills?

Okay, six.

I'm not a doctor!

Neal! Neal! You got to wake up!

So many squirrels.

All right, forget it. We can fix this.

You're writers. We can just justify his job for him.

[Sighs]

- Guys? - Yeah.

What does Neal do for the magazine?

Um...

Marketing? Markets?

Isn't it... isn't it something with numbers?

Does he deliver the magazine to the markets?

I don't think a delivery guy has his own office.

You think? Or you know?

I don't know if I care for your tone.

I don't know if I care if you care for my tone.

Guys! You know, if you could read above a kindergarten level

we wouldn't be in this situation.

Your beard is starting to look ironic.

- You son of a bitch! - Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

We're trying to save Neal's job, remember?

Fine. Fine. Okay, maybe there's something

- in his desk that'll tell us. - Yeah.

- Got anything? - I got a bunch of soy-sauce packets...

And a screenplay Neal wrote called "Skate witches."

As in witches who skate?

I'd go see that.

Okay, we can't write this paragraph.

Someone needs to convince Myron not to fire anybody.

- Absolutely. - Go to it.

- Why me? - 'Cause he likes you.

He let you talk,

and he called you "chin sweater."

That is not a compliment.

Are you kidding? It's nothing but.

And he's not wrong. Your beard is magnificent.

Are you guys just trying to flatter me

into going and talking to Myron for you?

Are you kidding?

We wouldn't do that, you handsome devil.

Knock, knock.

Um, sir, I wanted to talk to you

about what you said in the meeting.

[Laughs] Okay, I'll tell you the truth.

The coin wasn't actually in my ear.

[Laughs]

No, um, I-I was thinking about who you should fire.

A rat in the house. Interesting.

No. Sorry, that's not how I meant that.

Don't apologize. It shows weakness.

Now, what can I help you with, snitchy?

I had a thought.

How about you don't fire anybody.

But instead, you throw some kind of a party?

You mean 'cause firing someone isn't fair.

Yes, exactly.

It's not meant to be fair.

It's meant to scare.

Because fear is the best motivator.

It drives people, makes them work harder.

My methods may seem crazy to some,

but they are very effective.

I'm sure that they are. I...

Don't kiss my ass. That's worse than apologizing.

Sorry, sir.

Shit. I just did both.

Um... Okay, here's an idea.

How about instead of scaring people for a day,

you scare them for a whole year?

So, you're saying study the staff,

really get inside their heads, and then whack!

Exactly.

But don't forget about the "whole year" part.

[Laughs] Good news.

I got Myron to hold off on firing anyone.

Way to go, you sexy bitch.

Yeah, how did you do it?

Oh, I can just read people.

Some say it's a gift. I just wish I could teach it.

Hey, hey!

[Laughing] Hey, guys!

Hey! Hey!

Wow, I like the snap to attention.

It's a little formal, but I deserve it.

Okay, new plan. No more paragraphs.

Yeah, I was just telling him. Yeah, instead,

I'm gonna meet the entire staff one at a time, face-to-face,

and smoke out the loser by the end of the day.

That had nothing to do with anything I just said...

oh, and great idea, Milo!

This was all him.

This is impressive, Gibbs.

Thank you. However...

According to my projections, we would save 24%

by outsourcing all of our photo work,

so I just have one question for you, Mr. Photo-grapher.

Why should I not fire you?

Wow. Okay.

Well, it's not just about costs.

Mm-hmm.

It's about quality.

And I put passion and talent to every frame I snap.

Boom! Who's that?

Me likey.

Oh, that's Debbie. She's great.

She'll actually be here next week. I can introduce you.

Job justified.

Really?

Yes, sir!

Great. [Laughs]

All right.

Listen, tell, uh, Neal Bradford

that his one-on-one is next when I get back from lunch.

No problem. Oh, hey!

Hey!

Oh. Yeah.

[Inhales sharply]

That's an interlocking high five.

That's the most powerful high five there is.

That's a contract.

Yes, sir.

Can we let go now?

Shh.

It'll tell us.

How's Neal?

He's coming around.

Tyler's getting him some energy drink,

and I'm getting food for when he wakes up.

Why aren't you with Neal?

It's okay. I told him to take

five of those energy drinks every hour.

Don't you mean one energy drink every five hours?

You know what?

From now on, you guys handle all the medicine.

Oh.

I can't help but think that this is partly my fault.

Hey, N-Neal, how you doing, buddy?

Great. Never better. I think I finally got the flow of this place.

It's good. It's good. It's okay.

You know what? I don't like it. I don't like it.

Uh, you up for an interview, buddy?

Oh, you bet,

'cause I looked in the mirror

and I am a hero, just like you said.

Or you said. One of you said it.

I can get over Amy! I can do it!

There's nothing to it but to do it!

But first, I got to pee.

Probably shouldn't pee here, though.

Okay, well, he's not in the bathroom. He's not in the lobby.

We got to find him before Myron gets back.

Who are we talking about?

- Oh, my God. - Neal?

Neal, you got to take that off.

No!

Because I am a hero.

Neal.

N-no.

Okay, you guys saw that, too, right?

