Original subtitles

Ooh, Cora, some smells scrumptious.

Colonel Edna coming over, I cooked spaghetti and meatballs.

You know what, Cora, if Edna want to eat, she can go out there and graze with

the rest of the herd.

Now, I asked you last week, you said it was okay for them to come over and eat.

No, I didn't. I wouldn't dream of feeding Edna, even if we was at a

and somebody else bought the food.

They're on their way. Now, behave. Now, can you taste this?

So, what you think? What you think? Now, need more garlic, Cora. Help me find

garlic. Need more garlic.

I'm talking about me so I can ward off Mr. Ed dinner.

You're being ridiculous, Mr. Brown. I ain't nobody being ridiculous. Just help

me find it before she comes down here.

It's too late.

You didn't tell me we were having stuffed pig for dinner.

That's a good one. That's a good one.

Oh, hey, you missed.

See, I have the reflexes of a cat.

Yeah, I see what this cat drug in my house, a bet.

Oh, now, would all of you please stop it now? I don't want any more fighting

tonight. Is that too much to ask?

Yes.

Paula. I don't have to stand here and take this.

Well, how about if you sit down and take it? Sit down. I know that I'm not

wanted. Obviously you don't, because if you did, you wouldn't have trotted over

here. You better shut up, you little killer chubby. You think mangy much?

You brown gizzy. I can't stand you, Ebony. I can't stand you. I can't stand

And I can't stand you even more.

Edna, wait.

Edna!

I told you no one's gonna force you to watch so much.

Here's your sugar.

I don't know about sugar. There ain't gonna be more behind.

Don't be funny. What?

Mr. Brown just told me. Girl, shut your mouth.

Shut it up. Don't you say nothing.

What? I want to laugh too.

Why don't you get your mirror? That'd be the funniest thing you ever seen in

your life. Mr. Brown, is that any way to talk to your boo?

Boo?

I know I have an effect on men, but that thing, I don't think

so.

Well, everybody knows dreams aren't literal.

Mr. Brown, it probably had a deeper meaning. Like what, Carter?

I'd rather French kiss a cow.

Wouldn't that be incest?

Hey, what are y 'all doing with my stuff? It's mine, and it's private.

Give me your paperwork.

Go sit your butt down. Sit down. Stop looking at me. Sit down.

Nobody ought to be private anymore. Hey, take this dude right here to Exam Room

B. He got the crab.

No, you're going the wrong way, little mama. Go the other way. Get checked for

the crabs.

Go on.

Oh, mm -mm. I went, mm -mm, mm.

Seafood platter, baby.

Seafood platter.

Pasta, whatever.

Hey, what's up?

I think I was so cute.

What are you looking at? Oh, girl, look at my body.

No, these are pictures of me and my girlfriend, Shonda.

We're tighter than prison cornrows.

Okay. Oh, and she was always the life of the party. Oh, and that girl could

grease a scalp.

Now, there's something for your resume, huh?

I know. It's all mine.

Well, you know what? I can't wait to meet her.

I think that the three of us should go hang out.

What's wrong? You don't think I'm cool enough?

Sasha, you are about as cool as a... Sasha,

you're not cool at all.

I am cool, baby.

Okay? Okay?

Hello!

Don't do that.

No, see, you don't even understand.

Shonda is like...

You ain't got no friends.

Uh, hi.

Who is she? Girl, the head nurse.

Oh. What are you doing?

Play at all, hate.

You know what? We just bumping gums.

I'm trying to move the hood.

Okay. Girl, I'm sorry I'm late. I was stopped by the... The po -po, right?

Don't the po -po always be up and out?

No. No.

My cab was stopped in traffic.

Oh, I heard that.

I can't get a break off of traffic or her cable bill.

Okay?

Uh, speaking of breaks, let's go.

Well, slow your roll, Renee -nay. It's nay -nay. Well, that's what I say,

Shondrina.

Let it go. Let it go, girl. Let it go. How did you become head nurse acting

that? Girl, that's because I -B's around here keeping it real.

If someone... acted like this for my law firm, they'd be real fired.

Law firm?

I thought you told me that she works somewhere else.

