Original subtitles

I went out and got an eye exam.

Well, how's that going to prevent a heart attack?

Carver, heart attack?

It was his bad eyesight that nearly got him hooked up to that old goon.

So why are you so out of breath?

Carver, I walked by old man Jones' house, and this bulldog started chasing

so I threw a stick at it.

Bulldog? Yes.

That's his baby.

She has an underbite. Oh, that's a severe one.

Make her mouth set like that, Carl.

And your eyesight 20 -20?

Yes, Carl, I have you to know. My doctor say I got better eyesight than that.

Really? I got 50 -50.

I'm almost bionic.

No. See, 50 -50 means...

Never mind. Hey, hey, have you seen that box of family portraits? I want to take

it to Texas with me. I see you still set on going to that porn star state.

It's long star state.

Cor, when you gone, I'm the one gonna be long.

Admit it, Edna. The truth will set you free. How y 'all just gonna walk up here

in my house?

Do I look like a pagan to you?

Are you talking about one of them things that be on top of the building like

this?

It's the eyes that look the concrete thing with the wings. It's a gargoyle.

Well, you better watch it, Colonel, because they bite. No one is. Look who's

talking. Jab of a gut.

Why are you and the Colonel arguing, Miss Edna? You wouldn't believe what

Hey, careful, careful.

You know God don't like Edna.

That's ugly, Mr. Brown. Oh, you don't talk about her like... You don't call

people ugly. You got to be political correct. You got to say, face a

Face a challenge.

Sister Cora, my brush with death has been a wake -up call for me to be more

spiritual. And there's nothing wrong with that, Colonel. But he's taking it

too far.

Uh -uh.

Lying isn't Christian -like.

Eating a deviled egg does not make me a pagan.

Well, I'm just glad I've seen the light.

You know what? I've seen it, too. Colonel, now that you've seen the light,

some on that bat right there so she won't change us into nothing.

Now, remember, for morning thickness, ginger tea.

I heard her, Will. Okay.

For back pain, what?

Hot compress. I heard her, Will. And when you get annoyed, you remember what

told you to do? Yeah, ignore you.

Will, honey, the doctor said our baby is fine.

Oh, our baby.

I love the way that sounds.

Me too.

Look, I know you said... Will needs to keep it a secret, but can you picture

Look.

Will, look at the baby.

She has my eyes.

She? She?

Oh, well, he has my chin. Your chin.

Hey,

hey, hey, little munchkin. Be careful.

Hey. I got you.

Be careful.

I got you.

You're so cute. You look just like Daddy. Yes, you do.

Yes, you do.

What the what?

You're in here talking to the furniture again, ain't you?

Don't lie. Your mama never should have gave you that sewing machine as a pet.

You had a sewing machine for a pet?

No. No, Uncle Brian. Yes, he did. I'm telling you, he used to sleep with that

thing all the time. He used to call it Little Stitchy.

Yes, I'm telling you, he even tried to teach things, do tricks.

I taught it to stay.

You know what? That boy was slow.

He'd still have it if I hadn't told him it ran away.

Well, let's hope the little munchkin only inherits you. Look.

Boy,

did your mama's bus break down on the corner again?

No, no, no. I rode my cousin's bike over. Hey, hey, can I bring it inside?

You know, kids steal the ones with the banana seats.

I don't want your huffy in my house, Puffy.

Uncle Brown.

Come on, give Reggie a break.

What you want me to break on him, his arm or his leg? You know he the reason

that Clara's leaving?

No, I'm not. What are you talking about, Brown?

I want him to stay as much as you do.

Reggie, why do you have a king of diamonds in your pants leg?

Oh, it fell out my spoke when I hit the pothole.

And, Doc, I think I skid my knee. Could you check it out?

Clara couldn't possibly do better than you. I know she can't. You know, I keep

telling her that.

Doc, you got any Mercuricone?

Sure, Cole. No, but, uh, I can hop in my time machine and scoop you up some.

Why don't you bring him back some giant leeches, too?

You so, ugh, you just make me sick.

Mr. Brown, you gotta help me make Cora stay.

I mean, I want her to be my wife.

You asking me for advice?

Yeah. Well, uh, first y 'all got to have something in common. Really? Like what?

Yes.

Like, uh, Cora's not here.

Y 'all, there's something. You know what?

I just realized. Y 'all have had this in common.

Cora's not here and you're not here.

Hey,

could you give this to her?

What? You better give it to her.

Take him with you. Oh!

Cora, may I have another cup?

Another one?

This is your seventh cup. Keep them coming, keep them coming. I really want

something much stronger, but the Colonel's gotten rid of everything.

Even the rubbing alcohol.

And my rum cake.

I know he's a little overzealous, but there's nothing wrong with being a

Christian. I can live with a better Christian. What I can't live with is a

painted A.

