Original subtitles

Uh-huh.

Oh, oh, vacation beard.

- I'm saying. - All right.

Uh-o-o-o-oh!

Well, well!

Uh-huh.

- Oh, hell no. - Oh, what?

- Where's the, uh... - Just won't grow here.

- All right, back to work. - Right you are.

Whoa. Quick beard hug?

Yes, please.

Get in here, then! Come on!

Hey. Uh-huh.

- I actually don't like that. - It felt wrong right away.

Season 3, Episode 1 "Pre-Posal"

Synced by Reef www.addic7ed.com

I will only say this... We met over Christmas break,

had a beautiful adventure, and her name might rhyme with... Rihanna.

Nothing rhymes with Rihanna.

- I've said too much. - What? How do you do that?

How do you just, like, make that kind of thing happen?

Three words... "Sa-mu-rai."

You mean syllables. It's pronounced samurai.

A samurai visualizes a goal and makes it a reality.

It's all about focus and mental toughness.

And people are drawn to that kind of energy.

Yeah, I need that kind of energy.

You know, you go to a bar, you end up eating caviar on a speedboat.

I go to a bar, I end up in another bar wishing I'd never left the first bar.

- Because your life feels aimless... - Aimless.

- Like you're just going in circles. - Circles.

Like you're just a tiny robot pushing buttons in a furry meat suit.

All right, take it easy.

A samurai never pulls any punches.

You know the samurai are all dead, right?

Are they?

Yes.

Are they?

Yes.

Huh, I didn't know that.

- Hey. - Hey.

- I found a hair. - [ Scoffs ] Well, now I can't eat it.

No, on me. It was a gray hair.

Not there.

I'm not wearing a skirt.

Guys, until now, I was growing stronger, healthier, better.

But last night, it became official. I'm starting... To die.

By "meat suit", do you mean my body?

- Big news. - Ooh.

- You guys ready? - Yeah.

I'm gonna ask Amy to marry me.

- Get out of here! - Whoa.

Yeah, we were having dinner in this little caf? in the Village,

when I realized we've been together for five years.

You know, we love each other. It's time to make it official.

Good for you, brother!

- Ah! To Neal and Amy. - To Neal and Amy.

- So, did P.J. give his blessing? - Who's that, now?

- P.J.... Amy's dad, your current boss. - The man who hates you.

- "Hate" is a strong word. - It is accurate.

That is why I've decided to just skip the whole "get the dad's blessing" thing.

Neal, you're gonna spend your whole life afraid of your father-in-law?

Not my whole life. Just his whole life.

Well, you know, maybe you'll get lucky and the news will kill him.

Fingers crossed!

P.J.'s here.

- What? Are you sure? - Saw people running.

Which means he's in the building.

Hey, this is your chance to ask for his blessing.

- Now? - Now. Don't think about it. Just do it.

Whew. Right.

Seems like that snack time is from Friday to February around here.

Cancel snack time.

- P.J.! Sir, may I have a word? - Sure. Here's a word... "Goodbye."

Where am I?

- New York. - Right.

I think he's starting to like you.

The decline continues. I've passed the tipping point of my life.

- Tyler, it was one gray hair. - But now I'm noticing other stuff.

Like, last night, I got a headache after two glasses of wine.

This morning, I forgot my gym-locker combination.

And an hour ago, I said, "the Facebook."

Is that not how you say it?

Don't you get it? My youth is all I have.

- Gibbs, you're confident and articulate. - Samurai.

Milo, you've got your wit and your sweaters.

And, Neal, you tricked a beautiful girl into loving you.

Aww.

But for me, this is proof that my best days are behind me!

- Is that your little, gray... - Why would you save that?

Because I'm old and nothing makes sense anymore!

First little gray guy South of the border? Plucked it and bagged it? I get that.

Gibbs...

I want to be a samurai.

You're not ready.

I am ready. I want your mental toughness.

I wanna focus and reclaim my life.

Nope.

Please, Gibbs. I'm desperate, okay?

Last night, I organized my toiletries by weight.

- I don't even know what that means. - It means that I need help.

All right.

But I warn you,

this is a dangerous journey that begins at the heart

and ends in the soul.

You must agree to follow me blindly and do as I say.

No questions asked.

- Well, what if I have to go... - Man, I just said "No questions"!

Right. Sorry.

I shall follow you blindly. No more questions.

Then it begins.

Follow me.

- Where are we going? - Oh, my God. You suck at this.

Gibbs: This is where samurais are born.

In the store from "Gremlins"?

It's a Chinese apothecary.

You do realize that the samurai were Japanese and not Chinese, right?

Were they?

Yeah.

Man, I'm learning a lot today.

[ Chinese accent ] Greetings, gentlemen.

