Original subtitles

What the... I told them, get your stuff up. When you eat something in here, pick

it up.

They got a little maid or something.

I'm coming.

Hey, Brown, is the colonel over here?

Uh, come right in.

Now, does this look like the colonel's house?

It looks like regret and bad decisions.

That chair's nice, though.

Oh.

Well, have a seat, then.

Okay, what you want for Curtis?

I got something for him. Oh, really?

What is that?

A big bag of none of your business.

Oh, you want to act like that? I'm busy. I got stuff to do. I got business to

take care of. I'm busy. Busy with what?

I'm trying to get a picture of Bigfoot.

Say cheese. My friends ain't gonna believe this. In your natural habitat

your natural hair.

You know what?

Say cheese.

If you see the colonel, you just tell him if he wants to re -up, he better

my Skrilla.

Skrilla? What you need is hooked on phonics.

You know what, Brian?

Do me a favor. What?

Catch something.

Oh. Terminal.

You know what, Brian?

Do something.

Walk on the street blindfolded.

Oh, hey, Vaughn. Oh, don't hey me, Captain Crook.

You owe me for four boxes of Crunch Bars, sugar cookies, and two bags of

Mint Squares. I just need two more.

Are you crazy? You already owe me for five. No, I'm not going to do that.

Can I just have a taste? Hey, you better back off on me, man.

Look, here's half.

That's just a portion of it.

I have my money by Friday.

Duncan.

Lord,

that colonel got a bear in the bed and a monkey on his back.

I still can't believe you spent $300 on a purse.

I couldn't help it.

Look at it. It's fabulous.

I thought Reggie was going to buy it for you.

The only bag Reggie ever gave me is right here.

It matches the hat he got.

So what are you going to tell him when he sees it?

Um, it's a knockoff.

Well, I don't want to hurt his feelings.

So what are you going to do when he buys you the thing first?

the two most beautiful women in the world. Oh, that's sweet.

Next to Mama, Cousin Bess, Auntie Stevie.

After the surgery.

Reggie, so what brings you by?

Oh, I came to see if you wanted to go to the movies. What you hiding behind your

back, Cora?

Nothing.

Enjoy your nothing. Goes good with your red shoes.

Listen, wait.

Hey!

That purse that I was going to buy you.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

Well, what's the difference?

Well, for starters, this one is in my hand.

You, you didn't think that I was going to get you that purse.

I didn't. And I've been paying on that layaway for over a year now.

No, calm down, Reggie.

It's just a knockout.

Shoot, I mean, Lord forgive me. Are you sure?

and it looks real.

Oh, it just ain't nothing. Look, it's as fake as that watch on your arm.

What do you mean fake?

It only has one hand.

It's from the Captain Hook collection.

Oh, speaking of Hook, could you hook me up with a sandwich?

Oh, sure. The usual?

Yep. Four slices of bread, half a pound of turkey, low -fat mayo, and...

Is that the year?

Nope. Good.

Then watch TV and pee.

Regis, something you want to say?

Oh, no, man. I don't want to bother you with my problems. Good.

Hey, you ever feel bad?

Because you can't afford nice things? No.

You see, I was going to buy this purse.

Whoa, whoa.

Don't ask, don't tell.

Don't ask, don't tell.

What? Not for me.

For Cora.

But it cost so much, I was saving for it.

But she just couldn't wait, so she had to go out and get the knockoff.

Hmm.

This reminds me of the time we were in NOM and I called for an airstrike and

never came.

And the next morning, Johnson was dead.

So you're saying I should buy her the real purse?

Okay.

And I should just get rid of this knockoff?

I guess so.

Hey, I'm going to do that right now. I'm going to just get rid of this old fake

thing. Wait, wait, wait a minute.

Are you saying this is fake?

Oh, I know someone would love this.

Oh, yeah.

It's yours.

Because I'm going to give my baby the real deal.

Hey, Cora.

I'm going to be back for that sandwich.

This is your brain.

This is your brain on drugs.

This is your brain on drugs with cheese.

This is your cheese.

Hello, bro.

Friend, you know what this is?

An omelet?

No, this is your cheesy brain.

Look, let's just get to the chase. You know that I know that I know that you

know that you know that I've been knowing that I've seen you knowing that

know that I know you got a problem.

What are you talking about?

I've seen your little purchase from Yvonne out there.

You did?

Yes, the whole neighborhood's seen it.

Does Edna know about this?

Oh, Brownie, she would kill me if she did.

Well, that stuff gonna kill you faster than she can.

Kill me?

It's not that bad.

Colonel, oh, denial.

Sit down right here, Colonel. Just sit down.

Now, Colonel, how much of this stuff is you using?

I don't know, about three or four packages.

A week?

A day.

A day?

Yeah. Oh, we got to get you some help. Oh, Brown, I can quit whenever I want

Well, quit.

I don't want to.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed, Brown.

