Original subtitles

Boy, I love this show.

Why would I love to meet that judge?

I know Edna gonna know this one.

Uh, Edna, what's a three -letter word for a female sheep?

You.

I said three letters. That's only one.

Watch him, folks. Court, be quiet.

Edna, what's the other two? Shh.

Give me the other two, then.

E -W -E, idiot.

A female sheep is a you.

Oh, you act like you don't. I mean, don't discuss. You know you ain't the

one to know. Uh, why come? Come on. Yeah.

What's a female sheep?

You. Who doesn't know that? I see.

I ain't the only one.

You just know because you're a goat, Billy.

Watch it.

Brianna, did you know that you is a female sheep?

That's rude.

I'm trying to help you.

Cora, what's wrong?

Oh, my feet. Cora, what's wrong with you?

Oh, my feet, my car. I broke down, and I had to walk home.

Well, honey, why didn't you call somebody?

My phone was dead.

Carmen, you just should have yelled it.

Edna would have heard it with her supersonic wolf ears.

I don't understand. I just changed the fuel pump yesterday.

I thought it was fixed, too. I don't know what you done, Colonel, but my car

never stopped before.

Oh, whoa.

Now, you can't blame me for that.

You said you could fix it. No, I said I could replace the fuel pump, and I did.

I paid you.

I paid you, Colonel, and I want my... money back so I could take my car to a

real mechanic.

A real mechanic?

That's what I said. Well, what's that supposed to mean?

It means she's calling you a fake mechanic.

Cora, do not jump the gun. Now, maybe something else happened. Yeah, if he

it and I want my money back, Colonel. Wait a minute. I don't get my time.

Hey,

we shouldn't be arguing like this.

We should handle this like a loving family.

Colonel Cleophas Jackson, a decorated Marine.

He claims to be a good neighbor who repaired his friend's car.

The colonel says he's being unjustly accused and Miss Simmons is being a

pain.

Cora Jean Simmons says she paid the colonel good money to have her car

only to have it break down on the way to Sunday school. She's accusing the

colonel of...

taking her for a ride.

Everyone, please rise for the Honorable Judge Mathis.

Oh, Judge, I know. Judge, Judge, it's him right there. He's guilty of sin.

That one right there is guilty. Look at him. Who is, or better yet, what is

this? Uh, Leroy X. Brown.

The S is for sworn testimony.

Which hand are you? You use the right hand or the left? Are you the plaintiff,

the defendant, or just the court jester?

Neither. I'm a Capricorn. Any Capricorns in the house?

Yes. Whoop, whoop to you.

Your Honor, I am the father of the defendant here who has been wrongly

of the defendantism, the crime that she didn't commit.

Would you get over here? All right. You should listen to her, Mr. Brown.

You ain't got to tell me twice.

I didn't intend to.

Oh, nasty attitude.

Ma 'am, are you sure this is your father?

Because we do give paternity tests in the back.

Only if you can change the results, Your Honor. Miss Simmons, just tell me what

happened. Oh, yeah, sure, Your Honor. What happened was I gave the colonel

$250 to fix my car. I object.

Object to what, sir?

Her cockamamie story.

Colonel, I'll get to you shortly.

Your Honor, she paid me to replace... Would you please let her proceed?

Go ahead and resume your testimony, ma 'am. Yes, like I was saying before I was

so rudely interrupted.

Objection, Your Honor! A denial of the trial! This is a mistrial!

Can he get time for just his rude behavior?

No, but you can get time if you keep playing with these outbursts. I'm going

give you some time right next to Bubba and his cell.

I can't get him over that loud shoot he got on.

Ma 'am, please.

Would you both just heal or sit down? I'm sorry.

Sit. Somebody got a power struggle going on.

Nasty attitude.

Now, ma 'am, it says here you're asking for $250 to recover the cost of repair

and for $70 for new shoes?

Yes, sir. New shoes?

Sir, I had to walk home in my shoes.

What is this? A lifetime supply of peanut butter cups. What does that have

with anything? I didn't put that on there.

Uh, pardon me, that is for pain and suffering.

Well, it pains me to see how suffering, peanut butter, stop you from suffering.

Is this how you treat Marines who fought for your country?

You're shell -shocked, ain't you?

This is how we treat Marines that mess up young, innocent little girls' cars.

You stay out of this. You stay out of it. This is between Cora and the girls.

Nobody, you sit down.

Order in the court. Order in the court.

Oh, sure, I will.

I'll have a large fry with cheese and chili on it. I'll have some, uh, what

want, Corey? You want greens or grits?

Corey don't want greens. It makes her have gas real bad. And the last time,

about burnt my membrane out of my nose. Shut up! Get a little

lower on the left. A little higher.

Uh, Will?

Perfect. Will!

