Original subtitles

The show after this got to be the best one.

Look at that.

Shut up.

Hey, bro.

I brought back your blender.

That ain't mine.

Wait a minute. You're trying to get away from Edna again, ain't you?

Yep.

Still watching the game?

No, it's been called.

On the count of what? On the count of I'm watching something else. I want to

watch the game. I'm watching this. Well, I want to watch the game. This might

happen. Hey, Colonel.

Hey, Will.

How was the funeral?

Oh, kind of dead.

It's not nice to make fun of dead people.

Yes, because you could be married to the Crypt Keeper.

So who died?

A really beloved volunteer from the hospital.

What was his name?

John. James.

Stevie? What?

No, his name was David.

Oh, that's right, David. David, that's it.

No, it wasn't. I know, I'm just making it up.

So how did he die?

Oh, you know, actually, he had a rash on his knee. The man died from a rash on

his knee?

Well, he was scratching it when he got hit by a bus.

Oh.

Poor guy's funeral was terrible.

It was terrible. Wasn't it? I know. If he would have seen it, it would have

killed him.

You know that sounds stupid, don't you?

What about the only decent thing was the family portrait they used in the

program? Uncle Brown, do we have a family portrait?

Yes, we just took one. What are you saying?

Yes, I keep it right here.

Yes, this thing is just brand new.

Look, look right there.

Who's the baby?

Oh, that would be me.

Wait a minute.

How old is this?

Is that a stagecoach? Yeah, it is. Kind of old, ain't it?

Yeah. Oh, wait a minute.

Is that my mom?

Oh, how cute. She was so innocent.

Please, your mama wasn't innocent.

She was drunk.

Look at her eyes. Bloodshot red.

Your mama went from Jack and Jill to Jack and Coke.

I guess we do need to take another family portrait.

Yeah, maybe you can get Michelangelo to paint this one, too.

And maybe you can get out of my face and go home.

Oh, here comes Edna. Yeah, come on in, Edna. Here she comes.

Yeah, come on in. Trot on in here.

Works every time. He's scared of the Beastmaster.

your favorite color, huh?

Uh, purple. Why?

Oh. Ha -ha. Are you gonna get me a jacket or a shirt, hmm? A coffin.

Okay. Uh, I'd rather have a shirt.

Is this what you've been doing? Planning my death?

Oh, no, sweetie.

Planning our death.

How about we just plan to stay alive?

Will, I'm just trying to be prepared for when the time comes.

Baby, we're young and healthy.

We got time, okay?

We are young and healthy, right?

Yes, Will, for now.

But after going to poor Earl's funeral... James.

Roger. What?

You know what, whatever.

Will, do you know that most people don't get a chance to plan their own funeral?

And I don't hear them complaining.

That's because they're dead. Exactly.

Okay, listen.

Do you want our final resting place determined by Brianna and Joaquin? Why

They flushed their last pet down the toilet.

So what's wrong with that?

It was a poodle.

All right.

Let me see these caskets again.

Okay. Now these are comfy and classy.

Okay. And people are just dying to get in these.

You're not taking this seriously.

I'm playing.

Okay, okay, okay. I'll take that one.

That's a girl's casket.

Okay, and why is it a girl's casket? Oh, let's see, Will. Because it has pink

shack carpeting and a vanity mirror.

So what? I'm going to be dead anyway.

Besides, look how expensive they are.

It's crazy.

Oh!

We can rent them!

We get ripped caskets.

Who don't rip caskets, Will?

Yes, they do.

Okay, look. So, during the service, you have a fancy little casket, and then

after everybody's gone, they just throw you in a pine box. You don't even know

the difference. Oh, I will know the difference, Will. Baby, it won't matter.

You'll be dead.

Okay, look, you're not going to be able to enjoy the casket.

All right, Plies, think about all the money I'll save.

And who said I would die before you?

Come on, baby.

The way you be putting down that bacon, you don't play. I mean, come on.

She got a point. I'd be out of this piece.

Could you put me down now?

Oh, sorry, son.

There you go.

Okay.

Now that I have your undecided attention... What?

There is an emergency.

What? What?

I have signed us all up to take a family portrait.

Call me when there's a fire.

Okay,

everybody who pay rent around here, you can go.

Everybody who pay rent on time, around here.

Exactly. That's what I thought.

Okay, Mr. Brown, what you got? What you got? I know you ain't going nowhere

because you're too nosy. I am not.

Watch me.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

What you got? What you got? What you talking about? All right.

I made an appointment for all of us to take a family portrait today.

Today?

Yes, today.

Not tomorrow.

Why put off today what you can do sometime later today?

Something like that takes planning.

Yeah. And I need to get a face full if I'm going to take pictures. Yeah, I'm

going to need a new outfit.

And I'm going to need a haircut.

Okay, what's your excuse, Lumiere?

I just don't want to do it.

Great. Okay,

hold it right there.