Mr. Gibbs, I have not seen you

since last a-raven flew north on the season of the...

It's cool. He's with me.

[ American accent ] What's up, dude? I'm Glenn.

What's up, Glenn? I'm Milo.

Uh, it's that time again, and my man Milo here is gonna join me.

Damn! Buckle up, buttercup.

What's happening? Am I the buttercup?

What part of "no questions" don't you understand?

Right. Right. Just one more.

Am I being sold into white slavery?

Here you go.

Now, a samurai strengthens his body

with a regular regiment of secret herbs and tonics.

- Oh, my... what's in... - Whup-whup-whup!

Right. No questions.

[ Coughs ] Disgusting.

- That, uh, cleanses your system. - I'm good with that.

- Of everything. - That's great.

It's gonna blow the back of your ass out.

That's why I save mine till I get home.

Oh.

Well, can I at least ask how fast... [ grunts ] Never mind.

Whoa! Slow down, girls.

You won't get there any faster if you're dead.

[ Groaning ] Oy.

What happened to you?

Oh, somehow I tweaked my knee getting off the subway.

It's hurtin' like the dickens.

Now you're just looking for reasons to feel old.

The only thing I'm looking for is my lip balm.

Is it cold in here?

Tyler, help me out here. How do I look?

Like Harry Potter at his Hogwarts reunion.

I'm going uptown to P.J.'s office to ask for his blessing.

Oh, well, now I feel like a dick...

An old, gray dick.

I'm sorry, pal. You're gonna do great.

Just be direct and don't take no for an answer.

Got it.

I'm direct, and I am not taking no!

Edith, is P.J. available?

- Let me check. - I understand. I'll try again later.

There he is. How's my young apprentice?

Very cleansed. Let's leave it at that.

- But you didn't eat dinner last night? - No, man. I'm starving.

Ah, a samurai sharpens his mind by starving his body.

- Until when? - That sounds like a question.

Gibbs, I don't think I can do this, okay? It's too hard.

Of course it's hard, damn it.

If it was easy, there'd be samurais everywhere.

I couldn't get in to see P.J.

Maybe I should just wait for Amy to propose to me.

My dad would totally give his blessing.

Neal, for the love of God, you love Amy,

and you want to spend the rest of your life with her.

So answer this one simple question.

Do you have any crackers or maybe a cheese stick?

What are you guys doing in my office?

You said you were scared to face P.J.,

so we thought we'd give you some practice.

Neal... Here's P.J.

Guys, I appreciate the thought,

but Gibbs pretending to be P.J. isn't scary or intimidating.

Hey, Neal, shut your food hole and sit your ass down.

Wow, I just peed a little.

So, Napoleon Dynamite... What do you need?

- Well, P.J... - Oh, I didn't realize we were friends,

'cause only my friends call me "P.J."

See, I thought you were the guy bumping uglies

with my daughter in the apartment I pay for.

Well, I-I'm sorry, sir. I-it's just I really want to...

Well, how about you want to in one hand and crap in the other,

see which one gets filled first?

Sir, that's...

Did you just tell me to crap in my hand?

Uh, P.J., maybe we can go a little easier?

And maybe you can go a little straight to hell.

And on your way there, trim that Afro, Duck Dynasty.

Hey. Hey. Let's keep this on Neal, okay?

Tell you what, nerdy smurf...

If you can tell me why you're better for my Amy

than any other guy out there on the street,

I'll give you my blessings right now.

- And go. - Well...

- Five seconds. - What?

- Four, three... - He's right!

He's right! Why me?

See, this is why I can't face him,

because I'm not good enough and he knows it!

What...?

Where's Neal going? I thought we were doing the thing.

The thing just happened. Where were you?

- At dinner. - It's 4:30.

What's he saying? Everyone mumbles.

He just said... [ groans ]

I can't do it. I can't ask P.J. It's too hard.

No, you know what's hard?

90 minutes of physical therapy on this bum knee, but am I complaining?

I feel like you are.

I think P.J. is right. I don't deserve Amy.

Neal, sit with me.

[ Sighing ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

You know, I always thought that by the time I went gray,

I'd have accomplished a lot more...

Maybe a wife, maybe kids, maybe... I'll admit it... a minivan.

But life didn't wait for me,

and it's not gonna wait for you, so go get what you want.

Go get what you deserve.

You know, you could just lease a minivan.

Go!

- Come with me? - All right, all right.

But first, a calcium chew.

Edith...

I know P.J.'s in there, so you just let me in or else.

Or else what?

Or else I will sit here quietly until you say it's okay!

I'm here. I'm here.

Tyler!

- Edith? - You two know each other?

From our water aerobics class.

It's physical therapy. Athletes do it.