Yeah, you know I understand.

You do?

Yes, if I had to sleep with Edna every night, ain't no telling what I'd do.

I'd probably jump off the Umpire State Building.

Oh, Brown, I mean, it started over in Nam.

I was 5 ,000 miles away, and nothing made me happy.

Then my mom sent it to me in a care package, and I was hooked.

Your mama did this to you?

In a care package?

She told me to share it with all my buddies, and I did.

But the rush didn't last.

And we got back to camp.

Johnson was still dead.

I'm going to tell Edna. No, Brown, no, you can't. They would kill her if she

knew. Well, if you... Let me tell her then. No, you're not going to tell her.

I'm going to lick this again like I did before.

You hear me? I'm going to lick it like I did before.

Tell her. Let this hold yourself.

If I see just so much as one ounce, I'm calling the man.

The man?

Edna.

Hey, Cora. Hey, Reggie. What you doing?

I'm looking for my purse.

Bye, Cora. Wait, Reggie, can you help me look for it? I left it right over

there. All right.

I'm helping you look.

That's disgusting.

Mm -mm, that's Dijon.

Will you just help me find it, please?

Why don't you just retrace the steps?

Oh, now that's a good idea.

All right, okay. Me and Miss Adler, we went shopping.

We came in.

You know,

what you gonna ask me?

Then you came and I made a sandwich.

Then I came in.

Miss Adler wouldn't know.

Whoa!

What are you doing? Hey.

You don't want to be calling Miss Edna until you look everywhere.

Well, I have looked everywhere.

Well,

how about I look upstairs?

You need to look upstairs.

You better go up there, girl, and look for that. You know how you do.

You'll be coming home and put stuff in your room.

Oh,

Lord, what am I going to do?

eggs, a block of cheese, and a size 10 flip -flop.

Okay, 13.

Hey, we busy right now.

My purse!

Your purse?

But you got a parade to go to.

What? No.

This is Cora's purse.

What are you doing with it?

Not that it's any of your business, but the colonel gave it to me.

Well, I gave it to him.

Well, that's too bad. You're going to get another one. Oh, no, they all sold

out. Look, I'll...

I'll give you $20 for it.

$20? For this?

Oh, no, honey, this is a designer bag.

I know it's not. This is just an old knockoff. Oh, no, I had the knockoff.

is the real deal, and you can't have it back.

You better give me that purse. I know. Take it one more time here.

One more time here.

What are you talking to like that? Life is... I'm not giving it back.

What do you mean you're not giving it back?

Oh, what?

Read my lips.

Uh, you're supposed to say, I'm not giving it back.

Why? You just did.

This bag is worth $300.

$300?

What'd you say?

Oh, I said you need to look at the bathroom, baby.

Hey, look here. I ain't got $300. Can't we work something out?

Why is it every time I come to this house, somebody is looking for the

Hey, Pops and Mama.

Got some candy for Daddy?

You got some money for Mama?

I gave you that purse.

Well, how about you give me something to put in it?

That's cold breaded.

You know, this reminds me of the time I was... It don't remind you of nothing.

Is this honey mustard?

Oh, no, no, that's Dijon.

Hey, what was that going on with you and the colonel? Uh, you need to stay out

of the grown folks' business.

No, I need that purse.

Well, I need $400.

You just had three!

Don't stop living in the past.

You are a crook and a hustler.

No, I'm a crook and a hustler with a $500 bag.

Woo!

Cora? Cora!

Whoa.

Guess you haven't found it, huh? I've looked everywhere.

I don't understand it. I saw you put it down. Are you sure you didn't misplace

it? I don't know.

Oh!

No, you didn't tell me you made these cakes.

That's for the church bake sale. Come on, let's go.

What about the purse?

Well, I'll find it when I get back.

Hey, Cora.

Reggie, don't even start. I'm still upset about my purse.

Oh, no problem.

I bought you this.

That's a bowling bag.

Well, it matches your shoes.

Don't even try, Reggie. I'm not in the mood, all right? What?

Get out of the way.

Come on, Miss Edna.

Slam the door in his face.

Whoa.

You sure you don't want to use this? It's roomy.

I got a problem. You first.

I know I'm first. This is my house.

I just found out Yvonne is the drug queen peeing around the neighborhood.

Oh, and she's a purse thief, too.

She took Cora's purse.

No, she didn't. Yes, she did.

Well, actually, I kind of gave it to the colonel. No, you did.

Yes, I did.

And then he kind of gave it to Yvonne. No, he didn't. Yes, he... I mean, we're

really not going to do that again, are we?

I guess I'm not.

So Cora, see, she had said that she bought the purse, but she had told me it

a knockoff.

So I said I was going to get her the real purse.

So I gave the real knockoff to the colonel to give it to who I thought

Edna, but instead he gave it to Yvonne. So what did you think about that?

I was thinking that I was supposed to go first.