Now, I hear... your complaints and excuses and there's just one problem i

care because the photographer is on his way right now he'll be here shortly so

be ready uh by the way carl uh here's your prepaid credit card what are you

doing with my car you may want to put some more money on that i signed it for

you too yes oh i found it next to your wallet in your purse under your bed

Okay, get everything ready.

I'm coming.

I said I'm coming. Stop knocking on the door like that.

Oh, no wonder you was hoofing it.

What y 'all want?

Oh, hey, Cora told us about the family portrait.

Again, I say, what y 'all want? Oh, stop playing around.

We're here to be in the picture. Yes. Uh, the pet studio is down the street.

Oh. Well, make sure they get your good side.

Around 10 -10.

You like that?

Yeah, my baby got joked.

Now, your baby got that fat is what she got.

Look, this is a family portrait, and only my loving and sweet family is going

be in it.

Ridiculous. All right, why don't we have to keep talking about our deaths? It's

part of life.

No, it's not. That's why it's called death. Well, you're not making any sense

right now. I am making plenty of sense. What kind of nurse are you? Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

What, are you two having problems?

Yes. No.

He doesn't think I need my hair done.

What? Who is going to see the back of your head while you're laying in a

Sasha, you do need a little perm around the edges.

Your split ends even got split ends.

I'm ready.

You ready for what? Freak neck?

I told you. You need Jesus and a bigger shirt.

And you need to go upstairs and find the rest of that outfit.

Yeah, that's right.

And, Joaquin, how did you get so dirty? What is this?

You need to be asking Brianna that.

What? Are you serious? You're a little snitch. You just said I'm a snitch. You

need to calm down right now. You can't talk about anybody.

Hey, everybody.

Great cook -em -up.

What? You look like Escapado.

What happened?

I just had a facial. You paid somebody to do that.

I've seen better looking P .O .W.'s. Barbara, you look like some Lord have

got attacked by, oh my God.

Barbara, you look, girl, you need some cream.

Yes,

you do.

It's not that bad.

Kind of reminds me of pizza.

With extra red sauce.

Shut up.

You shut up.

Is that real? Oh, of course.

I would die if I looked like that.

Oh, and then I guess we'd have to bury you in a platinum casket.

You know what? I don't want to take a picture with him.

Whatever. I'm out of here.

Well, hey, Brown.

You still got up.

What about my family portrait?

They just still got up.

I said, what about my family... Y 'all didn't hear me the first two times?

What? Who ordered some beautiful memories to go?

This is ruined.

So, after I completed the police academy and...

Spend the next 20 miserable years as a forensic investigator until the late

nights and paranoia and nicotine addiction took its toll.

My wife left with my best friend and my dog, and boy, I sure miss that dog.

Your turn.

Oh, snap, yeah.

Okay, you smoke?

I'm 10.

Oh, you're a drinker, huh?

No.

Good for you.

Yeah, I didn't start till I was 11.

Mr. Brown, you just saying that so we can take that picture? No, Carver, I'm

telling the truth. Your face is barely noticeable.

Carver, you look fine.

Ask the photographer.

Whoa! He needs some morning lights and a side order of breadsticks.

See, I told you, Mr. Brown. No, Carver, I'm telling you, he's just playing.

Right, Mr. Photographer?

You're just playing, right?

I'm paid by the hour with a three -hour minimum, and, uh... Well, when I'm on

the clock, I'll tell you anything you want to hear. It's not even noticeable.

Do you smoke?

No. What? I don't know about smoke.

Oh. I got some homework to do. Hey, thanks for listening.

Have he been boring you with his little stories again?

It's okay. He just needed to vent.

Stay strong.

Sure thing.

Mr. Brown, maybe you could get a rain check for the photo shoot.

Okay. I didn't think about that, Carl.

Excuse me.

Is there anything I could do to get a rain check?

Yep.

But it would actually take it for you to make it rain.

How about if I just actually make you bleed?

Mr. Brown.

From your ears.

Nope. I'm still going to have to charge you the full price.

Hey, everybody.

I won't be out too late.

Wait a minute. Where do you think you're going?

Oh, I figured since I was all dressed up, I might as well hit Jamie's party.

The only thing going to be getting hit is you if you try to go out in this come

-get -me dress.

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

Oh,

yeah. She's clean, all right.

Uh -oh.

Except for a little plaque around that back molar.

What?

I can't do this, Mr. Brown. Corby, will you go ahead? I'm not going to keep

begging you. I done begged you, and I ain't finna beg you. Well, okay, good.

Please, Corby, come back.

Please, I ain't too proud to be.

Okay, okay.

All right, all right, all right. We got... company. Don't worry. I'm used to

begging. Begged with my wife for years.

What did she do?

Well, she finally left.

Is there a moral to this story, sir? Uh, do you smoke?

I don't know about smoke.

Carver, what if something happened to your daddy and this portrait is the only

thing you had to remember me by? Okay, Mr. Brown.