We wear floaties.

My young friend here needs just 10 minutes with the boss man.

Tell me I look good in a swim cap, and you got a deal.

Like a mermaid.

P.J.?

P.J.: Neal?

P.J.?

Well, we got the damn names straight. What do you want?

Uh, where are you?

Where aren't I, Neal? I'm like the wind.

Okay, um... I-I came here today...

Neal, if you're gonna talk to me, at least look me in the eye.

Uh... P.J., I'm in love with your daughter.

Yes, I know that, Neal, and if this is just

"Say upsetting things to P.J." Day, you're doing a bang-up job!

I wanna marry Amy and spend the rest of my life with her,

and I'm here for your blessing.

You want a blessing, go bother the pope. Get the hell out of here.

[ Toilet flushes ]

I was hoping you'd be gone.

- So, you were just... - In the little boys' room. Correct.

Now, I'm gonna give you 26 reasons why you're not getting my blessing.

One, you went to a state school.

Two, you're a suspiciously graceful ice skater.

It doesn't look that gray to me.

It's not just that. I've got aches.

I feel grouchy. I'm old.

Oh, give me a break. I got bras older than you.

Edith, I'm just venting.

No, you're being ridiculous. Life is not about a number.

Life is about appreciating what you have

and finding the courage to be happy.

- Maybe you're right. - [ Chuckles ] Of course I'm right.

And the fact is, we start dying the moment we're born.

- That's an excellent point. - And look at you...

You're a beautiful, young woman at the prime of her life.

Thank you.

16, you sneeze like a frightened geisha.

17, you're still standing there, taking this.

18, you brought the face of U.S. Women's Soccer as your backup.

Sorry. I was just checking to make sure you guys were okay in here.

I'm great, and he's leaving. Thanks for stopping by.

Find the courage to be happy.

I'm not leaving.

What... what just happened? Did you say no to me?

- Did I? - Yes! Keep going.

P.J., I'm a good man.

I'm smart. I'm caring.

And most important, I love Amy more than anything on this earth.

And, yes, I am lucky to have her, but you know what?

She's lucky to have me, too.

[ Inhales deeply ]

Well, look who put on his big-boy pants.

You want me to say you're good enough to marry my Amy?

That's not gonna happen.

Nobody is good enough for my little girl.

But you got balls... I'll give you that.

So, you'll give me your blessing?

Cheese and crackers. I got to spell everything out?

- Hey, Miley Cyrus? - Yo!

Man, you answered quickly.

Tell Neal to quit while he's ahead, okay?

Let's go, Neal.

- Thank you, P.J. - You're welcome.

- I'll make her happy. - You better.

Neal, I have a gun.

Proud of you, Neal. You slayed the dragon.

And now you get to propose to the princess.

I'm not gonna lie. It feels pretty good.

Speaking of, how are you doing?

Well, the samurai cleanse is never an easy ride,

but only a few more days to go.

Why is this person following me?

That's your bag, buddy.

That's just what he wants you to think.

Just two more days left, Milo.

Good luck, pal.

Come in.

Aw, come on, come on, come on. Let's... let's take a load off, buddy.

[ Crying ] I can't do it anymore, Gibbs. I'm so hungry.

On the way to work, I ate some of my beard.

I've been there.

And I got to tell you, you're doing fantastic.

I know it hurts and all you want to do is quit.

But if you just hang in there, the sense of accomplishment...

I'm telling you, if you can handle this, you will find purpose.

Your life will have meaning.

What's happening?

- What do you mean? - What is that?

I'm eating my breakfast.

- What about the samurai cleanse? - Well, this is it.

I always start every cleanse day with a big breakfast.

Have you not been eating breakfast?

You never said we could eat breakfast!

It's the most important meal of the day, Milo.

I've been starving myself sick every day,

and you've been eating pancakes?

You... y-you promised me purpose.

You promised me meaning. I haven't learned a damn thing!

Didn't you?

No.

Didn't you?

No!

Think about it.

The only thing I can think about right now is killing you.

And I'm gonna focus on nothing else until I make that happen.

Samurai.

And I was so pissed at Gibbs when I left yesterday.

But then I decided to visualize my goals.

The next thing I know,

I'm eating caviar on the balcony of the penthouse suite

at the Plaza Hotel, watching the sun come up,

and thinking, "This year, I'm gonna make every day count."

'Cause you know what?

It really is all about your focus.

Good for you, Milo.

So, maybe Gibbs was right.

Somebody stole my credit card last night and went buck wild at the Plaza Hotel.

You know, a real samurai always protects his wallet.

You stole my credit card.

Did I?

Yes.

Did I?

You're paying me back for all that.

Am I?

Yes!

Am I?

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