Oh, good morning, Sister Cora. Good morning.

Did I interrupt your morning prayers?

Oh, no, no.

We're just... Praying to the Lord for a little patience.

Colonel, would you like a cup of tea? No, no, thank you, Cora. I'm on my way

a prayer meeting at the church. You know, I have this fire in my belly.

Now, honey, that's that taco you ate last night.

I think it's wonderful that the colonel's taking his spiritual life

Yeah, thank you, Sister Cora. Thank you. Hey, maybe we can ride to a prayer

meeting together.

Oh, what? I'm sorry, Colonel. I got to go to work.

Oh, I see.

So, um...

Work is more important than the Lord?

No, I'm not saying that. Cora, have some tea.

It calms the nerves.

You know, Sister Cora, you could stop by on your way to work. I mean, after you

change clothes.

What's wrong with my clothes?

Well, I just think that a good Christian woman would wear something a little

more conservative.

What's more conservative than this?

A nun's habit.

You know, Sister Cora, I took some of Edna's clothes over to the Goodwill

earlier today.

What? I'm gonna kill you.

Now, Edna, what would Jesus do?

If you can take my clothes back, you can ask him.

Now, she needs to be clothed in the spirit.

You know, Sister Cora, I could take some of your more worldly things over there.

My clothes are fine, Colonel. Thank you very much.

I just want you to be saved.

I'm sure of that.

But I tell you what, you better get out of here before you need somebody to save

you, sir.

You have a good day.

You know, Sister Cora, I'm gonna pray. Pray for that. Thank you.

Hey, babe.

What do you want to eat?

Hmm, how about a grilled cheese sandwich?

Actually, I was talking to Will Jr.

Huh? What'd you say?

Okay.

Okay. All right.

Got it.

You're going to have peanuts, a banana, and some carrot sticks.

Will, I'm having a baby, not a squirrel.

He can hear you.

Don't worry about it, little fella. I got your back.

Okay? Baby, high five.

All right, so we're out of carrot sticks. I'm going to run and get you

more. Be right back. Oh, yeah, you do that, Willie.

See you, little man.

Now, it's just you and me, LaSasha.

grilled cheese sandwich you want one they're great oh no i'm not too big on

grilled cheese sandwiches probably because my dear ate them all the time

she was pregnant with me you're not pregnant are you

It'll be our little secret. Oh, this is so exciting.

I know, I know. I'm just hoping that the kids are happy, too. Oh, those kids

love you and will.

You just be straight with them when the time comes.

I don't know, Cora.

Yes, you do. You know, you just sit them down and you say, I have some exciting,

very exciting news to tell you that I had to keep a secret, but I want you to

the first to know.

I'm pregnant.

Just like that. I'm pregnant.

What's going on?

I'm coming to join you, honey.

I'll be the granddaddy with the little turkey bright green kids.

Uncle Brian, what's going on? What happened?

Nephew, you... The baby is out of the bath.

It's just swimming around out of the bag. In the bag, just swimming. The baby

swimming everywhere.

Baby?

Oh, no.

I was trying to keep it a secret.

Nephew, you know?

Of course I know.

I was there when it happened.

What?

And you didn't try to stop her?

Why would I try to stop her?

She's been trying to get pregnant for years. I mean, why would I stand in her

way? She has.

Actually, you know what? I couldn't be happier.

Nephew, all that's been going on under my roof, why am I the last to know?

Well, actually, it didn't really happen under this roof. I think we were in the

back of it. Nephew, stop being nasty.

I'm ashamed of you.

How'd you find out?

I heard it from Cora's own lips.

Cora told you? Yes, she said.

Leave Cora to me.

Why'd she go just blabbing it all over the place?

You know what? She should have kept her mouth closed.

That ain't the only thing she should have kept closed.

Farming? Brown?

What you running from?

Well, I'm... Godzilla!

Get back on your face, Godzilla!

Shut up, Uncle Ben, and get back on that box of rice.

Look, look, look. I did it for your own good. I did it for your own good, Edna.

Colonel, don't look at Edna's eye.

I think that's an eye. I can't see from them scales right... Girl, you a man.

Edna, Edna, look.

Makeup isn't part of God's plan.

Edna's face ain't a part of God's plan.

You look like a rough trap from the Lord.

Better get out of my way, pretty chicky.

You come near me again, and you're going to draw back a nup.

And the Lord says, the Lord says that makeup is not... Colonel, Colonel

I've had enough of all this.

I've got some spackle out in the garage. You are testing my face, fat boy.

You are so heavenly that you're no earthly good.

Move out.

You going to your cave?

Go eat them bats.

I tell you, Brown, you try to teach people God's way and they just won't

Yep, I know exactly what you mean, Colonel. I've been trying to teach them

ways of his statutes. You know, that reminds me, Brown.

