Original subtitles

Stop walking and typing all the time.

It's called texting.

Well, it's called disrespecting. I got stuff to do.

Mr. Brown, would you calm down?

You have been uptight ever since you found out your cousin Clem was coming to

town. It started way before that.

Cora, is that some of your I put my foot in it lemonade?

Don't you put your feet or nothing else in it.

Don't be like that, Mr. Brown. She's family. Thank you.

And I'm always nice to family.

Aren't you the one that told Will that the Easter Bunny had rabies so they had

to put him down?

Well, you see how his life turned out. He is a doctor, ain't he?

And when Vera was a baby, you put muscatine in her bottle?

Cora, you see it made her a better person. It turned her life all the way.

Okay, wait a minute. That's not a good example.

I'm just so excited about my cousin coming, y 'all. Come and help me

that. All right.

Well, we can't wait to meet him, Mr. Brown.

When's the last time you two saw each other? About five years ago at the

reunion. He was on the grill.

Really? Yes. Can he throw down some barbecue, Mr. Brown? No, he asked his

to fix him something to eat, and she threw him on the grill.

Yes, she did.

Brianna, I need you to help me get this tray.

Look here.

Brianna.

This will help you. Come get the trash. Get the trash. Come on.

Come on.

Oh, thank you, Cousin Clem.

Hello. Hello, yourself.

Well, I was looking for the Brown residence, but it looked like I'd have

stumbled into the Playboy Mansion.

You must be Cousin Clem.

You must be.

Yeah, looking good.

I don't want to mess around and kiss you in the mouth.

I'm Sasha, Will's wife.

Hi, I'm Cora, Mr. Brown's daughter.

Get out of here. Yeah.

Cora, Mr. Brown ain't got no daughter that's 15 years old, do he? Oh, well.

Look at you looking all fly. Boy, y 'all some nice looking ladies over here.

Is that who I think it is?

Clementine Thermophilus Benedict Anthro Brown Jr.

Look at you, boy.

Hold up.

Everybody freeze.

I got to show some love to my favorite cousin in the universe.

Give me some of that, dawg.

See, that's just messed up. I know, right?

You're crazy.

You're sitting next to each other.

Sasha, I see dumb people.

So where is this party, Antonio?

I haven't decided yet. It's a text rave party, so I keep people guessing to the

last minute.

You know, but if you're late, you're stuck outside.

The last one was in the gym.

Everybody had to wear jerseys and throwback sneakers.

No, remember the party at the farm where we all had to wear overalls? No, that

one was crazy.

Yeah, but I got that text.

Last minute, I almost showed up in my bathing suit.

I mean, a full -length choir robe.

Why do you own anything full -length?

Okay, guys, that's cool. But is it safe?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's security and chaperones.

Chaperones?

Did you face chaperones?

You know what? I could be a chaperone.

You know, go head on and add Sasa B to the text.

I know how to talk text.

Give me that.

Sainz, I'm Sasha.

2D, print lol.

Joaquin.

What's this say, babe?

It says, don't invite Sasha to the party.

Laughing out loud.

Sort of.

One day, I'm going to teach you to stop snitching.

One day, I'm going to teach you how to spell LOL.

$200 card. Are you out here paying over money?

No. What are you doing here? He owe me $200.

I told you I do not have $200 to give you.

See, that's why I never liked your side of the family anyway.

And by the way, that ain't your real mama.

It's your Amy.

Mr. Brown, don't do that. That's the way people do it.

You know what?

You want to call my little business out, but you know what? That ain't why I'm

here. I'm here with a return on your investment.

$5 ,000.

$5 ,000?

There's $100 bills in here.

Oh, look at you. I'm so sorry. You know, your mama was my favorite. Yes, that is

your real mama. And I like this suit.

It ain't looking good. I ain't looking. You just tried to keep it.

Don't live in the past. Stay with us.

What you been doing with yourself?

I've been doing good, cuz. Matter of fact, check this out. What is the one

that can rejuvenate, revitalize, and renew your body?

Uh, I call it the lily of the valley. Uh -huh. The bright and morning star. Yes.

The one who can truly save you. Yes. And put you on a rock to stay.

Well. Don't you want to do it? But I'll tell you what it is.

It's that all day and every day. But it's today.

It's the woo, woo, woo water that's going to take you to the next level.

woo, woo, woo water. Woo, woo, woo water. I heard that. Of course you heard

because my cousin, he's a successful inner manure.