Yes? What are you... doing?

Hey, happy birthday, little man.

Bet you don't know what this is.

Friana's third grade picture.

No, it's the first game we're going to play at your party.

Pin the tail on the donkey.

Oh, great.

Why don't we get some bubbles, too?

Already step ahead of you, young puppy.

Bubbles. This party is going to be

Get it?

Pop it.

Those are kids' games.

And you're a kid.

I hit double digits last year.

And you still sleep with a Blakey.

You know, Sasha, that hurts.

Right here.

Hey, guys.

Is that Joaquin's third great picture?

Shit.

Joaquin, if you don't want our help, just say so.

So. Yeah.

You say that now, but wait until the clown gets here.

Oh, Will, I forgot about the clown.

Oh, I hope he does those cool balloon animals.

I know.

Hey, let's go call him and make sure.

I gotta do something about them. They're treating me like

I'm nine.

Don't worry, my vertically challenged friend.

I'm going to make sure your party is off the chain.

Oh, what do you have planned?

Don't worry. I've been to thousands of parties. Why do you think I'm so

Don't make me answer that.

You're getting along so well.

Whatever. I'm going to set up your music while you go get changed.

Changed? What's wrong with what I have on?

Don't make me answer that.

You're getting along so well.

Akeem, you're the host. Come on. You gotta stand out. You gotta pop.

What's with all this popping?

Anyways, my friends will be here any minute.

Well, you gotta hurry.

Go, get changed.

And the brush was so thick we had to stop.

That's when I realized me and my men were surrounded.

Petey, Spanky, Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, Mike.

Sir, could you please just tell me, let's get this out of the way, how many

were in your platoon?

Matthew, Mark, John, Luke, Tito, Jermaine. Just tell me, did you replace

fuel pump, sir?

In none?

No, sir, in Miss Simmons' car. That's why we're here.

Hello? Oh.

Oh, oh, yes.

Yes, I did.

So how long you been a mechanic?

Oh, I've been working on cars all my life. In a shop?

Shop? Oh, no, you don't have to work at a shop to become a certified mechanic.

Actually, you do, sir.

Well, the colonel fixes my car all the time. I know that's right.

That's why it's broke down all the time. I can believe that.

No, no, I'm sorry, man. We're fine. You're all right. Okay, uh... I'm not a

certified mechanic.

I'm more like a handyman. Oh, I can fix anything.

I can vouch for that.

Okay, Your Honor, I present to you Exhibit A.

Why haven't he fixed her face if he can fix anything?

Brown, Brown, you have one more time.

Brown,

one more time, and I'm sending you back to the circus where they wear those

outfits. Yes, sir, Your Honor. I will use my one time later.

Then I won't have no more times.

Now, sir, according to the receipt, you bought a refurbished fuel pump. No, I

didn't. Now, I'm no car expert, but I know refurbished fuel pumps don't come

with warranty.

No, no, no. The car fix doesn't even sell used parts. Car fix?

This isn't from car fix. This receipt is from not a part.

No, no, no. That's got to be a mistake. I gave Brown the money and told him

specifically to go to the car fix.

Oh, did you now?

Uh, car fix. Case is dismissed. Come on, let's get that catfish. Thank you, your

worship ship. Your ownership ship.

Bailiff.

What the what?

Smoking a bear cup up in this piece.

Yes, you ain't got to push on me.

Because you bigger than... Carver, who are you going to believe?

This crooked crook of a mechanic? Or are you going to believe your sweet,

innocent daddy?

What y 'all looking at me for?

So the plot thickens, huh?

Just like his neck when he eats salt.

That was a good one.

Now, let me get this straight.

Ms. Simmons gave the colonel $250 to replace a fuel pump? Yes, sir. $200 for

part and $50 for labor.

And the colonel gave you $200 for a new fuel pump? Judge, I

plead the fifth.

To mention just my imaginations running away with me, Your Honor.

That's exactly what happened, Your Honor. Lock him up. I'll lock you up.

Honor, can I approach the bench?

No. Well, can I go approach my car? I'm leaving. No. Well, y 'all ain't got to

be yelling at me.

So you had $200 to purchase this part, but according to this receipt, the fuel

pump cost $32 .50. What? $32 .50?

What? He told me he was going to charge me $25.

Ain't nothing but a crook. You know what? I'm going to sue him.

Move.

Don't, don't, don't.

Don't, don't, don't.

No one's coming through that door, Mr. Brown.

This is on you.

Okay. How could you do this, Mr. Brown? What did you do with the rest of that

money? Corbett, these clothes don't come cheap.

This time.

1695. This jacket, 1659.

These pants, so old. Wait a minute. What the?

Priceless. Before you make your decision, may I address the coroner? You

can speak into his mic. I mean, the mic, I'm sorry.

