Original subtitles

Okay, wait a minute. I just got three questions.

Who is Lady Sapphire?

Lady Sapphire is an actress.

She got nominated for an Oscar last year.

Whoop -de -doo.

I got nominated for, like, the school's felony.

But I didn't win. I tell you what. I was G -U -D good.

I don't know why they didn't pick me.

And what is an Oscar, anyway? People be making big deal about Oscar. Who is

Oscar? Anybody seen it?

Exactly. Ain't nobody care about no Sapphire.

What's she famous for? Being famous.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't you say nothing about Lady Sapphire.

She is a saint. She had a heart year.

She had a facelift, a tummy tuck, eye lift, three divorces, and she had her

fragrance stolen by them housewives on TV.

Is she your friend or something? She is my friend.

I write her letters.

Every week I write her letters. And she always writes me back. She does?

Just like that dude in prison be writing her back.

Dear Raina.

Raina? Ain't her name Renee?

I'm warning you for the last time.

Stop writing me.

She wants to see me in person.

No, she wants to see you in prison.

Oh, you are such a hater.

You need Jesus.

And you're going to need a lawyer. You better leave that woman alone.

Oh my gosh, there she is!

I'm anointed.

No, you're annoying.

It's what you is. Where's the oxygen patient?

Somebody dial 911.

Hello?

Anybody home?

Doesn't look like it.

Can you keep a secret?

Yeah, what's up?

Where'd you get that?

Simone's boyfriend.

Come on, it's just a couple of joints. No big deal.

It's a very big deal.

Everybody tries it at least once.

Oh, not everybody.

You shouldn't either.

I can't stop.

I just want to try it, okay?

Just once.

Just once.

Just once.

Bring it at you.

Wilson!

Hide behind me. Hide behind me.

Chris? What are you guys up to?

Nothing.

Why would you here?

Nothing.

Brianna, what are you doing?

Studying.

That's all we're doing, studying.

Yeah, what else would we be doing? Just sitting here on the couch.

Brianna, what are you on?

Oh, Lord, we're dead.

What?

Why are you on your book?

Dead?

I'm just trying to stay on top of my math homework.

Yeah, you know, I was trying to get Chris to help me, but I hadn't convinced

yet. Oh, well, you know, I'm a math whiz. No.

Yeah, maybe I can help.

Oh, okay.

All right, so what chapter are you guys on?

Why do you keep spitting? Great news.

You know that tab with the National Lowdown?

They're offering $100 ,000 for the first picture of Lady Sapphire's baby.

$100 ,000?

Yeah. I'm on break.

I know you don't expect me to clean up this mess.

I don't care who cleaned it up. Get the janitor to clean it up. Here, clean it

up.

I'm going to the gift shop to borrow a camera. I'm going to get paid.

Wait, where are you going? The baby's not even born yet.

Lay Sapphire still in the delivery room.

OK. Well, then I'll grab the sonogram machine. Come on, Brown. Meet me in the

delivery room. I'm not going in there. You know what's in there?

Hey, we don't have to go in the delivery room. OK? We just have to be patient.

Duh. She's already a patient here. You're so slow.

I'm going to have to wind up doing this myself because y 'all ain't going to

work. No.

What he means is that we can take our time and wait for the right moment.

You wouldn't know that if you were a nurse.

Okay, whatever.

Okay, we seem to be cool.

I'm going to figure out a way to get into that room.

You know, we could.

No, that won't work.

We could probably come up with a... Wait, I don't have to do anything. I

just walk in the room and snap the picture and take my 100 grand to the

I don't need y 'all.

You're going to need protection in the parking lot.

From who?

From us.

Fine. All right.

So we have a deal?

Deal.

Ooh!

I think Renee got her fingers crossed. Let me see your fingers.

How about I show you one finger? Oh, cooler, cooler, cooler, guys, all right?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

We do this as a team or bus.

All right.

Okay. We'll do it three -way.

No, I don't do no three. No, I don't. I'm not into that. I'll take mine in

Okay. Brown, how about you get $10 ,000 and me and Derek split the rest? Right.

Right, yeah.

What?

I knew they were slow, but not this slow.

You know what?

Y 'all got a deal.

Suckers.

Wait, wait, wait.

Where do you think you're going?

Look here, big -haired Barbie.

Mama need a brand new pair of shoes.

Yeah, yeah. Did you know that Lady Sapphire is having her baby in this

I know.

Well, did you know that it was two Darrens on B -Witch?

Did you know that it was two Linos on Good Times?

I bet you didn't know Madam C .J. Walker invented the perm, which you need, by

the way.

Do you know any of that? You listen to me, all right? None of you are to talk

to, look at, or even think about Lady Sapphire while she's here. You got that?