Renee, Renee, let's go. I have reservations at this cute little French

down the street.

I like French food.

Can I go?

Somebody's in a good mood. That's right. I took a nap and I slept like a baby.

Uh -huh. I can tell. You still got a little drool on your chin there.

Do it. Let me do it. Hey.

I'm just kidding.

Look here, Brown. I came out here to clear the air.

You know what? I always pray when Edna leaves, so you ain't got to worry about

that. It's clear. I was talking about my woman being in your dreams.

You mean in my nightmares?

No. Let me explain. You don't have to, Brown. You don't have to. I understand.

See, I understand that Edna is quite a catch.

Yeah, if you like big mouth bass.

And I don't even know how you kiss her. What you do?

You go blindfold as what?

This coming from a man who slept with a woman who looks like a man.

Let's go. You ain't got to hit that low.

Don't bring up my past. Brown, you know, you can only dream about her.

But I have the real thing. And what more can a man ask for?

A Bible and a fine squat.

Why do I even talk to you?

Because I'm the only one that understands this.

Now, what's that supposed to mean?

That means go home and Edna talk.

Bye.

Oh, I like this part. Oh, this is the old classical.

Yes, you tell him, Kizzy.

Kizzy?

I thought he'd never learn.

Okay, don't panic.

Think happy thoughts.

Think happy thoughts. I'm at church.

I'm at church.

Maybe I should just get a glass of water. Okay, get some water.

No, no, no, no. You're all done getting away from me that fast.

What? No.

know what i need to do what is it what is it carver i'm never gonna sleep again

i'm gonna keep my eyes open what i'm gonna keep them open when i break the

world's record carver i'm gonna sleep

track was under the toenails. There wasn't enough jelly on them.

The railroad track said there wasn't enough jelly on the toenails.

Well, it didn't make sense the first time you said it.

I'm going to be good as new. I'll tell you, I just need one more bowl of

I'm going to be fine.

I'm going to be fine. That's all I need. Just give me some cereal.

I just got milk.

Mr. Brown, this is dick soap.

No, what? Why do these blue diamonds taste so clean?

You need sleep.

Colonel, how am I going to sleep in Edna all up in my car?

Colonel, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,

please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,

please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,

please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,

please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,

please, please, please, please.

Colonel, he's had a few more dreams about Miss Edna. Now he refuses to sleep

home.

Mr. Brown, what are you doing?

look like i'm doing i'm shaving y 'all need to get out this bathroom because

about to do a number three a number three is everything one and two can you

oh that's nasty you know i had a recurring dream about taking my troops

battle and just before we stormed the beach i'd wake up in a cold sweat so

did you do honey i took control of my dream i let it play out and i faced my

fear Oh, so did you win the battle? Yeah, despite the fact I was wearing red

pumps and parachute pants.

But that's not important.

What's important is the dream stop.

Oh, okay.

Mr. Brown, what? Is that your idea?

Mr.

Brown.

You've got to face your fear and let your dream play out, Mr. Brown. What am

doing?

Maybe I could.

That's easy you for it to say.

Nancy, Nancy, Nancy.

You know, nurses at this hospital don't refer to the defibrillator as a

thingamajiggy. Can I go finish your rounds, please?

Thank you. Oh, good. She found that. Whatchamacallit.

So where's my girl Shonda?

We just left the cafeteria. She'll be here in a minute. Really?

Yeah.

Well, did she say anything about me?

Yeah, y 'all are good.

She don't like you.

What?

Renee, how do you know that?

She said I don't like her.

But she didn't say that she hated me.

So that means I still got a chance, girl. I can fix this.

Doubt it.

Renee, there is a reason why I'm the head nurse.

Nobody else wanted the job?

Hey, Shonda, remember me?

I'm Sasha.

I thought it was Shay Shay.

Look, girl, I gotta go.

Wait! No, no, no, no, no, no. We can't go now.

Because I bought you some cookies as a peace offering.

No, thanks.

They're really good.

In fact, I eat them all the time.

Does that explain those thighs?

Fine.

Right?

Right? There's even walnuts in them.

I'm allergic to walnuts. Quick!