It's entrepreneur, Mr. Brown.

And didn't that company... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Yes, Lord.

Uh -huh. I got your cover. You see how he come to you sometimes and he told me

about this section. Now, this section here, this section is for vitamins and

minerals. Shut up, Corey. He's smart, too. And this section here, that's for

antioxidants. Corey, you hear that big word? Listen to me say it.

Go ahead. See that?

And that section, that's top secret.

Well, he ain't gonna toss that, Corey, because you done scared him away. Oh,

no. I'm gonna tell you, because you're family.

Tell us.

It's the secret ingredient.

Cod liver oil.

Shut your mouth. Cod liver oil ain't no secret.

Curry, yes it is. That's what Grandma Brown used to give all of us. She used

have us drinking about a gallon. And Granny Brown ain't never been wrong, has

she? She died at 38.

That was some snuff and hooch, not cod liver oil. So what's that blue? What's

the blue section? Yeah, what's the blue section? Tell us what... That's tap

water right there.

Tap water, cod liver oil.

Now where is the snake oil?

Oh, snake oil, they're going to sell next week.

Just kidding, cuz. Let me take it. Corey, I need you to step in the house

we talk business. Can't you see?

We've got to talk privacy.

What you got, cuz? Tell me what else you got. Let me break it down, cuz. I

already got distribution.

And this thing is projected to make thousands and thousands of dollars. Shut

You know, I always wanted to be a thousandaire.

Yes, a thousandaire and make thousands and hundreds even.

Yes, and then retire early.

Or quit your job.

No, I'm going to just retire.

You think like me.

Let's have a little smoke. Take your time. Got to look at it.

Okay.

What does it smell like?

It smells like water to me. See that?

So why is it so blue?

Oh, blue? Because that's my favorite color.

Oh, I'm glad your favorite color ain't black.

If it touched your palate, it ain't going to be one thing for you to do. If

touched my palate, that means I peed in the bed.

Take your time and let it hit you real soft.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yes, you know what?

I'm in.

You know what?

Count me in. I want to incest with you.

Please tell me you mean invest.

Oh, yeah.

I got socks and balls I want to incest. Invest.

You mean stocks and bonds you want to invest?

No. I got money balled up in a sock up under my bed I want to invest.

Man, you got any CDs or T -bills or anything like that?

Nah, I got an 8 -track and a T -bird in the garage. You know what, cuz, man.

You know, nah, man, this too big for you.

Oh, let me in.

Don't do me like this.

Don't do it.

Man, I can't even. How much am I about to put in?

I gotta be.

Okay, okay, okay.

A little seed money, that $5 ,000 I just gave you.

Let's just see. Let's just get it going. That's a little plant.

Okay.

And, uh, how much does this house worth?

Uh, with or without the garage?

Throw that in. Ain't nobody gonna want it without it.

Oh, about $150 ,000.

Uh -oh.

Uh -oh.

You just invested in woo -woo -woo water.

I'm in.

You in.

The whole house?

Yeah. This woo -woo headquarters.

No.

at me wearing tortoise, yellow, brown, blue. What color? Blue?

Who do I look like, Mr. Brown?

Kind of around the goatee.

Um, wait, Sasha, these tits are coming from your number.

Brianna, there's no way they're coming from my number. I just had...

Hey, everybody.

Jamal? Oh, my God!

I'm so glad you're okay.

Yeah, I was until you rebroke my broken arm.

How's Antonio?

I think he's gonna be okay.

He was talking last time he came in.

What happened?

Antonio lost control of the car.

Made my whole life flash right before my eyes.

By the way, you and Joaquin had a fight at our wedding.

Yeah.

I'm just glad you guys are both okay.

Yeah, he was texting about the party. Still going after he gets out.

You're not going with a broken arm.

Watch me. I got this new dance. It's called a broken wing.

As Antonio's parents.

No!

Sasha.

Sasha, what's going on?

Antonio had internal injuries.

He's going to be okay, right?

He's going to be okay, right?

Antonio didn't make it.

Come on. Here, let me put it. Hey, Brent. Huh?

Where is this garden hose running from the sink?

Because, Carter, we making woo -woo -woo water, Carter. And you know what?

Starting tomorrow, I will officially be invested into woo -woo -woo water.

Tell her, Clem. You just did.

The next Fortune 500 business tycoon name is Leroy. And how much did you

$150 ,000. Dollars? Yes.