You got...

so we can sneak in there and take this picture of this baby.

Come here.

Hello, everybody.

Hey, Cora. Hey, Miss Cora.

Hey, Will, why don't you help Miss Cora with her bags?

Oh, this is all I got. So what are you guys doing?

Teaching a little trigonometry so he can help us with our homework.

Let me see it. No, it's all right.

No, no, we got it, Miss Cora. Okay, baby, focus.

But you know what, McCoy? If we don't do it on our own, how will we ever look?

Uh, what did you do with Brianna?

You know, sometimes all they need is a little push in the right direction.

What's this?

Oh, my sandwich bag. Excuse me.

Let me see that.

All right.

Ooh. Man, this looks like that new man.

You smell that?

That's that new man smell.

Okay, let's see. All right.

All right.

I don't know why you're looking at this, Cora. You're a history teacher.

Well, if I remember my history, when we were kids, you had to take your shoes

off to count to 20.

All right, go ahead. Fine.

Do it yourself.

All right, I got this. Don't worry about this. I got this.

We'll see.

All right, let's see what we got here. All right.

May have to look in the back, see what I can find back here.

You need my help after all, don't you? All right, come on. What's the equation?

Two teenagers plus one joint equals how many beatdowns?

That is that new math.

Well, I'm serious. I found this in Brianna's textbook.

Brianna, what is this doing in your textbook?

It's you.

Maybe somebody left it in there from last year.

Try again.

It's not mine, Will. I don't know how it got in there.

After you know what drugs did to your mother, this is what you want to do? You

want to do this?

I said it's not mine.

Sir, can I just say that... No.

You need to go home.

Brianna, go on upstairs to your room until I figure out how to deal with

Figure out?

Well, weed equals big damn.

Weed equals big damn. What is that a figure out?

It's mine.

What?

Christopher. I'm sorry, Dr. Brown.

Hold on, wait a minute. I got it from a guy at school.

Christopher. You bringing this into my home? What were you thinking?

I'm sorry.

I should go.

No, no, no. Actually, you know what?

Both of you, sit down.

Yeah, both of you, sit down.

Yeah, I like that. What, are you going to beat him down with the phone?

Hello.

Yes, this is Dr. Will Brown.

Yes, someone brought drugs into my home, and I'd like to have them arrested.

Yes, that's the address.

All right.

Thank you.

Well, you're going to get Christopher in trouble. He got himself in trouble.

Well, I think we should handle this ourselves.

I'm going to handle Brianna, and the police can handle him. No, I think I can

handle him.

You're treating us like criminals.

Brianna, this is illegal.

Yes.

And you're not in trouble? What are you worried about? It's his weed.

No, it's not.

It's mine.

Lord have mercy.

Which one is it, Brianna?

I brought it home. He told me not to use it. All right, don't cover for him,

Brianna. I'm not.

I'm not.

Don't tell me you got to resist. Brianna, don't.

It's mine.

So if you send him to jail, you got to send me, too.

Your husband is here and he know about your boyfriend.

Better go strip. No, come on. I'll cover for you. Go, go, go.

Mm -hmm.

Don't act like I don't know about your second job.

I think you're on the pole. Come on. I'll take you to the closet. Go, go,

stripper.

Come on. Quit fighting with the wheelchair. Let's go.

That's the camera?

You couldn't find a camera mate in this century?

Come on.

Watch your tone. Don't you see all these babies in here?

Ain't nobody acting.

I think this is a bad idea.

Who cares?

Look, if I waited on y 'all to get the picture, I'd be wearing diapers.

Now, let's go, man.

Come on. Okay, let's just make it fast, okay? Okay, which one is it? I don't

know. They don't have any names on it. All they have is barcodes. What? You

know, I can read barcodes.

You know, I used to work at a grocery store.

Yes, I can look at a barcode, just like this.

Watch, I'm reading it left to right.

That baby right there, that says... Cream spinach, right there on the sign.

Look, guys, let's just take pictures of all the babies, and we'll figure out

which one it is afterward.

Okay, good idea. Let's go. This baby look like it been working.

Okay, take it right there, take it. Watch the head. Okay, hold up to the

hold up to the light.

All right, good. Okay, here you go. Okay, wait a minute. No, give me this

don't know.

Wait a minute. Did I put this one in there?

This little baby right here. Hold up.

This baby just scanned pork chop. This is a chunky baby.

Oh, boy.

Okay,

hold on. Just put. I think this one's right here. Wait a minute. No, this

right here.

No, no, just put them.

Okay,

okay.

Wait a minute. Who's going to take the picture if you're holding a baby?

Just grab. Just grab one.