I'll have some concealer. Maybe I can cover this up. Cover up what, Carver? I

don't even see nothing on you.

You look fine to me.

She gonna need some spackle for that.

And some grout.

Okay, let me talk about my own family. I don't need you.

I mean, leprechauns gave their lives for that, too.

Hey.

Nice night.

Yep.

What are you doing?

Making funeral arrangements.

Without me?

Because of you.

All right.

Okay, maybe I got a little freaked out planning all this, but then I got to

thinking. It's better to be prepared.

Oh, honey.

Plus, if we don't plan, we'll probably be buried in matching Cadillac coffins.

Who would do something that stupid? Not us. Welcome to Cadillac Coffins. Choose

from cherry, oak, walnut. Oh, I know you did.

You know, I was just checking it out.

Checking it out because I know you wanted to be buried in style and I

save money.

Cadillacs? Really?

Well, they were...

Cheaper than a Mercedes.

Well, I want to save money, too.

You do?

Yes, but I still don't want to end up like a Jew.

What's his name?

What is his name?

I don't know.

Okay, well, then we're in this together.

Yes, in this situation.

Not a double coffin, right?

They make those?

I'm just kidding.

I'm kidding, baby. I'm kidding. All right? So, look, why don't we just

burial plot?

Oh, that's easy.

I'm going to be buried with the rest of my family in Mount Meadows.

Mount Meadows?

Yeah. Isn't that where they've been jacking headstones?

Why not Evergreen?

Don't you mean Nevergreen?

No, you might as well put me in a landfill.

I'm not serious.

Oh, I mean, I'm not... Well,

you know what? How would you like it if I spread your ashes over three miles of

garbage? You like that?

My ashes?

I'm dirt? Yes, you're dirt.

To dust we shall return, and that's where we're going, buster.

Ha!

All right, so... Oh, I got several choices here for backdrops. This is

your family day at the beach. Uh, we don't like the beach.

How about, uh, your American flag?

How about you keep moving on?

All right, so maybe we could, uh... Oh, really?

Oh... Uh, maybe not. Uh, you know, we could... We could just do the, uh, white

background here.

Okay, just do a white background. Just do something white. Do you have any

backgrounds of women killing their husbands, huh?

Let me check my truck.

Okay, you can't be... You're serious?

Oh, this is going to be a mess.

Oh, so you finally run him off, huh, Brown?

No. He works about an hour.

And in 15 minutes, my deposit is going to be gone and I ain't going to have

nothing to show for it. Oh, really now?

Brown, look.

Yeah.

Now I can sell you this one.

I'll call it failure.

Or a picture is worth a... How much is it getting you for anyway?

That's why you had a heart attack last year.

Now, what does that have to do with what I just said?

Nothing. It's just the meanest thing I could say right now. Move.

Look, have you seen that?

Uh, yeah. And I'm regretting every second of it. Well, she said she was

over to help Cora get ready for the picture. Well, she ain't here right now.

Well, how do you know?

Cuz, I got ears like a beagle and I got a heightened, you know, oh.

Ta -da.

What do you think?

Ugly, that's what I think. What?

Oh, not you, Carter.

Girl, you look good. Like, you should be taking pictures right now.

Okay, everybody, come on, we're gonna take pictures right now. We're running

of daylight.

We're inside the house, Mr.

Brown. Uh, Carter, can I do this? You gonna let me, let me, let me run the

picture show.

All right, as long as I don't have to take your picture next to the little

smarty pants. Just as long as I don't have to stand next to him.

Okay, Sasha, you stand right over here. Come on, right over here. You stand

right there. And, nephew, you stand in the back. Your head is huge.

You got like a dome.

Stand right there.

Why come, Embryona?

Where do you want me to stand? In traffic.

Can you even spell traffic?

Of course I can.

I don't have anything to prove.

Okay, you two down front.

You walk home, you go over there. You stand right there.

Okay, and I'll stand next to Carmen.

Right here.

I'll stand right here.

Down in front.

Marvin.

That's the dead guy's name.

Who cares? I'm still mad at you.

Hello.

What do you want to... Oh, I got the best place for you. You can camp out

in the front of your own cave.

Mr. Brown, we're caught on Andar just like Ken.

Well, Ken, you asked them to leave. Bye.

Okay, you can stay. Just don't block my good time.

I never knew you had one.

Oh, and I got a perfect spot for you. Come, Cora, you step up a little. Cora,

step up. And you step right behind her. Make sure you block her shot.

Okay, we're ready.

Say cheese, everybody.

Cheese!

Wait a minute. Something is missing.

All right, I couldn't find the wife killing husband posters, so how about

kittens? Hurry up. We only have two minutes left. Oh, and that's the lights

in my car.

So you got everything ironed out?

Only thing needs ironing is the back of Brown's neck.

And your beard hair.

Hey, hey, you can't talk to my woman like that. Okay, okay.

Here I am. Five, four,

three, two, one.