Now, this is kind of delicate, but I want to talk to you about Cora.

You do?

Yeah, I was noticing her clothes, how tight they were fitting, and I was just

wondering if... Yes!

Corbin's gonna be a baby's mama. She's gonna be a baby's mama.

Holy sugar cubes. What are you talking about, man?

What you talking about? Well, I was talking about her worldly clothes.

But Corbin's pregnant?

Shh, don't tell nobody.

She just runs in this house. I have you to know, I was a deacon by the time I

was 12. I was on the usher party. What about you and Madea?

Uh -oh.

Madea made me do that. She made me have a baby out of bedrock.

That's wedlock. Same thing.

I thought this was a Christian home.

It is. Colonel, you got to help me. Don't just leave run out on me.

Please. LeBron is a man of God. You know what you have to do.

You mean... Yep.

You have no choice.

Colonel, can't we just lay hands on her?

LeBron looks to me like somebody already has.

How about now? You done?

I'm almost there, Brown. Okay.

How about now? Did you get it?

Done.

Okay, Brown, I'm officially certified to marry Reggie and Cora, but it expires

at 9 o 'clock.

There he is. I'm calm. I'm calm.

Hey, thanks for calling. I can't believe you changed your mind about me and Cora

getting married. I ought to knock you out! Whoa!

Watch out now.

This suit's rental.

Whoa, whoa, Brown, this is not what we talked about, remember?

Turn the other cheek?

Yeah, yeah, Reggie, turn the other cheek so I can punch you in it. You getting

my daughter pregnant. Wait.

Cora's pregnant?

How did that happen?

Brown, you said he was kind of slow.

Hold on there, Colonel No -Fro. I know how it happened. I'm just trying to find

out who's the daddy.

You think I'm the daddy?

I ain't never touched her.

I mean, I tried a couple of times, but my mama wouldn't go to sleep.

I put you to sleep. You don't touch my car.

What are you doing?

You have a car of sugar, John.

Put you to sleep.

Mr. Brown, what are you doing? I'm doing what you should have done. You

shouldn't have let him out. Stop it, Mr. Brown.

He's asleep.

I'll wake him up. He ain't.

Well, you should have told me, Cora.

I just found out, and I don't think it's in your business anyway.

Why, he the daddy, ain't he?

I'm the daddy.

What? Oh, it's like Sodom and Gomorrah up in here. Up in here.

What kind of woman are you, Cora? Why is everybody so upset?

Cora, I found out that Reggie has got you pregnant. Now y 'all going to have

get married. Get married. What? I am not pregnant.

Now she's lying, too.

I'm pregnant.

Shut up. It got contagious.

Where's Brianna? Where Brianna at? Uncle Brown, calm down. All right? Sasha and

I are having a baby.

We were just trying to keep it a secret for a little while.

You know what? I know what I heard. I was in there, and I heard Cora telling

Sasha. What you heard was Cora giving me advice on how to tell the kids.

Yes.

My bad.

Anybody want some pizza?

Oh, pizza? What kind?

Because you know I can't do cheese.

You smell like cheese.

Let's get out of here.

You sure we want to bring a baby up in here? Up in here?

So, uh, there's still going to be a wedding?

I got this suit for a few more hours.

After you were ready to believe that lie. I don't think so.

There gonna be some pizza?

Why, I trust you.

Get out.

And you, Mr. Brown, I can't believe you thought I was pregnant.

Did you think of this dumb idea all by yourself, or did you have help?

I had some help.

Yes, Lord, I'm coming.

Ooh, we got that over with, Cora.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Look what you did. Look what you done.

who is without sin, let them cast the first stone.

Sir, where are you going?

To get a stone.

Z's are in E's drop.

Are you not talking to me?

Oh, have you finished those 5 ,000 sentences yet?

Not yet.

Well, then, no.

Hey, Carl. Hey.

Oh, Carl, look. You can't put lipstick on a pig.

Excuse me, Brian. What?

Come again?

You still have your foot stuck in your mouth?

I'd like to stick my foot right in your mouth.

Drop. But I'd like to dropkick Edmund.

Okay.

Confession is good for the soul.

Well, I'm sorry for being so judgmental.

I'm sorry for being so judgmental. Carver, tell me why he ain't got... Keep

writing.

Yeah, Cora, but it's just that when God gives you a second chance, you want to

do everything right.

And there's nothing wrong with living right, Colonel. What you got to do is

got to take that two -by -four out of your own. I ain't keep writing.

And you got to first start by taking out your own trash.

Put it in a bag and take it out of here.

You're right, Colonel.

And I'm ready to make a change.

That's right. That's it right there, Colonel. Time to make that change.

Now, we love each other. We can do it.

And now I'm going to stop living in sin and... And?

And so I'm moving back in with Brown. What? What?

Let us pray.

You and I.