Where did you get that kind of money from, Mr. Brent? The deed to the house,

Carter. So where is the rest of the family supposed to live?

In a deluxe apartment in the sky.

Ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, we're moving up, Curl. We're going to be rich.

Here, put some more of that in there.

Here, Curl, try one of them. Try that for your dad. I don't want that, Mr.

Brown. Curl, did you just throw down this wall? Curl, girl, I like to spank

You just throw away your future.

Well, somebody need to slap some scissors in the boat for you two.

Mr. Brown, we can't throw enough around here right now.

Look, young lady, I cannot let you... No, I will not let you take advantage of

my daddy like this. Wait a minute.

Hold up, Carver. Let me put some woo -woo in it.

Now, Carver, we about to be rich.

And just think about all the stuff I can get you.

You can have every snack you want and not have to worry about it.

Yes, I can buy the snacks before they come out when I'm rich.

I can even buy you your own couch with your own plastic on it.

Already made. Think about that.

Well, how about investing in the woo -woo hot sauce?

Woo -woo hot sauce? We'll do that later.

Well, woo -woo hot sauce is no longer available in this market. Okay, so what

about the woo -woo waffles and the woo -woo wings?

Colonel, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about I called Uncle Butchie and he said that Aunt Doll Baby said

that Cousin Pauline said that Cousin...

I have had a few setbacks.

But I got vision.

Carl, will you hear that back up? We got vision.

You don't need a vision.

Let me see.

That thing up there.

Okay. Ask him how many investors he has. Okay, how many investors you has? I

mean, do you?

Yes. Oh, I got, you know, you got the one and then you carry the one. You got

one.

One. One. One. One?

Well, and my mama, my mama invests every month. Put a whole Social Security

check in there. My mama been dead for 14 years.

The woo -woo brand, it has had some setbacks. I understand.

But I figure with me and you together, we could take it all the way to the top.

Yes, Carly, you hear that? We're going to the top. Look at it. Yeah, to the top

of the 10 most wanted list.

Marie, how are you?

I'm fine. I just lost my phone.

You didn't leave it in your room?

Would I be looking down here if it was in my room?

Brianna, when was the last time that you had your cell phone, honey?

When I text Antonio.

I was so mad!

Because he kept changing those stupid colors!

If I hadn't been texting him... No, Bri.

Bri, listen to me. Don't do this.

Brianna, this is not your fault!

Whose fault is it, Sasha?

but Antonio was the one who was texting while he was driving.

Why did this have to happen to him?

We all do it.

No, Reed, we all don't.

And neither should you, honey. It's way too dangerous.

He was one of my best friends.

I don't always understand why.

It could have been me, Sasha.

I was supposed to ride with Antonio.

I can't believe he's gone.

I know, I know.

Liana, we are here for you. you.

Okay?

Look at me.

You're gonna get through this, okay?

Okay?

It's okay.

It's okay.

Here you go, Brianne.

Where was it?

I took it.

Joaquin, I told you to stop going in your sister's room.

I'm sorry.

You know what? I can't even handle this right now. I said I'm sorry!

Joaquin, why would you take my phone?

Because I don't want anything to happen to you, okay?

It's the Brown Chasers channel.

Now I'm in the middle of back to back to back to back to back to back.

Brown, your cousin Clem is on TV.

What?

They got him. They finally got him. I knew it was a matter of time.

Welcome back to Business Spotlight. I'm standing here with Clem Brown.

The Business Spotlight, how you get on that?

Mr. Brown is our Business Spotlight of the week. It's not every day that

sells their unproven business for $12 million.

body, girl. Also, I want to shout out all my family that stood behind me and

my back all these years, except my cousin Cora and Leroy Sacagawea Brown.

Sacagawea?

I told y 'all I had Indian in me.

How come you said your middle name was Satchmo? And you told me it was Satchmo.

Well, the S stands for still broke.

Cora, I could have been stanky filthy nasty rich.

I could have been balling out of control.

Hi,

I'm Logan Browning.

Texting while driving is as dangerous as driving under the influence.

According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Commission,

6 ,000 people were killed, and another 500 ,000 were injured as a result of

driving while distracted.

This can all be avoided.

My real family, as well as my TV family, and all of us here at Tally Perry

Studios, have signed Oprah's No Phone Zone Pledge, and I urge you to do the

same. For more information about how you can make the pledge, go to www .oprah

.com.