Well, go ahead.

Well, Yvonne is the smack lady, and she pushing weight, and the colonel is

losing it.

Yeah, so we got to get to him before he just starts stealing all our stuff and

get a reality show with Casey and JoJo. Ooh, yeah.

Ooh. What are we going to do?

What are we going to do? What am I going to do?

I got it!

What we're going to do is we're going to get Yvonne on tape dealing with one of

us.

Then we're going to take her down and then blackmail her and you can get the

purse back.

Oh, man!

Hey!

How'd you think of that?

Where'd you get that idea from?

Watching reruns of Matlock.

All right, now don't forget, we got to catch her selling it. That's the only

we can get the purse back.

I know, it's my idea. Come on, get in the closet. Get in the closet. Hurry up.

Wait a minute.

Oh, Lord.

You know what? This ain't going to work. Do something else. You're too wide and

it's too narrow. We got to find someplace big enough for me to hide now.

Uh, tribe staff.

Yes. Yeah, it may be a little cramped, but I'm sure you can get your beak

up there. All right. And, uh, don't put no skid marks on my wall backing up

through there.

You're just wide.

Hurry up.

I'm ready.

Be quiet. She's going to hear you.

Oh,

hey, look at you. Girl, I like that on you. Don't cut the crap. What do you

want?

Whatever you got.

I want.

Well, what I don't have is all day. I got people to see and things to sell.

Oh, yes. I want some of the things that you are selling.

Not now.

You just said.

Now. Not. Yes.

No. Yes. No.

Yes. Money talks.

Oh. One thing I keeps, I keeps a pocket full of money.

How does two dollars sound?

Like you whispering.

I ain't got time for this, Brian.

I'm desperate.

Please. Please let me have some stuff.

I mean, and you broke.

Now, Brian, if you're serious, I got some of the sweetest stuff money can

Oh, really?

Uh. Can you come over here on this picture and write up there and say that?

Because my ancestors liked to hear sweet stories.

Yes, that's sweet -legged new right there.

Do you want to buy something or not?

Yeah, I want to buy something or not.

Take the lens cap off, dummy.

Yes, uh, how much can $20 buy me?

Four bags.

Four bags?

Get down. Get down. Get down.

I say I like to get down. You know, when you break that down like that and you

get down.

That's what I like to do.

Yes. Bring it over here for me.

Because I can't come all the way over there because I got short armolitis.

Yes. It runs in my family. My mama had short legolitis.

They called her Eileen.

She was just brown.

She was always standing like this. It was sad in our family.

Brown. She ran track, too.

Here. Yes, thank you for selling it to me.

Cleverly disguised as... Candy!

Uh -huh.

Mr. Brown, where is Reggie? Upstairs videotaping us for some strange reason.

Uh -uh, that's because you bust it. You bust it, you cop!

Bam! You bust it, you going down!

Brown, Brown, what are you talking about?

That's Reggie.

Well, hey, you see what happened was, Cora, I ain't giving the purse to the

colonel. The colonel?

What has he got to do with this? Okay, I hate to be the one to tell you this,

but your man is on that stuff, that powder, that white honey, that snow,

blow, that booger sugar. He on it.

What does that have to do with my purse?

My purse, boo.

Don't change the subject.

Y 'all, Yvonne has been selling this.

That's what she wants you to believe. But inside of here is this candy.

Yeah, but inside of there is this candy.

Candy? But I don't get it.

I've been selling it for my kids' school fundraiser.

But Brown said that the Colonel was addicted.

He is to sugar.

Is that what the Colonel been hiding from you?

Wait till I find that Colonel. He's not the only one hiding things around here.

Yeah, he been.

I'm talking about you, Cora.

Oh.

Why'd you tell me that the purse was a knockoff? Yeah, you did tell him it was

knockoff, Cora. Oh, no, this purse is 100 % real.

Homegirl, let me holler at you about my purse.

What about it?

Well, we could do this two ways. We could do it the easy way or the hard

Which way you want to do it?

$350.

$110.

Here you go.

Uh -uh, you got to go up.

Right.

$210. $25.

$35. $30. $35. $40. $45.

The Colonel's debt is your debt. I'm not going to be abused like this.

You know, if you buy a sledge, you'll pull it.

I'll pull it over those gout -infested knees of yours.

Why did you tell me that that purse was a knockoff?

Because I didn't want you to feel bad.

Why would I feel bad?

Because you're stupid.

I'm trying to help you. Because I thought something would take you months

save up for.

Months? Try years.

That does feel bad.

Yep, hurts.

Well, Cora, I just wanted to do something nice for you, too.

Oh, it's the thought that counts.

Oh, please.

Well, why don't you think about giving her $1 300 times? Why don't you think

about keeping your mouth shut? That's what people tell you when they can't buy

you nothing when they broke. It's the thought that counts. You work and she

wins.

you shame of yourself.