Am I on camera?

Your Honor.

Before you pass judgment on this case, I would like to say that the Women's

Auxiliary Group is having a bake sale this Sunday at 4 p .m. Two fries for the

price of one. Oh, and Sister Pearl, don't bring no more checks. The last

you gave us a check, it bounced from here to Kingham Park.

Now,

where were we? Your Honor, you were just about to set me free, and I was about

to be free, like a bird.

Does anybody have anything else to say? What am I

saying?

Everybody be quiet.

Now, I'm going back to my chambers. I'm going to deliberate, take two aspirants,

cry, pray, and everything else that can relieve me of you all's mess.

You got the deliberation?

I remember one time I was at work and the whole crew, all of us caught the

deliberation. It had our guts to it.

Brianna.

Brianna. Brianna.

This is becoming our food.

I promise after this party, you're going to blow up. Blow up? Yeah.

Blow up? Yeah. The only thing blowing up is lactose Larry over there.

Fine. I'll go get you some more refreshments, okay?

And a pair of freshers.

I have a really good idea.

Okay.

Everybody, exchange cell phone numbers with the person you like.

Where's your cell phone?

Brianna, what's your number?

One. Eight hundred.

Not a chance.

Joaquin, this party is lame.

You're going to be laughed out of school.

It'll get better. I promise.

Who wants to play hide and seek?

Maybe not.

Oh, who gave Larry ice cream?

We're out of here. Come on, y 'all.

No, no. Wait.

I'll handle this.

All right. But it's either them or us.

Okay. Aha.

Save the best for last.

Who wants to be the first to smash the pinata?

Will,

since you've done such a great job at putting this all together, I would be

honored if you were to smash the pinata first.

Yeah. Really? Yeah.

Okay, okay, here, hold it, hold it.

I'll spin you around.

Oh, yeah? Okay, okay, all right.

Ah, yeah.

Okay, you ready?

All right.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay,

just follow our voice.

Yeah, uh -huh. Uh -huh. Over here.

Over here.

Ooh.

Who gave Larry ice cream?

Oh.

of the Honorable Judge Mathis.

I tried to act like you got some sense.

I'm sick of him. Can't want him to make up his mind. We should get up. We get

back down. Get up and beat down. Get down and beat down. I have made up my

Oh, hey, Your Honor. My decision is to retire.

Oh, no.

You're about to run me out. I mean, really.

Run me out of my profession.

Sorry about that, Judge.

All right. After hearing the testimony and weighing the evidence that has been

presented to me, I've decided in favor of

The plaintiff.

That's not you, Mr. Brown.

Cora Simmons will be reimbursed the entire $250 plus

$75 for her shoes. What? Them shoes didn't cost no $75.

For a total of $325.

the defendant yes yes colonel cleophas jackson no yes this

isn't fair this isn't fair sir according to your

own testimony sir you and miss simmons had a verbal agreement that you would

provide her with a new pump and replace the old one preach preach i've been here

to make sure the pump was new, sir. It was you. Whoa!

Whoa! Preach, preacher.

It was your responsibility.

I've only known the man for one day, and I know I wouldn't trust him to change

his mind.

Yes! This is all your fault. You never should have trusted me. Anybody need a

ride? Because I'm out of here. The Thunderbird is parked out front, and I'm

of this piece. I see y 'all. Oh, that was your car parked in my space, huh?

Uh...

What you mean was?

I had it towed this morning.

Yes. God don't like ugly.

Well, that mean you going straight to... Hey, your honor, you know... Get out of

here. They don't pay me enough for this.

Your honor, you can't just tow the thunderbird. That's a plastic.

Okay, wait a minute. Your honor.

Take him back to the circus.

You put the end in injustice.

Colonel, can I get a ride? I need a ride. No.

Colonel, how about you? I'm riding with the colonel. Why don't y 'all let me

ride?

What are you all doing?

We're having fun.

What? Without our help?

That's so rude, Joaquin.

No offense, but you guys put the corn in corny.

help you know, we put the cool in Kool -Aid. What?

Can I rest my case?

Hey, you can't laugh at them.

Only I can laugh at them.

It almost ruins your party.

At least they threw me a party.

Didn't you want a party for your birthday?

Yeah. So when's your birthday?

Today.

Ooh.

Well, you know what, Joaquin?

Thanks for looking out for the fam.

I know you guys embarrass me because you care.

Well, we're glad you understand that.

But next year, can you do me a favor and maybe not care so much?

I was disappointed.

But I thought about it, and, well, it was my responsibility, and Cory is a

friend. I won!

I won!

I shot the beanie gun! I won!

Woo!

And we've learned a valuable lesson.

There are no losers here.

You lost! You lost! You ate the apple sauce!

Woo!

I see you.