I'll hold it like this. Hey, Ty.

Ty's coming.

Put the baby. Move this baby over there. Move this baby.

No, don't do that. Put the baby over there. Stop moving.

Just, just, just... What kind of stupid idea was this?

Yes.

The dumb leading the dumber.

Okay, excuse me. Which one am I? The dumbest.

Uh, Sasha, you're a reasonable person. Can we just get one more picture,

Wait,

Sasha, get it. Shh, keep your voice down.

You're gonna be like, woke up these babies.

Sasha, we're going to split it with you four ways.

Yes, come on. You can use a $25 ,000 weave because yours is not good.

Okay, wait, wait.

Why'd she get more than me?

Because you're going to get more than me. Y 'all trying to get me. Y 'all

going to be able to get me. I'm going to try better.

Hey! Hey!

Stop it and get back to work right now. Someone's getting fired.

Gosh, these are babies. You all should be ashamed of yourselves. You're right.

We are very ashamed. So if you would move.

So we can take this last picture so we can remember the shame.

Shame.

Shame.

I can't

believe

you two.

Come on, it's not like it's a cracker or something.

But it could lead to bigger things.

I saw the drug seminar.

Marijuana is a gateway drug. Blah, blah, blah. Hey, little girl.

Don't snatch up, Will. Let me do it.

Calm down, Cole. Hold on.

Do you think this is a game?

I mean, drugs make you do really stupid things.

How would you know, Will? You never smoked.

I was a teenager once.

You smoked weed, Dr. Brown?

My freshman year in college.

You don't see much the type.

I only did it every once in a while.

So what made you stop?

One time I did it, I was trying to impress this girl.

And it was a whole group of us over some dude's house smoking.

And I was so high, I fell asleep and woke up to her screaming.

Why was she screaming?

Because the dude was all over her.

Weed makes you act like that?

It can.

Look, the point is, I put myself in a bad situation because I was under the

influence. I hadn't thought about it like that.

Well, think about it like this.

First of all, it's illegal.

And drugs put you at a disadvantage.

With your grades?

You can't afford any more disadvantages.

Too soon?

I understand, and I promise I won't do it again.

And you, you better tell us if she does.

In a heartbeat.

Snitch?

So, you should call the police back now and tell them not to come.

I don't need to.

I never called.

Thanks, Will.

Don't thank me.

You're still going to be serving a three -month sentence.

Three months?

Three months?

When you get out.

I will be calling your parents, Christopher.

Three months?

Really? You want to try for six?

Miss Cora, I would have given you a year.

Miss Cora, you ever smoke?

Tell the truth.

Before you were saved. Come on, Cora.

It was between me and the Lord.

And Madea. And Uncle Joe.

Coach is clear. Come on.

Wait. What are you doing? I think I'm breaking things. Okay. Oh.

Oh, ma 'am. You should just be so proud.

She's got so many honors.

That's so sweet. Yes. And you get to see your granddaughter today. That is so

sweet. Yes.

Sasha.

What's she doing here?

to check on Lady Sapphire and the baby.

And look!

What the what?

I mean, what the what?

Mr. Brown?

What are you doing?

I'm sweating.

How did you get a picture of that baby? Oh, Lady Sapphire was so thankful of the

way that I took care of her that she gave it to me.

Isn't she beautiful?

Yeah, adorable. I'll give you $100 for it. No!

It wouldn't be right to sell it.

Yeah, yeah, come on, guys. This is getting out of hand.

I'm going to give you $200 for it.

And a night out on town with me because I know Will ain't putting it down. Okay,

let's just... Okay, look.

Sasha, now look here. I'm sick of this.

I'm going to give you $170 for that picture.

And a free month's rent.

You know, it just wouldn't be right.

Okay, look.

I'll give you five...

the watch you lost last month.

You said you didn't know where it was.

Oh, you know, stop living in the past, Sasha.

It could be $300.

All right, Neil.

$300.

You know what? You evicted. I want you out in the house tomorrow.

Not today, tomorrow.

I'm going to call the National Lowdown and tell them we got that picture.

That's cool. That's one option.

Or you could just wait until tomorrow when it's on the front page.

What? A what?

Yeah, you see, her personal photographer was here, and he already sent it to

them.

Well,

I want my money back. You lied.

Come on, Renee.

Stop living in the past.

It's going to fall out of there anyway. Let's follow.

Okay, nurses station, please hold.

Nurses station, please hold.

I'd like that, Renee.

Everybody's complaining that they got the wrong baby.

How could something like that happen? And anyway, how do they know?

The what?

Baby look like they need a job.

How could y 'all tell?

Look at him. Yes, what were you talking? Something like that?