Hey, boys. My lunch got canceled.

So now I'm looking for Neal Bradford. You seen him?

Oh, who hasn't seen that guy? He's everywhere.

Yeah. Gettin' it done.

Handling his biz-nass. Yeah.

He's probably working.

Well, I've already spoken with the coolest Hawaiian guy

I have ever met...

H.R. Puff n' scruff here.

[Chuckles]

So, looks like you're up, Malibu Barbie.

[Clicks tongue]

We're gonna go look for Neal.

You keep Myron in that meeting as long as possible.

How do you suggest I do that?

Just get him to talk about himself.

And if all else fails, mention Chris O'Donnell.

Got it. Who is that?

Really?

I just can't win with you today.

I know you.

Yes. I'm Tyler Mitchell.

I've been the senior associate features writer for...

[laughing] No, no, no.

I know your type.

Let me guess.

You won a couple of local beauty pageants

and thought you'd go pro, but, uh, you didn't count on

lady puberty stealing your pretty.

But deep down inside, you still want all eyes on you.

Am I in the ballpark?

Well, I wouldn't say I want all the eyes on me.

[Bangs table] Look at me!

Thought so. [Chuckles]

And what would you say you bring to this magazine?

Hmm, that's a good question.

Uh, uh...

Chris O'Donnell!

Go on.

Go on.

I was thinking we could work him into a feature.

"Best Chris O'Donnell movie."

Good luck.

That's like picking your favorite rainbow.

But job justified.

Hey, hit me with a high five, huh?

[Inhales sharply]

Do you know what that is?

It's an interlocking...

an interlocking high five. That's right.

We're locked in.

Okay, that one's on the house.

Now, get gone, my little worker bee,

and send in Neal Bradford.

I'm starting to think he's ducking me.

[Sighs]

It's okay, pal.

Everyone gets a crazy day every now and then.

I just... I-I saw that picture with Amy, and...

I understand.

So why don't we all just calm down,

we talk this through.

And... now!

Guys! Myron's on his way!

Guys! Myron's here!

What the hell is going on here?

I can explain this. I'm listening.

We...

Like to put on plays after lunch.

Yesterday, we did "Les Mis."

I was Hugh Jackman.

Is this true?

He was a revelation. [Chuckles]

[Sighs] It's okay.

I got this, guys.

Hello, Myron. I'm Neal Bradford.

Hello, Neal Bradford. You're up.

Justify your job.

Seriously? Right now? Like this?

I'm not saying it won't be an uphill battle.

I've been having a lot of personal issues

that I won't bore you with, but the fact is,

I can't even justify my life, let alone my job,

so if you're looking for someone to fire,

you couldn't do much better than me.

No. Neal, wait. This is all my fault.

I accidentally drugged him,

and it had a much stronger effect

because he came to work drunk.

Good job.

Thanks, Tyler, but, uh...

This is my fight.

Okay, Neal. You're out of here.

I guess I'll clean out my desk.

[Clears throat] Neal, hang on.

Myron, let me tell you a little something

about this guy, okay?

Up until a month ago, he had a great relationship,

a nice apartment, decent self-esteem,

and this job.

And you know what he has right now?

Nothing.

Where are you going with this?

You say fear motivates people.

You know what else motivates people?

Emptiness.

And this guy has nothing.

Except this job, which he does well,

whatever it is.

- I'm in charge of... - Neal, not now.

He will dedicate himself to this job 100%,

and do you want to know why?

Because he has absolutely nothing else.

We got it.

So, uh, let me get this straight.

You want me to keep him because he's dedicated.

You want me to keep him because you drugged him?

And you... You're sticking with the play thing?

I am.

And you know what?

If you fire Neal, you have to fire all of us.

Sort of wish you would have checked with me first.

But, uh... Yeah.

You know what?

You're lying.

You say this guy's got nothing. Well, that's simply not true.

He's got you guys.

The three musketeers!

[Chuckling] You guys stick up for each other!

Well, and that kind of gets me in my lady gut.

[Chuckles]

Neal, you're lucky guy to have friends like these.

I know. [Chuckles] All right.

I'm gonna give you guys a second-chance groupon.

But it's going to expire at some point,

and you'll never know when.

I don't really know how groupon works.

So you're not gonna fire anybody?

[Laughing] Oh, no.

I said I was going to, and I am.

I just saw some jackass with a pocket watch.

W-we don't need that around here.

[Laughs]

Now, bring them in and lock him up!

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

Oh!

When will this be ov...

shh!

It'll tell us.

Guys, I can't say "thank you" enough.

I mean, you saved me today, and I owe you.

Nah. You'd have done the same for us.

I don't think I would have drugged you.

I'm just glad the day is over.

Yeah, but Myron's still gonna be here tomorrow.

Well, we can always look at the bright side.

What possible bright side is there?

What's up, four broke girls? Check it out.

Guess who's got a meeting with the new boss man?

Pocket watch Brian.

[Singsong voice] That's who.

Pow!

So, who are we gonna hate now?

Oh, there's always that guy who looks like a girl. Who's that?

Seriously, you guys, who is that?

No, who is it?

Hey, guys?

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