Somebody grab the watcher McCall! Sasha, I'm fine.

Nate, can I borrow your car to run to my mother?

Ooh, girl, my clutch keeps sticking.

No, you can borrow mine.

Oh, no, no. No, no, I don't think so. No, no, it's okay. It's not a problem.

Here, take the keys, girl. Take the keys. You got that.

Are you sure?

Yeah, you sure?

Yes. Yes, I'm going to be here all day anyway.

You know what?

What are friends for?

Okay. If you insist.

Thanks.

You're okay, Sasha. Maybe the three of us can hang sometime.

I'd really like that.

That'd be great.

Bye, friends.

Wow. I can't believe you did that.

Why? Because you don't think I'm cool enough?

No, because she's had six accidents.

This year? This month.

What? Yeah.

Well, how does that girl keep a license?

Who says she had a license?

Stronger. Hey, girl, my clutch sticks, too.

You got an automatic.

Cora, I can't do it. I ain't gonna be able to do this.

Now, the sooner you go to sleep, the sooner this whole thing will be over.

I can't just fall asleep. I have... four pots of coffee and two of them no

-sleep pills. You think I can just fall asleep just like that just because you

say... Yes.

No signs of that wombat.

Am I asleep or am I dreaming?

If I'm dreaming, I can't do this.

I want hair.

Gee, Raquel.

Well, I guess it's better than nothing.

I want to be thin.

I want to be thin.

Okay, just give me a half sandwich.

Looking for me, Big Daddy?

ask for the whole pig.

I've been waiting for this moment.

Okay, please wake up. Please wake up. You can't run away from me, baby.

Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! I could just choke you.

Wait a minute! You mean to tell me you don't want to kiss me? You trying to

choke me? Kiss you? I wouldn't put my lips anywhere near them chicken juice.

What? That's fantastic!

Not anymore, bridal chucky.

Ever since I found out you trying to kill me and not kiss me, I've been

like a baby. Ha!

Thank you!

You can't get your son. Get your son. You are a strange little fat man.

That's right. I'm strange and I'm fat, but I'm free.

Matter of fact, I'm fat free.

I'm so happy I can just kiss you in the...

so she's got to be responsible.

She ain't no lawyer.

But she said she worked at a law firm.

She does.

In the mail room.

What? Oh,

Renee. But I just assumed that she was... See, that's where you go wrong.

always assuming.

And you know what happens when you assume?

What? I assume you knew.

Renee, but you never told me that... Look, no, look. Shonda is still good

people. She just can't drive. That's why she ain't driving my car.

I thought your car was broken.

No, look, to be Shonda's friend, you have to have good luck, good insurance,

a good life.

Me?

How did this happen?

Because you didn't have a good life.

All I wanted to do was hang out.

I didn't know you valued our friendship that much.

I guess I didn't realize it either.

Aw, Sasha.

you actually said that.

Well, you are the person that fills out our evals.

I mean, this ain't crazy.

No, I do.

Oh, honey, how was that drive, girl?

Everything okay?

Yeah. Thanks, Sasha.

I even filled it up for you, too. Oh, wow, that is so cool.

Oh, my gosh, you know, you didn't have to do that. Like you said, what are

friends for?

You know what?

I think the three of us should go out for drinks.

My treat.

See?

That's how you fit in.

You know, I'm driving.

Cool. Oh, wait, Sasha.

There's a tiny scratch on your bumper.

How tiny?

About this big. Girl, I was trying to back up. You know what? It's okay.

It's okay, and I'll just have a look at it later.

Cool. I put the bumper in your trunk along with your side mirror.

Today? Yeah.

I know. I know.

I know, but look, I told you she's really nice. Come on. At least she put

bumble in the trunk. She picked it up and actually put it in your trunk.

She's got people. She's great.

Cora, I just got through cleaning out the garage. I mowed the grass and I

the car.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Brown. Yeah, anything else I can do? Oh, you know what? Can

you go pick Reggie up for me?

Oh, who is this blowing?

Cora, I don't have to go pick up Reggie. He just pulled up in a brand stinking

new car.

Tyler for Carver!